It's just a bunch of stuff, flashing in front of me. Just when I think I got a hold of what something is, I lose sight of it and start seeing the next image. It doesn't really matter what it all is, not really. Like the bug says, it's one of the stupid things we do. We just always need to know just where we are, don't we?

I can't tell how much time passes. Is this what it's like to dream within a dream?

I would tell this roach to slow down if I thought he could hear me, but I don't dare move.

-

The next thing I know, we're in front of Tish's house. It doesn't feel right, not because I'm looking at everything from a bug's point of view, it's something else. It's like when I was on painkillers after my knee surgery, but worse. I can't even keep track of what's a dream and what's a hallucination.

Then I see Tish. She's crying silently, at her doorstep. I wish I could feel sorry for her, but at this moment, in between thinking about what's wrong with me and trying not to think with the splitting pain in my head, I know she'll survive.

My new friend's voice is softer now. Just a breezy voice in my head.

"Stay up against the post" it says. "You don't wanna get stepped on."

"Maybe I do." I say, holding my head together.

"Your head? Wish I could help with that, but I can't. Try to ignore it."

"Sure I will. So what's wrong with Tish?"

"It's getting dark soon. They're worried about you. Remember, you're an insect now. So, to them-"

"-I'm missing."

"You see, you're still important to them. This was just one stupid mistake you made, one of many you'll make in your life."

"Just fly me up to her face so she can see I'm alright. I don't want to see her like this."

"Then you'll end up being smashed. When was the last time you looked into a bug's face before killing it? She won't recognize you. It'll be a murder by reflex. Not much you can do in this state."

"What about Tino and Carver?"

"They're out looking for you. Tish is staying behind in case somebody calls."

"What about Thompson? And the angels? And the customers? And Frances's dad?"

"We were just there, buddy. Try to remember."

-

This roach is right. We were there, but it's just an image now, not past or present. It's like a comic book. The story is just there, to be read and re-read at any time. Without any indication of when it actually happened, if it happened at all.

There's Thompson on the blue velvet couch, sleeping soundly with a bloody nose and lip. A bunch of cigarette butts on the floor below him. He wouldn't leave the place, even with the danger of cops showing up, but they didn't. Everything was broken in rage, probably by an angry father, but maybe by Thompson too.

Everyone else was gone. Gone back to their terrible, but stable lives. No way will they ever mention this to anyone. Better to pretend it never happened. Even Thompson will heal and he'll forget about this.

Everything is back to how it was. Except for me, there's no going back for me. I can't even wake up from all this. Once I do wake up, I wont ever heal.

But the bug says, sure I will.

-

Dot went back to giving it away for free. Marie went back to her life of nothing. And Nona, well, the bug thinks I should go see for myself. So we go.

"Why are we here, bug?" I say.

"You have to see this." it says.

"Are you ever gonna tell me why?"

"I told you I don't even know myself. Just focus on waking up, okay?"

"Okay, so what am I looking at?"

"Look at Nona, sitting on that chair in front of the front door. She said she wanted to get away, but is that a bag in her hand?"

"No, it's a gun, so what? Wait a minute. What is she gonna do?"

"Looks like she's waiting for her dad to walk through that door."

"She said she wanted to get away from him!"

"But instead she took what little money was left at Angels Cry, and bought a gun with it. It was her plan all along, as you may have guessed."

"Why do I have to know this. I've accepted my mistakes, okay? I don't need to be seeing this."

"I don't think you have. You still seem to think it was all just a wacky adventure. A chance to try something new. Well, isn't it true."

"Well. Everything was just so boring. It was the same old thing every week. I'd slog through every weekday, hoping the weekend would bring a new adventure. A new lesson learned."

"That's life."

"It doesn't have to be, though. It can be more than that. Right?"

"It sure can, just don't expect to live comfortably. Get used to crying."

"Can we go?"

"Yes."

Nona doesn't move an inch. As we're leaving, she sits there with a hard-boiled look in her eyes. Her hand grips the gun with a sweaty jitter. I know she's going to kill her dad, but there's nothing I can do, except get up close to her and get flattened.

This might be something good to try to remember if I ever wake up. She might really want to kill him. Even if she doesn't I owe her an apology and I want to tell her I care.

But I don't know if I really do.

-

That moment on front of Tish's house is now again. Everything in between is just fluttering roach wings and dizziness. I can't even tell if time has passed because it's just Tish crying and sitting there.

Tino and Carver come walking down the street, from opposite ends, meeting in front of Tish's house. I stand as close as I can to hear what they say.

They've been looking for me for hours, but still, nothing. Of course nothing, they'll never find me all tiny like this.

Tish looks up and sees from their slow walk that they've got nothing. Suddenly Tino falls to his hands and knees and sobs quietly. Nobody makes a move. After a while, Carver says the obvious thing, to not worry because they'll find me, and that he understands how Tino feels.

Then Tino the not so obvious thing. He's in love with me.

I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know if he really is. I'm not even sure this is really happening. I decide to just listen and see how they feel about it instead. But nobody says anything. This is getting old.

Tino babbles on about regretting not saying anything to me earlier, while he still had the chance. And then Carver says he was also in love with me.

"Okay. Now I know this is a dream. No way anything this stupid would really happen." I say.

"But it is." the bug says. "Is it that surprising?"

