Psycho Pineapple Demon: Greetings all and welcome to my very first fanfic! This fic has been a long while in the works-
Bakura: snickers More like you were too lazy to put it up…
PPD: glares Shush you! I can't help it if I'm lazy! And besides, I was having trouble coming up with a title for it, not to mention a penname for myself…
Bakura: Why didn't you just call yourself 'Stupid Baka of an Authoress'? I think it suits you quite nicely. grins
PPD: growls What…! Right, that's it, you're going down! tackles Bakura, throwing him to the ground, before wrapping her fingers around Bakura's neck in an attempt to strangle him Ha! See if you can insult me now with no oxygen supply!
Bakura: turning blue, attempts to say something but it only comes out garbled
PPD: cocks head Sorry, were you trying to say something?
Bakura: still choking Mmph!
Ryou: sighs, shaking head Ra, you'd think Bakura would have learnt by now not to anger the authoress… -.-;
Malik: Yeah, but that's what makes Bakura so special, the fact that he's robbed all the pyramids in Egypt (or so he claims…) and he can do all these other cool thief things, but when it comes to general common sense, he doesn't have a clue!
Bakura: glares – or rather, he would glare, but there ain't enough oxygen going to his brain for him to do so
Ryou: nods I'd have to agree with you there. Bakura isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the draw, is he?
Malik: laughs Yeah, when you put it that way, his own knife collection looks so much more intelligent…
Bakura: tries to growl, but for reasons afore mentioned, finds he can't
Ryou: looks over at PPD, who is still strangling Bakura while yelling various death threats at him Much as I hate to admit it, PPD should probably stop strangling Bakura, otherwise we'll never get this fic started!
PPD: looks up at the word 'fic' Oh crap! You're right! quickly stops strangling Bakura, much to his relief Sorry about that! I tend to get so easily distracted sometimes…And don't you dare laugh, Bakura, or I'll strangle you to death this time, fic or no fic.
Bakura: tries to look innocent Who, me?
PPD: glares Yes, you! Don't act all innocent with me, it won't work! But now, to more important matters…This fic is my very first one, so if it doesn't sound so great, please bare with me! I've tried my best to make it humorous, but I know sometimes no one gets my sense of humour…Oh, and there will be three oc's in this fic, two of which will be introduced in the second chapter, while the other will be introduced later, don't ask me when, cos I don't know…O.o
And also, this fic does NOT contain yaoi, much as I like it, so don't flame me about it! If you want yaoi fics, go look in my favourite stories or authors, there's some great ones in there! This fic is also pro-Tea, so Tea-bashers, you have been warned. Read it if you want, but I don't want anyone flaming me because I'm portraying her in a nice light. I don't want to hear it, okay? For anyone who is pro-Tea, she won't be appearing in the first chapters – actually, a fair few of the characters won't – until about chapter 4 or 5.
And no, I am NOT including Tristan and Duke in this fic, mainly cos they annoy to me no end, and I think there is no point in them being in the series. So, sorry to any fans of their's who may actually be reading this fic, but, once, again, don't flame me about it, cos I certainly won't be having them in this fic, and no amount of pleading is going to change that. Marik, however, will be in this fic, I'm just not pairing him with anyone, cos it's more fun having him as a crazy, psycho yami!
WARNINGS: (I'm making this bit bold in case no one bothered reading the above) This fic is: pro-Tea, non-yaoi, has OOC characters, and contains some cussing, so NO ONE flame me about any of the above.
Pairings:
Ryou/OC
Bakura/OC
Malik/OC
Yugi/Tea
Yami/Isis
Joey/Mai
Kaiba/Serenity
Also, here's a key:
"Talking"
'Thoughts'
/Hikari to Yami/
Yami to Hikari
And now for the wonderful disclaimer!
Disclaimer: OMG I actually won 1st prize…! You're kidding me. So what's the prize? WHAT! POSSESSION OF YGO! YAHOOOOOOOOOO! starts doing a victory dance but stops as some random dude comes up and whispers in her ear WHAT? THAT WAS JUST A JOKE! WHAT KIND OF SICK-MINDED PEOPLE ARE YOU! And I was so close too…sigh
I think you can all get the meaning of that…anyway, on with the fic!
Chapter 1: There's an Insane Yami on My Roof…
Bakura sat on the couch, his legs hanging over the arms at the side, as he lazily flicked through the channels on the TV. Deciding that there was nothing worth watching, he sighed and threw the remote control at the TV (missing by a wide mark too). (Bakura: Hey it's not my fault the remote control wouldn't listen to me! Stupid technology it should know that I am the almighty Bakura and everything must bow down to me! Mwahahahaha! PPD: Yeah sure Bakura…) Sighing again in frustration, he looked up towards where Ryou's room was.
