And when we break out of here, we'll go somewhere.
Where will we go?
I don't know. Somewhere, away from here.
It's not bad here.
It could be better.
Have I know of anything better?
You haven't. That's why I'm taking you.
And it will be different?
Yes.
A new beginning?
Yes.
A new morning?
Yes.
Dawn.
"Good morning, Miss Tenjou."
Her eyes snapped open, as it seemed the day always started. She'd wait for them to focus, for the world to focus around her. And then she would realize where she was, what she was supposed to be doing. And she'd never apologize, never say she was sorry, except to herself.
This time, her psychology professor, tall and thin and gangly, brown hair neatly trimmed and parted from the right, was staring at her with a good-natured expression on his face. A few strands of hair were in disarray with the rest of his part, but otherwise, he was the picture of neatness. His suit was bright-colored and pressed, shoulders broad and the wrinkles in his pants were even on both sides. She grimaced, but managed to grit out a smile, anyway.
"Oh." She said, and then resumed a regular slouch-sitting position, as he walked back to the front of the classroom, and she received a few looks from the other students, some of amusement and some of annoyance. College professors rarely did that-- check up on students, that is. They let the sleeping dogs lie. And truly, what a bitch she was.
"And that's your homework." The professor stated, and suddenly class was dismissed. Utena was bewildered. She had just woken up, hadn't she? How strange.
"What was the homework?" She found herself asking as she sought out Doug, her reliable (if not gay) roommate. He looked deep in thought. They stood, sort of blocking the doorway, as students crowded around them to get out. Their professor had returned to his desk, clicking around on is computer. Probably surfing the internet for pornography, Utena mused wryly.
"He just asked us to think about the question he asked."
"What question?"
Her red-haired roommate sighed, and then turned to walk out the door.
"What question?" Her curiosity was piqued. Usually she enjoyed psychology class-- such interesting things to talk about, about the human mind, that sort of thing. Doug, however, took more interest in the government classes offered on campus. Utena found it a waste of time. Besides, Doug's goddamned boyfriend, Syle was a goddamned anarchist, playing in that punk band in his spare time. What the hell was he studying government philosophies and policies for? She smiled. Probably so that when his boyfriend took over the world, he could rule over it himself.
"He just told us to think about the question he asked us." Doug's thoughtful frown had turned back into his usual sunny smile, with a tinge of mischief around the edges. "But as you weren't paying attention, I don't think I should tell you what it was."
"Come on." She rolled her eyes. "It's not another term paper assignment, though. We just turned one in last week."
"Correction," Doug announced, waggling his finger at her, "I turned one in last week. You, on the other hand, did not."
"I was busy." She muttered, not remembering what the hell she was doing last week when she was supposed to be working on it.
"The question was, "Is it better to be popular and beautiful, or plain and ordinary?"" He snorted, derisively, almost. "It's such a simple answer you almost question the question itself."
"I guess so." Utena mused. It was such a simple question, wasn't it? What was he thinking, assigning homework like that?
"It's due tomorrow, by the way." Doug sighed as he plopped down on a bench outside, and Utena sat down next to him, admiring the ass of the guy in tight black pants (but he wasn't gay, he did have his arm around a girl) who just walked past. Dark complexion (either he was foreign or just had a really deep tan) and light hair. Staring at his back, she grinned to herself. Probably dyed his hair that color. And nice red shirt. Ruffly, a sort of poet-shirt, Renaissance-esque. And then there was her roommate, flamboyantly gay without a sense of style or dignity.
"I'll do it tonight."
"You'll screw your pretty bed-partner tonight." He grinned over at Utena, noticing her face had turned an astonishing shade of red. "You two should sleep together. I would like my bed back."
"If you want a bed, go to Saionji's place." She muttered, turning her head, trying to think of a better comment.
"Saionji?" Doug shook his head. "You mean Syle."
"That's right." Utena blinked. "Wasn't that what I said?"
"You said Saion-gee." Doug's face was scrunched up slightly, his lips pursed, as if he couldn't pronounce the name.
"Who the hell is that?"
"I don't know. You said the name first."
She snorted. "Then I'm pretty fucked up. Look at all the things I've been saying, calling you Touga, acting like a screwball in front of the girl--"
"You like her, then?" Doug grinned, shading his eyes from the sun, which had chosen that opportune moment to come out of the clouds and shine down on the two of them. "It's like back in elementary school, where the girls would go running away from the guys they liked because they had 'cooties,' while the guys would relentlessly tease the girls because they liked them."
"And with you, it was always different." She hadn't meant for it to sound biting, but it came out caustically, not the joking tone she intended.
