In the eye of the wolf

Written by Becca

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. So basically, I own nothing and JK owns it all

Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts late with many secrets. His friends seem to have gone their separate ways and he finds he can only find the peace he needs in his own mind. He becomes withdrawn and depressed; will he allow anyone to break through the ice he has wrapped around his own heart? Will he find love and learn to shoulder his burden with a straight face or will he sink further into the darkness until he is lost.

Author Notes: I wrote this chapter for you today and now its 6 in the evening and I havent even been to bed for last night yet so I'm off now. I havent got any written on chapter eight and will try to write some tomorrow but I'm not promising anything. I hope you like this chapter and if it seems a bit rushed and if there are loads of mistakes its cos I'm tired lol.

Chapter Seven

Harry settled back into his student life pretty quickly though he missed the solitude he had in the Hospital Wing. His friends never left his side and whilst a part of him appreciated that greatly, another part of him just wished they would give him some time to himself, if just to think. He had promised himself the month before that he would not be alive at the time of his next transformation and a part of him still wished he wouldn't be.

Even though his friends and family had been supportive, he had the rest of his life to think about. First there was the unbelievable pain every month and more importantly the fighting of the wolf. Then there was the prejudice he would receive when the rest of the world found out. Then of course, there was life after Hogwarts. How could he ever get a job as a Healer or an Auror now? The Ministry would not employ him, whether he was the boy-who-lived or not, neither would any of the other leading occupations in Harry's mind.

He would be doomed to shifting from meager jobs that he would be lucky if they lasted two months a time. The small fortune his parents left him would be enough to keep him in clothes and food for about ten years after Hogwarts if he was extremely lucky and bought it second hand. Then there was the whole war with Voldemort, the Dark Lord had a direct way to torture and kill him now, with silver. He knew for certain that that was coming sometime in the future, was he just supposed to sit and wait?

No, as far as he was concerned, it would be better to go sooner rather than later, before anyone got even more attached to him than they already were...or than they appeared to be. He didn't believe for a minute that any of his friends or family loved or cared for him as much as they said they did, why would they? He was just a weak, pathetic child who was going to cost far more gold in wolfbane potion supplies than he was worth. He knew they only pretended because they believed he would be the one to defeat Voldemort... The sooner they realized he was useless in that department, as well as in any other, the better.

"Harry? Are you alright?" Remus asked and Harry looked up from where he was sat finishing his homework with a forced smile as he nodded. Remus looked at him skeptically for a good five minutes after Harry went back to his work before Sirius returned from his scheduled nightly rounds of the corridors and distracted his attention.

"Hey kiddo, nearly done?" Sirius asked as he ruffled Harry's hair. Harry made a noise of irritation at the back of his throat as he finished the paragraph he was working on. He then threw down his quill and pushed the essay away with a sigh. "Have you taken your potion?" Sirius asked again and Harry nodded, his eyes closed as he leant his head back against the armchair.

"Uh huh, it was in my goblet at dinner" he replied eventually and he opened his eyes to watch as Sirius pulled Remus closer and held his arm around his waist. He closed his eyes again it disgust, he was even intruding on his own godfather by breathing. "I could go back to the tower now you know. I'm perfectly fine," he offered, as he had for the last two nights in a row.

"If that's what you want" Sirius said hesitantly, instead of the usual 'its too late now, we'll talk about it in the morning' or the 'don't worry about it. I like having you here.' Surprised, Harry opened his eyes and felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He offered a tight smile and nodded sharply before gathering up his homework

"You don't have too," Remus said quickly as he smelt Harry's despair but Harry just shook his head and waved his hand dismissively and he smiled brightly at the two.

"No, its fine. Ron and Hermione have been asking when I was going back anyway. Could you send my trunk over for me please?" he asked softly. He didn't wait for an answer as he grabbed his wand and stepped as gracefully as he could from the chambers. As soon as the door closed behind him, he shivered and wrapped his robes tighter around himself as if cold. The wolf inside of him seemed to realize what was going on because with each step he took the more violent his trembles became and the colder he felt.

