Author: Rothalion

Title: Lament

Summery: Hephaistion and Alexander turn a page in their relationship.

Rating: PG-13 to be safe.

Disclaimer: History owns them. I do not think that I'm stepping on any toes here as far as plot or character. Not to my knowledge anyway. Xenos is mine.

Reviews: Please! I love all advice!

Reunions

It took Alexander two long weeks to make the decision to go to Hephaistion's out post and talk to the man. In a sense it galled the king to have to chase him down and beg to know what exactly was going on between them. He was not completely clueless in the matter he was just shocked that things had gone so sour between them. Alexander knew the rumors about him and Bagoas were riff among the men, and he was certain that they'd reached Hephaistion's ears long ago. He also thought that if his lover were concerned by it he would have confronted him. Yet nothing had been said. Nothing. That was what upset him the most. After years of sharing in everything Hephaistion had suddenly closed himself off to him. Then again Alexander thought maybe it was not so sudden. Maybe that was why two months ago Hephaistion had requested a posting away from him. Alexander cringed when he tried to recall the last time they'd been together. It was so long ago, so very long ago and not for the lack of Hephaistion's trying. He'd come to Alexander many, many times only to be rebuffed by one excuse or another. Alexander knew that there was really only one reason for his refusal to be with Hephaistion, Bagoas. The eunuch fascinated him, and he yearned to be with him. Finally the defeated man just quit coming, and then the request to be sent away. Gods, he cursed himself what had he done in the name of lust.

The trip normally took five days, Alexander pushed his small group hard and they'd made it in two and a half. They arrived after dark and Alexander rode straight for where the sentry had told them Hephaistion's tent was set up. He handed Bucephelus off to a groom and stood outside of the tent listening to the music coming from within. A duet this time. Hephaistion was not alone. Despite himself Alexander had to stifle the sudden and unbidden flame of jealousy that he felt. Why should he be alone, when did he give an order or show some expectation that Hephaistion could not entertain. True, he thought himself, his lover was generally a solitary man, not really seeking out company, or reveling in parties and banquets, but truth be known if anything Hephaistion was a bit shy so to have a guest was a bit odd. Hephaistion having company was not what really bothered the king. What bothered him was that the guest was most likely the one who had taught Hephaistion to play the flute. Alexander's gut roiled at the memory of Hephaistion's selfish and protective treatment of the instrument. As though it was some how his private affair, and not meant to be shared with Alexander.

He reached out for the tent flap as the tune came to an end. Loud, warm laughter erupted, Hephaistion's and a deeper baritone. Then silence. Alexander pulled the flap aside as the man with Hephaistion stood and crossed the short space to where Hephaistion sat. Then he took Hephaistion's face in his huge hands and kissed him deeply before returning to his seat. As Alexander watched Hephaistion beamed with pride. The guest raised his cup in salute and congratulated Hephaistion on finally getting through the duet in one perfect try. They set the cups aside and moved on to another song.

Hephaistion stopped playing when Xenos shot to his feet, bowed and stood at attention. He licked his lips tasting Xenos there and tried to slow his racing heart. Only one man could cause that response. Alexander. He closed his eyes, stood and faced his friend. What if anything had the man seen? Then after placing the flute on the small table and cursing the trembling in his hands he stepped across to where Alexander was standing.

"Alexander, its well…this is a nice surprise." He stepped forward and embraced him. Alexander only tensed and kept his eyes locked on Xenos. Hephaistion released him, noted the direction of his stare and turning pointed at the still man. "It is ok Xenos, Alexander this is Xenos my lead man. Xenos relax." The man didn't move. "Alexander?"

"Yes, of course, at ease Xenos." He finally spoke and stepped around Hephaistion to get a better look at Hephaistion's guest. Xenos stood unflinching before his king's steely gaze.