Doug was silent for a minute. "Well, it wasn't easy."
"What wasn't?"
"Coming out."
"Gee, I always assumed you were gay from the moment you were born."
"I wasn't."
"You had a girlfriend?" She was interested, suddenly, and cursed her short attention span.
"Back in high school." Doug turned and smiled, a bit wistfully, at her. "I was a junior, and she was a freshman. Didn't know what I was thinking." He sighed.
"Oh."
"I was on the ASB, president of the junior class, and I won the senior elections as well." The wistful smile came back onto his face again. "I was so popular at the time. All the girls crowding at my feet..."
"You were a player?"
"Somewhat of one."
"But?"
"What?"
"You make it sound like there was a bad side to it. Besides, you're gay now."
"I don't know. I just ignored the friends I had made quite some time ago, my real friends. I don't know. I just sort of left them where they were. And then I sort of got over the girl, something happened to her or something, she transferred to a different school. And the thing was, I don't think I really liked her at all-- it was just that she didn't like me, and I wanted the challenge. I guess."
"What a fucked up story." Utena murmured, shaking her head, almost sorry for the poor guy. "But it's fitting, for a fucked up guy like yourself."
"I guess so."
It was silent for a while, and they listened to the people talking around them, not saying anything interesting. Then Utena spoke up again.
"So... when did you come out?"
He paused. "In my senior year."
"And...?"
"I came out to-- well... it was one of my old friends." A grin started on the corner of his mouth. "Syle, to be exact."
Utena blinked. "You two have known each other for that long?"
"Yeah."
"And how did he take it?"
"Oh, he was surprised. Not bad-surprised... one might say it was a good sort of surprise." He winked. "Very happy. Very gay."
"But you two have only been going out since... last... week."
"Friends don't change into lovers overnight, dear. It took us some time."
"Hn."
"We're hoooo~oooome!!!" Doug announced with a whoop, throwing his books down on the floor. Utena scoffed at him and set her books down on the kitchen table, ignoring the smile of the dark-skinned girl as she walked into her room and peeled her shirt off. It was damned hot today, more than ninety-something degrees outside, and even in a tank top she was drenched in her own sweat. Throwing the grey thing into the hamper, she opened the bureau--
And blanched.
All her clothes had been neatly folded and put away, all of them pressed and ironed, all of them clean and smelling like peaches and soap. Her mouth thinned and she opened the top drawer-- yes, all her underwear was perfectly folded and stacked as well, the few pairs of socks she owned rolled into perfect balls of cloth and her bras organized by color.
The Hell. She thought to herself, slamming the drawers shut and sitting on her bed, burying her face in her hands, shaking her head. She had a reason to be secretly pleased with it all. She had her own live-in maid who didn't complain about much. She had her own personal slave to do whatever she wanted, all because of some past thing she didn't recall, which probably never happened. Her roommate had often titled such experiences as 'love at first sight--' which he had experienced with many a man on the street who wore tight pants and tank tops. But she'd never seen this girl before. There was no time for her to fall in love with her. No time for that sort of bullshit.
Doug's high-pitched enthusiastic squeal came from outside. "This is so precious!"
Utena looked up and noticed through the doorway that Doug was holding something and was prancing around with it, cooing insanely, while the dark-skinned girl stood off to the side, looking abashed, but at the same time, happy. Utena groaned to herself and stood up, walking outside.
"What'd she do now?" She asked, bored, positioning herself on the doorframe, arms crossed, not glancing at Anthy but knowing the hurt expression would be there with her callous tone, all the same.
"Oh... take a look." He presented Anthy's pet rat to Utena, which was wearing a small red tie with a yellow stripe on it and looking very clownish (but at the same time, distinguished) indeed. Utena scratched her head and squinted. There also seemed to be an earring in its ear. Strange, she hadn't noticed that before.
"It's adorable." Utena replied, deadpan, and looked at Anthy, who was staring down at the floor with her head cast down. She huffed impatiently.
"Utena, I appreciate the view, but go put a shirt on." Doug murmured, while stroking the rat's head, still cooing at it.
Oh. Utena stared down at herself. She had forgotten that she'd taken off her shirt and was now only in her sports bra and her pants from this morning. Mouth quirking, she didn't bother to cover herself-- she did work out, after all, and was absolutely sure she did not look like she was in need of any sort of... modesty. Doug caught her eye and laughed, turning away to put the rat on the couch. Utena glared at his back, not meaning it, and then turned to Anthy, who had also looked away, a slight tinge of red on her cheeks, hands held demurely behind her back.
