Cody stared at her ceiling. It was five-thirty in the morning, and she had been up since three. Last night, she had been basking the…whatever it was…'afterglow', she thought it was called. She hadn't really been thinking about, well, anything. But this morning she had came to her senses. She wasn't going to pretend that it was some magical night of 'de-flowering' as Adena, much to Cody's annoyance, often referred to it as. A virgin Cody Myers was not. She couldn't even chalk it up to a one-night stand, a night of drinking, or pressure from a controlling boyfriend. There had been a couple guys, no one she was very serious with, but none were strangers; they were all nice enough. She was just a kid having fun, not realizing she'd regret it later. She could, however, admit she had never cared about anyone the way she did about Squib. And that in itself made the night kind of special, to her, anyways. The night had been…eloquent, awakening, refreshing, yet so very…real. She had always been rather poetic; she was, after all, an artist. But regardless, Cody had a boyfriend, and she also had morals. For the first time throughout the weekend, she felt guilt creeping up. She half wished that the night had taken place in Squib's room, so she could sneak out and organize her thoughts before he woke up.
She liked Evan, really. He was safe, and comfortable, and there were never any games with him. He wasn't an angst-fest one day, then just a friend the next, and then sweet the day after that. He was a good boyfriend, who said all the right things. And truthfully, although the relationship may have started out as a way to get over Squib, she had developed feelings for him.
Squib, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. She and squib had next to nothing in common; he played tennis and she was into art. He rarely ever said the right thing, usually resorting to insults and jokes because Squib was the kind of person who just couldn't face up to his feelings, even if he wanted to. And when he did try to be sweet, more often then not it came out wrong and he just offended her anyways. The boy had oodles of baggage, what with his past and his parents' pressure. Not to mention the issue of Ryan, which in itself was more drama than Cody and Evan had put together. They often disagreed on a lot of issues; he never failed to make her mad at least once a day. And then there was that stupid cycle they were stuck in. Cody would try to help or do something nice and somehow upset him, he would get into trouble and she'd bail him out, they'd have a couple days of puppy-love sweetness, and then it'd start all over again. Theoretically, on paper, it was the type of relationship every girl tried to avoid. One that, when she thought about it, she should probably get out of for the sake of her mental health. But she couldn't help it. It was Squib.
She sighed. She needed to get out of there, to think, to clear her head. She got up, quickly slipping on some jeans and a sweatshirt, and snuck out the door.
Squib lay on his side, fully awake but eyes still closed. He knew, from taking a quick glance at the clock, that it was five-thirty in the morning. He also knew Cody was awake; he could hear her breathing beside him, every so often letting a deep sigh escape her lips. He worried about what would happen if he drew her attention to the fact that he was awake. He, himself, felt no guilt about that night. He knew it was arrogant and full of 'that macho guy crap' as the girls called it, but he knew Cody first, before Evan, and he cared for her more. Not to sound possessive, because Cody was definitely not a trophy girlfriend, she was too special for that, but she was his girl.
Last night had been…well, he had never been very poetic. He was, after all, a tennis player, not some artist. But it had been something. All the other times had been about being a man and being able to brag to his friends. He was a boy who wanted to grow up, and had found a way to do it. But last night had been about her, about Cody. Three months of hurt and fighting and awkward moments and passion had come undone.
Cody, though, would have second thoughts about it. He knew she would. Cody was not the type of girl to cheat on her boyfriend, no matter how much or little she cared for either of them. His only regret about the night was what her reaction would be. He feared she'd panic, or realize she'd made a mistake, and then they'd be back, yet again, to square one. Maybe if they could just talk…
He heard the sheet rustling and felt her get out of bed. He listened quietly as she dressed and walked out the door.
Yep. Back to square one.
Cody wandered around the grounds of Cascadia, thankful that everyone would most likely be sleeping in due to the fact that the Coach had left Saturday morning and was not scheduled to return until that evening. She had to talk to Squib, she knew she did. What she was going to say, however, was a different matter. Truthfully, she didn't know what she wanted. It wasn't just the issue of Evan, but of New York as well. Long distance relationships were not a good thing, they never were. She had only been back twice in three months. Is that what she wanted? To only be able to see her boyfriend two weekends every three months, most of which would be taken up by practice and friends? She knew it wasn't. True, she hadn't adjusted to New York yet, after three months. But it was getting better. She felt comfortable talking to the people there, beginning to see them as friends rather than just classmates. And if she felt truly alone, she could always seek comfort in Evan. But her New York friends liked to go to concerts and parties, which was fun. But she knew they weren't the type of people who made pacts or got themselves locked in the gym overnight, and the thought made her almost sad. She sighed and headed towards the back courts.
