Glorified Failing: Chapter 2, "I still hate you"

A/N: This took a really long time, and I am really sorry. But here it is, chapter three, and I hope you enjoy it. Also, I realize, Marauders era was 70's. I hate the 70's, and know pretty much nil about them. But I love the 80's and have enough older siblings to have pretty much been raised in them. So one decade off is this story set. Lily

ps: check my profile for update info in the future. And explanations. lol

This chapter song "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago"- Fallout Boy

!#&()(&#&()())&#&()((&&#&()#

"James! Ah, James, my favorite boy ever! Did you see that beauty there? No? Well, she's mine anyways. Say, have you tasted this Gin and tonic? Lucius Malfoy's goons have spoiled me again,"

The words penetrated my skull like nails, accompanied with alcohol, bright lights, loud music and smoke. Sirius was by this point, further off his rocker and pumped with enough energy to power the Hogwarts Express.

We were once again spending a Saturday night at some low down, high profile party. Sirius was of course drunk, flirtatious and all around hilarious to watch. I could almost see Remus mentally calculating the different debacles Sirius would get us into before he passed out. I hadn't seen Peter for a while, but I had no doubt he was off cracking jokes and mixing it with his kindness and talent for gambling.

I, however, was no longer up for partying and truthfully; the effects of my medicine and alcohol were not creating a killer buzz. So, I bowed out of the Marauder's corner of the crowded dungeon chamber and made for the door. I was quickly distracted by a loud fight coming from the center of the room. Fights weren't uncommon at these parties, brawls over checks or card games, but this was defiantly not that.

The majority of the crowd made room for me to watch, and I laid my eyes upon the always beautiful Lily. Who was currently screaming her head off at her prince of hell, Lucius Malfoy, King of Sirius's Gin and Tonics. Lily was drunk, something that never seemed to happen to the ever stunning hostess of the underworld.

Not only was she drunk, but she wasn't acting any of her roles. She wasn't 'perfect'. She was angry, her hair flying everywhere and her voice scratchy and loud with emotion and smoke.

Lucius was, of course, just as cold as always. He stood back from Lily, saying words with a demanding edge that they even made me angry. I stood and watched as she laughed bitterly at his cold words and snapped a pretty reply before turning to walk away.

Lucius grabbed her wrist and yanked her back, roughly into him. I could see the crowd getting nervous, people glancing around, wondering who would step in if this got violent. I saw Sirius sit up from his stupor and shoot me a confused, scared look. After all these years, she was still just Lily to him, the same girl he used to joke with during potions, and he didn't care that she was no longer the straight edge, innocent, kind, best friend. He wanted me to step in, step up.

The weird thing was, I wanted to step in as well. Maybe it was because she was vulnerable and threatened and I wanted to play hero, or maybe it was because once she argued like that with me, but I wanted to rip Malfoy's bloody hands off her. But I couldn't. I sat back and watched as it unfolded, just like everybody else. I moved slightly, so I couldn't see Sirius's disapproving glare. I watched as Lucius roughly shoved and shook her, him whispering under his breath so only she could hear what he said. She was biting her lip hard, wearing a hole through the color. The strands of a popular muggle song blared from some magicked speakers. Finally she spit in his face, while he was still speaking. He released her harshly, sending her sprawling across the circle that had gathered around them.

I could see Arabella Figg look up from her dealing table. Lily and she were close friends, I knew that. She looked as if she was about to stand up. Lucius had wiped his face, and was glancing around till his eyes fell on Lily, who had yet to stand up. I was worried now. What was taking her so long? She had to get out of here. She had Lucius real mad now, and I knew with his alcohol and genes that it wouldn't turn out good. I saw Arabella start to stand, looking like she was about to jump in and keep Lucius off. But Arabella was thin and wispy; no way could she keep an angry Malfoy at bay. Lily still wasn't up, Arabella was still worried and Lucius was walking towards Lily, lying feet from me on the floor. I had to step up; no one would oppose me except maybe Lily, Lucius and Arabella.

