Thanks to:
A Cute But Psycho Bunny – Ha, fins out what Jean did to Scott this chapter! And nothing Tabby does surprises me.
Arikitten – I love Evil Jean (hell, I dedicated two fics to her dark side!) and I agree, Storm has to be seriously strong to put up with all this. Although I think she's about to snap…
Riderazzo – I actually thought of a pretty funny sequel to this fic that would have your idea as an important part, so it might be posted on here yet (keep an eye out!). There's lots of love in this chapter so enjoy!
Randomnimity – I'm PB! And I think there was a conga line at my last party…it might have been cops in riot gear though. It's all kind of a tequila-induced blur. Probably a good thing there wasn't a swimming pool, after reading the review it made me grateful!
Rogue14 – Back on common ground here (any ground containing me tends to be common lol) with more asses! Well, one gratuitous ass mention.
LadyEvils – I just love thinking of drunk Logan, although technically he shouldn't be able to get drunk and stay that way. But to hell with technicalities! Ray will be getting off the roller coaster, without enthusiasm. And I'm a big Brotherhood fan too! Although I guess that shows.
TheDreamerLady – I've never been a fan of Amyro and this was kind of a way where I could get used to the idea…although I never planned for everyone to start loving Pyro, it just kinda happened! Find out what happened to Scott right here!
Todd Fan – I nicked the eye soap thing from the Simpsons. Drunk Logan rocks!
Elmo The Cajun Puppet – Ha, I get chased around by the men with the butterfly nets a lot and I have a whole cupboard full of hug-me jackets as modelled by Wanda! Is this update soon enough for ya?
Disclaimer: I own Mr Smash and seventy-two male strippers. But nothing else. Hell, seventy-two male strippers does me!
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"Who's missing?" Storm did a quick mental count. "We still need to find Scott and Ray. Where are they?"
"I think Scott said something about getting to a hairdressers," said Jean innocently. "You know how he likes his hair to be military neat."
"And he was last seen being chased down a hall by you threatening him with a comb," said Pietro. "What did you do?"
"Nothing!"
Storm sighed. "Kurt, you seem to be the only person who kept his sanity through the entire trip. Could you go to the hairdressers and find Scott?"
"Sure." Kurt gave his drink a mournful look and took off.
"Jean, can you scan the building to find Ray?"
Concentrating, Jean could find no trace of Ray in the hotel but when she widened her search area, she located him in the amusement park in the neighbouring facility. "He's riding the roller coaster. I spoke to him telepathically, asked him to come back, but he told me to, uh get lost."
"Are you sure 'get lost' were his exact words?" Sam smirked.
Phinneus Smash entered the room and headed to their table. "Hey there kids. Heard a couple of you got into some trouble last night." He grinned widely at the thought.
"Young Pietro here got married," said Storm. "He's rather upset. Is there anything you can do to help us?"
"Sure thing!" Smash took out his cell phone and made a call, turning away from them and indicating to the barman to bring him a drink. The conversation was quick and when he turned back to them he still looked amused, the phone still in one hand. "What's the name of the girl you want whacked?"
"We don't want anyone whacked!" Storm looked horrified. "We just want Pietro divorced!"
"Oh, right, sure. I was just joking!" Smash surreptitiously cut the call off and dialled another number.
"Oh man!" Lance pouted. "We could have had Mystique bumped off if we'd spoken a bit quicker."
"There's no excuse for that sort of thing," replied Storm sternly.
"'Course there is 'Ro," slurred Logan. "Tell Smashy to get the hit man back on the line!"
"Logan!"
"It's not like it can be traced back to ush."
"Logan!"
Smash put the phone away and took a swig of his drink. "You got married at that alien place? Guy there owes me a favour. My associate's gonna make sure that no record of your wedding exists. Like it never happened."
Pietro sighed in relief. Lance just had to burst his bubble. "You know, when Mystique finds out she's gonna hit the roof."
"Oh shit!" Pietro crashed his head onto the table. "Why does this type of thing always happen to me?"
"Who is it son?" Smash looked sympathetic.
"Woman on the top floor, red hair, blue skin, talking to herself about what colour to paint the nursery."
"I'll sort it out, don't you worry. I'll break the news to her then have so many male strippers up there she'll think it's her birthday!"
"Only trouble is, no stripper could ever compare to me." Pietro reflected on his terrible luck of being the best looking guy in the world.
Kitty blinked. "He's just delusional. Thank you Mr Smash."
"Hell no, thank you! This weekend has been the most interesting around here for years! I've never seen so much destruction in a single weekend in my life! You wanna make this a monthly thing?"
"Like PMS? No thank you Mr Smash," said Storm through gritted teeth.
"Well we would!" Logan grabbed for his glass, found it empty and stole Fred's.
