But at night... she gave free expression to her grief.
At first Giles had been relieved to hear her crying, it was a way to let out the pain, and that could be helpful. But now he was really worried, because it seemed that Willow's tears were endless. And everyday Giles wondered if she had slept the night before, even for a few hours. Because everyday she looked more exhausted and her eyes were still empty.
He had tried to talk to her about all that, but Willow was really like a stonewall now. The worst thing maybe was that she looked at him with what seemed like distrust and even fear. And that was so hurtful.
Giles had talked with Miss Harkness. The Head of the Coven told him to be patient. Willow had suffered a huge traumatism, and she needed some time to deal with her pain. And also with her guilt, because both knew that the redhead felt horribly guilty. Willow had wanted to destroy the earth because her own world had collapsed. She had lost everything, her lover at first, and then her friends and her hometown. And she had turned from victim to killer when she had flayed Warren alive.
The Watcher perfectly knew all that, but couldn't help but remain worried. What if Willow never got over her pain ? What if she let her dark side overcome her?
Of course Miss Harkness had her own point of view. She was optimistic, but that was her job, she was the Coven Mistress. And she had never met the old Willow, the one everyone loved, the bright, shiny girl, the soul of the Scooby Gang. Giles remembered his own words when, several years ago, he thought Willow had been killed by a vampire: "she was the best of all of us". And that was true. Without Willow, the Scoobies were no longer a gang. The family, their family, was broken.
Those were the gloomy thoughts Giles was brooding over the day he got the letter. That was the first time since their arrival that they got some mail from Sunnydale. A big envelope, containing four smaller ones inside. There was a long letter from Dawn, one from Buffy, and even a small note from Anya. All three worried about Giles, and were assuring him of their support and affection. Dawn's letter was written with turquoise blue ink, the favorite color of the teenager, and made no mention of Willow. Nor did Anya's. Buffy only briefly alluded to her best friend's situation, asking how she was dealing with all that happened.
Giles smiled when he took the fourth envelope, recognizing Xander's rough handwriting: "For Will."
He made his way towards the right wing of the Coven, he knew Willow was currently having her meditation course. Miss Harkness had been insistent with her to have a lesson twice a day, after breakfast and after lunch. The Coven had an expert in this subject in Mr Sun Haong, a Buddhist master.
Giles entered the lobby which led to the meditation room. He sat on the bench near the door and waited.
After a few minutes, the door opened and Giles heard the lilting voice of Mr Sun Haong, thanking Willow for her attention. The young Witch appeared, and immediatly froze when she saw Giles. But the Watcher noticed with relief that she looked a little better, less tired. Maybe the meditation lessons were starting to be useful.
He got up and gently touched Willow's shoulder. She couldn't help but shiver. Giles sighed. Willow's mistrust towards him still hurt.
He chose not to talk and simply held out the envelope. She slowly took it. Then she saw her name, and her glance flickered. She knew Xander's handwriting by heart since kindergarten.
"Your friends are still concerned about you, Willow," Giles simply said.
She nodded without saying a word, but her eyes were wet. She rushed outside, and Giles followed her, he didn't want to bother her but he was really worried. Then Willow stopped, turned back and looked him in the eyes, for the very first time since that day, the first one, in Miss Harkness' office. She softly said: "Thank you, Giles." The Watcher smiled at her. Well, maybe that wasn't much. But it was definitely a start.
Since her arrival, Willow had spent her few moments of free time outside, pacing the meadows and the hills of the Coven's property. When she wasn't attending her classes, during the day, or crying in her room, at night, she took refuge in the beautiful, green, English country.
She had a favorite place - a secret place she had found the second day. A small copse, sheltered from everything or everyone.
So this is where she naturally went that day, the envelope held tight in her hand. She sat down under her favorite tree - a big oak which reminded her the trees near the Summers' house. She stood against the trunk, took a deep breath, and with shaking hands, opened Xander's letter.
There was one sheet of paper, only one, but covered with the tiny, hasty writing of her friend. And he had used a yellow pen. No, a yellow crayon, she realized, and her heart bounced, and tears came to her eyes, once again. But for the first time these tears were not only tears of pain.
A yellow crayon. THE yellow crayon. Sweet, sweet Xander.
"Will," she read, "Will, believe me or not, but finding a yellow crayon was really difficult in this creepy town. You can find blue or black ones, of course, and green or red ones, no problem, but no yellow.
It seems you've broken them all, or may be some evil creature has. (Hey, kidding here). So that's mainly why it took me so long to write to you. Sorry.
"OK, so that was the easy part. Kidding because I'm supposed to be funny guy, the Scooby clown. Kidding because I don't know how to start this letter. 'I hope you're all right', it sounds so stupid and obvious, because of course, I'm longing for you to be well and safe, but I also know that it's impossible.
Will, there is now an ocean between us, and I can still feel your pain, if only you could allow me to share it, I would take it all over me, believe me, just to protect you.
