Chapter 8
Can I let you in?
The next day Erika and I traded in my old SUV and bought a new one with our new identity's. We searched in an irish neighborhood for a small place to rent. We finally found a place with easy access so we didn't disturb the neighbors. It was nice, two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. We bought furniture and a two full size beds. I figured Erika and I would share one room and Conner and Murphy would share the other, but as we began to get settled in it became very obvious Erika and Murphy would be sharing a room and naturally Conner and I were expected to share the other. The whole thing made me incredibly uncomfertable. Sharing a bed with him for one night was a lot different than sharing a bedroom with him.
That night, after I had put on my pajama's I wandered into the living room with a blanket and a pillow. I made a bed on the couch and prepared to go to sleep when Conner came in. "Aren't you coming to bed?" he asked looking confused.
"Conner, sharing a bedroom with you every night is a whole hell of a lot different than sharing a bed with you for a night or two. I'm sorry, but I'm not like Erika. I can't just fall head over heals for you in a matter of days and be comfortable sharing a bedroom and bed with you. It's not that simple for me."
He sat down by my feet after I had cuddled into my makeshift bed. "I won't do anything," he said softly.
"It's not that Conner. I've just seen too much to think that everything is as easy as Erika and Murphy make it seem. I've seen my mom cry for a man who never loved her. I've seen a woman love a man dispite the fact that he beat her. And you know what I view that as? Stupidity. Love is not real. There's no one in the world worth going through that. I can't let anyone in anymore. I've seen too much bad shit happen," sighing, I closed my eyes and pulled my knees up to my chest.
"You can let me in Christa," Conner said looking at me, with pain and concern in his eyes.
I avoided looking into his eyes. I avoided them because if I looked into them I wouldn't be able to deny how he made me feel. I loved Conner but bad experiences and my stubborn pride wouldn't let me give into it. Not without a fight. "Can I let you in Conner? You know me so fucking well, can I let you in? After all I've seen and been through should I just be able to let in a guy who's good-looking and seems nice just because he says I can? Huh, Conner! Answer me that," I burst out. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and blinked them away. His face was a blank mask. He had no reaction. No anger. No yelling. That just added to my frustration.
"I never said that, Christa. But you're stubborn pride is what is preventing you seeing something good in front of your face. I'm not your husband and I'm not your father. I am falling for you and I have a pretty good feeling that you are falling for me. Don't let two people ruin you for the rest of your life. Not everyone is like that. Now think about that, tonight while you lay out here on your uncomfertable couch because your afriad what sharing a bed and bedroom with me means," with that said, Conner stood and left to go to bed.
I sat on the couch curled up in the blankets and thought about what he said. He was falling for me and he was completely right, I had fallen for him too, but if I let him in he could hurt me. I didn't want to go through that pain. When I was younger I spent nights listening to my ma cry over my father. She had fallen for him but all she had been to him was his irish slut. A convenient piece of ass. When she became pregnant my father was furious. He wanted her to get rid of me. Instead, she left and went home to Ireland to raise me. I never understood why my father allowed me to come live with him at first, but when I was eighteen and forced to marry Eduardo it became painfully obvious he only had me around to unite to large mafia families. I was a pawn in his game. As I remembered old painful memories I cried softly. I never remembered falling asleep.