Squib sighed as he swung his racquet, sending the little green ball at the wall once more. He wondered if he should maybe seek out Cody, but he knew she needed time. He was almost angry with her; he knew what she would say. It was a mistake, shouldn't have happened…the usual. And she said he was indecisive. He was getting a little sick of this game. Several times in the past three months he had thought he and Cody had finally moved past everything, and even more times he thought he would never see her again. As much as he cared about her, this relationship, if he could call it that, was a lot of stress.
But, he had to remind himself, it wasn't always like this. Only during the last three months had things gotten so complicated. If only things could go back to normal, back to the time when she'd be in the stands cheering for him, even if Sunny was leading 40-Love. Back to when they're sneak around after lights out and she's reluctantly help him with his weird schemes. Back to when he didn't mind all that much if Rick or Sunny or Gunnerson or any of the various other peoples at Cascadia interrupted them, because he knew she's always be there and it would happen when it happened. Back to when they were teenagers, instead of the adults this whole situation made Squib feel like.
He heard the shuffle of feet behind him, and willed himself to turn around. A part of him resisted, hoping that maybe if he didn't see her, he could buy a few more minutes before the conversation he knew would not end good. He did, however, turn to face her.
Cody honestly hadn't expected him to be out here. When she had left, she'd thought he'd been fast asleep. He was here, though, and she supposed now was as good a time as any to get it over with.
"Look, Squib," She started. Not even an awkward 'hey' Squib thought this is going to be worse that I imagined. "Last night," she continued…
"Shouldn't have happened and can't happen again," he cut her off, "I know, I know," he realized it had come out harsher than he intended, but he didn't really care at that point.
"Why are you so mad?" She asked, sounding slightly shocked and a little accusatory, "You were part of it, too!"
"I know I was," he countered, "and I know I was part of that kiss, too. But I'm not the one who keeps backing out afterwards!"
"You think this is easy?" She cried, "I have…"
He cut her off again, "A boyfriend, a life in New York! I know Cody, I've heard it all!"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, fighting back tears. Had Squib not been so angry at the moment, he would've felt guilty. He was, however, and he simply stood and waited for her response. "I'm sorry, okay," she spoke, "I know I screwed everything up, and I wish it was easy, but it's not."
"Especially not when you have Mr. Perfect and a brand new life in the Big Apple," he mocked.
"Shut up!" She screamed, "Just shut up! You have no idea what I'm feeling right now! You have no idea how hard this whole thing has been for me! You have no right to criticize me, this is my life, not yours!"
"You're right, it's your life, and I'm obviously not a part of that anymore," he said coldly.
"I guess not," she said quietly, as if defeated. "I guess I'll go then. I have to pack."
"Have fun in New York," he mumbled, turning back to the wall and continuing his hitting. He didn't even have the energy to fight for her. He cared about her, probably more than he had cared about anyone else, even Ryan. But he was tired and hurt, and Gary Furlong knew when to quit.
A part of her wished he would fight, ask her to stay. But she knew it was best that he didn't, because she probably would. Besides, them being angry at each other was easier than them separating having admitted their feelings for each other. This way she wouldn't be plagued by the doubts and 'what ifs'. This way it final; she knew. She didn't like it, but she knew. Her and Squib were over. The sad part was they had gone through a year of ups and downs and great moments and huge fights, and all for nothing; it never got them anywhere.
She took one last sad look at his back, and then slowly turned and walked away. Her dad would be home soon, and she had a plane to catch.
Squib knew she was gone. It was that feeling you get when someone's staring at you, and you can feel it when they look away. He didn't care, he told himself. She'd made her choice, and it didn't include him. He swung angrily at the tennis ball, taking out his frustrations on the fussy green instrument. He stayed out there until three o'clock, when he was sure Cody was gone, the only sound he could hear was the ball slamming against the faded gray wall.
I hear the clock, it's 6am
I feel so far away from where I've been
Got my eggs, and my pancakes too
Got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off of the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know, that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
Picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
Saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know, that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day
Brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book, Turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know, that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
-Jewel 'You Were Meant For Me'