"Yeah!" Remy beamed at the thought. "Gambit t'ink dat's a great idea! Don' fight it Stormy. Maybe you get laid again, non? Hey, did dis room get dark you t'ink?"
With a dazzling display of foresight, Rogue threw herself away from Remy as a bolt of lightning broke through the window. Sadly for Storm, even while drunk Gambit had good reflexes and managed to avoid being incinerated. Barely.
Kurt chose that moment to walk back into the bar, accompanied by Scott, who looked very…suspicious. The shades were firmly on his nose but a baseball cap covered his head and he had both hands shoved deep into his pockets as he looked at the floor.
"Ah, there you are Scott," said Storm calmly as Remy picked himself off the floor and regarded the ruins of his still-smouldering seat. "Are you quite ready to rejoin us and work out what we'll tell the Professor?"
"Uh, sure." Scott sat down at the table, glanced sideways at Jean and muttered, "When we get back to Bayville, we have to have a serious talk about our relationship."
"Like reasons it's a good idea to accuse your girlfriend of marrying some one else then accuse her of being an evil shapeshifting terrorist and attacking her?"
"That's no reason for what you did."
The others, most of whom hadn't seen what had happened earlier, stared at the couple in surprise."
"No reason? It's a good reason!"
"You're the one who got us arrested, flashing that cop!"
"I wouldn't have flashed the cop if you didn't have your hand up my shirt!"
"I wouldn't have had my hand up your shirt if you hadn't shoved your hand down my pants!"
Snikt!
"I didn't have my hand up her shirt!" Scott glanced over in Logan in terror. "She's making it all up! It's all lies! Lies I tell you!"
Logan stood up, planted his hands on the table and glared threateningly at Scott. "You know something bub…I've completely forgotten what I was gonna shay. What were we jusht talking about?"
Storm glared. "Sit down Logan."
Logan sat heavily in his chair and glanced over at Remy, who had retaken his seat on the lightning-damaged chair. "You know something Cajun – you look like you just did the mother of all farts!"
Remy glanced down in confusion and began sniggering when he realised what Logan was talking about.
"Logan, be quiet!" Storm rested her head on her hand, wondering if forty-eight hours of none-stop sex was worth all this aggravation. Yesterday she would have said yes, but now she was beginning to wonder.
"So, what's with the cap Scott?" Kitty reached over and yanked it off Scott's head.
"Kitty, no!"
The others gazed at him, startled. "You got your hair cut like Toad's?" asked Rogue.
Todd straightened his lucky wig and glared at the X-Men's fearless leader. "It doesn't matter what you do man. You're not stealing Wanda off me! We're married now!"
"What?" Scott tried to snatch his cap back. "I don't want to steal Wanda from you…"
Pietro quickly reached over and grabbed a handful of Scott's hair, which came away from his head. Scott tried to grab it back but Pietro was too fast for him.
"NOOOO!" Scott tried to cover his head with his arms but the others could see what had happened to him. Scott was bald. Professor Xavier style bald.
"You did that to him?" Pietro regarded Jean with wonder. "You ever think about joining the Brotherhood?"
"It'sh Professor S!" Logan laughed at his own joke.
"Jean!" Storm leapt to her feet. "How are we going to explain this to Charles?"
Jean shrugged. "We could say that Scott's desire to emulate him has gone too far."
"You can't say that!" Scott kept one arm over his head while trying to rescue either the cap or the wig. "He'll think I'm weird!"
"He can join the club then," said Lance with a smirk. "Where's my camera?"
"Enough!" Storm slammed a hand on the table, making them all jump. "Kurt, would you go and get Ray off the roller coaster? The rest of you, just – shut up!"
Kurt ran off and the others sat silent for a moment. Storm glared around the table, daring anyone to open their mouths. For almost five minutes, peace reigned.
A sudden commotion at the door made everyone turn. A man in a suit walked in and noticed Phinneus Smash sat with the mutants. "Hey Mr Smash. Did you order seventy-two male strippers?"
"Hi Barry. Sure did." Smash rose and greeted the man with a handshake. The females at the table stared unashamedly as the suited man was followed by a long line of hunky men wearing G-strings, baby oil and smiles.
"Wanda!" Todd looked upset. "You're married to me now!"
"Yeah, but I can still look."
"If you stop looking right now I'll…" Todd whispered something in her ear. Wanda immediately dropped her gaze from the strippers and smiled adoringly at him.
"Gross!" Pietro cringed.
"Great," sighed Kitty.
Lance sneakily pinched her buttock cheek. Kitty shrieked at the recent wound of her tattoo and whirled around, eyes blazing. "You bastard!"
"At least your attention's back on me now," said Lance.
"No, actually it's on me." Kitty punched him in the arm and Lance yelled in pain.