Utena decided that she could either yell at Anthy's embarrassment, or laugh at it. She decided to do the latter.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" She smirked, sauntering over to the girl with dark skin, who suddenly looked up, flushed, and then looked back down again.
"No."
"Are you gay?"
Anthy didn't reply, only looked away, her bottom lip trembling slightly, then firm. "No."
"Then stop looking at me."
The green eyes were still looking away. "I wasn't."
"Wasn't what?" Utena's smile was becoming dangerous, her voice bordering on a sneer.
"I wasn't lying." Something trembling within those eyes, something threatening to break. "I wasn't."
"Lying?" Utena hissed, placing one hand on the wall behind Anthy, so she was almost shadowing her. "Lying about what?"
Anthy didn't say anything, lifted one timid hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face, and Utena seized it, trying to wrench the attention out of her if she needed to.
She saw the marks in the knuckles from yesterday, when Anthy had been hysterical, insane, rambling, shoving her hand in her mouth to try and quiet herself for no reason at all, and all Utena did was sit there and think about what the hell had been going on, why this felt familiar, why suddenly, everything seemed to present itself in a new perspective to her.
Utena let go of it in disgust and pity and confusion. The dark hand withdrew immediately and was back again, behind Anthy's back, unseen.
Doug's coos subsided. When it had become completely silent in their dorm room, she spoke up again, looking Utena in the eye, smiling brightly, all of a sudden happy and joyous, the complete opposite of what she had just been, five minutes ago.
"There's a message for you." She said, voice light and airy, stepping away from Utena's form and towards the phone. "I didn't pick it up, because I didn't know how you two usually reply."
"It's easy." Doug smiled as he strode in. "You just ask, 'hello?' And if you're feeling naughty, you can pretend to not speak English. You know, one time Syle did that when we woke up in the morning-- some sales person tried to call and he did the most perfect imitation of a Chinese immigrant! 'Hallo? No speaking English! No speaking English! You want buy Wong's lobsta? Go try numba down de street!'" He imitated. "It was fantastic. I could barely stop laughing."
Anthy smiled at her roommate and shook her head. "I couldn't do that." She smiled benignly. "It's not fair to Chinese immigrants."
Doug's eyes sparkled with suppressed laughter. "I can tell you're a goody-goody. Brought up in a sheltered community--" at this he sprang into melo-drama mode, clutching at his heart. "oppressed by your family from the moment you were born!" He cast a cocky grin at the both of them and noticed Anthy's bemused expression and Utena's scoffing one. "Am I right?"
"Somewhat." Anthy laughed, and strode over to the phone, pushed the 'play' button on the answering machine. "It's for you, Utena." Her voice diminished as she addressed the other girl. "Some person named Jerry tried to reach you this afternoon."
Instantly Utena's eyes brightened, although she forced the shine back when she saw Doug looking rather amusedly at her, sitting down on one of the chairs. "Do tell." He smirked, not breaking eye contact with her as she felt herself slowly flush, turning red. "And this is from the girl who tells me she's not--"
"Shut up." Utena snapped, turning to the answering machine. Anthy backed away from the speaker, and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs as well, a slight smile on her face as her rat climbed up onto the table, nipping at her fingers, and she played with it, never making eye contact with either one of them as the message sounded.
"Hello, Utena-- this is Jerry. I met you the other day at the club-- you left so suddenly I never got a chance to speak with you. I was wondering if you'd like to pick up our conversation again-- go out for dinner tonight? Give me a call back, my number is--"
"Wow." Doug smirked, as he swiveled in his chair (and unfortunately, the kitchen chair wouldn't swivel, so he ended up falling out of it). "Dinner." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Utena, feeling all the more better and ecstatic from the message, decided she'd slap him later.
"421-8789. Any time is convenient-- if you'd like to reschedule, that's fine as well. I look forward to seeing you again-- bye."
The machine clicked, and it was silent again in their room, even though the rat chitted and inside Utena's head, a billion things to say rolled and stormed around.
Wow. Was her first coherent thought. Me? Dinner?
"Apparently so." Doug was on the verge of laughing, and Utena realized she had spoken out loud. "Really." He said, trying to catch his breath, his mouth twitching. "You should learn to control yourself better, my dear."
"Shut the hell up." Utena replied stonily, and grabbed a cushion off the couch and threw it at him. Doug caught it right before it hit his face.
"So... are you going?" He asked, cowering behind the pillow so only the top part of his head showed, blue eyes peeking out over the material. "It's a date, you know."
