In the eye of the wolf
Written by Becca
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. So basically, I own nothing and JK owns it all
Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts late with many secrets. His friends seem to have gone their separate ways and he finds he can only find the peace he needs in his own mind. He becomes withdrawn and depressed; will he allow anyone to break through the ice he has wrapped around his own heart? Will he find love and learn to shoulder his burden with a straight face or will he sink further into the darkness until he is lost. Whinging
Chapter Ten
Albus sighed as he sank further back into his chair. It had been two full weeks since they had found Harry in the bathroom and they had just managed to stabilize him. Since then he has been unconscious and has woke only once long enough to ensure them all that he was still alive before he sank back into the darkness. Albus had been in the hospital wing near enough every single day since then and Severus only left for his lessons, preferring to sleep in the chair besides Harry's bed whilst holding his hand.
Molly Weasley had been popping in and out of Hogwarts every day to see if he was awake and Harry's four friends, Ron, Hermione, Draco and Ginny snuck down to the infirmary every single night to speak to their unconscious friend as if he was awake and listening. Albus smiled slightly as he recalled the first night he had caught them and saw the surprised look on their faces as he instructed them not to allow Poppy to find them or she would ban them from the room.
Sirius and Remus were just as worried as Albus and Severus were and it was clear to most of the student population that something had happened to Harry. Once again the solemn silence of respect for the boy-who-lived filled the Great Hall at meal times but nobody besides the teachers and Harry's friends knew exactly what had happened. The ministry had been informed that he was ill, recovering still from the repercussions of the Dursleys and the trial for the muggles had been set back as Harry was required to give evidence.
Albus wasn't a fool. He knew that Harry's surviving was just as much a miracle as his surviving the killing curse and he knew that it wouldn't have been possible if the boy hadn't of fought at the end. The fact that he had though was a huge relief to the headmaster; it meant that Harry wouldn't try something like this again for at least a while and that he was beginning to regret his decision. Even so, that still didn't stop him from placing a charm over Harry that would alert him if the boy were in danger.
The poison had entered his blood stream and by all rights, Harry should not be breathing now but he was. No one was quite sure what this would mean once he awoke but it proved to be interesting. Soon Albus would have to start thinking about the best thing to do if Harry had still not awoke by the time of the next full moon but for now, he brushed off that concern and just looked down at the boy.
He couldn't understand Harry's lack of confidence in himself, be it in looks or personality. What was it exactly that the boy saw when he looked in the mirror? Because it certainly couldn't be the handsome young man that everybody else could see. He shook his head with a rueful smile as he watched Severus and listened to the Potion Masters soft voice as he spoke to the young unconscious werewolf.
---------
Harry clung to the darkness as if it was a sheet and wrapped it around himself. He was well aware that he was beginning to wake, he could feel the tugging that pulled at his core and wasn't sure whether he wanted to face the consequences of his actions. He had made his decision and he had fought to remain alive, right now he believed that to have been one of the most foolish decisions of his life. He did not want to return to the land of the living so to speak, he could no longer put up with the pain and loneliness in both his body and his soul... But he had chosen and now he would not back down on that, at least not for a while anyway. He would need to stay and try to find the reasons he had opted to remain and see if they were worth the pain he would suffer...
He knew that little could have changed his mind unless it was something really important
He just didn't have a clue what that something was.
He heard the silky baritone voice of someone familiar and then the day in the bathroom flashed before his eyes. He saw Snape, Dumbledore, Lupin, Black, Mrs. Weasley... All he had ever cared about practically had been in the room with him and Snape... Snape had declared love to him. Harry screwed his eyes shut painfully, he was sure the man had just said those things to get him to fight, he was sure the man could never love him.
"Poppy! He moved! He's waking!"
That voice sounded so familiar and Harry pondered on who it could be for a minute before he noticed the tight grips on his hands and that, along with the concern he had heard in that voice stunned him beyond belief. They cared for him, he couldn't figure out who yet but at least two people in this forsaken world cared for him deeply. He felt a third hand pressed against his chest and with great effort, he peeled one eye open and blinked under the sudden assault of light.