I quickly walked forward and knelt down to see if I could get Lily up. Her eyes were wide open, staring hard at the floor, where tears were creating a small puddle. I could hear Arabella telling Lucius to stop, but at that moment, I couldn't remember what he should stop. But it all became real when I felt him grab the back of my shirt, pull me up and put his fist right into my mouth.

I was bleeding, the blood creating a painting on the floor, a very deadly painting. But Sirius was right there, pulling Lucius away with Arabella's help and Remus was telling people to pull back and not get near any blood. Peter was running over and pulling out his wand, I gave him a sharp look, my sleeve pressed to my mouth, but he glared back and started to shout spells to clean up the blood. Arabella was shoved away from the ongoing brawl with Lucius and Sirius and ran towards me.

"James, take Lily and go," she snapped it briskly, with such urgency I couldn't reject. Bending down, pushing up my blood soaked sleeve, I scooped up Lily and pushed my way to the door.

Once out in the darkened hallway, I could still hear the shouts going on from the inside. The music had changed, slowed down, it was all very surreal. Here I was, James Potter, the dying quidditch star, carrying Lily, the sexy, hellion, bleeding (me) and crying (her) down a dungeon corridor, both of us probably drunk.

Finally after wondering around the cold, stone rooms, I found the stairs that led up to the old rose garden. Pushing open the heavy door and pulling Lily through it into the calm fall air was like an awakening. I realized everything that had been happening tonight and for the last few weeks and how much I should have noticed about Lily lately.
How her hair wasn't shining in the sun during Care of Magical Creatures lessons, or how she was drinking at her parties, or not showing up at all. Or how she and Lucius seemed to be avoiding each other, or she was avoiding him made more sense. But I didn't because Lily wasn't my friend, or my responsibility.

"Potter, please put me down already," her voice said suddenly, croaking the words out softly, hoarse from crying. I immediately set her to her feet, and backed away, aware of the fact I was still bleeding. She looked over at me strangely then glanced around the garden.

"Where are we anyways?" she asked lightly walking towards the almost bare bushes surrounding the stone courtyard.
"Err… well see Arabella, she kinda thought it was safer if we got out of there, so I kinda grabbed you, bleeding and all and…."
"I know why we're here Potter, I wasn't exactly unconscious," she glanced sharply over at me, to see if I was aware at all how stupid I sounded or how insulting she was. But her expression changed sharply and she walked slowly over to me.

"You however, will be unconscious if we don't stop the bleeding soon," she has said we, something that had not described Lily and I in a long time. She made her way toward me with her hand outstretched to help the bleeding, and I almost let her. Touch me, I mean, or help. But I didn't, Merlin knows why.

"What's the matter, afraid of girls?" she taunted, but I could see anger and something else, offence, flare up in her eyes. I just blinked and crossed my eyes to stare at the blood on my nose, but it didn't make her laugh. The Lily I knew would have laughed, but I kept forgetting, this was Lucius' Lily, not mine. But that hurt, and I wanted her back, after all these years.

"No, I just can't have you touch my blood. You can't," I meant to say it coldly, sharply, sternly, nicely, polite, softly, anything but how it came out, pleadingly. But I said it like a whimper, and I felt like I should be crying to accompany the tone.

"James." She was the one to speak sharply, and my first name, something I'm sure she had not said in years. She was defiantly panicky at the thought of me passing out on her to say it.

"No, I… I have AIDs Lils, you can't touch my blood," this time I managed to say it sharply, except for the stammer at the beginning. But after I said it I knew I shouldn't. I knew I shouldn't have because she would now pity me and I hated that. Also I called her Lils, something I hadn't called her in years. Another thing I shouldn't have.

She looked at me for a long time, before walking over and pulling out her wand. I can admit, for a second I thought she was gonna curse me into a bazillion pieces. But instead she muttered a few words and I felt the slightest tingle and then nothing. I had stopped bleeding completely.

"Don't you ever expect me to have pity for you, James. You lost any right to that a long time ago, and dying isn't the way to get it back," I realized that she was bloody serious, and that's what finally made me laugh. It was a relief to finally laugh for something. But Lily only shook her head jerkily and walked towards a bench against the opposite wall. Hesitantly I followed, sitting against the other armrest I waited for her to speak, like I knew she would.

