Here Without You (Alternating Carter and Abby POV)

Some brief hinting towards self harm. Don't read if you find that subject hard.

A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate

They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I lie here every night while she sleeps next to me. I try and stay away from her; I end up nearly falling out of bed. But there's no way I can let her hug me. Tonight I can't stand it any more and I decide to sleep on the couch in the sitting room.

Throwing an old blanket round my shoulders I realise I can't sleep even if I wanted to because today is Chase's 'birthday'. My son, the little boy who should be sleeping in the other room, was born and died two years ago today. And we struggled on for two years pretending that we loved each other, that we could keep going. We even moved to Georgia to get away from the reminders of our son. But we had built our life on lies and sooner or later it was going to crash down around us. Personally, I'm surprised we lasted this long.

I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams

And tonight, there's only you and me

I jerk awake, a cold sweat covering my whole body as I scrabble to find my quilt. Somehow its half way across the floor, heaped next to the cabinet. Clambering off the bed, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is half out the band I tied it back with and the marks under my eyes are so dark I look like a raccoon. Picking up the quilt I realise I can't sleep even if I wanted to because today is the first day of the rest of my life. All my stuff is packed in boxes scattered around the modest apartment. I've never been able to sleep in new surroundings, but this time I have more than a new home to think about. So I'm guessing insomnia for a few weeks at least. But if I work hard, maybe I'll be too tired to think when I get home. Here's hoping.

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go

I shake my head as Kem asks if I want to go for a run with her. She frowns but says nothing and I'm so glad. I don't want an argument today; I'd be worried I might say something I would later regret, knowing my temper these last few weeks. Never before in my life have I wished to be further away from another human being, and it's a feeling I don't particularly like.

She comes over and ruffles my hair. I visibly shudder at her touch, where in another woman's presence I would have barely been able to control myself. The gesture is so familiar I can feel that old heat rising in my veins as an image of her flashes before my eyes, but as Kem returns to focus I pull away from her hand and go into the bathroom.

My eyes dance around the sterile looking room, wishing for a coloured towel, a different shampoo bottle arrangement or even a rubber duck to make it look homely. They land on the bathroom cupboard and as I open the doors I know why.

I pull out the pot of elastic bands and pull one onto my wrist. I sit on the edge of the bath and ping it against my skin. It hurts and for a while I feel release but I realise I want to see blood. After checking Kem was finally out, I go to the freezer and find the ice cubes. Prising out a red one I hold it against the skin on my forearm and enjoy the look of the red liquid sliding down my skin and the dull pain I now see as pleasure.

At least these things don't leave scars.

I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl, there's only you and me

A few people call a greeting to me as I enter the hospital. This is only my 2nd day and about 5 people know me. It's weird to start completely new, where no one knows your secrets. But that's the exact reason why I left; so people can see me as Abby Lockhart MD, instead of Alcoholic Abby, failure and freak.

Peeling off my jacket I put on my white coat, throw the steth round my neck and join the hustle and bustle of OB. As I wander down the halls I see moms with babies I delivered last night and suddenly I feel proud of myself. I have finally found my path through life, after climbing all those mountains.

I wonder why it took moving to Georgia and away from...all my memories to see it though.