Name: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Rumours.

Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione managed to escape Voldemort's lair in the prequel to this story... But who is waiting for them on the other side? I know it's really long, but PLEASE READ IT! it's worth it...

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything, and I'm making fun of it! I feel so bad.

As Harry, Ron and Hermione stepped out of Fluffy's lair, there was a man in a shrouded robe standing in the way.

"Oh for goodness' sake- NO I don't want to register with some crap window company thank you." Harry said, shoving the man aside and stepping into the 3rd Floor corridor.

"But wait! You don't understand!" The shrouded man called after him as he removed his hood. "My name is Gilderoy Sockheart. I have to come to warn you that- AGH! ERRRRG! OMIGOD NOOO!"

"What the hell are you doing man? Stand up!" Ron comanded.

But it appeared that Gilderoy Sockheart was clutching his chest in agony. He couldn't stand at all. He was on his knees, squirming, screaming, smacking his head on the marble wall once every second.

"I say we leave the bugger alone." Said Harry, turning away. Hermione grabbed him and turned him to face Sockheart.

"Harry, we have to help him! He's dying!" Hermione said with panic in her voice.

"Good, then he'll be doing us all a favour." Harry shrugged.

"Harry I'm being serious!" She replied quickly. "He looks like he's having a-"

"Oh don't worry about me, children, I have these occasional breast attacks." Said Gilderoy Sockheart, getting back on his feet. "I'm alright now."

"Breast attacks? How out of interest?" Ron said, amazed at this freak.

"Oh, it happened a long time ago while I was having my breast implants. They removed my heart and replaced it with a sock. It works just as- AGH- Fine and dandy."

"Riiiiiiiiight..." Ron said, turning away and committing a turning movement with his finger by his ear.

"I know what that means, sir, I'm not daft!"

Ron just sneered, then followed Harry down the stairs. Hermione didn't go with them because she had to go to the loo.

"Screw her, let's just get back to the- WHOA!"

Harry stopped and stared at some markings on the wall.

"It's written with blood." Harry said, gaping.

"How do you know?" Ron asked.

"It says, dumbass. Can't you read?"

"No."

Harry sighed deeply.

"It says: 'I hear that this message was written with blood.' Wow. Exciting."

"Wait, Harry, there's another one behind you!" Ron pointed at the wall by Harry. "What does that one say?"

"It says... 'Hermione fancies Professor... Oh God no."

"What?" Ron said, eager to know who.

"Pr-professor McGonagall."

There was a long silence between them. Then they both burst out laughing. Ron literally wet himself.

"Do you think we should tell McGonagall about this?" Ron suggested.

"Nah, she'd probably get turned on. You can bet she's a little desperate for love at her age."

"There's loads of them! Let's read them all!" Ron said excitedly.

"Okay," Harry accepted. "Let's see... Draco Malfoy is gay..."

"I wonder who wrote these?" Said Ron.

"Well I wrote that one," Harry claimed, pointing at the one about Draco. Ron laughed.

"What does that one say?" Ron asked, signifying one with very small words.

"It says... 'Leerdammer cheese is nice'... Is it HELL! Okay, and...'Pansy Parkinson's mum is a flower'? Wow, I thought so... I knew I should have poked her with that branch."

Harry and Ron kept reading all the rumours on the walls, until they lead them to one that read this: 'I've heard that if you lean against this wall you will fall through to the chamber of rumours.'

"Oh yeah? Well let's test that one, shall we?" Said Ron. He wound up his fist and unleashed a heavy punch that collided with the wall. There was a horrible crunch.

"Ron, it said LEAN ON. Not hit... Ron? Ron are you okay?"

"Mm-hm..." Ron squeaked.

"You aren't you."

"Nope."

Harry looked at the wall. It was horribly cracked and ruined, but not as badly as Ron's fist.

"Ouch. You wanna take that to the hosbital bingo-wing?" Harry suggested.

Ron shook his head. He gritted his teeth.

"Are you sure? Because that don't look to good."

Ron nodded in agony. He was beginning to get wrinkly.

"Ron, you're gonna look old soon if you don't stop with that expression."

Ron tugged his fist out from the wall. Blood trickled all down it.

"DAMMIT, MAN, YOUR DYING!" Harry screeched.

"Actually that's just the blood from the message."

"Oh."

Ron leaned against the wall. "So what shall we do n- AH!"

Ron fell through the wall. Harry could hear him tumbling down a slope of rocks.

"Ron? RON? Where've ya gone you bloody nonce?" Harry ranted.

"Im down here... I'm in a lot of pain right now but I'm still alive... I think you better come down here..."

"No way man, I ain't suicidal!" Harry shouted.

"I thought you were!"

"You thought I was GAY until I showed you my Y-Fronts."

"I still think you are gay!"

"I still think your mum's a fat bitch but I ain't complainin'."

"Come down 'ere an' say that, you specky freak!"

"COME ON THEN!" Harry leaned against the wall and in no time he was thrust down a slope with jagged rocks, pebbles and spikes. Don't ask about the spikes. Please.

This story is getting a little too long so I think I'll just split it up into two stories. Thanks for reading, please review!