"Did you at least love the girl who gave it to you?" I looked up at that. Any question about this disease is expected. About her it wasn't. Lily said it sharply, like she thought I was an insensitive, male jerk who doesn't care about dying since I got laid. She was accusing me of sleeping around and not loving the girls I did it with. My logical side if it had been present at all that night, would have told me that Lily of course would expect it with the male trash (i.e.: Malfoy) she hung around with. But sadly, I was too drunk to be smart, but not too drunk to be as hard as her.

"Gave to me? You mean, Like a Christmas present?" dead pan sarcastic, and Scylla cruel, was the only way I could deal with my ex-soul mate asking about my ex girl friends 'gift' to me. But that's just me. Lily always was a bit more elegant then me, even piss drunk, mascara smeared, talking to the least deserving, dying ex-best friend in the world after her boyfriend bitched her out. She didn't do anything, always the patient one, waiting to be confined in, expected to be trusted. Silently, the perfect little girl, she was waiting to know the truth, and completely blowing off my comeback. God, I hated her. And she still waited.

" 'thought I did," I spoke the words carefully, willing her to understand them. Willing myself not to elaborate on those words.

"Why don't you, because she's killing you softly?" she said the oh-so-clichéd words when only she could make them sound sincere, and I hated her even more for it.

"No, because there's no such thing as love. Why hate a dead girl, especially since she and my aunt are the only people for me on the other side? If there is such a place," I said it straight out, with out planning or lying, just simply, defensively. I wasn't a complete prick; I couldn't hate a girl for accidentally killing me right? Especially if she killed herself first. But I could hate Lily, I don't know why, but I could. I could piss her off to, and invade her personal life as well.

"What about you Evans? Hmm? Gonna share about your little lovers spat from before?" I said it tauntingly, but not cruel, I couldn't be cruel to her, even if she was to damn easy to hate.

"Lovers spat? Really Potter, watching the day time telly? He's not my lover, and there's nothing to share, Lucius was drunk. He can be possessive, forgets the pact, it happens to the best of us," she spoke like she could forgive the bruises I'm sure decorated her wrists from him. Like it didn't matter. Why should that ass be forgiven and not me? But curiosity killed the anger. I never was a cat person.

"What pact? A prossie-punter thing perhaps?" That got a glare out of her, it was about time one of us showed some emotion over this.

"How dare you accuse me of sleeping with Lucius! Especially on a business level only. Not all of us have to lose our virginity before were fully developed Potter. Some actually respect our bodies and God's wishes," Lily was a tricky girl. Fiery as her hair, she could explode at me at any comment. And the fact that she was saying she wasn't fully developed…. Also how she could be so… un-saintly and still believe in God so firmly. The girl was and is an amazing oxymoron in everything.

"Bible thumping now Evans?" another glare, she apparently couldn't deign her self to respond. But I could just see her being thrown to the floor by that brute and I could suddenly see him with my face, and that was wrong. I was wrong.

"Evans, I'm sorry really. I didn't mean to call you slutty or imply anything. Well I did, but not like, cruelly. And I'm not making sense. But seriously, what is this pact you speak of?" now it was my turn waiting. Feeding like a parasite off her glow.

"No one belongs to each other, Potter. It keeps jealousy at bay, maybe you should try it," She left the last part open, applying more pressure to an old wound, mine or hers I wasn't sure.

"It's simple Potter really. He saw me flirt with some other guy, he lost his head. You should get that. Only instead of punching the guy, he took it out on me, hell if I know why," she added the last part to her self, but she always spoke loudly, the lime-light gal she was. But it made me wonder how much of that emotion was still down there, how many self titled 'Malfoy issues' existed. For some reason I couldn't stand the thought of her forgiving him so easily.

"But why would he hurt you Lily, not the guy, you have to know some reason?" I lowered my voice, talking to a tiger. I needed her to uncover the hurt, I don't know why.

"I DON'T KNOW! God Potter, give it up, after all this time, I still have no idea why. Alcohol okay, it happens to people all the time. Muggles have programs for it. So stop, Lucius is fine, I'm fine," She barely gave me time to finish before defending Malfoy's' honor. Her stupid pride.

