Alright, my first TMNT- well, I guess you can call it a "fic". Raphael apologizes after a fight with my fan character, Angel. And, if people out there don't know the disease he's talking about, it's called tetanus... Please R&R...
I – I don't get it. It's like a dark shadow cover my eyes, and leave all the sanity within behind the curtain of blackness. I'm not evil, I've never been. Just short tempered… But Christ, things are getting harder to deny. There must be something wrong with me, deep inside. All this anger, that lies right under my skin, screaming to get out and attack the first thing they can reach – and I can't do anything to stop it. Behave? I've tried, lots of times, but it's easier to get a fly to lift an elephant… Really.
But – the winds soothe my nerves and makes my head clear again. The stars above us shines brightly and speaks of better times… I'm sentimental, I know. But you gotta be, when you live four amphibians in a sewer with an old, talking rat. Life ain't easy, I guess you figured that out a long time ago yourself. If not, you wouldn't be here, listening to all this junk. I can see the tears swelling in your eyes, you know. Wipe them away. Things'll get better, trust me. How I know? I just do. My farther once told me, "You must be strong to live". He couldn't be more right. Of all the troubles we've faced in this life, saying sorry was the hardest one – no really, I'm not kidding. Battles have been fought, blood have been sparred. But that's just part of a ninja's life. I could tell you many stories of our great adventures, but I'm not much a storyteller… I'd rather tell you about my brothers, my family.
Leonardo… Well, he's the serious type, a true leader, though I don't like to admit it. I remember once when we were kids, playing in the sewers. I had found a real treasure, a beautiful sight for a young turtle. Silver covered the handle, and the metal of the blade glimpsed in the dim light. Well, the parts that weren't rusty, that is. Leo told me hundreds of times to put it back down, throw it away and forget it. Hm, but really, I couldn't leave the dagger behind. I was so amused by it that nothing else mattered. Of course, as it always goes when kids play with knives, I cut myself in the hand, badly. Should I have told Master Splinter about it? Probably, but if I had, he would have taken the dagger away from me too… So, I washed the wound and kept my mouth shut, after hiding the dagger in a safe place. 'Everything was fine', I told myself for many days. But lying is pretty easy.
Donatello was the first to see, that something was wrong. My face started acting all weird, it was like I couldn't control the muscles. Wha', you thought I told him about the cut? Never. The dagger was still my treasure, no one should take it from me. And well, Donny isn't exactly the best at keeping secrets. So when he asked what was wrong, I cut him off, assuring him how great I was. At first, I really didn't care. The big deal started, when I could hardly drink. My throat was locked, and my whole body arched and was rigid. Sometimes, I could hardly breath. And yes, I know I'm stubborn, I've always been. But when I one night collapsed on the floor, my entire body going into a cramp, he saved my life by telling our Sensei. I – don't remember much, it all went fast. But I remember the pain, and the fear. Hey, don't laugh, I can be scared too. And I was, I was crying, thinking that I would die… My heart didn't even beat regularly, and the fact that I couldn't get enough air made it even worse.
I had to tell him about the dagger and the cut. He was furious, I've never seen anything like it. He actually had to go up to the surface and steal medicine for me. It took weeks before I could walk again.
I was isolated to make sure I would get well. Even the lights were turned off, and no one was allowed to touch me. It was awful. I know they went in to check on me sometimes, but my brothers were afraid to talk to me, afraid that I would go into a cramp again. They did the right thing, but you get lonely over time. It was the worst part of my life.
Michelangelo was the best. You know how crazy he is, partying and stuff. Well, when they were allowed to talk to me again, he never leaved my sight. He could sit next to me, reading a comic loud to me for three hours in a row, just to make sure I saw all the pictures in it… He's great, I'd do the same thing for him, if it ever was. I don't know how I could ever repay him. I don't know how I would ever repay any of them. My bros…
Maybe… It's a weird thought, I know, but getting over the loneliness – I couldn't. It has haunted me for years, nights. I don't mind the pain in my dreams, they are gone, when I wake. But the emptiness. Man, it freaks me out from time to time. The one thing I feared as a kid, being left… I… No, I'm fine, don't worry, I just… well…
The point is; No matter what happens, I'll be here for you, just like my brothers were there for me that time. Just promise me one thing… Don't save the pain and hatred inside like I did. You need to cry sometimes, right. So whenever you get this feeling, Angel, please tell me, and cry if you want to… And don't look at me that way, turtles can cry too…
I'm sorry…