He kept his head high and managed to control the trembles for a minute as he stepped into the Gryffindor tower and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw everyone had already gone to bed. The portrait hole shut behind him and Harry felt as if it was his doom. As soon as it latched, the trembles became even more violent and his stomach turned. Without thinking about it, he dropped his things where they were and ran to the toilet just the other side of the boys dorms, careful not to wake anyone. He clapped his hand over his mouth as he rushed inside and just had time to erect a silencing charm before he threw up all down his robes and over his shoes.

Perhaps his leaving hadn't been a good idea.

But he was intruding.

He emptied his stomach into the toilet again and again until he was just choking up bile and when he was sure he could hold it in for a minute, he removed the silencing charm, moved back into the common room and grabbed his homework before running back through the portrait hole and into the corridors again. He wouldn't spend the night throwing up in the Gryffindor boy's toilets because then the others would know... He hurried to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and only when he was inside did he allow himself to relax.

He fell to his knees besides the toilet in one of the cubicles and rested his head against the cold tile floor before leaning over the toilet bowl again and throwing up violently. He was shaking something terrible and he felt his still tender throat grate as he heaved and heaved and heaved...

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"Siri, do you think we should go and check on Harry?" Remus asked as Sirius trailed kisses down his throat. Sirius stopped instantly and looked up at him

"Why?" he asked and Remus sighed before shrugging

"I don't think he was ready to leave. I think he was just saying that because he felt like we had had enough of him and wanted some privacy. I'm worried about him, he was lost in his thoughts earlier and I smelt despair and pain so vivid that I could easily believe it was my own. I think he is still scared and I think the wolf inside him is just as much so as he is..." he replied quietly. Sirius studied him for a minute and then sat back, deep in thought. He worried his bottom lip and then sighed

"I want to go and check on him. I wanted him to stay here, I liked having him around you know? But I thought, when he kept asking, that he wanted to go back, I thought he had had enough of us. If we go now though and bring him back, even if you are right, then he might think we don't trust him or think well enough of him to take care of himself" he said eventually and Remus nodded and then pulled Sirius back towards him, kissing him gently

"I think we should wait until tomorrow and see how he is then. If he looks ill or tired then we'll bring him back" Sirius nodded and melted against the werewolf's mouth, parting his lips to the questing tongue. He reached out his hands to the clasps of Remus's robes and started to undo them with nimble fingers, never breaking away from the kiss as he did so. He crawled forward and pushed Remus onto his back as he eventually came up for air and trailed chaste kisses across his lovers jaw and down his neck. His hands slipped into his lovers trousers and he gently stroked the erection his fingers met before pulling back altogether with a heavy sigh

"I don't feel right doing this when Harry could be out there and scared," he said and Remus nodded his agreement.

"Lets just go to bed and then we'll find him in the morning" he suggested. Sirius nodded and stood up but then hesitated and looked to the door. He worried his bottom lip before sighing and taking his lovers hand and leading the way to the bedroom.

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Harry flinched openly as the sunlight shone through the bathroom window and reached him. It was sunrise and he had been up all night emptying his stomach and just about everything else at the same time. He had never felt so weak and pathetic before, not even the days before the first transformation. His hands were still shaking, though whether that was because he was away from everyone or because he was so weak, he had no idea. He knew he needed to get back to Gryffindor tower and slip under the covers before the others woke so that nobody realized where he was or what was wrong.

One thing was for certain though; his night of complete and utter misery had settled his thoughts on what he was going to do. He had even had time to plan as he flushed his now useless homework down the toilet, not caring if it blocked the drains. He was irritated to hell considering he had spent two days working on that assignment only to throw up all over it. He scrubbed at his cheek as a single tear fell and he felt the sheer force of loneliness well up in him again

"Get over it. We are alone and we always will be. You, wolf, have made my life a living hell" he muttered to himself and groaned as Moaning Myrtle flew up behind him. He had been lucky enough in that she had stayed away from him all night, seemed his day was already starting off bad.

