Wish It Would Break

Part 1: Damaged

August 25, 2008

Dear Stephen,

Three years ago, I met you at some party and I overheard some people talk you. I guess we really didn't meet because we were never introduced, but now all I can think about was how great you were to those people. And I just wanted you to know that you mean the same to me
I don't know what compelled me to write you or why. I guess, after finding some book that I read a long time ago with the author that had the same name as you. This kid, named Charlie, wrote letters to somebody he knew by another person. He started off with:

I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it's that simple. At least that's what I've heard.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

And I don't want you to find me like Charlie didn't want his friend to find him.

Love always,

Liz

September 7, 2008

Dear Stephen,

I honestly feel like I am going to die young. I mean, I'm not sick or anything, but I guess I actually want to die at a young age. I'm not suicidal because I want my death to be at a time when people know me well enough to care. I figured this out when I turned fourteen and I had my wisdom teeth extracted. I remember being put to sleep with laughing gas but I was panicking as I was losing my consciousness. I was losing my surroundings as the voices of the doctors were becoming distant even with them standing adjacent to the operating table I was on. I absolutely hated the fact that the room was becoming darker and I felt like I was spinning.

The experience has changed me, I guess, in unexpected ways. For instance, I never had any desire to take drugs, even with peer pressure. There are always plenty of excuses why people take drugs and believe me, I could get anyone's pity if I wanted to. You know…the classic: girl gets raped, girl becomes traumatized, girl can't handle the facts of life, and then girl needs drugs to escape. That COULD be me since…well, let's just say I was stuck by lightening twice.

Remember, I don't want you to pity me. I was too young and naïve to understand what was happening to me the first time. Although, when you are six years old, the pain does intensify. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about the second time…just yet. I swear that I don't have it so bad because if I did, I would be out on the streets…

Love always,

Liz

September 11, 2008

Dear Stephen,

When I turned seven, my parents moved our family to a small town in central New Mexico where my parents grew up. Roswell, New Mexico to be exact and well, anyway, this is where I met my best friend, Maria. I remember meeting her and feeling really stupid. Hah, I still feel really stupid around her because she gives off this presence that she doesn't care about anybody but herself and nothing is ever good enough for her. That's not who she is though because for her, nothing is ever good enough for the people she cares for. She is my Best. We can relate to each other unlike anybody else we know. I guess being friends since the 3rd grade may have been the result to that. Who knows?

I do know that I have so much to thank Maria for…she brought Max into my life. I don't expect anybody to understand how much he meant to me and how he affected my life. I mean, he taught me so much especially love and life. Oh, god, we had the all-consuming, true love.

I miss him.

Love always,

Liz

Author's note:

1 Damaged – "Damaged" is sung by TLC. You'll find me naming all my chapter titles from song titles or lyrics. If you get the chance, play the song while you are reading this and to match the emotion.

2 Chbosky, Stephen. The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

"Damaged" lyrics

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes

Don't always say, what's on my mind

You know that I've been hurt, by some guy

But I don't wanna mess up this time

BRIDGE

And I really really really care

And I really really really want you

And I think I'm kinda scared

Cos I don't want to lose you

If you really really really care

Then maybe you can hang through

I hope you understand

It's nothing to you

CHORUS

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find

Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine

I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through

Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)

And I really really really want you (I really do want you)

And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)

Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)

If you really really really care (If you care for me like you

say)

Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang

through)

I hope you understand (I hope you understand)

It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that (I think you should know)

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you

should know that)

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)

I think you should know that (I think you should know that)

I've been damaged (I've been damaged)

I'm falling in love (I love you so)

There's one disadvantage (I love you so)

I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you

And I think I'm kinda scared

Cos I don't want to lose you

If you really really really care

Then maybe you can hang through

I hope you understand

It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've

been damaged)

I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)

I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low

I'm so much to manage

I think you should know that

I've been damaged

I'm falling in love

There's one disadvantage

I think you should know that I've been damaged