Ryou! Get your fuckin' ass down here right now!
/Bakura! How dare you use such language! How many times have I told you that it's bad manners to swear at people/
Bakura sent him a mental shrug in reply. Whatever. I don't give a shit about that. Anyway, I'm bored.
/…bored/
Yeah. I need something to do.
/Would this something have anything to do with Marik/
Marik? Who said anything about involving Marik?Bakura tried his best to sound innocent but failed miserably.
Ryou mentally rolled his eyes and sighed. /You always get up to mischief with Marik./
Bakura gave a fake gasp of shock. Mischief? How can you call what we do mischief! That's just insulting! We're not just some school kids running around playing pranks on people!
/Oh really? What do you call it then/
Psychoness! Hey is there such a word? Oh well who cares there is now. I, Bakura the Great Tomb Robber, say it is so! I am almighty and powerful and what I say goes! If you don't like it you can just go to hell! Or maybe the shadow realm would be better…ah the possibilities…And anyway, I've got a reputation to uphold you know! If I didn't run around doing things that seem absolutely crazy and downright strange to everyone else except me, I couldn't call myself psycho anymore! And if that happened the world would come to an end!
Ryou sighed again. He could feel a headache coming on, which quite often happened when you had a crazy yami such as Bakura. The fact that it had occurred many times before didn't lessen the pain either.
/Sure thing Bakura. But that still doesn't excuse what you did to Kaiba last time./
Kaiba? That stuck up prick? Why would I do anything to him?
/Hmmm, beats me/ Ryou replied sarcastically. /Could it be that you don't like Kaiba that much? Wow, that's got to be the surprise of the century. But I don't think Kaiba normally goes running up to Isis and proposing to her before kissing her on the lips and declaring his undying love to her./
Hey that wasn't my idea! Marik came up with it! It was his Millennium Rod that was controlling Kaiba!
/Oh please./ Ryou scoffed. /As if I'm going to believe that, Bakura. I know you too well./
Hmph. Damn hikari. You never believe me.Bakura's tone was rather sulky as he said this. Well, I guess I'll just have to show you what happened, then, won't I?
/What the hell are you talking about/ Ryou began, but he was cut off as a series of images were projected into his mind. There were all jumbled and merged together, so much so that Ryou could barely distinguish one from the other, let alone discern show what they actually showed. /Bakura, what on earth/
Just shut up, hikari.Bakura growled. You want to know so much what happened? Well, now you can see. And then maybe you'll actually believe me.
Ryou snorted. /Hah, as if that's going to happen anytime soon./
Did you not hear me, or are you going deaf? I said shut up, and you'd better, cos otherwise you'll miss what I'm about to show you, and I certainly ain't going to explain what happened if you are stupid enough not to watch.
Ryou sighed. He knew his yami well, and if there was one thing he had learned it was that sometimes it was just better to not argue with him, whether his pride liked it or not. Bakura would probably end up getting his way anyway, and it couldn't hurt to see what the two psychos had gotten up to, right?
Bakura grinned to himself, pleased that he had won over his hikari. Alright! Hold onto your seats, and grab some popcorn if you've got time, cos you're about to witness one of the most important and exciting events in history!he cried melodramatically.
/…Bakura, you're just showing me what happened. It's not that exciting, really./
…So! I'm allowed to be melodramatic if I want to be! And I certainly ain't about to listen to criticism from you!
/…Whatever, Bakura. Just get on with it, will you/
No need to get impatient, missy.
/Bakura! I am not a girl! How many times must I tell you that/
Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Ryou. You do look kinda girly though, you know. Especially with that long white hair of yours, not to mention your feminine features…
/Bakura…/ Ryou growled dangerously.
Alright, alright! I'll stop already! No need to get so impatient…ma'am.Bakura couldn't resist adding the last bit, though he knew Ryou would probably kill him for it.
/BAKURA! I AM GOING TO COME DOWN THERE AND SLIT YOUR STOMACH OPEN, AND THEN I'M GOING TO MAKE A NOOSE USING YOUR ENTRAILS, AND I AM GOING TO HANG YOU TO THE CEILING WITH IT, AND THEN YOU CAN DIE! DIIIIIIEEEEEE/ (A/N: Eeewwwww, that's rather graphic…um, if you don't like it, just ignore that bit, I have a strange imagination sometimes…)
Wow, you sure have some violent tendencies, don't you?Bakura commented casually.
