Abby let herself into the apartment and closed the door with a big sigh. She looked around and was glad to see that Neela was out somewhere and she had her place to herself. Even though she had only worked an eight hour shift, she was drained. She had left once, sure she couldn't handle being there, but somehow ended up going back and finishing the shift. About five minutes after she got home, the phone rang, and noting the San Francisco number on the caller ID, she picked it up.

"Hello," she said, taking the cordless phone and wandering into the kitchen.

"Hi Abby," Kim Lagaspi said, "Did you call Dr. Bailey?"

"Yes I did. I have processed all my feelings of fear, grief and anger in an emotionally safe environment," Abby said, while pouring herself a glass of juice.

"That line sounds just a little too rehearsed," Kim said patiently. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Abby said, the words she had been trying to say with conviction all day came tumbling out of her mouth.

"Abby, that wasn't a social 'how are you.' I really want to know how you are."

Abby set the glass down and flopped onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest, "I don't know, Dr. Lagaspi. Some of the things I though would bother me didn't. I was able to walk around in the ambulance bay without any problem and the hospital itself didn't bother me. But some tones of voice set me on edge, and I wasn't able to suture. The smell of hamburgers makes me nauseated. I can still smoke, though. Even though one of them gave me a cigarette when I asked for it."

"You have been smoking as a reaction to stress for much of your life," Kim said, remembering the conversation she and Abby had had in one of the family sessions while Kim was treating Maggie. "You can't expect that you will give up that way of coping. Did you remember to tell Dr. Bailey about your history with alcohol? How are you doing with that?"

Abby couldn't help but smile at the delicate way Dr. Lagaspi had phrased her question. "Yes I did tell her, and yes, I've had a few cravings, "Abby said honestly. "But I promised not to 'use alcohol' to try to forget. I know it won't work, and I don't need that problem on top of everything else. I did kick my roommate out, though."

Kim wasn't sure how drinking and Abby kicking her roommate out were related, or even if they were but since Abby was taking fairly freely, she wanted to encourage that. She knew it wasn't easy for someone as guarded as Abby to open up in the best of times, and this was far from the best of times. "So why did you ask your roommate to move?"

Abby got up and started pacing around the living room. "I'm not sure, I'm just tired of everybody watching me ever minute, waiting for me to crack. I want to be able to just move around my own home and not have to worry about putting on a front for someone."

"Nobody is expecting you to put up a front, in fact you shouldn't put up a front. If you are hiding how you are feeling, you aren't going to heal," Kim said. "I know you don't like calling attention to yourself, but if you want to cry, then cry. Throw something if you want to. And if someone is there to see you do it, well, too bad."

Abby shook a cigarette out of her pack and lit it as she contemplated Dr. Lagaspi's words. "I don't think I feel like crying or throwing things. I just want my life back the way it was. I don't understand why this whole thing is affecting me so much anyway. Its not like I actually got hurt. I've seen much worse things happen to other people."

"You may not have gotten injured, but you were hurt," Kim said. "Your spirit is as bruised as your body could have been. And don't compare your trauma to someone else's. This happened to you and your feelings are valid.

"I know," Abby sighed. "Dr. Bailey told me the same thing."

"When do you see her next?" Kim asked. "You are still going, right?"

"I'll see her tomorrow, even though I just saw her this morning. She wanted to see me as soon as possible after my first shift back," Abby said, settling back down on the couch. Hearing her phone beep, she said "I need to go, the call waiting just went off. Its probably Carter or Luka. Or maybe Susan or Kerry. One of them, or sometimes all of them, call every day."

"They call because they care, Abby," Kim said, softly. "Let them care about you. Don't shut them out."

Abby let a reluctant smile cross her lips, that was the trouble taking with a shrink, they could always figure you out. "I'll do my best," she said.

"That's all anyone can ask," Kim said. "I'll talk to you in a few days."

"Bye, Dr Lagaspi," Abby said, then clicking the flash button, she took the other call, determined not to shut out whoever it was. It was Carter on the line.