CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No infringement intended.
Sequel to Chained to the past.
Sara deals with the consequences of that 'dinner invitation'
Post Unbearable.
A/N As always, huge thanks to Marlou for her beta services. You're a star.
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my stories either on YTDAW and email. I appreciate every review.
Sara opened the door to her apartment, and gazed into the vacant silence. It seemed strange how the emptiness beckoned, its soothing hush engulfing her. Not so long ago she used to dread the solitude, a stark reminder of how lonely her life had become, but now she welcomed the seclusion. Peeling off her jacket, Sara threw it onto the couch haphazardly and looked blearily down at the keys she still held in her hand.
Her mind was still reeling from Grissom's apparent betrayal, bringing with it everything she had tried to deny for so long. He was never really hers to begin with. She had never held any claim over him personally but they used to have an unspoken bond. It was that connection that kept her bound to him, and in some ways she never wanted to lose that link between them.
Any normal person would have left a long time ago, but she had always felt that he was worth all the heartache he'd put her through. So she had stayed, returning time and time again, only to be ignored and left alone, licking her wounds. He'd proved to her in more ways than one that she wasn't worth the risk. As much as that had hurt she'd still tried to ignore that he'd been slowly slipping away from her a long time before Sophia came onto the scene.
Sara's mind wandered back to earlier that morning. She'd been on her way to see Grissom, to stop by and offer the excuse that she needed to give him some DNA results, but in truth she just wanted to see him. But he wasn't alone.
She had intended to knock on his door and hand him the folder she was carrying, but everything quickly became too much to bear. All she heard were whispered words and something about dinner, but it was enough to break her apart inside.
Hot tears had gathered in her eyes, but she kept them hidden. She was much too proud to show everyone her weakness even though she could almost hear the crack forming inside her battered heart. How had it come to this? Grissom had made her feel so special, his comfort providing her with the armour she needed to regain her footings and start the healing process.
Only last week he had been her rock, the constant source of support that had kept her strong throughout the long week of her suspension. He'd give her more of himself than he'd ever given her in the past, and it meant the world to her. But he'd taken it all away again in a heartbeat.
Throwing her keys onto the nearby coffee table, she sank down onto her couch when the humiliation took all of her strength and buried her face into her hands. How could she have been so wrong? How could she have misread everything they shared?
"Stupid." She shook her head as the tears trickled over her cheeks. "Stupid…stupid."
He had sat here, only a few days ago, holding her hand when she told him that the strain of her memories still weighed her down. He'd listened to every secret she concealed and that she felt like she had a lead laced necklace constantly hanging around her neck. He'd eased the burden she carried; convinced her that despite what she thought, everyone still thought her to be strong and independent.
Grissom had been so patient and understanding, nodding silently when she grieved for the voice that had eluded her so many years ago. He'd comforted her when she mourned the end of her childhood. He had been there with her through every relived memory, squeezing her hand when the tears drowned out her words.
The barriers she had built up over the years to shield herself from the things that haunted her had slowly fallen away for him. He'd given her faith and the courage to face her fears, but now all she could feel were her harsh defences returning. She'd learnt how to disguise her secrets in the past, learnt how to hide the sorrow in her eyes. With the brief interlude into her defences, she would learn how to rebuild her walls and hide her demons again.
Closing her eyes wearily, trying to contemplate her world now that she was once again alone. The silence washed over her, lulling her emotions into blissful numbness. She'd tried so hard to evict the feelings Grissom evoked in her, but he kept burrowing deeper and she knew she was helpless to stop him.
Tears burned her eyes but she wiped them away, determined to purge the heartache from inside her. Exhaustion started to creep into her mind and she welcomed the numbing darkness that shrouded her. For a few blissful moments the loneliness disappeared and she started to drift away.
She was unprepared for the sudden intrusion into her peaceful world, but when someone banged on her door insistently, she pulled herself up to stare at the wooden barrier for a few seconds before wiping the wetness from her eyes. She looked down at her watch, silently both dreading but hoping that it was Grissom.
When she pulled open the door and saw him standing there, she suddenly felt very conscious of the fact that he would see the obvious signs of tears. In a vain attempt to mask her features, she lowered her eyes from his briefly only to raise them again to look upon him, silently challenging him to comment on her disarray.
"Hey, can I come in?" Grissom's voice was unusually quiet, his eyes searching her sorrow filled ones in silent anticipation.
Sara stepped aside silently, not trusting her voice to remain even if she spoke. His presence here was unnerving and she didn't know if she had the strength to keep up with the pretence that she was coping so much better.