/You're one to talk/ Ryou retorted angrily. /…But let's just forget about that for now, alright? I wanna see what you wanted to show me, and I know I can get revenge later…he he, revenge…/ Ryou started to cackle evilly to himself. Bakura was, needless to say, rather disturbed by this.
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea to me.Bakura replied somewhat nervously.
Ryou grinned to himself. His yami nervous? And because of him too? Well, that was certainly a first. He'd have to rib him about it later. Once again Ryou started cackling evilly to himself, but he was cut off as the flow of images in his mind was restored once again, only this time they were much more coherent. As the images became clearer, Ryou realised that what Bakura was showing him was kind of like a movie, only this one was showing what Bakura had described to him. Smiling, Ryou leaned back slightly, wondering what it was that Bakura was about to show him.
The 'camera', if it could be called that, zoomed onto a bush, revealing Bakura and Marik hiding behind it, whispering to each other.
"You think she'll actually come?" Bakura whispered to Marik.
"Hell yeah," Marik whispered back. "If I know Isis, she certainly won't be able to resist coming, if only to see Yami."
Bakura snorted. "What, we're relying on just an 'if'? Geez, Marik, couldn't you have been more sure about this?"
Marik glared back at him. "Well, excuse me. Look who's talking now! You were the one who was sprouting all these 'what if'' situations at me before, like, 'what if she doesn't get the note?' and such crap. And yes, I am sure that she will come." He snickered softly. "I've been watching her lately, and I've seen the way she acts around Yami. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she has a crush on him!"
"A crush on him, eh?" Bakura mused. "Well, that certainly makes things more interesting…But what about that damn Pharaoh? How does he feel about her?"
Marik smirked. "Well, I can't be absolutely sure, but I'd say he feels the same way about her. That's why this going to be even more amusing for us, once both of them turn up."
Bakura nodded his head in agreement, grinning maliciously. "I'll say. Especially now it seems that stupid baka of a pharaoh actually has a crush on someone. Heh, this'll certainly be good for blackmail…"
Marik laughed. "True…though, quite personally, I found all this mushy stuff quite disgusting. Love is for babies and for sheltered people who don't understand that in the real world, there is no time for love. There is only time for darkness, pain, suffering, violence…and for me to RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Bakura, by now used to Marik's insane cackling, frowned, drifting off into his own thoughts.
Marik stopped laughing evilly to himself as he noticed his friend's strange silence. Normally Bakura would have laughed at him, or come up with some sarcastic comeback, as he tended to do. But being silent…that was certainly unusual, especially for Bakura.
Puzzled, Marik started to wave a hand in front of Bakura's face. "Hello? Anybody in there?"
Bakura jumped, being abruptly brought out of his daze. "Huh? What's going on? Are they here yet?"
Marik chuckled, shaking his head. "No, my friend, they are not here yet. No need to get so jumpy." He paused, a frown crossing his features as he glanced worriedly at Bakura. "Are you alright? You looked a bit out of it before…"
Bakura looked away. There was a strange look in his eyes, one which Marik couldn't place. "Yeah, I'm fine…Say, where is Kaiba anyway? Is he even still here?" he asked, quickly changing the subject.
Marik smirked. "Oh course he's here! I'm controlling him using this, remember?" He held up his Millennium Rod, grinning as it sparkled in the sparse sunlight which managed to trickle through the canopy of leaves above them. "He only does or says what I want him to do, and I certainly haven't told him to leave. See! He's standing over there."
He pointed towards a figure standing in a clearing just in front of the bushes they were currently hiding behind. Yes, it certainly couldn't be anyone else but Kaiba, not with the typical trench coat on…All the same, there was something different about him. Ryou (A/N: He's watching all of this, remember!) could see that his eyes, while still their usual striking sapphire blue, seemed to have lost some of their usual intensity. Not only that, but he was too still. Only by the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed in and out could one tell that he was still alive. That, and the fact that he was standing, not lying on the ground.
Suddenly there was a slight rustling noise near where Bakura and Marik were hiding. The two turned their heads quickly as a figure stepped out from the trees surrounding the clearing.
"It's her!" Bakura whispered excitedly.
"Yeah, I know," Marik whispered back. "But we'd both better shut up, otherwise they'll find out we're here, and that's the last thing we need." Bakura silently nodded his head in reply.
Isis glanced around the clearing, a slightly worried expression on her face. Her eyes widened visibly as her gaze fell on Kaiba, who stood about five steps in front of her. His gaze was calm as he stared back at her, his face totally devoid of emotion.
"Kaiba! What are you doing here?" Isis asked, the shock evident in her voice.
"Waiting for you," he replied coolly.
