Er…I'm back. After a bit of a vacation. But we won't talk about that here. So here we go again…

"Oh my gosh! What was that sound?"

"What sound, Buri?"

"It sounded kind of like a snake…" said Gary thoughtfully.

"Not a snake," said a boy with glasses, a scar, and a pitiful English accent; "a basilisk."

"A basilisk?" gasped everyone together.

"I'll kill it!"

"No, here it comes!" said the strange boy. "We can't kill it, we'll just have to stand in a pipe, throw rocks at it, and hope it gets scared and slithers off!"

So, they all hid in a corner, and slowly but surely, the snake slithered towards them. Harry picked up a rock, breathing deeply. He prepared to throw it. But then…

"This is a job for Raoul, the greatest of all Tortallian warriors!"

"NO, I will destroy the basilisk!" cried Gary, because I'm the strongest."

"But I'm the King!"

"I'm a top class thief!"

"I'm a sorcerer, I could take it!"

"I'm the most beautiful girl alive!"

"I'm a cat!"

"I'm not going to take part in this argument."

"Neither am I, Buri."

"For a bad guy you do have some common sense, Alex. Did you live in Tortall all your life?"

"Yeah. But I hear you're not from around here?"

"No. I came here accompanying Queen Thayet…

and that's the story."

"Pretty interesting. So-

"Hey, how'd you kill the basilisk?" yelled the boy. "Do you have magical powers too?"

"All I did was smile at it. Maybe it just can't handle someone this beautiful."

The Tortallians bit their lips to keep from saying something. Except for one.

"Hey, Al- I mean, Thayet is the most beautiful woman in this land!"

"What did you just say?" Delia shrieked. "You're just jealous Jon!"

"Why, because I'm not as pretty as you? Oh wait, you're U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you're ugly, yeah, yeah, you're ugly, yeah!" Jon did a toe touch to complete the affect.

"Uh…quit hitting on my wife!"

"I'm not"

"Yes you are. Verbally I mean."

"Well yeah, you're right there."

"Right where?" asked Raoul.

"He's right…you know what I mean!"

"Look what are you people doing down here? I'm rescuing a girl. A girl with the most beautiful red hair I've ever seen…" the boy sighed dreamily.

"What, you're after Alanna too? I'll kill you!" George lunged at the boy, whose dark hair slightly covered his green eyes, wide open in horror. Liam pulled George off the boy.

"George, George, calm down. I'll take care of this punk!" Alanna's random admirers dog-pilled on top of the boy (the one who lived).

"No," wheezed the boy. "I speak not of this maid Alanna, but of the beautiful Virginia. Of her deep, brown eyes, of her love for me. Soon she shall speak of how I came to rescue her, thus she will fling herself into my arms, and I will comfort her through the horrors of her abduction. She will then proclaim herself to be forever mine."

"How did he manage to say that with, uh…eighty five guys on top of him?"

"How does she have eighty-five admirers?"

"Actually, I think some of the men are from New England. They've become obsessed with tackling each other in honor of the New England Patriots, Dagda damn them for destroying the Eagles." Gary offered a toast to the glorious team of Philadelphia, may their pathetic name forever live on in the hearts of…about the three people who love them.

"Then off with you young man," said Roger. "Off in the name of love, to rescue your fair maiden-

"How can I go off with eight hundred and fifty six men a top of me?"

"I'm certain she doesn't have that many lovers," said Delia with a scoff.

"Admirers, not lovers. She has but one love!" George said defensively.

"I told you, it's those damn Patriots."

your hearts desire, you're lovely red-haired vixen-

"My gosh Roger, have you been with her too?"

"I don't think so, just Delia. And Liam. And Faithful."

Everyone stared at Roger. And his various loves.

'Look, that is not true' meowed Faithful. But no one believed him. It was just sick thinking about it.

The gaze shifted to Liam. "Look, I was lonely after Alanna left, you know how that is." He received blank stares. "Okay, Alex knows how that is…where is Alex?"

"And that's how I defeated the giant snow gnome!'

"Alex, you're a hero!" exclaimed Buri.

"I was just doing my job."

"But you saved his life!"

"Yeah, I know, I mean-why the hell is everyone staring at me?"

"We need to get going, Alex. Quit wasting our time," said Jon.

So the group marched on.

"Hey Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you a bi? Or just gay?"

"WTF?"

Yeah, there was a cameo by HP himself! Maybe we'll find out what happened to him sometime in the distant, distant future.

Anyway, if you don't like my story you tell me why, just don't tell me 'I hat your story, it's stupid.' It's MEANT to be stupid. If it were a serious fic, it would be drama, not humor.

Apllo21