She closed the door as soon as he was inside and turned around to see him staring at her flushed face.
"Are you okay?" His voice seemed tender as he spoke, throwing her off balance for a few seconds.
"I'm fine," she lied.
"Sara…"
"I think I'm getting a cold," she told him quickly as she tried to disguise the emptiness inside her.
Grissom nodded dubiously but even he could see the telltale signs of tears. "I was going to catch you at work…but you know…case loads…"
"Yeah," she nodded, irritation replacing what was left of her sadness. She wasn't prepared for this encounter while her emotions were still so raw. She'd planned to deal with his veiled friendship in her own way. In her own time. But now he had made her face it head-on, angering her further.
They regarded each other for a moment, both consumed in their own thoughts. It was Sara who eventually broke the silence. "Can I…you want anything?"
"Sure, whatever you're having is fine." Grissom could almost feel the temperature in the room drop a few degrees when he sat down onto her couch, and he still wasn't sure why she seemed so unreceptive.
He watched her silently while she crashed around her kitchen before getting up from the couch. He found himself slowly approaching her, flinching every time she smashed something onto the counter.
"Sara—"
Sara suddenly whirled around, the anger within her sparking the fire in her eyes. "What are you doing here, Grissom?"
"Uh…" his voice failed him and he found himself standing there before her unable to offer her an explanation. "I wanted to see you…"
"Well, now you've seen me," she snapped angrily before whirling around so that her back was facing him. "As you can see I'm fine."
Grissom watched her for a few seconds as he tried to understand why she was so hostile. Stepping closer, he took his life into his own hands and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Sara?"
Sara could feel herself slipping beneath his touch and she bit back the heated retort that was gathering in her throat. The betrayal of his touch sent shards of fury through her body and she turned around to face him, pushing his hands away from her almost violently. "I said I'm fine."
Grissom was momentarily stunned by her behaviour, but he recovered quickly. He stepped closer to her again, keeping his voice soft as he reached out to touch her again "No, you're not."
Sara's eyes closed automatically when she felt both of his hands on her shoulders. She knew she was trembling and the more she tried to stop it the more she shook. His mixed signals sent her into confusion again and she didn't know what to believe any more. His warmth seeped through her, disabling her defences and sending her walls crashing down around her. She hated this. Only moments ago anger had fed her tremendous power, but now it was tinged with despair.
"I can't do this anymore," she told him, her defeated voice slipping from her lips in a whisper.
Grissom shook his head worriedly and moved even closer, close enough to feel the heat of her body standing in front of him. "Tell me…"
His shrouded concern sparked her anger once more and she pulled away from him to turn around, her eyes ablaze with furious tears. "Tell you what?"
Grissom took a step back, her anger stirring familiar feelings inside him. He didn't know what to do anymore. Sara was like a time bomb at times. She shifted from tenderness to anger in a heartbeat and he didn't know how to deal with it, even though he wanted to.
"You want to be the one to save me from myself? Is that what you want?" Sara's voice shook as she spoke and her eyes flared with fire, challenging him to answer.
Her words cut sharply, but he knew that something deep had spurred them yet he couldn't keep his own frustration buried when she was so obviously hurting.
"SARA…" Grissom cursed himself inwardly as his voice rose. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh with her and he prepared himself for her next onslaught, but it never came.
Sara's eyes closed briefly allowing the welling tears to spill over onto her cheeks and trickle down her face. The anger that had flared only moments ago dissipated to leave her vulnerable once again. She hated feeling this way and she hated the tears that tumbled so easily before him. Once again he had pushed her over the edge only to catch her before she could fall. He sought out her vulnerability and took control, healing her with whispered words, only to take them away again.
She was losing her grip on her tenuous emotions, feeling herself slipping further into desolation. Opening her eyes, she turned to him, careful to avoid his gaze.
"I knew if I ever told you about my past that I'd lose you."
Her words when they finally came bore none of the anger from moments ago and Grissom found himself fighting to make her look at him. "Sara—"
"I never really had you," she told him quietly before he could continue, "so it really shouldn't matter to me…" she turned away from him before she lost the struggle with her torrid emotions, clutching the edge of the counter with her fingers. "…But it does."
"I…" Grissom didn't know what to say to her. He'd always managed to mess things up between them and now, now that she needed him to be strong for her, he knew he wanted to help her, more than ever. "You have to help me, Sara…I want to try…I…"
Sara shook visibly when his words washed over her but instead of the comfort they were meant to be, they only served to transport her back into the past again, back to where Grissom's anguished confession still rocked her to the core.