Isis gave him a surprised look at this. "Really? That's strange. I thought that Yami would be here. He did leave me a note saying he wanted to meet me here…" She blushed as she said this. "Speaking of which, you wouldn't have happened to have seen him around, would you?"
Kaiba shook his head. "Sorry. No, I haven't seen him here at all." ("Kaiba never says sorry!" Bakura whispered frantically to Marik. "Oh, shush. Isis hasn't noticed that small slip up, so what does it matter?" Marik retorted. Bakura just sighed and grumbled something to himself.)
Isis' face became downcast. "Oh, that's a pity. Maybe he's late or something…I just hope he hasn't gotten lost…" she said in a worried tone. An awkward silence fell between the two.
As the two stood there, Isis wondering what to say, and Kaiba wondering…hell, who knows what he was wondering, Bakura heard a slight rustling noise not far from where he and Marik where hidden. He soon worked out what the cause was (thanks to his wonderful thief senses) and tugged on Marik's sleeve, gaining his immediate attention.
"Look!" he whispered urgently, pointing his finger in the direction where the sound had come from.
Marik turned, his eyes widening momentarily as he realised what it was that Bakura was pointing at, before a malicious smirk crossed his features. "Well, well, looks like Fern-head finally made it. Took him long enough."
Bakura's own smirk mirrored the one on Marik's face. "Heh, looks like the pharaoh ain't quite as perfect as he would like to believe. And look, he's even stooped so low as to become a simple spy. Bet he couldn't resist seeing what it is Kaiba and Isis are talking about. Arrogant prat."
"True, but don't forget, this is exactly what we need for the plan to occur," Marik reminded him. "Speaking of which, now all three of them are here, let's get this show started, shall we?"
Bakura grinned. "I couldn't think of a better thing to do right now." Marik grinned back at him.
Kaiba cleared his throat, breaking the silence that hung between him and Isis. "Listen, Isis, there's something I need to tell you," he began.
"Can't this wait?" Isis answered, annoyed. "I'm worried about Yami. I think we should go look for him-"
"NO!" Kaiba hissed, and Isis flinched at his harsh tone. "Yami isn't important right now," he continued in a somewhat calmer tone of voice. "What's important is that I tell you…that…I love you." Isis gasped, shocked, and opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off. "No, listen to me. Isis, I love you. I love you with every fibre of my being, and with all of my heart. I have loved you ever since I first laid my eyes on your beautiful face, and I swear that I will love you until my dying breath." He paused briefly, letting his words sink in, before continuing. "So, are you willing to leave Yami for me? Because if you aren't, I will do everything I can to convince you that I am superior to Yami in every way, especially when it comes to loving you."
"W-what?" Isis stammered. "B-but, Kaiba, I-I don't-" She was cut off as Kaiba, taking a few steps forward to close the gap between them, pressed his lips against hers. Her eyes widened considerably and she quickly shoved him off her, a horrified look on her face.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!" a voice behind them roared. Both turned towards the sound behind them.
"Yami!" Isis cried, relief shining in her eyes. Yami turned towards her, his own eyes lighting up, and he smiled gently at her before turning back to Kaiba.
"Now might be a good time to let Kaiba go," Marik whispered to Bakura. Once again his Millennium Rod glowed, and a strange look came over Kaiba. His eyes went blank briefly before returning to them normal azure shade. He blinked, looking about wildly, a puzzled expression on his face.
"What's going on?" he asked. "Where am I?" His face became even more confused as he noticed Yami and Isis standing near him. "Isis? Yami? What the hell are you two doing here?"
"We could ask you the same thing," Yami replied in a low tone. It was obvious he was only just managing to keep his anger under control.
"I don't know," Kaiba replied, his voice clearly baffled. "One minute I was at my mansion, working, then someone came up and knocked me on the head, I blacked out, and when I woke up, I'm in the middle of nowhere with you two here. I'll be damned if I know what's going on!"
"Oh please," Yami sneered, rolling his eyes. "I'll bet you know exactly what's going on. Like, why you kissed MY girl!" Isis stared at Yami, surprised, but he didn't notice.
"Your girl?" Kaiba asked, confused. His gaze flickered towards Isis, and understanding dawned in his eyes. "Oh, is Isis now your girl? My, my, aren't we possessive," he snickered, smirking.
"Shut up!" Yami snapped, unable to hide the crimson staining his cheeks. "Now, answer me! Why were you kissing my girl – I mean, Isis?" His eyes glinted with anger.
"Isis! I never kissed her! Why would I do that?" Kaiba retorted angrily, his temper also rising.
"Liar!" Yami snarled. "I saw you kiss her with my own eyes! Not only that, but you also said that you loved her!"