"After all this time? What after all the time you've been hanging around him like his little hussy? Or maybe after all the times he's gotten drunk and duffed you up a bit? All the times you've seen him do it to some one else in your little pact? What is it that your defending in him?" Now I was yelling at her back, pleading once again for her to not do something. Not to touch me again, not to touch him again, what does it matter.
We were both standing, civilized discussion long lost, screaming in each others face, a complete repeat of our last discussion those years back. Always about another boy.

"God Potter! Get over yourself, you're not the only saintly, non abusing boy in the wizarding world! There are other people who won't slam around their girls and there are people who don't have those charming little hussies you speak of! Some boys just care! Care enough to not see their girl friends with other boys, there are decent boys out in the world," At the end, after the anger had almost faded, it sounded like she was convincing herself. Some one as pretty as her shouldn't have too. Well, I guess they should, depending on our culture.

"But Lily, is Lucius one of them? That's what I'm asking, is he one of the few, and the proud decent ones, who won't break your heart?"
"It's the decent ones that will break your heart Potter. But he's not my boyfriend, so it doesn't matter! All that matters is he got jealous when he should have, he just got jealous and drunk, and it happens James, it just happens and I just deal. I don't need you making some sort of scene,"

"It shouldn't happen Lily, Okay? And Arabella would have caused a scene if I didn't. Sirius would have, you already were causing a scene after all,"
"Arabella knows better and Sirius doesn't know me,"
"Your best friend knows better than to save you from a boy hitting you around? God, if only the marauders looked out for me like that. And Sirius knew you, which counts for something. People don't change that much, not really,"

"Yes they do James. They grow up," And all I could do was stare at her. She had changed, as much as I wished it was impossible. But I didn't think it was just growing up.

"James, you have changed too okay! Where are all your fancy jokes and clinging girls? The elaborate pranks and vindictive triumphs? Are you going to tell me that that isn't you, there for you couldn't change? You changed James, you're not the carefree bastard everyone knows, as much as you wish you were,"

"I haven't changed Lily, you'll see that. And neither have you. Except maybe you have, because the Lily I knew never fell crying and let some drunken lard push them around," Low blow, but she had to see what this guy was doing. If she didn't it would happen. And I hadn't changed, I couldn't have.

"Well, I did. God did I?" she just shook her head coldly, disbelieving. But I could see in her eyes, then, that she wouldn't leave Lucius ever, their pact was too safe and she was too much apart of him. She could hate him, but it didn't matter. She had changed. All the regret in the world didn't matter. But I could help. I could give her another place to be. If she had another table to sit at, then she wouldn't be afraid to pick up her plate. But I also knew she wouldn't let me. She liked her plate, it was pure gold. But if she expected to be trusted then so could I.

"How long Lily, has Lucius been a drunken lard towards you," Remus could tell you I was always the elegant one. But Lily smiled coldly any ways and replied with more dignity than I could have.

"It only started this year. I think the whole prefect thing threw him into a power spin and the rumors of war into alcohol. But we're teenagers, were supposed to have angst right? Mine's nothing new," God I wish I was that sure about angst. But mine wasn't something new and hers might have been but it wasn't unimportant.

"But James, this is enough talk of so called teen angst between to bitter cliques. So I think I'll head in. I'm still feeling a little tipsy, and I need to be alone tonight."

And she made to the door I had opened what seemed hours earlier. But she spoke quietly,
walking away.

"I wish I could recall the first day,
First hour, first moment your meeting me
if bright or dim the season might be
summer or winter aught I can say
So Unrecorded it did slip away
So Blind was I to see and foresee"

I stared at her startled. Here she was leaving this rose garden, her tears finally dry, and our discussions behind. Still drunk from a party brawl with her sort of boyfriend, and she was reciting love poetry. Sadly she turned and looked at me.

"God I wish I could forget every meeting with Lucius. I do James," And she turned once again and opened the door, leaving it cracked for my open invitation. But I had hardly moved before I heard her smiling voice call around the corner.

"Oh and James? I still hate you," and for the second time that night, I laughed. Because she was bloody serious.

!#&()(&#&())(&#&()&()(&#&(

review, and u get dibs on marauders…