"It's not." Utena huffed, and crossed her arms, realizing she was still only in her bra-- oh yeah, huh. "Would you miss the opportunity to eat good food with the second-richest person in the world? The woman is loaded. I wouldn't pass up on this chance for the world." Utena cast a sideways glance at Anthy, who averted her gaze as soon as their eyes met. She sighed.
If that girl was a dyke, at least she'd have enough common sense to know when there was competition around.
"So you're only using her?" Doug tsked, wagging his finger at her. "That's not very nice."
"It's not." Utena huffed, and walked back into the bedroom, stretching and stifling a yawn. "But since when was I nice?"
"Good point." Doug called back. "Not for a long time."
"My point made." Utena retorted, throwing open her drawers and scavenging for clothes. She threw a clean blue tank top and a black knee-length skirt onto the bed, and quickly changed into those, running into the bathroom to brush her hair out, grimacing at the hard and brittle texture. What she wouldn't give for hair like Anthy's-- rich, volumous, dark, and shiny--
Shut up. She mouthed to herself. What the HELL are you thinking like that for?!
Summer nights were warm, but Utena decided, as an extra precaution, that she might as well bring a sweater or something anyway. Maybe that cute little jacket that Doug wore sometimes, the one with the fuzz on the collar. That was one of the advantages to having a gay roommate-- sometimes, they shopped in the women's department. And if they were the flamboyant type, you wouldn't be able to tell they were men's clothes at all. Or maybe she'd go with the beige half-length trench coat.
Taking way too long... Her conscience whispered to her, mockingly. You're taking too long for something you only consider a good meal!
Eyebrows twitching, not sure whether to grin or to frown in the mirror, Utena hurried outside, nearly tripping over her heeled sandals as she was putting them on. Earning another amused glance from Doug (who smirked in his freakishly annoying way) and a surprised look from Anthy, she picked up the phone and dialed the number, running her fingers through her hair, an act that she always did when she was nervous.
Hell, she wasn't nervous now. It was just dinner. Just dinner.
Right.
"Hello-- Reson residence."
Reson. Utena thought. So that's her last name?
"Um... hi. This is Utena. Tenjou." She mentally cursed herself. She was sounding like an absolute faggot already. "May I speak with Jerry, please?"
"She's been expecting you." The voice on the other end had a tinge of amusement to it. "Please wait."
And so she waited, two pairs of eyes on her in their cramped dorm room, the blue ones belonging to Doug looking openly, the green ones belonging to Anthy looking furtively, timidly. Utena held her head up a little higher, just to show her, I'm not afraid of you. I can do whatever the hell I want. You can live in your fucking time warp, just don't drag me into it. Clean the house. Scrub the fucking toilets. Fold my fucking underwear. But whatever you do, don't interfere with my life.
"Jerry speaking." The voice said, and Utena felt it run over her like water. She shivered slightly, although was determined not to let Doug or Anthy see it.
"Hi..." She began, feeling the urge to bite her nails. "This is Utena... I think you left a message on my answering machine about dinner tonight?" She laughed, nervously, and cursed herself for sounding like an absolute idiot, again. "I was wondering, you know, if that offer was still open."
"Of course it is." Jerry said, laughing. "Of course."
"Good! Good--" Utena flushed. "Yeah."
"Where would you like to go?"
"Wherever. You know. Wherever you go."
"I go different places." Jerry replied simply, although the sentence itself was effused with all sorts of definitions. Utena shook her head mentally.
"You pick a place." Utena murmured.
"How about something French or Italian?" Jerry answered softly. "Those are usually the best places to go on a first date." Utena blanched, and could almost see the other person's smile. "If you consider it a date."
"A date-- a date--" She stammered, and would not acknowledge that Doug was trying NOT to laugh his balls off in the background.
"Should I come pick you up?" Jerry asked. "I could send someone around."
"Yeah... yeah.... that'd be great." Blue eyes blinked. "I'd like that."
"No problem at all. What time?" Jerry asked, although Utena was sure she already knew what time had been bubbled into her schedule. "Seven thirty?"
She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was six-forty-five. Sure, why not?
"Right. Okay. Sure." Utena murmured, voice sort of stuck in her throat.
"See you then." A barely audible smile, and then the click of a phone being hung up.
"The HELL." She muttered to herself, rubbing her face, wondering if she pinched herself, she would wake up. Probably not.
"Well, have fun, princess!" Doug spoke up, giving Anthy a hearty slap on the back, and she almost fell over. "Miss Quiet and I will play some trivial pursuit while you go out on your..." he paused to wiggle his eyebrows, "date. Jerry's a wonderful person. I knew her back in middle school--"
"We've heard this before." Utena sighed, slumping down on to a kitchen chair. "I've heard it."