Kaiba stared at him, wondering if he was hearing right. When both Yami and Isis remained silent, he decided that, despite the implications of what Yami had said, his hearing must still be intact. "WHAT! Have you gone totally mad! I do NOT love Isis! I don't love anyone, especially not her! You must be hearing things!"
"How dare you make such an accusation against me!" Yami growled, his voice rising in volume. "You're going to pay for kissing MY girl!" And with that, Yami lunged towards Kaiba, only to fall flat on his face as Kaiba neatly sidestepped him.
"Well, would you look at this!" Kaiba marvelled. "Here's a sight I never thought to see! The once almighty pharaoh lying down on the ground like a pathetic servant! In fact, it almost looks like he's bowing!"
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Yami roared, jumping to his feet, his eyes glinting dangerously.
Kaiba just laughed, not at all perturbed by the murderous look on Yami's face. "Heh, you'll have to catch me first!" He then ran straight into the trees, not bothering to look back.
"COME BACK HERE, YOU GIRL-KISSING-THIEF!" Yami hollered before chasing after him. (Bakura: Hey, 'thief' is MY title!)
Isis stood there for a few moments, looking slightly confused as to what had actually happened. "Wait! Yami! Come back here!" she cried, and then raced after them, disappearing into the trees.
Marik and Bakura waited for a few moments, listening to the shouts and yelling coming from the direction Kaiba had gone. When all was silent again, they both burst out laughing, rolling around on the ground in glee.
"Oh, Ra! That was hilarious! Did you see the look on Yami's face when Kaiba kissed her?" Bakura asked once he eventually stopped laughing.
"Hell yeah!" Marik replied. "It was simply priceless! He looked like he was about to strangle him! And as for Isis…he he, guess this proves that she and Yami do like each other! Gosh, I can't wait to tell Malik about this!"
Bakura snickered. "Yeah, bet he'll wish he'd come with us. You know, the only thing that was missing was a camera."
"Damn! I knew I forgot to bring something!" Marik cried, then shrugged his shoulders. "Ah well, no matter. I think the memories of that little prank will be enough to keep me amused for a while. Not to mention that I can really tease Isis about her little crush…"
"Damn straight. Well, I don't mean to be boastful – well, okay, fine I do – but I have to say that certainly went better than planned."
"Hell yeah! We definitely make a great team!" Marik agreed, high five-ing Bakura. Then, both still laughing, they left the clearing, talking animatedly amongst themselves about the great prank they'd just pulled off.
Gradually the images Ryou was watching blackened until they was just a blank screen with "THE END" flashing across it in bright neon colours.
/So…that was what happened/ Ryou eventually asked.
Yep! And wasn't it great! Heh, I haven't seen anything that hilarious in a long time!Bakura replied, sniggering.
Ryou smiled to himself. He certainly couldn't deny that it had been quite amusing, though it went against his polite and courteous instincts to say so.
/True…/ Ryou conceded. /But that doesn't mean that you should have done it! I know how much you hate Yami, but what did Kaiba and Isis do to you/
Bakura rolled his eyes. Sometimes his hikari was just too nice and innocent for his own good.
Well, for starters, Kaiba is an insufferable bastard who needs someone to kick his ass and put him back in that hell hole where he came from, which is just what we did. You should be grateful, we definitely deflated some of Kaiba's ego!
/Well, okay, I have to agree with you there, but what about Isis? I know she's Malik's sister but she's definitely a lot less psycho and more sane than he ever will be/
Actually, that wasn't me who chose her, it was Marik. He said he was doing it partly for his own twisted goals, but also for Malik. Malik apparently is still pissed off at her for ruining his chances at getting revenge on Yami.
/Geez, you'd think he'd just get over it already./
Maybe, but this is Malik we're talking about.
/…good point./
Before either could say anymore, the doorbell chose to ring. Startled, Ryou quickly burst out of his room. "I'll get it!" he shouted cheerfully while sliding down the stairs banister.
Bakura blinked. "Aibou, are you sure it's a good idea to go sliding down that..." He cringed as a loud THUD was heard from near the front door.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"
Bakura poked his head around and burst into fits of laughter at the sight of lying before him. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I told you you'd hurt yourself sliding down that thing one day! But you never listened did you? Then again, this is amusing for me…"
"Shut up," Ryou mumbled dizzily from the floor where he was lying, his face looking like this: xx "Why is the roof spinning around? Ugh…"
At that moment the doorbell rung again…several times. "Ooh, my poor head…" Ryou moaned before getting up slowly. Wavering unsteadily on his feet, he shouted "OI! WATCH WHOSE DOORBELL YOU'RE RINGING! SOME PEOPLE ARE IN PAIN DOWN HERE!"
