A/N: I don't know what happened to the Italics for the character's thoughts
last chapter, I was using a different program, hopefully it works out this
time. Things aren't really going the way I had planned at the moment, so
you'll have to bare with me if I don't post up new chapters every two
seconds. Sorry if this chapter gets a bit dull at the end, it couldn't be
helped, I couldn't think of anything much funny to add to it. But on the
plus side this chapter is longer! Lots of dialogue, some Simpson's quotes
and a bit from Robin Hood, men in tights. Hope you enjoy!
OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, AGAIN, I'd like to say a big thank you to the following for reviewing so far.
mojo-gasaraki, housewife slash maid, Me, emma-watson03 and hellyn
Disclaimer: One thing about me, I say a lot of things, and most of them aren't factual. I own Harry Potter!
Chapter 5-
Sperm threats, Castration and Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide.
After the musical experience, which will now be referred to as the "when teachers go bad" fiasco, Ron and Hermonie returned to Transfiguration, went to all their other classes, ate lunch, told Harry and sat down for dinner.
"You walked in on what!?" Harry asked, both shocked and confused.
His shock mainly came from the thought of Snape dressing in drag doing the hula. His confusion was from something else entirely. Across the hall, past the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws sat a Slytherin looking quiet smug indeed.
"If I've just witnessed what I think I have then Ginny weasley better disinfect her mouth stat." Harry thought.
"That's not even the worst of it," Ron continued, "As if by now we weren't traumatized enough, Professor Trelawney prances through the middle of it all wearing nothing but her glasses. Talk about turn off"
"I'm surprised you were turned on until this point" Hermonie thought.
Ron paused.
"Harry? Harry? Are you listening to me?"
"Oh yeah, sure.dancing naked.Professor Trelawney.really turned you on."
Hermonie laughed.
"Ron," Harry said, "look over at Malfoy."
"Yeah, I'm looking. But what's this got to do with our story about never wanting to paint naked again?"
Hermonie looked at him oddly.
"Not-that-I-ever-did."
"See that look on his face?"
"Yeah?"
"Guess what he just did?"
"I don't know"
"Kissed your sister"
"-WHAT, Ginny? He did what!"
Ron looked down the Gryffindor table, as if to find something wrong with Harry's absurd suggestion.
"Nice try Harry, but she's not even at dinner"
"That's because she's over there making eyes with my-er-our enemy."
Ron glanced over, and sure enough, there was Ginny, flirting with Malfoy, who was sitting next to Crabbe, making out with a cupcake.
The look on Ron's face almost suggested that Hermonie had demanded he have himself castrated.
"I don't believe this!" Ron bellowed.
"Well you better start. Ginny told me last night that Malfoy and her had a bit of a "thing" going on, and not to tell you. She didn't want you to know.just incase you reacted in a similar way you did to her and Dean." Hermonie said.
When Ron had found out about Ginny and Dean he had gone temporarily insane. This wouldn't have effected anyone else much if he hadn't ran around demanding to be tarred and feathered. In the end he eventually tried to season himself with chicken stock. It was about this time Ginny broke it off with Dean.
"Well there's no need to bloody well tell me now is there! I can see it from here!"
Ginny and Malfoy appeared to be in the middle of a rather wet, and disgusting, in Ron's opinion, display of adolescent affection.
"Ewwwwwww, it burns, it burns!"
Ron wasn't taking the news very well. Hermonie had been dreading telling him, but, Ron was right, there was obviously no need to tell him now, he could see EVERYTHING for himself.
"I think we better go." Hermonie said to Harry, concerned.
"That's disgusting."
Harry agreed and threw one of Ron's arms over his shoulder, Hermonie took the other and they carried the wailing Ron out of the Great hall.
On the way up to the common room Ron pulled Hermonie close and said:
"You must avenge my death Kimba, I mean Simba."
"Sure thing Mufasa. Anything you say."
***
After Ron finally settled down, at 9:30, he decided that now would be a good time to study. He was obviously delirious. Despite this Hermonie did not object and neither did Harry, much to Hermonie's disappointment.
They made their way up the boy's staircase and into the dorm where they found Neville, Harry's Transfiguration partner.
Ron and Hermonie situated themselves on Ron's bed and emptied their bags. Neville and Harry sprawled out their information in front of them and sat on the floor near the window.
Sometime passed and neither of the teams were doing much study, Ron was attempting it, but only because when ever he paused the image of Ginny and Malfoy popped up with a vengeance of 2 dozen semi-digested meat pies.
