MY SHADOW IS GONE
"I've never been in love… no, really, I've never treasured any girl before. Strange, I thought I never will… And you may say I'm stupid, but actually… well, admit – it's pretty hard to feel affection for someone who's kneeling before you… scorn, that's more what you perceive, isn't it?
I'm not boasting, but girls were always fancying me- James can prove it! – and so that's why I gradually began to feel nothing for them, nothing but contempt, disrespect… or at least I thought so until I got to know her better.
Shadow Gloom… well, what can I say? When I first saw that hot chick, probably one of the most popular and beautiful girls in the whole school, I kind of decided for myself that she was a typical Slytherin (and she was a Slytherin) – wicked, sneaky… I was wrong…
God, never thought I'm gonna write love notes here… Oh, shit! She's here, she's in the library!.. Have I turned red? Hope not…
'Hey, Padfoot!' James Potter smiled and collapsed on a chair next to me. 'Had no idea I'll find you here… what's that you're writing?'
'Nothing,' said I, quickly closing my journal.
'Oh, well,' I felt pity, watching James trying to hide his disappointment. 'Have you already invited someone to the Christmas Ball?'
'No,' said I.
'Have you got an eye on anyone?' Potter grinned.
'No.'
That was probably the first time I found James extremely annoying…
'Are my eyes cheating me or you did turn bright crimson?' James frowned, unwilling to display his curiosity. 'C'mon! What's up?'
I felt really stupid. I didn't want to offend my best friend… but it was so difficult to tell the truth – after all, I always had such an awful opinion of all this dating and stuff…
'Let me guess…' James became rather serious. 'You are secretly in love with me and don't want Lily to be my girlfriend, because in fact you're…'
'Oh, shut up!' I laughed and tried to strike James with a huge volume "Wild Magic Monster Manual", but couldn't reach him across the table.
'Hey, you could have killed me with it!' Potter jumped back and accidentally knocked some Slytherin girl of her feet.
And then I understood that this "some Slytherin girl" was Shadow…
'Jesus, careful!' said Gloom as she sat up on the floor, and I hurried to help her get up.
'Am… I'm really-really sorry for my friend,' shit, can you actually believe I started saying that nonsense, 'he's kind of a bit excited about something… am… dunno about what exactly… Are you all right?'
I can imagine what kind of an astonished look James had then… but I didn't really care. I was waiting for the opportune moment and that was it, that was the right moment to say that…
'Would you go to the Ball with me?' and I thought I'd say something more romantic…
'Am…' Shadow looked quite puzzled when she heard me saying that, but then frowned and said quite sharply. 'May be… dunno… I'll think about it…'
As she'd said that she hurried out of the Library, followed by a group of faithful fans. Her answer was enough for me though – it felt as if I got wings for a moment, but then I realized that she hadn't given me a real answer yet.
'I'll ask you again at the supper!' shouted I joyfully now.
'What the devil was that?' James continued to eye me, his look full of shock.
x-x-x
The Christmas BallI was nervous. Can't believe I was though. I was standing in the corridor near the dungeons, where I was to meet my date. I was in a black satin cloak with dark blue cuffs and, despite my principles, wore a tie... that's why when I realized that she was being late, I felt pretty horrible, hehe…
But, hopefully, she wasn't VERY late. Beautiful she was, yes. And she actually managed to match my colors: she was in a long evening dress, the color of which reminded the sky at night… it fit closely to her body, so closely, that I s'pose Shadow might have considered me to be quite insolent, if she only noticed my insane look… Okay, I think I went too much into details, hehe…
'Hi,' I must admit I was deeply satisfied when she timorously lowered her eyes; she was clearly waiting for a compliment and so I decided to please her.
'You're beautiful,' said I, that was a standard phrase, but I decided to leave words like "your eyes are as deep as the ocean" for later – I had big plans for that evening.
'Strange to hear such words from a Gryffindor as dignified as you,' she gave a cunning smile and as I offered her my hand, we headed towards the Hall, from where we could already hear the sound of music…
It was a weird feeling, walking side by side with someone whom you love honestly (or at least believe you do), knowing that tonight you're gonna do something that will determine your future relationship…
The Hall was decorated brilliantly – with thousands of candles and small bright sparks of lights, which you also might have considered to be real fairies, flying all over. Among the dancing pairs I noticed James and Lily, but they were so busy that I decided not to disturb them…
'Where're your other friends?' asked Shadow rather curiously, probably wondering when I'm gonna invite her to the dance.
I had no idea were Wormtail was, probably didn't manage to find himself a girlfriend… so I had no difficulty answering this one, hehe… I lied about Remus though – it was full moon, I would have risked a lot if started talking of him, so cut the theme by saying he left for Romania these holidays…
Then I invited her to dance. Cha-cha-cha. Samba. Tango. Finally, rumba, the dance of love, as they say… I wanted us to go out in to the school grounds, so we did… I s'pose she thought I was a bit crazy, for even though we already couldn't hear the music I continued dancing with her…
I was glad that she didn't ask me anything, for I began to doubt my courage… But in the end I made my choice and decided to nail my colors to the mast.
'Shadow,' I paused for a moment, listening to the sound of her own name, it sounded a bit mysterious in the night, 'I want to tell you something.'
She looked up at me. I thought I noticed a phantom of despair in that look, though no – it was more like hope… I must have made Shadow pretty nervous, for I took her hands and held like that, unconsciously leaning on her… I don't remember what I've been saying – probably something stupidly sentimental…
But her eyes were somehow sparkling brighter and brighter… until…
Oh, that was a wonderful kiss! The best ever… If I had to put it a mark I would have probably given hundred points… That was how it all began.
x-x-x
We've been dating ever since. Secretly – I imagine how many gossips would have been spread in Hogwarts if we made out officially. I suppose only James, Lily and Moony knew about us, I didn't want even Wormtail to be told…
And everything was amazing, until one day I found out something that shocked me so much that… I just wasn't myself… My Shadow, my dear little Shadow… was d.e.a.d.
Seventh year. It was the last school day. Everyone was ready to leave. I was walking a lonely path through the edge of the Forbidden Forest, all by myself… And perhaps I offended James greatly by telling him to fuck off, but I just wanted to be alone then, alone with my dark thoughts.
I was angry, angry at myself for by then I was sure that if there was a problem between you and your lover you should first of all seek for it in yourself…
And I was sure if she only wasn't afraid of me breaking up with her, Shadow would have told me, who she really was… what she really was.
I've never noticed that she had no shadow, had no reflection in the mirror… However, I did notice she wasn't afraid of sunlight… Strange, I thought I knew that part of the text book by heart, but I s'pose I was wrong… probably some special, universal vampire… My poor little bird, she was bitten several months before our first kiss, doomed to be an outsider, which she actually never appeared to be… I wasn't wondering where from she got blood for drinking, I didn't want to know… Dumbledore probably took care of that, as well as he took care of Lupin… but the fact remained…
I didn't know what to do… and it took me a long time to recover from my shock and depression and to make up my mind.
I decided I didn't care. I couldn't go to the Slytherin dormitory, so I went to the Hall, where I hoped to find my Shadow. She wasn't there. Alarmed by that, I went to the Owl Tower to check whether her raven was still there, but I didn't find him as well… No one had seen her for the past several hours.
I was anxious! I ran to our Gryffindor dormitory, hoping to find some note there… I did… find one.
"Farewell," was everything it said…"
My old journal ended here and I was glad there were no bad memories for me to remember anymore while reading it… But I'll never forget that very moment when I realized that my Shadow was gone…