He was tall. Taller then Hephaistion and thick. Handsome but roguishly so, his eyes were jade green and he had a head of jet black hair that hung down just below his broad shoulders. His face was trimmed out in a thin neatly shaped beard and moustache that matched his dark hair. Alexander couldn't help but think that Xenos was nearly everything that he was not. Tall, dark, powerful to a fault, his hands were huge and strong from years in the ranks as an infantry soldier of one sort or another, and he was older than Hephaistion. Older, did that mean Hephaistion had…Alexander closed his eyes at the images his mind played out for him of the two in bed.

"I've intruded." He said evenly without taking his eyes off of the man across from him.

"No, Alexander, never. We…we were just playing, the duet, I have finally mastered the notes we…" Hephaistion paused as Alexander finally broke away from staring at Xenos. "Xenos would you mind making the rounds tonight, Alexander and I have some catching up to do I think. I will make it up to you."

"Of course Heph…My lord, it's no problem. In the morning then." He bowed to Alexander and stepped toward the door, Hephaistion followed him outside.

"Xenos…"

"Say nothing my friend I am no fool." He began with a smile. "I know my place and will serve in it gladly. Look, Hephaistion, take tomorrow for yourself. It's a slow day we had planned and I can manage the men. Give the leg a rest."

"You do not serve me Xenos, I enjoy your company and your time."

"Yes of course. Goodnight."

"Thank you again Xenos and good night." Hephaistion watched his friend walk away then turned to face whatever scolding Alexander had in mind for him.

Once in side the tent Hephaistion began babbling like a slave boy caught stealing sweets from the kitchen. He found himself slightly annoyed that Alexander was handling his flute but shrugged it off and without ceasing to speak went to the table and poured two cups of wine.

"…You must be starved Alexander. A bitch of a ride to get up here. That last climb is a damned steep one. Horses hate it, men too. Was going to cut a switchback but…The wine is good and I have some fruit and some good cheese some locals brought it round, bread too, it's good but a little hard for my liking you should enjoy it though. You've Leonidas to thank for that. No, gods, what am I thinking? Hot food, yes you need a hot meal. The men ran down two fine stags yesterday, there's stew. Yes hot…"

"Hephaistion."

"Hot stew. You had good weather coming up Alexander? Rained on me. Damned leg hates the wet. I'll just rouse a boy. Stew…"

"Hephaistion."

"There's bound to be some left, the wine is sweet and I also have…"

He stilled as Alexander pressed up against his back and took his trembling hands in his, stopping the food preparations, and then rested his head between Hephaistion's shoulder blades with a long sigh.

"Hephaistion, stop. Please stop. The wine will do fine. I am not hungry. Just stop, alright, stop." Hephaistion shuddered when Alexander pulled away slightly, placed his hand on the top of Hephaistion's head and smoothed down the long brown hair. It was a gesture that he had done since their youth and Hephaistion warmed at the memory.

"Yes, of course, just wine. Just wine." Hephaistion said sadly, then turned, handed the cup to Alexander and side stepped past his lover without looking at him. Slowly he limped across the tent and sat heavily down in his chair. Alexander closed his eyes and tried to relax, then feeling chilled he stoked the brazier before taking a seat across from Hephaistion in the chair that Xenos had occupied earlier.

They sat this way for a long time. In a deadlocked silence that wrenched at both of their guts. Neither had the words to unlock the puzzle that their love had become. Gordian's knot was a simple riddle compared to this Alexander thought to himself. Yes, how had he solved that one? The direct approach. Just cut the lock off. So simple. Then he spied the flute still sitting on the small table. He looked across at Hephaistion who sat stone still, staring away at the far side of his tent. Yes, the flute would do just fine.

Without further thought Alexander reached out and took the instrument. Hephaistion looked at him but made no move to retrieve it. Alexander fingered the holes and studied the fine engraving and the sheen of the wood where Hephaistion's fingers had already polished it with practice. Still no response, so Alexander did what he was best at. He took the initiative and slowly brought the Flute to his lips.

"Alexander, give it back to me please. It is mine." He looked at Alexander with a strangely detached and somber countenance. "It is mine, Alexander." He repeated reaching across the space between them with an open hand.