"But I'm not worth the risk, am I, Grissom." Her voice shook as she spoke, and she turned around again to see his face pale. "I'm someone you could care about, but I'm not worth it…"
"How—"
"I was there," she told him sadly. "I heard it all." She watched the myriad of emotions changing in his eyes and then the sudden comprehension. She watched his mouth open and close several times before shaking her head in defeat and slowly walking around him to sit on her couch. For a few seconds she thought he might turn and flee, but when he didn't she turned to him, her voice tinged with the hurt she felt. "Is she worth the risk, Grissom?"
Whatever words had formed on Grissom's lips suddenly dissolved into confusion. He had no idea who she was talking of, but when he turned to face her, the pain in her eyes told him that her fears were definitely real.
He moved slowly closer, sitting down tentatively beside her. For a moment he sat there silently aching to hold her, but he settled for reaching for her hand.
"I was a different person last year," he told her as he laced his fingers through hers. "I didn't know how to…I still don't know how to do this."
"You know what really hurts?" she asked softly, averting her eyes from his before she spoke again. "You know why I'm such a mess?"
"I know from what you told me…but I—"
"This isn't about my past, Grissom. This is about us…" Sara blushed slightly and looked away from him. " Not that there has ever been an us…"
"Sara?"
Closing her eyes again, she took a breath before she spoke, her voice trembling slightly. "You wouldn't even have dinner with me. You acted as though you thought the whole idea was repulsive…yet you…" Opening her eyes again, she looked down into their intertwined fingers. "I came to see you before… but you were busy, so I left."
Grissom's mind tried to relive the night's events, going over and over every detail until he suddenly realized why she was so upset with him. "Oh Sara, honey that wasn't anything."
Honey… There was that word again. She wondered if he even knew he was saying it and if he knew how much she loved to hear it. That particular endearment had become hers, but with it came only anger and rejection. She almost surrendered when his fingers slipped through hers so easily, the touch so familiar now. But she had to be strong before she lost herself completely.
Pulling her hand from his, she stood up and turned to gaze out of the window. So long ago she had vowed to herself that she wouldn't let her past affect her, but somewhere along the line it had and it saddened her deeply. Sighing heavily, she closed her eyes against the memories, her voice trembling with emotion. "I spent a lifetime apart from my mother but somehow I've become her."
Grissom's heart ached for her when he heard those mournful words slip from her lips and he wished he could find a way to stop her self-made torment from slowly tearing her apart. "Sara, that's not true." But when she turned around to face him, he could see the defeat in her eyes.
"My mom stayed because she still loved my father. They abused each other on a regular basis, but she stayed. She let him hurt her." Her eyes met his fiercely before she looked away again. "How am I any different?"
"No…Sara—"
"I've stayed here only for you to hurt me again and again. The only difference between me and my mother is that you can't see my bruises because they are on the inside."
Silence engulfed the emotionally charged atmosphere. Grissom's mind swam in turmoil. They had made some progress last week, rebuilding the fragile friendship between them but now he could feel her slipping away from him. The thought of losing her forever scared him tremendously and he knew he would have to be the one to try and fix this mess.
"You listen to me," Grissom spoke at last, his voice rising as he stood up to face her. Reaching out to her, he grasped her hands, holding them tightly even though she avoided his gaze. "I've made a lot of mistakes…I've hurt you too many times and I'm not proud of myself. But you are not turning into your mother…I won't let you."
His words seemed to affect her. He felt the slight tremble in her hands so he squeezed her fingers in reassurance. "You have always been special to me."
Sara let his words wash over her, trying to draw comfort from them. He was here with her, pleading with her to understand but she was still so afraid of letting him in only to lose him again.
"If that's true," she whispered doubtfully, "then why don't you want me?" Her eyes met his, seeking his answers but afraid of what she would find. When he didn't speak, she took that as his reply and pulled her hands away from his again.
"I want you…" his voice was so soft that she almost didn't hear him at first. She turned to him again and saw the hopelessness in his eyes. "I want you, Sara…but… I can't have you."
"I'm here," she whispered, her voice shaking as she opened her arms only to put then down by her sides again. "I'm here for you to... care about. I've always been here."
"But you're so young, and I'm—"
"Everything I want." Sara moved a little closer to him before she reached out to take his hand in her own. "When will you understand that I don't want anyone else?"
"I'll only mess things up."
"So will I." She gave him a small smile before she released his hand and her voice trembled as she fought the ever present tears. "All I ever wanted was for you to care for me again, like you used to. I know you can't give me anything else…"
"I do care." His hands reached for her again, pulling her closer so that he could look into her eyes. "But…Sara…" he closed his eyes briefly, a small blush tinting his face. "I'm not very good at this."