"It's stupid is what it is. We've been friends for so long, this isn't possible."

"No rational adult would maintain a friendship with someone they like for years. But you're still kids, remember? You don't know how to deal with your feelings. These two boys dealt with theirs by spending time with you without taking a chance. To get what they really want would mean rocking the boat."

"But still. How could they like me in that way?"

"You have more admirers than you might think. Like you, truly beautiful girls are a rare flower in a field of dirt. They're the ones with a perpetual trail of boys left in their wake. You're rare because you are a true individual. But most won't approach girls like you out of fear of what their friends will think. Or even what complete strangers will think. Disgusting isn't it?"

"So..."

"Of course in the case of these two, it's because they don't want to lose you. They would rather live slightly tortured lives as friends and only friends. Oh, look. It's starting."

I wasn't paying attention but now Tino and Carver are pushing each other.

Tino says, "Of course I'm pissed. You know how hard it was being her friend when I really wanted more than that? You say you loved her but you don't care about anyone but yourself."

Carver yells right back at him and it's too much for me. I crouch down and cover my ears. Then I hear the roach's voice.

Why aren't you watching? I thought you wanted to wake up? Here's the truth. So wake up to it.

I look up and they're on the sidewalk, rolling around with their hands at each other's collar. Tish is has her head down. Probably still crying.

A street sweeper is coming and I can feel what happens next. There's the no way Tino or Carver can hear it over their yells. Tino moves out of the way in time. Most of Carver does the same.

Carver's foot get stuck underneath the rotating wire brushes and comes back out in a split second. It happens so fast, everything is pure instinct. This roach may have something going here with this junk about instinct, it really is pure survival, pure existence. Beautiful.

Carver is screaming. I assume it's because of his foot, but no. He's screaming for his torn shoe. Funny. "Oh god, my shoe!"

A drop of blood shoots my way. Of course, when you're an insect, a drop is like a bucketfull.

I dodge it in time, it lands in front of me in a bright red dome, surrounded by smaller domes. The sight of it makes me sick and I fall. I can't summon enough strength to keep myself up, or even keep myself from tumbling into a small pool of carver's blood.

I black out.

-

All I can hear is Tish crying. What is it with this girl? Crying doesn't solve anything.

I can't see more than a few purple and yellow blurs. When my can focus again, I see Tish, looking down, worried.

I move a bit and Tish looks at me. She's not nearly as big as she was last time I was conscious.

I'm in bed. I knew it. I was dreaming. There's no roach and I'm laying here in bed. In Tish's bed. In Tish's pajamas.

"Lor!" Tish says and lays her hand on mine. "You're awake! Thank god, I was so worried!"

"Tish?" I say. "What am I doing here?"

"My parents found you in front of my house, covered in blood!"

"Huh?"

"We were in the hospital and my parents called, telling me they had found you. By the time I got here, your mom was already here. They though you were hurt, because of all the blood, but you didn't have any injuries, so they didn't take you to the hospital. Your mom cleaned you up and put you in here to rest."

"Why were you in the hospital?"

"Oh. Carver was in an accident. He lost a toe. Tino stayed behind with him."

"Oh God."

"What's wrong?"

"And what about the roach? And the brothel?"

"Maybe you should just keep resting. Save your strength."

"I'm not crazy." I mumbled and drifted back to sleep.

-

It's been weeks since this madness happened.

I haven't heard a word from Dot, Marie, Nona, Frances, the cops, or Thompson. I was relieved that he wasn't seriously hurt, but this whole thing has changed him. As for the rest, I'm guessing it was too painful to remember. As far as I know, Nona didn't shoot her dad.

I went back to the brothel since then. It was all taped off by the police. From what I was able to see, they took all the furniture away, someplace.

Everything seems more or less normal again. Except for the memories. I can't forget all that's happened, no matter how hard I try.

That cockroach. That's what bothers me the most. It seems to real and everything that happened during my time with him really did happen, but none of it makes any sense. All I can do is try not to think about it.

So now, on the surface, it's like it was before. We're hanging out by the beach, eating chili cheese fries. Tish says something smart. Tino says something sarcastic about her. Carver stares at his foot. He can still only wear one shoe because of his lost toe. It'll be weeks before he's whole again. Shoe-wise that is. He'll never have a full foot. As far as we know, his toe was vaporized on impact.

"Carver, you have to get over your toe." Tino says. "Soon you'll be wearing two shoes again and it'll all be like it used to be."

"I guess you're right. I'm going to walk with my head held high."

Carver takes off towards the snack shack, his nose in the air, then stops.

"What's wrong?" I say.

"I. Stepped. On. A disgusting cockroach! Sick! All over my one good shoe! I hate bugs! I wish they'd all just leave this town!"

"Carver." I say firmly. "Shut the hell up."

-

Finally done.

In case you didn't make the leap, this story was supposed to be a symbol for me. I am Lor.

The way that Lor took a chance by doing something unprecedented with her money, is the same way I took a chance by making a ribald story like this. I mirrored that happened in the story with what I though would happen to me. And it worked out more or less the same way (although I didn't get as much hate mail as I thought I would). But I ended up ostracizing some of The Weekenders fanfic community the way Lor ostracized her friends.

Well, mission accomplished. This was an interesting experiment for me, and I guess I'm back to writing a standard fic, although this time, it probably won't be Weekenders.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to review.