Wincing, he put a hand on his forehead. 'Note to self: never shout when your head feels like it is about to burst and your yami is still cackling away at your predicament.'
Bakura blinked, surprised at his hikari's sudden outburst, before bursting into laughter again.
"WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY!" Ryou demanded, scowling angrily.
"That was an uncharacteristic outburst, my dear aibou, and I'm pleased to see you're finally learning some useful skills. Guess I have rubbed off onto you. But, wonderful though that achievement is, you happen to be facing the wrong way. I do believe the front door is behind you," Bakura replied, smirking.
Ryou blinked and quickly pivoted, amazed to see that Bakura was actually right…for once. "I guess you're right," he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his still sore head with his hand.
Bakura snickered. "Of course I'm right. I'm Bakura the Tomb Robber, and-
"Yeah, yeah, I know, you've got far more knowledge and wisdom than me, blah blah blah. I've heard it before, Bakura. I could practically recite your little speech for you. Would you like me to?"
Bakura growled at Ryou's untimely interruption. He opened his mouth to give Ryou a verbal blasting, but Ryou cut in again, much to his extreme annoyance.
"Shouldn't we actually open the door? Whoever's outside has probably been waiting outside for a while, and it'd be a shame if they were to stand there so long they turned into piles of dust while we sit and argue over something that's not even that important."
Bakura's eyes flashed in fury, but he managed to restrain his anger, though only just. "Fine," he snapped, turning his back angrily like a little kid who was sulking and storming up the stairs to his room.
Grinning at his victory over Bakura, Ryou turned around and, facing the right direction this time, opened the door, only to find himself face to face with a certain blonde psychopath.
"Gah! Malik! What are you doing here!" Ryou cried, his eyes widening in momentary surprise.
"I turned over a new leaf and have decided that I don't need to be evil anymore! The world needs more love! Come on, come help me chuck flowers and pretty things everywhere, let's go spread our message of peace to the world!" Malik replied, little sparkly lights coming into his eyes as he clasped his hands together gleefully.
Ryou raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. "You serious about that?"
Malik rolled his eyes, his 'nice' demeanour instantly vanishing. "Of course not! Do I look like I'm going to give up being evil up anytime soon! You've got to be kidding, it's too much fun!"
Ryou stared at him for moment before sighing. "Never mind. What are you here for anyway?"
"I'd love to be able to say I'm plotting another evil plan to take over the world, but, truth be told, me and Marik here are bored," Malik replied.
Ryou sweatdropped. "Bored? What is it with you evil guys and not being able to entertain yourselves!" He paused and looked around. "Speaking of which, where is your yami anyway?"
Malik's eyes widened in horror as he quickly glanced around. "Oh shit! I totally forgot about him! Crap, he's probably up to some mischief again…Why me?" he moaned. His eyes closed for a moment and Ryou could tell he must be using the mind link to determine Marik's current location.
Malik's eyes suddenly snapped open as he began cursing profusely. Ryou couldn't tell exactly what he was saying, but he did manage to discern something about wacko, baka yamis, stupid pills which don't even work, and why did he have to be cursed with such a psycho yami who really didn't know what being normal meant.
Ryou raised an eyebrow. "Um…Malik?" he asked tentatively.
"What!" Malik snapped, stopping his swearing briefly to glare at Ryou for his third interruption that day.
Ryou flinched, but continued anyway. "Well…what's the problem? It can't be good the way you're cursing…"
"My stupid baka of a yami is currently on your roof!" Malik yelled, looking like he was about to hurt anyone who came near him. The fact that Ryou was the person who was currently closest to him didn't bother Ryou though. His eyes were too busy becoming the size of tennis balls for him to really notice this sudden danger to his life.
"OO The ROOF! What the heck is he doing up there!" Ryou cried.
"How should I know! He's just up there, who knows why he does anything?" Marik retorted. He sighed and raised his hands imploringly to the heavens. "Why me! What did I ever do to deserve this?" He paused as he thought about that last statement. "…aside from plotting to take over the world, kidnapping and taking over people's minds and all that stuff…" he quickly added.
Ryou sweatdropped. "Uh…right…what were those pills you were talking about anyway? You on drugs or something? Not that it would surprise me if you were…"
Malik's eyes grew wide and fearful as he suddenly started glancing around as though he expected a Man Eater Bug to pop out from the nearest bush and grab him. (Bakura: Go, my evil minion, destroy them all! Bwahahahahaha!) "I don't have any drugs, officer, I swear! At least, the guy on the corner said they weren't drugs…But don't arrest me officer! I'm a minor, I've got rights! You can't do this to me! Nooooooooooo!"
