In the eye of the wolf

Written by Becca

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. So basically, I own nothing and JK owns it all

Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts late with many secrets. His friends seem to have gone their separate ways and he finds he can only find the peace he needs in his own mind. He becomes withdrawn and depressed; will he allow anyone to break through the ice he has wrapped around his own heart? Will he find love and learn to shoulder his burden with a straight face or will he sink further into the darkness until he is lost.

Author Notes: I know I left this is a really awful place but I really couldn't resist it. I hope you like this chapter and I thought I had better warn you that it involves a slightly darker topic; suicide. I'll try and get the next chapter up as soon as I can but I very much doubt it will be today... Or tomorrow. Well, it may be. Sorry again for the cliffy but thanks for the reviews –grins-

Chapter Eight

The next few days followed in a similar pattern. Harry would sneak out of the Gryffindor tower when everyone had gone to bed and then he would spend the night in the toilets before returning and jumping under his covers before anyone woke. He avoided Snape at all times and was the last to enter the classroom and the first to leave, even if he was asked to stay. His potion appeared in his goblet at dinner and then ended up down the drain when he threw it up... He really should tell somebody about that, especially if they were going to try and be in the same room as him...

His body was constantly trembling and he was hardly strong enough to lift one foot after the over. That very night was the full moon and Harry had (luckily or not) been excused from his lessons for the day. He spent the time in Moaning Myrtle's toilet and when he wasn't throwing up blood and bile, he was talking to the ghost about when things started to go wrong. His throat was perhaps even worse than last month and instead of talking to his friends or family, he mostly wore the same smile day in and day out and nodded when they spoke to him.

He wondered briefly whether it was better to eat and throw that up again than just keep heaving and tearing at his throat and stomach. But the thought of forcing food down his throat now was inconceivable. He mostly listened to Myrtle as she told him of her own school years and how she was bullied terribly; he had nothing better to do and even pitied her for it. He knew what it was like to be bullied and for the whole school to turn their backs on you. He could even say that she was his closest friend now... Had he really sunk that low?

He shook his head and sighed, tomorrow night he would be free from all of this. Tomorrow, he had everything planned and he wouldn't have to worry about a thing... There was no chance he would survive. He just preyed that Myrtle was right in what she said about ghosts because he knew that that would be the ultimate torture for him. He wouldn't if that was why peeves was a bastard, was he regretful of what happened to him? Did he cause problems for the living simply because he envied them and wanted to forget his own thoughts? Hell, did a ghost even think?

"... I knew the boy who killed me of course. I had seen him once or twice in passing and he was in one of the higher years in Slytherin. He had been kind to me once when I was alive, he had asked me if I wanted power and if I wanted to be respected after he stopped some other Slytherins from bullying me. I said I'd think about it and then Olive came and tormented me and I came here and then I died. He was awful mean to me when I died though, he just laughed and put a spell on me so that I couldn't speak his name to anyone who didn't know for sure that it was he" Myrtle's voice cracked through his thoughts and Harry nodded distractedly as he leant over the toilet, fighting for breath and trying desperately to stop the clenching of his stomach.

"Dumbledore's been to offer to let me leave here plenty of times but I never wanted to before. The ghosts were all mean to me and I still wasn't happy about being dead. I'm happy now though Harry, now that you come to visit. Maybe I'll accept when the old man comes again and we can see each other more often. Would you like that Harry? I know I would," she said again and Harry sighed, he nodded with a gentle smile on his face. He wouldn't be here when she was released... Thank Merlin.

He would do it now, save himself from the suffering tonight, but he didn't know if he had enough time before people came looking for him. If they were to find him before he was dead then... He shuddered to think. He should have done it last night when he wasn't throwing up so violently. It was the end of November now and Harry couldn't help but snort in amusement when he calculated that the next full moon was on Christmas Eve. He spared a minute in sympathy for Remus, that was no way to spend your Christmas... At least he wouldn't be here.

He winced as he remembered the kiss he had shared with Snape. It had been so beautiful and for a small moment, Harry had felt complete. He hated to think what the Potions Master thought of him now. Did he hate him? Was he disgusted? Probably. Severus Snape was so beautiful and Harry was... Well, Harry. He shook his head to rid himself of that line of thought once again and sighed when it wouldn't shrug off. Why did he feel so strongly for Snape now when they had only just become somewhat friends? Why did he have to ruin everything?

He sighed and dragged himself to his feet. Classes would be finished soon and he had to make sure he was in bed before Ron and Hermione came back to check on him. He said his farewells to Myrtle and smiled slightly when she wished him luck and asked once more if she could join him. He shrugged it off and slipped the invisibility cloak over his shoulders and then he stuck his head out of the toilets and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw no one. He could hear the teachers speaking in the classrooms as he walked and he quickened his pace when he heard McGonagall telling everyone to pack up.