Alexander studied him but did not lower the instrument. "Yours. When Hephaistion, with all that lies between us, did anything become an issue of yours and mine? For a lifetime we have shared in everything Hephaistion. Everything."

"This, this, that… my flute it 'is' mine." Alexander read the hurt in Hephaistion's eyes and the guarded defiance in his soft voice. He was unsure, Alexander thought, unsure of just how he would respond. "Its mine. Can I have nothing apart from you Alexander? Please put it down. Give it to me. Please."

"It's a beautiful instrument." He replied putting the flute in Hephaistion's hand. "Perfectly wrought." He added as Hephaistion set the instrument on his lap.

"Xen…Xenos gave it to me. He's carried it Since Babylon. He has many."

"How's the leg?"

"What?" The question threw him. A diversion, and he knew it but let himself be caught by it just as Darius had. "Oh, sore. I still need to soak it tonight. Xe…the doctor says I should. You know, soak it every night."

"Xenos." He leaned forward his elbows on his knees and studied Hephaistion. "Xenos, yes your dark musician friend. Quite handsome that one. What have I done Hephaistion?"

"Done? Nothing Alexander. Why…"

"Why were you trembling?"

"Just surprised…"

"Surprised."

"To see you. Surprised."

"A king may go where he wishes."

"True enough."

"You have bedded him, Hephaistion." It wasn't a question but a statement. Hephaistion was thrown into turmoil.

Hephaistion stood, put the flute down again and despite the pain in his hip and leg he began to pace. He'd come to terms with the change in their relationship why couldn't Alexander? Why was the man being so dense? Didn't he understand? The last thing he wanted to do was fight about it. He'd struggled, struggled alone to finally be able to set aside his grief at losing Alexander to the eunuch. To heal his heart and try to move on. He'd tried so hard to force the memories of how Alexander felt and the tasted and smelled from his mind, to not need them. Not need him like that. He tried to be content just to be able to see his lover and talk to him on occasion, to simply cherish any contact no matter how fleeting but he'd failed. His heart was, he had to admit, though he knew it to be childish, broken. But now he'd accepted the change, accepted his new role in Alexander's life as second best as the one who waited to be called to his bed, the one who served. It did not help that for eight long months, he liked to lie to himself and say six or seven, but for eight lonely months Alexander had only pushed him away and he'd never, not even once, called him to bed.

"I've accepted the change in our lives Alexander. Why can't you?"

"Change? Have you bedded him?"

"Alexander, that is none of your business." He scolded himself. He'd not wanted to seem angry. He had promised himself that anger would not play a part in this.

"Everything about you is my business Hephaistion. You 'are' mine." Hephaistion winced at the remark. "Mine, we are bound." He pushed on, then standing he halted Hephaistion's pacing by stepping in front of him. "By the gods Hephaistion will you just look at me. Look at me! I've not ridden a five days journey in two just to stare at the top of your head man. Look at me!" He reached out and grasped Hephaistion's chin tilting his face upwards until their eyes finally met. "Xenos, did you bed him? Has he, has he had you?"

"What would it matter Alexander?" Hephaistion replied pulling free of Alexander's grasp. His voice low and steady. "You've not wanted me or desired me in some time. How long has it been Alexander? I came to you. When was the last time you wanted me? If ever."

"Did you? I demand to know. I have a right. We are…"

"What? We are what Alexander?" Hephaistion was through, he was angry that Alexander could not understand and despite his promise to hold his fury in it flared now and he found himself half screaming.

"We are as far apart from one another as Macedon is from the moon! For six long months I came to you only to be cast aside because you now favor the eunuch. Finally, to try to save my own torn soul I asked to come here. Here, away from you so that I could heal. I could not be so close to you and be spurned. Here so I could…somehow learn to accept and live with the fact that you no longer needed me in your bed. No longer desired me. I am so tired, Alexander, of being alone…"

"Did you!"