Malik dropped to his knees suddenly and grabbed onto Ryou's pants, much to his disturbance. Looking up with worry-filled eyes, he pleaded, "Please don't hurt me! I didn't do anything, I swear!"
"Get. Off. Me," Ryou growled.
Malik, not wanting to anger Ryou any further, quickly did as he was told. "Wow, you're becoming more and more like Bakura every day," he commented nonchalantly.
Ryou shrugged. "It was bound to happen sometime. You know, you never did explain to me exactly what those pills were that you were going on about…" Malik gave him a blank look. "Those ones you were rambling on about your yami before," Ryou supplied helpfully. A look of comprehension dawned on Malik's face.
"Oh, those pills. Yeah, the doctor told me and Isis to give them to him-"
"You managed to get him to see the doctor?" Ryou interrupted, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. Malik nodded.
"Yeah. It took a while, not to mention a whole heap of tranquilizers, but at least we didn't have to get him into a straitjacket!" Malik chirped cheerfully. Ryou stared at him before carefully taking a step back.
"So…what exactly are the pills for?" Ryou asked.
"Marik was getting really out of hand, always going out on killing rampages or trying to send people to the shadow realm, that sort of thing," Malik explained. "Isis and I tried everything to keep him at home, even tying him to a chair and handcuffing him, but he somehow managed to chew through the ropes and handcuffs…"
"Chewed…through…them…?" Ryou repeated slowly.
"Well, the handcuffs had tooth marks all over them – Isis said it was from Marik gnawing on them – and he was gone…It was so annoying, you wouldn't believe how much they cost…Anyway, Isis and I had run out of ideas of how to restrain him, so we took him to the doctor. He was a bit freaked out at first ("I wonder why," Ryou muttered under his breath) but eventually he agreed to prescribe him these tablets. He said they would calm him down but it seems to have done the opposite…"
Ryou sweatdropped again. "You don't say. Um, why don't we just go and try to get him down before he really does some damage, not only to himself but also my house? I don't think Bakura is in the mood to have a dark, insane yami who is obviously on…something…suddenly crash into his bedroom."
Before Malik could reply, there was a sudden shout from above them, followed by the sound of breaking timber and a large CRASH!
"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Malik and Ryou heard Marik scream.
"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! CAN'T A GUY HAVE SOME PRIVACY AROUND HERE!" This, of course, was our one and only favourite albino tomb robber.
"This can't be good…" Malik muttered to himself.
"00 MY ROOF!" Ryou wailed.
"YOU IDIOT OF A BLONDE BOMBSHELL! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY ROOM!" Malik and Ryou instinctively winced as they heard Bakura's shouting from inside the house.
"BLONDE BOMBSHELL! WHO THEY HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE INSULTING!"
"Uh…Marik?"
"Well, that was obvious…BUT WATCH YOUR MOUTH, YOU LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A TOMB ROBBER!"
"WHAT! HOW DARE YOU, YOU BLONDE PORCUPINE! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M A LOT OLDER THAN YOU AND AM FAR WISER AND MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU EVER WILL BE!"
"For once I'd agree with you…BUT THAT'S ONLY ON THE OLDER BIT! OF COURSE YOU'RE OLDER! HECK YOU COULD BE MY GREAT GREAT GREAT…um…let me think for a second here…WELL A LOT OF GREATS GRANDFATHER! HECK, I'M AMAZED YOU DON'T NEED A WALKING STICK OR WHEELCHAIR JUST TO GET AROUND!"
"OLD! WELL YOU'RE JUST A KID COMPARED TO ME! HECK YOU'RE YOUNGER THAN MY WEAKLING OF A HIKARI RYOU! (Ryou: sniff I'm not feeling the love here…) WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO FIND YOUR NAPPY AND DUMMY AND GO BACK TO YOUR MUMMY (A/N Hey that rhymes! ), IF SHE EVEN LOVES YOU. I KNOW I WOULDN'T IF I WAS YOUR MOTHER!"
"WELL, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE GOOD LOOKS, UNLIKE YOU OLD GRANDPA! NO WONDER NO GIRLS CHASE AFTER YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO MANY WRINKLES FOR THEM TO BE INTERESTED!"
"WHY YOU LITTLE…! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I DON'T SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
"REASON! YOU WANT A GOOD REASON! I'LL GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD REASON WHY!" There was a slight shuffling noise that was heard from upstairs before Bakura burst out laughing.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S YOUR REASON WHY! THAT'S JUST PATHETIC MARIK! AS IF I'M GOING TO BE SCARED OF YOUR STUPID MILLENNIUM ROD!"