His stomach churned again as he slipped into the Gryffindor common room and hurried under the stairs. He had enough time to put his invisibility cloak away, take off his robes and slip under the covers before he threw up in a large bowl that he had asked Dobby for. He knew the house elf would inform Remus or Dumbledore but he also knew it was normal for a werewolf to empty his stomach on the last day before the moon.

No sooner had he managed to lift his head for air than the dorm doors opened and both Ron and Hermione hurried on.

"Oh Harry" Hermione whispered as she moved to sit besides him and stoke his back. Harry closed his eyes and mused lightly about how believable she was. He didn't bother to argue with the thought that perhaps she really did care, as did the others, because he didn't want that to be true. It was too late now, he had his mind made up and he didn't want anything like love, or care, to disrupt that. He was going to die tomorrow night and nothing was going to stop him.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," he said hoarsely after a minute, wincing as he once again felt the razors on his throat. His friends noticed and exchanged looks over his head but he pointedly ignored it and turned his head sharply to throw up in the bowl again, dry heaving and coughing up blood. Well, that certainly pointed out the lie in his words like nothing else could. He shook his head ruefully and closed his eyes again, not bothering to lift his head from where it rested over the bowl.

He allowed himself to look forward to the next night, allowed himself to feel happy and elated again at the thought of it. With his eyes closed, he blissfully pictured it in his mind, in the exact order it was going to happen. No, there was no way he could survive. There was an estimated eight minutes before his eyes would close for the last time, once started. No one would find him in that amount of time, even if they did suspect anything. He snorted to himself when he realised he was as excited as a child who was going to Disney Land would be.

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He rose shakily from bed when the time came and thought bitterly that his teachers didn't even trust himself to go by himself, probably in case he locked himself in again. That thought had occurred to him but it had been rather forcefully blown away when Dumbledore, Lupin, Black and Snape turned up in his dormitory. And really, if they didn't want anyone to know what he was, then why the hell did they turn up where everyone could see them in the afternoon when there was a full moon that night? It was stupid! But, as if reading his thoughts, Re- no Lupin placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled.

"We came under invisibility charms and we will leave under them too. No one will see us, do not worry" he said and Harry smiled tightly as he wrapped his robes around his shoulders and pointedly ignored Snape.

"I hear you've been ill again. Have you managed to keep the wolfbane down?" Snape asked and Harry stared down at his hands. That was not concern he heard in his voice, it wasn't, he didn't want to think about that.

"I don't know, I don't think so" he replied wearily. Perhaps that would make them leave him alone.

"That's ok. A werewolf doesn't harm other animals anyway," Sirius said soothingly and Harry fought off the urge to wince. It was BLACK not Sirius, he couldn't afford to believe people cared for him and he bloody wouldn't! He tried to shrug off the hands as both the Headmaster and the Potions Master gripped his elbow's to help him move but he was too weak and all he could do was lift his shoulder.

"I'm fine" he muttered feebly and wasn't in the least surprised when his teachers didn't even bother to contradict him. He allowed himself to be led towards the shrieking shack and Sirius prodded the knot on the trunk whilst Dumbledore helped Harry crawl through. When they reached the room Harry had been in last time, Harry moved to the corner and crouched down without so much as a word. He closed his eyes and rested his chin on his knee whilst trying to control the trembles he received when the others so much as touched him now.

Remus and Sirius entered the room as well and Snape paused, opened his mouth to say something before he shook his head and followed Dumbledore out. The door was locked and Harry stood briefly, took out his wand and sealed off the door again before he returned to his place in the corner. Ignoring the looks he was receiving from Siri- Black and Lupin. He closed his eyes and pictured in his mind what he would be doing tomorrow, if just to relieve his heart.

"Harry..." Sirius started eventually but then paused and watched as Harry tensed rigid and fell to the floor. Sirius moved to go to him but Remus frowned and shook his head forcefully

"Change Sirius, we don't know how much of his mind he will have" he whispered

"But-"

"Change. Sirius"

Without another word, Sirius turned into Padfoot and stood whining in the corner of the room as Remus transformed smoothly. His face clouded with pain but he let out no noise. The werewolf padded over to Sirius and sat besides him, both of them turned to watch Harry's slow transformation.

Harry himself soon forgot there were others in the room as the pain plagued him completely. He gritted his teeth together and fell down to the floor, remembering to straighten out his legs at the same time. The transformation was just as slow, if not slower than the previous one and the screams burst from Harry's lips before he could stop them. They turned into howls half way through as his face lengthened and then shortened again what felt like twenty times.

