"I can't believe we're here," Mac sighed.
"Where?" Harm sat down on the chair beside Mac at the kitchen table in his new apartment. Mac was taking a sip from the water bottle in her hand. There were a few cartons with take-out Chinese food, which had just been delivered to the door, in front of them on the table.
"Well, you know. That you've been home for three months now and are moving out. That you're going to live here," Mac motioned her hand around the room. She was thinking back on the time that Harm had been staying with them in the house. She could never have imagined that it would go so well. Better than well actually. Especially the last couple of weeks had been wonderful, though Harm's impending depart had put some damper on their moods the last week.
"Oh that. Yeah, well I think that it will be all right. I mean this apartment is … great and you and Belle will be close, but …"
"But it won't be like before," Mac said sadly.
"No, it won't," Harm said and looked down on his hands that were holding the carton with chicken and sticks. "I will miss you, both of you." He reached out his hand and squeezed Mac's for a second.
"We … I will miss you too." Mac looked into Harm's eyes, but for a second the silent exchange between them was too intense for both of them and they looked down at their hands.
Their discussion changed to safer subjects and they weren't talking all the time either. Both of them were tired after having moved Harm's things from the storage and the things he had had at Mac's house. Jack, Sturgis and of course Isabelle had helped during the day, but the last couple of hours Harm and Mac have worked alone. Sturgis had to go home and Jack took Isabelle with him to go and get something to eat much earlier and had by now hopefully gotten her to bed.
"Can I ask you a favor?" Mac asked as they were pretty much finished. "I know you'll be busy this week, it being your first week back to work, but I thought I'd still ask you first."
"You can always ask," Harm smiled.
"Could you take Isabelle on Tuesday?"
"Sure," Harm said without giving it a lot of thought just then. He had already decided that he wasn't going to let work come between him seeing his daughter. They had already missed too much time. "Are you doing anything special?"
"Jack and I have an appointment with the family counselor."
"Oh," Harm said shocked "Are you … Are you going to try again?" he asked obviously shaken at the thought of it.
"No, no, we had just decided on this before. It's sort of like a check-in to see how everything is going halfway through the separation-time."
"Good," Harm couldn't help letting out a sigh.
"Good?" Mac asked her eyebrows raised.
Harm looked at her actually quite surprised that she's heard him. Harm had to take a few deep breaths to collect himself before he started talking and explaining himself.
"Mac, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I couldn't find the words and I'm not sure that I've found them yet, but I need to get this out," Harm took a deep breath. He was going to take this from the beginning.
"On Belle's birthday, when she called me Dad for the first time," Harm couldn't help smiling when he remembered that. Since then she had started using Dad for him sometimes, even though she still said Harm most of the times. "When I said that I love her, it was … it was the first time I've ever said that to anyone. I never told the people I loved that I loved them. I hoped that I showed them how I felt, but …" Harm had been looking down on his hands, but now he looked up into Mac's face. Something told him that she would be there regardless of what he said.
"Most important, Mac. I never told you how much you meant to me, still means to me," Harm took yet another deep breathe "How much I love you."
"Harm," Mac reached out and put her hand on his arm "Of course I love you too. I always have. You're my best friend, the father of my child. Of course I love you."
Harm wanted to scream out that that was not how he meant it. That he had wanted more than to have her as his friend, he had wanted it all with her and though he didn't even dare to think it, he still did. But Harm was silent and the chance slipped away.
At the same time, Mac wanted to tell him exactly in what ways she had loved him. The emotions she had expressed were just the top of the iceberg. She wished she had taken this chance to talk everything through, especially about what had happened between them that night almost nine years ago. But Mac was silent and the chance slipped.
TBC