"But it's not just any Millennium Rod! Buy one now and you'll get a free dagger installed with it, which, if you just push this button here…" There was a pause followed by some cursing in Egyptian. "STUPID FRICKING ROD! WORK DAMN YOU! Ahem. Ok, the button isn't working right now, but it will be soon…But that's not all! Buy within the next 15 minutes and you'll receive, free with your purchase, your very own evil, psycho yami, who will plan diabolical plans to take over the world and make sure that sugar shall be made into a commodity which is eaten by everyone everywhere, making everyone go on sugar highs! OH THE EVILNESS OF IT ALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Bakura just raised an eyebrow at this interesting…interruption. "Uh, right, sure thing…anyway where we? Ah yes, I remember...AS IF I'M GOING TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR STUPID DAGGER, YOU HOMICIDAL MANIAC!"
"OF COURSE I'M A HOMICIDAL MANIAC! WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXCEPT ME TO BE!"
"A STUPID BAKA OF A KID WITH THE WORST HAIRSTYLE I'VE EVER SEEN! Though I have to say, how do you keep it up there? Heck it's better than that stupid pharaoh's when it comes to defying the laws of gravity…"
"Lots and lots and lots of gel! I use up like three bottles a day but it's worth it! BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT INSULT! DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
This of course was followed by, yep, you guessed it, a loud CRASH and the sound of glass objects breaking, followed by a battle cry of "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" from Bakura.
"00 My house!" wailed Ryou.
"Whoa that can't be good…o0" Malik muttered as the sound of splintering timber reached their ears, followed by a "HEH! SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING CHUCKED INTO WALLS! Not that it should make much difference seeing as you don't even have much in the way of substance in the albino head of yours…"
"WHAT! WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO MAKE ACQUAINTANCES WITH THAT TABLE OVER THERE, I'M SURE YOU'D BE GOOD FRIENDS, SEEING AS YOUR HEAD IS JUST AS HOLLOW! (A/N Tables aren't really hollow…don't know where Bakura got that from…) IN FACT WHY DON'T I HELP YOU WITH THAT?" This of course was followed by the sound of more crashes, followed by an "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
Ryou's eyes went wide and he turned to Malik. "Shouldn't we go stop them before they kill each other?"
Malik thought over this briefly, as a lamp was hurled through a window and smashed into pieces as it hit the ground, narrowly missing Malik and Ryou. "DAMN! MISSED!" was heard from inside, followed by a "HAH! SO MUCH FOR GOOD AIM!"
"Nah, they'd probably turn on us if we went and interfered, and I don't think that'd be too good for our health," he replied. "Besides, they'll stop fighting soon. Either that or they'll kill themselves trying…" He paused as he ran over what he just said. "Actually, scrap that, they can't kill themselves, they're already dead…so I guess the next best thing would be sending each other to the Shadow Realm…Knowing them they'd probably continue they're fight in there, much to the amusement of any other beings lurking in the darkness…"
Ryou glared at him. "That's not really helping you know."
Malik grinned. "Of course it isn't! It's not meant to! "
Ryou sighed, choosing not to answer that. All of a sudden a massive CD player came flying out of the window.
Malik, seeing it come hurtling towards Ryou, made a valiant attempt to rescue him, which mainly involved screaming "RYOOOOUUUUUUU!" sounding like some typical woman in a horror movie about to be sliced by a chainsaw. Unfortunately it failed miserably, resulting in the CD player hitting Ryou smack in the head and knocking him out.
PPD: And thus ends the first chapter? How did you all like it? Think it was great? Funny? Boring? Absolute waste of time? And no Bakura, you don't have to comment, I already know what you're going to say.
Bakura: pouts Aw, damn! Wreck my fun, will you!
PPD: grins Why, I never thought of that before, but now that you mention it, I think I will! Thanks Bakura!
Bakura: sighs Why me?
Ryou: Don't think about it too hard, I've been asking myself that for a while too. That and you'll just hurt your brain cells.
Bakura: glares
PPD: Now, now, you two, no fighting, remember?
Bakura: But you were strangling me just before! How is that not fighting?
PPD: Well, I am the authoress, in case you haven't noticed, therefore I am entitled to do whatever I like! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! cackles evilly, much to the disturbance of everyone near her Ahem. Anyway, please review! I know it's not the best fic in the world, but it'll really make my day if you do! So go on, just press the pretty purple button down there! You know you want to…Flames from anyone who think this is a crap fic will simply be given to Marik, who I've heard is a pyromaniac…
Marik: He he…BURN!