His breath caught in his throat when he saw one of the two was Severus and he was pale and trembling. The Potions Master looking more open now than he had ever before as the worry, love, and relief at his awakening shone brightly in those usually dark eyes. He turned his head to the other side and wasn't surprised to see Dumbledore, what he was surprised about though was the completely unguarded expression that matched Severus's on the old man's face. The worry and – was that tears?- in his eyes. Instantly, warmth and gratitude for them spread through him before the guilt rose in his throat... He had done this; he had caused so much pain to them...
"I- I'm sorry" he whispered painfully, his voice barely audible and he winced at the pain in his throat. A goblet was pressed gently against his lips as a hand slipped around the back of his head and lifted it ever so slightly. He smiled as much as he could gratefully before swallowing small bits of water, relieving his throat. He let his head settle back against the pillow and let his eyes flutter shut again. Lips were pressed to his cheek and he tensed before he heard a whispered voice in his ear
"I love you"
---------
Harry woke again with a start; he tried to sit up and then winced as his muscles screamed in protest. A hand was stroking his hair back and whispering encouraging words as he trembled; unable to see anything in the darkness having woke from a bad dream of memories. He heard hushed voices besides him but when he looked he couldn't see anything and he started to hyperventilate
"Light" he gasped out, ignoring the explosion of pain this one simple word caused his head as best he could. It seemed he was heard though because the next minute a blinding light filled his eyes and he blinked over and over again and relaxed slightly when he saw Severus was besides him, trying to comfort him. Seeing the Potions Master here now, in what was obviously the middle of the night surprised Harry just as much as it did to see the pain in the mans eyes.
"Love you...so sorry" Harry whispered painfully though he wasn't sure whether he was apologising for loving him or for hurting him. Snape's fingers that were running through his hair soothingly never stopped and Harry's breath caught in his throat as he saw a small smile pull at the corners of the man's lips.
"Its ok. I love you too, don't be sorry, I love you too." Severus said softly and Harry smiled as much as he could, unable to convey the warmth of feeling that one sentence gave him. The truth in the Potions Masters voice led Harry to believe that the older man truly did believe he loved him. He tried not to get his hopes up though because he knew there were rules against student/teacher relationships. As if reading his mind, Severus moved to placate him. "Its ok Harry, I love you too and it's ok. We are mates and the rules don't apply where mates are concerned. Its ok"
Harry heard a gasp to his right and turned sharply. He saw Dumbledore fast asleep in the other chair besides his bed and after studying him closely; Harry was convinced it wasn't he who had made the noise. Unable to see anyone else in the room, Harry started to panic, he looked left and right and gripped on to Snape's hand
"Who's there? Who made that noise? Professor there's someone here" he croaked, fear in his eyes. He jumped when Ron and Hermione appeared besides him, having ripped the invisibility cloak off them as soon as they saw Harry's fear. Hermione moved to his side and picked up his free hand gently.
"Sorry Harry, we didn't mean to scare you... We were worried... We had to see you... Sorry" Harry relaxed instantly upon hearing her voice and he studied his two friends carefully. Both of them had skin almost as pale as Harry thought his would be. Their eyes were bloodshot and black and purple bags lined them. His heart went out to them as he saw their pain clearly masking their features and the guilt in him rose again. How could he be so stupid as to think nobody cared? He flinched as a Potions phial was pressed to his lips and then without hesitation, swallowed what he was offered.
He breathed a sigh of relief as the pain in his head, throat and muscles subsided somewhat and with help, was able to sit up. As soon as he shifted, the headmaster sat up wide-awake and just stared at him for a minute, unsure whether to believe his eyes or whether he was dreaming again. Harry lowered his eyes and shifted uncomfortably under the intense gaze but jumped when arms wrapped tightly around him.
"You're awake" Harry winced slightly as the Headmaster pulled him into his arms until he was once again near enough sat on his knee.
"Are – are you angry with me?" Harry whispered fearfully and Dumbledore tightened his grip slightly before shaking his head.
"No. The time of being angry has long since passed Harry. Even then none of us were angry with you but with ourselves for not noticing what you were going through" he replied seriously and then tilted Harry's chin back until their eyes met. "Promise me you wont do that again Harry... Promise me you wont leave us"
---------
The next time Harry awoke, he found that he was alone with a sleeping Severus Snape sat in the chair besides him. The light shone through the window so he at least had some idea of what time it was. He could hear nothing but the breathing of his...mate? And he looked over at him carefully, studying him. Severus had said twice now that they were mates, that they were meant to be together and Harry had only read up on a few things concerning werewolves and their mates. Sirius was Remus's... That much was obvious to Harry even if they had never said as much in words.