His spine snapped in three places and moulded into the right shape for the wolf. Harry managed to swallow his next scream and instead bit his lip, not noticing or caring, when he bit right through it. It felt like hours before the transformation was finally complete and he lay panting in the corner of the room. A movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he looked up swiftly. Immediately Harry felt himself being pushed into his mind and it was like watching through a screen as the wolf forcibly took over control and stared eerily over at Moony and Padfoot.

Harry watched with a sinking feeling as the wolf climbed to its feet and then half staggered, half prowled over to the other animals. Both Moony and Padfoot stood completely still and Harry sniffed Sirius and walked around him completely before he moved on to Moony. He growled and bared his teeth to the bigger wolf and then shot forward fast and attempted to bite him.

Moony moved out of the way and growled back, standing as if ready to attack at any minute and Harry snarled before shooting towards him again, his paw caught Moony's mouth and scratched deeply, bringing up blood. They fought together for a minute, rolling around before Moony's teeth sank into his neck. Harry's wolf yelped and then whined and Moony let go and took a step back, his amber eyes glowing into Harry's. It seemed Harry's wolf had accepted that Moony was the stronger of the two and therefore the dominant of the pack.

'No, we have no pack, we're in this together' Harry whispered to himself from where he was 'trapped' the wolf's ears perked up at that and then without another word of warning, it went to attack both Remus and Sirius again.

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Harry awoke as the sun touched his face and he shifted and lifted his head off the floor as much as he could. More than a little relieved to find out he had already turned back, Harry looked over to see Remus and Sirius both asleep and lying down with cuts on them. Swallowing hard, Harry checked Sirius over for any bites and only breathed again when he found none, he felt a strong urge to attack them now and forced it back, just because he didn't want them in his 'pack' didn't mean he wanted them hurt, why couldn't the stupid wolf understand that? Why did it want to harm them?

He shifted again and managed to push himself onto his hands and knees, jaw clenched as pain spread through him like fire. He lifted a hand to his neck when he felt something wet and when he brought it back in front of his eyes, he winced when he saw blood. Remus and Sirius didn't seem that hurt, just shallow cuts and bruises but he was feeling light headed from lack of blood and he ached everywhere... He was sure one of his ribs was broken. He couldn't remember much of what had happened the night before, but why would Moony and Padfoot want to hurt him? He remembered attacking them first, he remembered the wolf backing down and then everything went black. Was this their way of proving how much they cared?

Snorting to himself, Harry grabbed what was left of his robes and wrapped them tightly around him. He forced himself onto his feet and tried to bite his lip to stop the groan of pain from leaving him only to find his bottom lip was swollen and had dry blood all over it. He shook his head and looked down at his godfather and Lupin, why did they hurt him so much? Was this their way of punishing him like Dursley did...Waiting until he was a wolf and exhausted first? He wished he could remember if just to rid himself of these doubts. A part of him wondered why they would ever want to hurt him, they loved and cared for him and that part of him was sure he or the wolf had done something to deserve it. Another part of him, a snide voice in the back of his head, insisted that he did nothing wrong and that they just used this opportunity to hurt and punish him, just like the Dursleys.

He took out his wand and unsealed the door before pausing again, he should wake them up or they would think there was something wrong... Or punish him again, as that snide voice pointed out gleefully. Harry swallowed hard and pulled open the door before closing his eyes

"Professor Lupin, Black. Its time to wake up" he called loudly. He waited until he heard them both shift and sit up before he walked out of the room and out of the Shack. When he was outside, he fixed his robes with a wave of his wand and checked they were fine before pulling up a concealment charm to hide all of his injuries; he didn't want to spend the day in the hospital wings. He had better things to do.

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"Sirius? Wake up Sirius. Harry's gone" Remus called as he shook his lover awake. Immediately Sirius wiped the sleep from his eyes and he sat up and frowned

"Did he just call me Professor Black?" was the first thing he said and Remus nodded sadly

"He called me Professor Lupin too. I don't understand... I know we hurt him last night, but we had too. He didn't have his mind and he attacked us..." he said wearily as he rubbed a hand over his face. Sirius sighed and looked out of the door with a frown

"He should remember. You remembered most things when you didn't have the potions at school. The only things you forgot was when you found an animal and allowed the wolf to take total control... So it can't be that. Have we done anything else to upset him?"

"Remus? Sirius? Where's Harry?" Remus looked up startled and then smiled slightly when he saw Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey and Snape. He remembered when he was at school, how Dumbledore always insisted on collecting him in the morning with the Medi-witch in case he was injured and he smiled again. His smile faded when his thoughts returned to Harry and he sighed

"I don't know. He just woke us up and then went" he replied

"And he called us professor Black and Lupin..." Sirius added after a minute's silence. Dumbledore frowned and looked from one to the other

"What happened last night then?"