"Good times." Doug laughed.
"So."
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, I guess."
"You guess?"
"Um... Yeah."
"If you say so." An enigmatic smile, and then eyes cast back out the window.
Well, they were getting somewhere, weren't they.
So Jerry had shown up in front of the ramshackle dorm apartments in her black Mercedes Benz (why was that so predictable?) and then had proceeded to come upstairs and knock on their door. Never mind that Utena was still fretting over what she was going to wear for the Good Meal, never mind that Doug had gotten to the door before she had (which was understandable, because she was, once again, only in her bra and a pair of black panties) and had welcomed Jerry quite enthusiastically. Never mind that they had sat down on the couch in the living room, and started talking like old friends (which they were), and never mind that Jerry had smiled That Smile at Anthy a few times as the dark-skinned girl served drinks. Never mind that Anthy had reciprocated with a benign smile of her own.
Utena fidgeted nervously in the passenger's seat, watching Jerry's manicured hands on the steering wheel, her hands tugging at the hem of her simple black dress. Yes, finally, Utena had decided to go with a Simple Black, boat neck, mid-thigh. Simple Black was just that, easy on the eyes, nothing too extravagant. Once she had stepped out, Jerry stood up, setting the tea cup down, and admired her with all the duty a first date should deserve.
Except it wasn't a date.
The inside of your mouth is all black.
Utena blinked, and then shook her head, dismissing the thought.
"We're going to Pierrot's tonight." Jerry said, looking over at Utena, whose head snapped up. "Have you heard of it?"
"No," Utena said, almost embarrassed, suddenly wishing that she was as rich, as High Up There on top of the hierarchy, as Jerry was. But it wasn't her fault. Stupid blue-collar family.
Car crash.
River.
Drowning.
Prince?
"Ah." Jerry smiled That Smile again, and Utena felt her fingers tighten around her dress hem. Turquoise eyes seemed to speak on their own, and then they looked away again. "What can I say about it... their dishes are excellent. Do you like seafood?"
She hated seafood.
"Yes."
"They also have pasta... although I have to warn you, the pasta entrees are just there to fill up space on the menu."
"And their seafood pasta?" Utena managed, trying for humor.
"Unthinkable." Jerry murmured, an enigmatic smile floating about her lips. But it seemed she was amused.
They came to rest in front of a stoplight, and the lawyer sighed, leaning her head back against the headrest.
"Are you okay?" Utena found herself asking, and then mentally kicked herself. What a stupid question. Of course she was okay. A simple thing such as throwing your head back against the headrest didn't mean you were going to have a heart attack.
"I'm sorry." Jerry turned her head, making eye contact again. "They appointed a new defense attorney for the Northcut trial-- apparently I was their second choice. It was short notice, though. I was at the court all day."
"Then you shouldn't have called--" Utena started, then broke off. She received a bemused glance from Jerry, who looked away when the light turned green. Utena felt the car lurch slightly as they began to accelerate again. "I mean-- you were tired. You are tired. After working all day--"
And once again, she sounded like an idiot.
Jerry seemed not to notice her babble. "I called you during the court lunch recess, but I think you had a class session...?"
"Yeah... Doug and I were in psychology."
"Interesting field." Jerry said, smiling again, the folds of skin around her eyes crinkling slightly. "I used to take that. If you know a person's psyche well enough, you can guess what they're going to say next, you can guess what they're going to do next. Like mind reading."
"It comes in handy?" Utena couldn't help but smile. The person sitting next to her was a lawyer, after all.
"It does." Jerry looked back at her. Utena suppressed a shiver.
They turned a corner and stopped. Utena saw a man standing there in a blue jacket and white pants, his hair slightly pinkish under the light of the street lamp, waiting to cross the road. His fingers were slightly intertwined with another person's, shorter than he, green eyes cast down, dark-skinned, light-haired, wearing a maroon windbreaker. They crossed the road in silence, not bothering the look up, seemingly absorbed with each other, or other matters.
"Do you know them?" Jerry asked, noticing Utena's scrutiny as she looked out the window as well.
"No." Utena cast her glance back to the steering wheel, to Jerry's hands.
"Forgive me for saying so--" Jerry laughed softly. "The dark-skinned man resembles your roommate, doesn't he?"
"Doug?"
"No... Anthy, I think her name was?"
Utena stared back at the retreating forms of the two men, watched them disappear into the shadows. She couldn't tell. But perhaps, yes. Maybe the guy did look like Anthy. Himemiya.
Himemiya?
Princess--
Utena nodded, blankly. "Yeah. Looks like her."
And then she was silent.