Harry and Neville were deeply immersed in an intelligent conversation about beef jerky.
Hermonie reached into the depths of her bag and retrieved yet another book entitled: Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide, and held it up high, trying to get Ron's attention- unsuccessful.
"If this isn't subliminal then I don't know what is!" Hermonie thought.
"Hey harry," Ron asked while he moved down onto the floor with them.
"Yeah" Harry replied as Hermonie moved down onto the floor as well.
"Can I borrow your glasses, just for a laugh?"
"Yeah, why not." Harry said, handing them over.
Ron put them on.
"Wow..." He expressed in a kind of a trance a three year old slips into when they shit themselves.
Ron turned to who he assumed was Harry.
"Oh no," Ron said, touching Harry's forehead, "you've lost your scar...but you grew a nice set of boobs..."
"Aherm..."
"Oh, sorry Hermonie..."
"Give me those!" Neville snatched the glasses from Ron, and upon putting them on, turned to Hermonie.
"Hey Handsome, wanna hook up later on?"
"What was that Hermonie?"
"I said stop picturing me in a thong!"
"Oh..." ***
Ron and Neville both had bottomless pits for stomachs, so naturally, even after having dinner, they were both still hungry and went down to the kitchens to harass some innocent house elves for food. If it had been any other time, Harry would have joined them, but the Ginny and Draco fiasco had him in a bit of a temporary depression.
"How are you?" Hermonie asked, moving onto the end of Harry's bed.
Harry was sitting up under his covers looking out the window, an odd expression of self pity and anger on his face that made him look like a demented sloth eating a pineapple.
"Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. A bit sleepy, a bit tired, a bit angry, a bit confused, a bit rejected, a bit-"
"Ok, I get the picture. I tried to warn you that night we were playing Wizards chess but-"
"Yeah, but I didn't actually think you were serious! I just don't understand. What does he have that I don't?"
"Toilet training?"
"One time Hermonie, ONE TIME!
"Ok, point noted. But think realistically Harry. Do you really think you two would have even got together if you weren't willing to make a move?"
"But Ginny could have-"
"Yes, Ginny could have. But you know Ginny. She's got more confidence this year, but not THAT much. Besides if you've defeated Voldermort numerous times, you'd think the you'd be able to master this."
"This is completely different! Defeating Voldermort was child's play, were talking about slaying sexual tension here Hermonie!
"Slaying sexual tension?"
"...Quiet you! And what do you mean she isn't confidant enough? She asked Malfoy didn't she?"
"No. He asked Her."
"Bastard, he's always one step ahead!"
"About that Harry...I don't know what Malfoy is getting at..."
"Meaning?"
"Well, when has Malfoy ever showed any interest in Ginny before this? He might like her, he might be trying to make you jealous, he might be getting a sex change, who knows? But I'm pretty sure that he's not after her child like innocence."
"You're right, but what do you want me to do? I can't reverse a sex change. If you're asking me to talk to her then I already do that."
"Talk to her about THIS Harry, about THIS!"
"Ok, fine, fine...later."
"Unless by later you mean tomorrow then I'm going to have to kick you in the nuts."
"No, by later I mean at the burrow."
"Fine, but if anything happens to Ginny between now and then, Mr. Harry Potter," Hermonie said, poking him hard in the chest, "then I promise you, you will never have to worry about contraception again!"
"Alright, enough about that, I don't want to hear you threatening my unproduced sperm again. How about you and Ron, 'ey?"
"Me and Ron? Like I said earlier-"
"You're madly in love with him!"
"Yes- WAIT-no!"
"I knew it! I knew it! Hermonie loves-"
At this moment Ron and Neville returned, arms full of food.
"What's going on?" Ron asked at the fragment of Harry's previous sentence he had over heard.
"Er- we were just talking about the wide market for new beef jerky products and other meaty accessories."
If it had been anyone else other than Ron and Neville, they wouldn't have bought it, but it so happened that they themselves had continued their conversation about beef jerky down in the kitchens and saw nothing suspicious about it.
Dean and Seamus walked through the door, saw the food and made there was towards it.
"Well, you four hungry? We bought back heaps of stuff."
"Yeah" Harry, Hermonie, Dean and Seamus said, moving onto Ron's bed.
A/N: The next chapter should be up some time this week. Please Review!
OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, AGAIN, I'd like to say a big thank you to the following for reviewing so far.
mojo-gasaraki, housewife slash maid, Me, emma-watson03 and hellyn
Disclaimer: One thing about me, I say a lot of things, and most of them aren't factual. I own Harry Potter!