"He had no control apparently, the wolfsbane either had no effect or there was none left in his system. He attacked me first and I bit him, you know what werewolves are like, they have to establish the dominant one of the pack. I thought I had done that; Harry's wolf backed down and lowered its head, a sign of submission. I backed away and then he attacked us again" Remus replied and then shook his head "I don't understand why though, the wolf had obviously accepted Sirius and I into his pack after the first transformation when he wouldn't relax until we were there. After his show of submission last night, he should have... Unless Harry thought or said something to him... But why would Harry tell him not to accept us?"

"I believe I can answer that," Dumbledore said thoughtfully after a minute "I went to visit the ghost Myrtle in the girls bathroom again last night to ask, as I do every year, if she is ready to leave the place of her death yet. When her answer changed and was yes this time, I was surprised and asked what changed her mind. She said she had had a visitor over the last few days who 'helped her accept her death and convince her that there were better things she could do than haunting toilets' I asked who and she refused to tell me" he paused again and his eyes twinkled slightly

"I performed the 'Verum in Mors' Truth in Death charm. She informed me, unwillingly, that Harry has been in there since the night you two released him. She says he goes when everyone's in bed, spends the night throwing up blood and bile, talks to her and then goes back to bed before anyone wakes. She says he is planning something but she refused adamantly to reveal what it was, even under the charm. She says he's always shaking and trembling and she has caught him muttering words like 'alone' 'stupid' and 'imposing' other than that she could tell me no more"

"So. What you mean to say is, Harry left their rooms because he felt like he wasn't welcome even though he still couldn't bear to be away from any of us for that length of time and so that's why he has been continually trembling for the past three days, that's why he looks scared and flinches away from any of our touch. He believes himself to be alone and unwanted and now he's out there... Alone!" Severus snapped. He turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder

"Come now Severus, it isn't that bad, he knows we are here for him and he knows we love and care for him..." Dumbledore said sternly and Severus refrained from rolling his eyes

"Albus, this is the mind of an insecure wolf we are talking about. Right now I bet he's thinking that we were pretending to care because we think he's going to defeat Voldemort. He has no confidence in himself and I am worried!" he burst out, ignoring what he had just admitted for a minute. He watched as Dumbledore's twinkle dimmed slightly and his eyes opened wider then without another word, he turned and hurried out of the shack.

"Severus" Remus called, hurrying to catch up with him as they walked across the grounds. The potions master nodded once to say that he was listening and Remus smiled "When are you going to realize that you are Harry's mate? Why have you been avoiding him?" he asked and then frowned when Severus stopped dead and stared at him in horror

"His mate?" he whispered and when Remus nodded he paled drastically "Remus. He kissed me and ran out before I could reassure him. He thinks I have rejected him and he has been avoiding me since then. I haven't had a chance to speak with him..."

"But... If a wolf believes he has been rejected by his mate, he can go slowly insane..." Remus choked and Severus nodded. Without another word the two of them ran up to the castle.

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Harry sank back in 'his' cubicle in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. He was more than a little surprised to find she wasn't here (and relieved) as he decided that he couldn't wait until this evening for his plan to work. It only took around eight minutes anyway and no one would realize where he was in that amount of time even if they did realize he was missing. He had everything ready and set out before him and he studied them closely, some of which he had had to acquire by owl order.

There were two balls of pure silver, a sharp knife and some muggle masking tape. The silver balls were originally used for herbs. It is said that if you bury silver beneath the roots of some particular plant, then the potency would become that much sharper in the potions. He couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his lips as he felt the wolf inside him stir and almost fidget at the sight of the silver. This would work, it would hurt like hell but it would work.

He took a deep breath and then picked up the knife. It had a silver blade and a plastic handle. He hesitated only slightly before he dug the silver into his wrist and cut all the way up to his elbow. With shaking hands, he quickly repeated this for the other arm and then grabbed a silver ball tightly, his hands instantly tried to let go as the silver burned into his skin but he wouldn't let it. He grabbed the tape and very quickly and sloppily wrapped it around his hand so that even if he flexed his fingers, the balls wouldn't move. He repeated it for the other hand and then sank back against the wall and breathed again.

His jaw clenched as the pain spread through him and he watched almost lazily as his blood poured from the deep cuts were the skin had been burnt away and split open easily. As the seconds trickled by, it felt like hours and very slowly he felt his strength drain from his. His eyes fluttered closed and he didn't even bother to fight it...

Not long now.