Sara choked back a sob when one of his hands found its way to her face and she offered him a sad smile. "You're doing fine."
Grissom watched her with a new wave of emotions. Over the last week they had grown so much closer, made some progress towards rebuilding their delicate friendship. Had he realized that one friendly dinner would only serve to tear down the steps they had taken, he would have rethought his actions.
"Are you hungry?" he asked softly as he reached up to wipe a stray tear that had carved a path down her cheek.
Sara leaned into his touch and shook her head slightly, relishing the feel of his hand against her skin. He had so much power over her that it was frightening. Only a few moments ago she had been ready to fight and to purge him from her life, but she'd always known that leaving him would be almost impossible.
"Do you need anything?" he asked, his voice as tender as his touch.
"No, I'm good."
"Are you going to be okay?" His thumb caressed her cheek gently, enticing her eyes to meet his own.
She wanted to tell him yes, but her eyes screamed no. She wanted to drown in his embrace and feel the warmth of his arms around her. She wanted to fall asleep against his chest and hear his heart beating beneath her ear. She wanted him to tell her that everything would be okay and that nothing would hurt her again. She wanted it all—but he would never be able to give it to her.
"I'll be fine," she lied as she slowly disengaged from his touch. "I'm a little tired."
Grissom felt her separation in so many ways and he unexpectedly couldn't let her go. Her closeness brought him comfort and he soon found that he didn't want to lose these tender, intimate moments between them. Sometimes the fear inside him outweighed every other emotion, but he owed her so much more than his trepidation.
Clasping her hand again, he ignored the slight gasp that escaped her lips as he led her back over to her couch. Easing her down, he applied as much gentle pressure as he could to reassure her that he wasn't going to run away from her this time.
"Grissom…" her voice rose slightly when he sat down beside her and moved a little closer. Over the last week he had reached out to her both emotionally and physically, but at the same time he had always held a part of himself back, never ready to fully commit.
Closing her eyes, Sara tried not to let his touch mean anything more than any of the previous ones. She tried to silence the hope in her heart that maybe tonight he would be different and give her more.
When he sat back against her couch and gently pulled her so that her head rested against his shoulder, she realized that nothing really mattered any more.
"Get some sleep," he whispered into her hair, clasping her hand as he spoke. "I'll be here."
His tenderness brought a fresh sheen of tears to well up in her eyes but she held them back, content to take as much as he wanted to give her. She moved slightly and lifted her head from his shoulder to gaze adoringly into his eyes, a silent thank you on her lips.
His smile melted away the doubts that still lingered, leaving her unbound and free from her nightmares. Before she could lean into his shoulder again, his fingers moved to her face, brushing away the beginnings of a tear that had escaped from her eyes. In that moment he understood everything.
This thing between them was growing, and its power overruled every other emotion in his heart. At times he could feel himself falling, weighed down with the devotion she evoked in him, and as much as it scared him, it exhilarated him at the same time.
When she settled her head against his shoulder once more, he knew, even without words, that she was going to get through this. The night she had crumbled before him, revealing the past, he'd felt it. He'd felt the changes between them, but they no longer had the power to scare him now.
Needing to feel more of her, he moved slightly, manoeuvring her so that he could wrap his arm around her shoulder and pull her close to his chest. Her nearness calmed what was left of his fears, soothing away any doubts. He was so tired of pretending that this bond between them didn't affect him. He was tired of fighting his feelings. He was tired of trying to convince himself that he felt no more than friendship for her.
He wanted to show her more than anything that even though she sometimes terrified him, he wasn't afraid of the changes in their relationship. He felt more relaxed now than he had in months, and he knew it was all due to the woman in his arms. Settling himself against her couch, he stroked the bare skin of her arms before resting his head back against the cushions and closed his eyes.
With a contented sigh, Sara smiled slightly when he reached for her hand again, closing his fingers around hers. She settled against him, feeling nothing but the affection in his touch. His warmth washed over her, and she couldn't ever remember a time when she had felt so safe. Her eyes drifted closed as she laid her head against his chest. He instinctively pulled her closer and she adjusted to his body as if they had been together for years. She laid stretched against him, content to listen to the beating of his heart.
There was still so much they needed to work through, and she still wasn't sure if he could ever love her, but being here, wrapped in his arms was everything. Smiling, she surrendered to the gentle tug of sleep, content to know that while he was here, he cared. And for now, that was enough.