"Yes! Yes!" Hephaistion's voice broke and tears of anger and long pent up hurt and loneliness sprang from his eyes. Alexander had not seen his friend cry in years. "Yes! Is that what you want to hear? I grabbed him by the hair." He threw his cup across the tent and grabbed a stunned Alexander by the hair. "I kissed him hard!" He forced their lips together in a bruising, teeth clattering kiss. "Then I threw him onto my bed." Despite the fierce pain in his hip he leveraged Alexander around and shoved him onto the bed, following him down and pinning the smaller man's hands above his head. "Then I fucked him silly. Then after, and this is the best part! After I'd fucked him like an animal I kissed and stroked him tenderly until he fell asleep in my arms on your side on my bed. Is that what you wanted to hear Alexander? Does the scene spark your memory Alexander? That you should come here and interrogate me. By all the gods Alexander I love you more than life itself and that will never change. But us, we have changed! Grow up and accept it. You do not want me any longer. Not like that. Accept it! I have. Damn you Alexander. Damn you. I did not want to become angry. Damn you." He finished and pushing up off Alexander's chest with a rough shove he stood. "Leo! Leo!"

The boy appeared and kept his eyes averted not wishing to acknowledge Alexander still sprawled on the bed or the tears in Hephaistion's eyes . "Yes, Hephaistion?"

"My bath Leo, please. It grows late and I am tired and sore."

"Yes, I'll be sure that it is hot. I've already begun to heat the water Hephaistion. Your clothes are put out for you as well."

"You are a good lad Leo." When the boy still refused to look up Hephaistion tipped up his chin and looked into the dark frightened eyes "Don't worry yourself over him Leo, he's leaving."

Hephaistion stepped from behind the screen and was not surprised to see Alexander still sitting on the side of his bed again studying the flute. His anger had passed and he only wanted to heal the cleft between them. Hephaistion knew that the man typically did as he pleased and was seldom ordered into doing anything. He poured them each a cup of wine, returned to the bed, and sat down beside him shoulder to shoulder. Alexander took the cup drank a sip, set it aside and continued to run his fingers over the carvings on the flute.

"In your tent, when you were home, you were playing for me. You were saying good by."

"Yes."

Alexander fingered the instrument's holes in a silent song and sighed.

"I do not understand why I desire him so much Hephaistion. I fought the urge for a time but I was weak and…"

"We all change Alexander we…interests come and interests go. Its fate."

"But you, its always been you that I have loved."

"It is not, I've come to realize, always about love Alexander. But so often just about need. Not even desire but need."

"He is like this flute isn't he Hephaistion? Your Xenos. Beautifully made, able to…to be so strong and yet soft and sensuous when needed. The flute. It can pipe songs to guide men in war, and lull lovers into bliss. All from the same finely crafted instrument. I can see that he does so for you. Also that he cares for you. I am sorry that I could not give you that Hephaistion. Here. Love him well."

Hephaistion took the flute and set it aside. "Alexander for me there is no love. I like him. I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, by the gods Alexander when have I ever truly had a friend? The men they keep me at arms length and you, you are so spread between the army and the people and…" He paused unable to say the name. The name of the one who'd replaced him.

"Bagoas." Alexander filled it in. "I'm sorry. I should have talked to you I should not have just turned from you. I didn't think you cared, or minded. You said nothing to me of it. I just thought…Hephaistion I do not want to be petty about this or to fight about it like two jealous hens."

"Nor I."

"For me it is just base lust. I am ashamed yet still I let it continue. And you?"

"Alexander, I bedded him a handful of times. But still I feel ashamed and guilty afterwards. Yes, it is pleasurable. Very much so. Very different. I will not deny that. Yes, he does please me. But without love…without the purest part of coupling there seems to be nothing. It is an empty pleasure. After the first time, I slept in his arms, Alexander, and I wept. I wept because it had been so long since I'd had the comfort of another's touch, so long since I'd felt anything at all other than disdain. I wept because I needed 'you'. But I've lost you to change and I can accept that. Let me move on. Let me have my flute. Let me for once be me and not us. Its time Alexander, let me make my own way." He paused and sighed. "Alexander, a queen I can share you with. But this Bagoas…let loose my chain, let me go."