"Buffy heard from you by Giles, he told her that you were rather allright, alive, that's what he said. He told her the Coven was the right place for you to be, that you will find some help there. That you will find serenity. Little by little. Step by step. I want to believe him, and I hope you do, too.
Will, I wish I could be in England with you. Giles said you have to deal with all this by yourself. Easy to say, he is by your side. He can take care of you. And I can't. I feel so useless now, alone on that good old Hellmouth (well, not so good, if you ask me). I don't know what to do, I so do need you, you know me, I've always needed my best friend to prevent me from doing some dumb things.
"Willow, now it's the difficult part of this letter. But I must go through it. So, off I go.
We buried Tara two days after you left. The ceremony was beautiful, very sad of course but beautiful. It was shiny, with a lot of sunshine, this kind of weather we had the day we were under the spell of the Lord of the Dance. You remember, of course. How could you not remember that?
Everybody was there. Buffy, Dawn, Anya, and even some girls from college, and I think some from the Wicca group where you met, Tara and you.
Dawn read a poem she had written, it was really touching. And Buffy said a few words, too, to express how much we missed her, we loved her. We were all very moved. Anya was crying her eyes out - yes, Anya, the ex vengeance demon. I think that says enough about how much we loved Tara. She was an angel and she can't be anywhere but in Heaven, you know that, Will, don't you?
When you'll be back, if you want to, we will go to her grave together. You will bring these little stones, I never really understood what they were for, but you will tell me. For the moment, I put a picture on the stone, a picture of you two."
The letter slipped out of Willow's hand. Tears were running down her cheeks. The redhead was sobbing, again, but this time she didn't have to hold back her pain, she could cry loudly, because neither Giles nor Miss Harkness were near, and she didn't have to fake anymore.
She remained there for almost two hours, she read Xander's letter, again and again. The pain was still overwhelming, but she could feel this strange feeling - a presence, as if her best friend was here with her. As if she wasn't totally alone, after all.
From the Coven's terrace, Giles saw Willow coming back from the hill, Xander's letter tight in her left hand. From that point, the Watcher couldn't see well the face of the young Witch, but he noticed her walk was a little more steady than these past days. Maybe she was feeling a little better.
Giles knew that Willow had a hidden place. He had found out since the very first day, but she didn't know he was aware of it. He knew she needed to be alone sometimes, because during the day she was constantly under observation - Miss Harkness', Sara's, the students' and the teachers', and Giles' of course.
Everyone was looking at Willow as if she was a pack ready to explode. Some people looked at her with fear, other with commiseration. Giles hoped that his own glance wasn't expressing either of these feelings. He loved Willow, he loved her as he loved Buffy, Dawn or even Xander, but he had to admit (at first to himself) that may be he liked the redhead more than the others. Despite what she had done, the bond between them was now more powerful than ever. Giles had realized that while talking with Miss Harkness, who had helped him to clear up his own feelings. The head of the Coven had also warned the Watcher. From what she could see, they were really linked, and that could be either useful or dangerous. She hadn't insisted on that, but Giles had perfectly understood what she meant.
"How can I both have a grudge against her, and love her so much?" Giles asked himself.
He would probably never get the answer, he thought while watching her climbing the stairs which led to the terrace.
She still had tears marks on her cheeks, but she was almost smiling, and that was new. And the color of her beautiful green eyes seemed less pale, closer to the original emerald.
She looked at him, and their eyes locked. They remained silent for a moment and then the Watcher smiled and gently asked:
"So, how is our dear Xander?"
Willow smiled back. A small grin, but enough for Giles to feel his heart racing.
"True to form, I would say. And still... still my best friend, I guess."
"Were you doubting that?" Giles softly asked.
"Of course", Willow sighed. "They... they have all the reasons in the world to hate me. But Xander... it seems that Xander has the ability to forgive me whatever I can do. Even wanting to destroy the world isn't a good enough reason for him to end our friendship."
Giles smiled. "Well, I guess he's right. And you know... the others... Buffy and the gang... they don't hate you, not at all. You just have to give them some time."
"I guess time is the key," the young Witch sighed.
Giles hesitated, and cleared his throat. He had to tell her.
"And Willow... I hope you already know that I did. Forgive you, I mean. I haven't forgotten, but I've forgiven you."
Willow simply nodded. She knew that. But that was so good to hear.
She felt her eyes watering, again. She looked down and said with a weak voice:
"Giles, they... they buried Tara."
"I know," the Watcher softly replied.
"I wish... I wish I could be there. Even if I know it was impossible," she quickly added. "I miss her, Giles. I miss her so much..." her voice was choking with emotion.
"I know, Willow. I do miss her, too" the Watcher said. He felt very moved, and was close to tears himself. But he was happy too. She had said it. It was only a few words, but she had started to accept her sorrow.
They remained silent for a while, and then Giles said the only words which could bring her some comfort, at this very moment.
"... They took care of her, Willow. She was family. She ever will be. Like you."
And he moved closer, took her in his arms. And she let him hug her, she knew she could not be in a safer place right now.
From the window of her office, Miss Harkness was looking at them, pensively.