He wondered how he felt about this, once again his future was mapped out for him and his fate decided. Could he not even choice who he wanted to love? But, saying that he had felt attraction towards the potions master before, Severus was beautiful, intelligent, witty and strong... Everything Harry would ever need or want. Perhaps this once he should not be bitter with his life, perhaps, if what Severus had said was true, perhaps this was his reward for what he must endure... Perhaps it would be worth living after all.
He sighed and looked down at his hands, visibly flinching at the large circular scar that was in the middle of both palms. He gently ran a finger down one of them and cringed at the feel, his skin was awfully tender and it looked revolting. He let his eyes trail up from wrist to elbow, following the path of the large marring scar that ran up the length of both arms. When he had done this, he hadn't once considered the consequences should it not succeed and now here he was and would have to look at the reminder every single day for the rest of his life.
Harry looked up when he heard the door open and was both tense and relieved when he saw it was Remus and Sirius. His mind flashed back to the injuries he had received after the last transformation and he once again tried to remember what had happened when everything went black. He bit his lip and turned away from them slightly, flinching openly when Remus lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Harry..." Sirius whispered in confusion. He sat down gently on the bed besides his godson and studied him carefully. "We missed you so much Harry, we're so glad you're awake... We are not angry with you," he said, thinking that that was it. Remus hesitated and then stepped closer and took Harry's hand in his own, not letting him pull away.
"You fear us. You fear us both. Why is that?" the werewolf asked as he smelt the confusion of emotions that swam around inside Harry. Harry tried to look down but was unable to do so when Remus grabbed his chin gently. "What do you remember of that night Harry? We must know so that we can fill in any blanks. Please? We will never hurt you Harry..." Harry studied them both for a minute, smelling and seeing the despair and pain they felt at this discovery and he bit his lip... Perhaps he had acted too rashly, they wouldn't hurt him unless they had too... Would they?
"I – I remember the transformation, and then the wolf walked up to Siri and smelt him and then he came to you and I attacked you" he paused for a minute and swallowed hard as Remus nodded for him to continue. "You fought back, defending yourself and bit me on the neck. The wolf cowered and then all went black" he said seriously. Remus nodded and sat down
"Before I tell you, do you remember thinking or saying anything to the wolf before it went black?" he asked gently.
'No, we have no pack, we're in this together' the thought echoed throughout Harry's mind as he remembered and he nodded softly, lowering his eyes. "I – the wolf was happy... He had his pack with him and was ecstatic when he was accepted by you, he recognised you as the dominant and lowered his head... I- I told him we have no pack, that we're alone. That's the last thing I remember... I thought perhaps we had fallen unconscious" he replied quietly.
"...And then you wake up, see both Sirius and I nearly unharmed and you badly injured, you thought back to the Dursleys and compared them to us, you thought we had punished you" Remus filled in for him and Harry didn't reply, lowering his head again. "The wolf didn't fall unconscious Harry, you did," he said after a minute and Harry snapped his head up in confusion
"How...?"
"After saying that, the wolf sensed your pain regarding us, sensed your belief that we had betrayed you and left you. He took complete control. When a wolf takes control completely the 'person' is forced so far back out of his own mind that he cannot see nor remember what has happened. It was like that for me before the wolfbane potion every time I went hunting or was attacked by an animal in the forest. You were pushed away and the wolf took over and tried to kill us. Harry we had no choice but to fight back, you were not in your right mind and your wolf is exceptionally strong..."
"So you didn't... You don't hate me?" Harry whispered, he could smell no lie coming from the other wolf or Sirius as he nodded and hope replaced his fear
"No Harry, we love you" Sirius said firmly. Without care for his protesting body, Harry threw himself at the two men, hugging them tightly and not bothering to stop his tears as he killed them both on the cheek over and over again.
"I thought – I thought I'd lost you," he whispered as he finally managed to calm himself down. Sirius and Remus both grinned and shook their heads at him and when Harry looked up to see if Severus was still asleep, he saw the man watching them with a smile on his face. Harry hesitated and bit his lip but when the man opened his arms invitingly, he clung to him tightly and rested his head on the older man's chest.