Rogue thoughtfully put her hand in her pocket, where the slim power-suppressing collar was temporarily housed. "Hmm…"
Remy saw the motion and leaned over to her. "I'll tell Logan."
"I'm only looking," she said sulkily.
The strippers followed the suited man out of the bar and Storm, temporarily distracted, turned her attention back to the table. "Amara! Get your tongue out of Pyro's ear, you don't know where it's been!"
"Don't worry love, I know exactly where it's been," replied Pyro.
"Uh, Amara, didn't you notice the seventy-two strippers who were just in here?" asked Rogue.
"Seventy-two strippers?" Tabby laughed. "We'd have noticed something like that!"
"There were no strippers Rogue," added Amara. "There was only St John!"
"He lights a fire in our hearts," sighed Tabby.
Storm cleared her throat. Everyone at the table lapsed into silence, Lance and Kitty massaging bruised appendages and sulking, for a further fourteen seconds.
Bamf!
Kurt crashed heavily to the floor, clinging to Ray by his foot. Ray hit a nearby table, scattering glasses across the floor and food into the laps of the guests.
Kurt looked apologetic. "I couldn't get him off the roller coaster and he was clinging to the car and it was the only thing I could think of to get him off it…"
Storm jumped to her feet. "BARMAN! BRING ME ALCOHOL! NOW!"
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Two hours later, the private plane was leaving the airport, Smash waving to the mutants after persuading Storm that a second visit wasn't such a bad idea at all. Pyro had once again been mysteriously rendered unconscious by a glass of Remy's home brew. Logan and Gambit who had decided they were best friends were consuming the last of said home brew. Remy kept pouring Rogue glasses as well and Logan was doing the same for Storm, who had mysteriously forgiven his drunkenness and was playing with his hair, a silly smile on her face.
"Because homme, if we made de kids curfew an hour earlier we could go to de bar!"
"Remy, you are soooo smart!" said Rogue adoringly.
"Remy would sneak his chere out too," added Gambit, delighted by his own cunning.
"But if we shneakt. Shnickt. Snuck Rogue out, Charles might do the Eyebrow on us!" Storm shuddered in horror and Logan wrapped an arm around her.
"Let me worry about that," said Logan with a grin. "He can't do the Eyebrow if we ushe shome of that delly. Dilly. Delipeli. Delipelipilly…that cream you ushe for your bikini line!"
Storm frowned. "Whuh? Nothing wrong with my bikini line. Don't see how showin that to Charles will make him not do the Eyebrow."
"No. We don't ushe it on you. We use it on Chuck!"
"What's his bikini line got to do with it?"
"No. We put it on hish eyebrows an then he can't do the Eyebrow!"
"Logan, you'sh a genius!" Storm wrapped her arms around him and began chewing on an earlobe.
Lance was sat next to Kitty, looking guilty. "I'm sorry I pinched your tattoo."
"You should be," she said.
"Can I rub it better for you?"
"OK!"
"Hey you two, take it into the bathroom!" yelled Pietro irritably.
"Can't," said Lance. "Wanda and Toad are in there."
"URGH!" Pietro dived under his seat and decided it might be safest to stay there for the rest of the journey.
Sam and Roberto stared at Amara and Tabby, giving them both the creeps. "What is it with you two?" asked Tabby eventually.
"Can you tell us why you like Pyro?" said Roberto.
"There are so many reasons," sighed Amara.
"Well, could you give us a list starting with the things you like best and working down?" Sam looked hopefully at them.
Beaming, overjoyed by the chance to talk about their man, Amara and Tabby began talking about Pyro in a manner that suggested they might not stop for a long time.
Scott was trying to paint on some hair with a magic marker. He glanced sideways at Jean. "Look I'm sorry I thought you were Mystique."
"And?"
"And I'm sorry I blasted you."
"And?"
"And what? That's all I did!"
"Fine then." Jean turned away, swigged at her drink and glared out of the window.
"What? What else did I do?"
"If you have to ask, then I'm not going to tell you."
"What?"
Storm jumped to her feet and dragged Logan up. "I just need to use the bathroom. Would you help me Logan?"
"Why d'ya need my…oh yeah! Yeah, shure. Help you." Logan tipped a wink to Remy and Rogue and followed Storm to the bathroom, where they found it locked.
"Hey bub, open up! Emergency!"
"It's occupied yo!"
"Let us in Toad!"
The pilots voice broke in over the tannoy. "Would all passengers please go to their seats and fasten their seatbelts?"
With grumbles, everyone did so, Toad and Wanda emerging from the bathroom looking a little dishevelled. Everyone got to their seats and waited to land. And waited.
Storm got to her feet and hammered on the cockpit door. "Why are we in our seats? We're not due to land yet!"
"Because I'm getting nervous that some one's about to die," replied the pilot.
Storm turned around and grinned. "Nowhere near landing yet. Let's party!"