"I did not understand your silence. I misread it as anger." He ran a hand through his thick blond hair. "I am sorry. I was selfish and blinded by lust. By my own base needs. All you had to do was ask and I would have refused him." At that Hephaistion laughed.

"No you would not have Alexander. You have simply taken greater pains to hide it from me. That would have hurt far more."

How is it, Hephaistion wondered, that these things wind down? Fear and guilt turned to anger, turned to sadness turned to need and desire. He wanted only to fall into Alexander's comfortable embrace, his anger now long forgotten. To taste him, and smell him to be inside him. By the gods, yes that, that would be nice. The desire was overwhelming and he had no idea how to respond. Would Alexander even care to touch him. The eunuch was trained and likely a far better lover than Hephaistion could ever hope to be. The boy had tricks certainly that he'd used to ensnare Alexander. But what did he have? Nothing. Then as if reading his thoughts Alexander spoke.

"We have, always will have by the gods decree our love Hephaistion. That will never fade or change."

Hephaistion trembled at the words. He put his cup aside and faced Alexander. What should he say? What should he do? To have him now and then loose him again…need. It all came down to need. Just as the flute needed a steady stream of air to sound its beautiful music love needed a steady flow of care and understanding to keep it alive.

"My leg. Yes. In the bath, once my anger passed, I hoped you would stay. Stay and tend to it. Rub in the salve and take away my pain. You have the best hands and you know just how to ease my wounds Alexander, all of them." An invitation was an invitation after all.

Alexander couldn't help but smile. "Where do I begin?"

"A bath; you stink."

"You always claimed that you could smell me."

"Yes, but not because you smell like Oxhead. A bath for you and then my leg. We'll go from there. A new beginning. With new changes." He leaned over and kissed Alexander lightly on the lips. "If of course you will have me. I'm no Persian trained trickster of a eunuch, so my skills are plain and few."

"I think tonight that I will surprise you."

"Learned a thing or two have you?" Hephaistion prodded a wicked glint in his eyes.

"Yes, my dear Hephaistion and they are far more fun than playing the flute. Although some just might be similar." He leaned across now and kissed Hephaistion. "This Xenos, he is older. He taught you nothing?" Alexander asked tilting his head and cocking an eyebrow. Hephaistion began to laugh. Yes indeed how did these things wind down?

"Alexander, you will just have to wait and see."

Later that night as they lay for the first time, in so many long months, wrapped round each other Hephaistion spoke quietly to Alexander and pulled the smaller man even tighter to his body in a selfish, crushing embrace.

"What now? You return to your Bagoas and I to my Xenos? What now Alexander?"

"We do as you said Hephaistion accept the change, and trust that from now on we understand that we still have each other, still love each other and we promise to never again let our silence rule us. I do desire you, I just got lost for a while. Follow your piper Hephaistion. If it will bring solace and joy to you then you have my blessing."

Alexander stayed two weeks at Hephaistion's little outpost. When he left it was agreed that in the future Alexander would grant him tasks of greater importence, and also to allow him to venture apart more often from the main army giving him room and space to keep his heart at ease. Xenos would become Hephaistion's second and always travel with him. It was mended now the rift that had pushed them apart. Time had changed the course of their relationship and time would finish the healing. They would never again be as intamate as they were in their youth, both having found surcrease in another. Hephaistion, though it saddened Alexander, would never play his flute for him. The ache in their hearts was dulled; both knowing that the lack of physical intimacy would not dampen the depth of the love that locked their souls as one. They could still have each other when they felt the need.

When he rode away from the camp that last day Alexander called Xenos to him at the gate and bade the big soldier to keep close watch over his beloved Hephaistion for him. Telling him not to love him as he would love his king, as they are of course, still one soul; but to love him as Hephaistion loves Alexander.