"Oh, its you Harry! I heard you in there all night, are you ill? Are you going to die? You never came and visited me like you promised, but that's ok. I forgive you now. Will you be sharing my cubicle when you die?" she screeched, floating from side to side

"Yes I am ill, yes I am going to die, I was too busy to visit, thanks for being so merciful and no I wont share your cubicle" he muttered bitterly and cringed as his throat burning. It seemed he had managed to tear it again with all his heaving. "Why do only some people become ghosts Myrtle?" he asked suddenly and she stopped floating about just to stare at him for a minute.

"Nobody's ever asked me that before. I'm not supposed to tell but I'll tell you Harry. If the persons last thought before they die is that they want revenge then they get brought back as a ghost. I'm not sure whether the gods do it to allow us to get our revenge or to punish us for thinking such things..." as she went on babbling, Harry breathed a huge sigh of relief, he didn't want revenge against anyone so he shouldn't be tortured with the whole ghost thing, he had been worried for a minute there...

"Thanks Myrtle, you've made my day with that" he said and smiled at her. Myrtle squealed again before giggling to herself. "Can you promise you wont tell anyone I was here? And I promise to come visit you again?" he asked as kindly as he could. The ghost nodded her head without thought and opened her mouth to speak but Harry snuck out before she could.

Harry was more than a little relieved when he didn't come across anyone in the hallway and he gave the password to the fat lady before he slipped silently inside the common room. He breathed again when he saw nobody was up yet and he quickly hurried up to the boy's dorm, discarded his robes at the bottom of the trunk and dove under the covers. He then stared up at the ceiling and tried to calm his stomach and his trembling.

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Only when Ron groaned and put one foot on the floor did Harry make himself known that morning. He told Ron he had come back late last night and then he showered, put a concealment charm over himself to hide the pale pasty skin and the circles under his eyes and then went down to breakfast. He picked at the food and slipped most of it onto his napkin under the table so that nobody noticed and then banished it before going to his lessons.

He dragged himself from class to class and forced himself to stay alert and awake. He knew he couldn't risk anyone finding out that he was ill again, they would just overreact and pretend to care, he couldn't take that anymore. As dinner came and went, Harry dragged himself to the last lesson of the day, Potions.

That lesson was perhaps just as much hell as any other. Snape was watching him intently and didn't make a secret about it. His voice washed over Harry and made him painfully hard and his stomach started to turn again at the very thought. When the Potions Master set a hand on Harry's shoulder, instead of calming him, it set him off trembling again, which Snape didn't miss. He sent confused looks over at Harry but he just tried to ignore that, it seemed his wolf had finally agreed that they were alone and in this together.

"Class dismissed. Harry stay please" Snape called and Harry bit back a groan but he cleared away his things and made his way to the front desk, watching as the last of the students disappeared before Snape pushed a goblet towards him. "What's wrong Harry? What are you hiding and why?" the Potions Master asked sadly and Harry looked away but didn't answer

"I'm fine professor. Just nervous" he said after a minute's silence. He took the goblet and threw the contents down his throat before swallowing hard and was about to leave before he felt fingers curl around his wrist. Snape tugged him closer and Harry was too weak to put up any resistance, he flew into the man's chest and looked up with wide eyes. His professor stared down at him and his eyes flickered to the man's lips. Without even thinking about what he was doing and with a little push from what Harry had dubbed the wolf, he tilted his head up further until their lips met.

Snape's lips parted in a groan and before Harry could stop himself, he deepened the kiss and explored the man's mouth, surprised when Snape kissed him back. He closed his eyes and melted against the Potion Master's lean body as the elder man took over control of the kiss and then the man pulled back sharply and stared at him in shock, panting for breath. Harry stared at him in horror and he stuttered to try and explain himself. Great, now he had just gone and made Snape hate him too...

"I- I'm sorry! I don't know – I don't – I'm sorry" Harry chocked before he turned on his heal and ran from the room, his hand over his mouth as he headed for Moaning Myrtles bathroom once again.