Chapter 5-
Sperm threats, Castration and Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide.
After the musical experience, which will now be referred to as the "when teachers go bad" fiasco, Ron and Hermonie returned to Transfiguration, went to all their other classes, ate lunch, told Harry and sat down for dinner.
"You walked in on what!?" Harry asked, both shocked and confused.
His shock mainly came from the thought of Snape dressing in drag doing the hula. His confusion was from something else entirely. Across the hall, past the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws sat a Slytherin looking quiet smug indeed.
"If I've just witnessed what I think I have then Ginny weasley better disinfect her mouth stat." Harry thought.
"That's not even the worst of it," Ron continued, "As if by now we weren't traumatized enough, Professor Trelawney prances through the middle of it all wearing nothing but her glasses. Talk about turn off"
"I'm surprised you were turned on until this point" Hermonie thought.
Ron paused.
"Harry? Harry? Are you listening to me?"
"Oh yeah, sure.dancing naked.Professor Trelawney.really turned you on."
Hermonie laughed.
"Ron," Harry said, "look over at Malfoy."
"Yeah, I'm looking. But what's this got to do with our story about never wanting to paint naked again?"
Hermonie looked at him oddly.
"Not-that-I-ever-did."
"See that look on his face?"
"Yeah?"
"Guess what he just did?"
"I don't know"
"Kissed your sister"
"-WHAT, Ginny? He did what!"
Ron looked down the Gryffindor table, as if to find something wrong with Harry's absurd suggestion.
"Nice try Harry, but she's not even at dinner"
"That's because she's over there making eyes with my-er-our enemy."
Ron glanced over, and sure enough, there was Ginny, flirting with Malfoy, who was sitting next to Crabbe, making out with a cupcake.
The look on Ron's face almost suggested that Hermonie had demanded he have himself castrated.
"I don't believe this!" Ron bellowed.
"Well you better start. Ginny told me last night that Malfoy and her had a bit of a "thing" going on, and not to tell you. She didn't want you to know.just incase you reacted in a similar way you did to her and Dean." Hermonie said.
When Ron had found out about Ginny and Dean he had gone temporarily insane. This wouldn't have effected anyone else much if he hadn't ran around demanding to be tarred and feathered. In the end he eventually tried to season himself with chicken stock. It was about this time Ginny broke it off with Dean.
"Well there's no need to bloody well tell me now is there! I can see it from here!"
Ginny and Malfoy appeared to be in the middle of a rather wet, and disgusting, in Ron's opinion, display of adolescent affection.
"Ewwwwwww, it burns, it burns!"
Ron wasn't taking the news very well. Hermonie had been dreading telling him, but, Ron was right, there was obviously no need to tell him now, he could see EVERYTHING for himself.
"I think we better go." Hermonie said to Harry, concerned.
"That's disgusting."
Harry agreed and threw one of Ron's arms over his shoulder, Hermonie took the other and they carried the wailing Ron out of the Great hall.
On the way up to the common room Ron pulled Hermonie close and said:
"You must avenge my death Kimba, I mean Simba."
"Sure thing Mufasa. Anything you say."
***
After Ron finally settled down, at 9:30, he decided that now would be a good time to study. He was obviously delirious. Despite this Hermonie did not object and neither did Harry, much to Hermonie's disappointment.
They made their way up the boy's staircase and into the dorm where they found Neville, Harry's Transfiguration partner.
Ron and Hermonie situated themselves on Ron's bed and emptied their bags. Neville and Harry sprawled out their information in front of them and sat on the floor near the window.
Sometime passed and neither of the teams were doing much study, Ron was attempting it, but only because when ever he paused the image of Ginny and Malfoy popped up with a vengeance of 2 dozen semi-digested meat pies.
Harry and Neville were deeply immersed in an intelligent conversation about beef jerky.
Hermonie reached into the depths of her bag and retrieved yet another book entitled: Making love to Ronald Weasley; the users guide, and held it up high, trying to get Ron's attention- unsuccessful.
"If this isn't subliminal then I don't know what is!" Hermonie thought.
"Hey harry," Ron asked while he moved down onto the floor with them.
"Yeah" Harry replied as Hermonie moved down onto the floor as well.
"Can I borrow your glasses, just for a laugh?"
"Yeah, why not." Harry said, handing them over.
Ron put them on.
"Wow..." He expressed in a kind of a trance a three year old slips into when they shit themselves.
Ron turned to who he assumed was Harry.
"Oh no," Ron said, touching Harry's forehead, "you've lost your scar...but you grew a nice set of boobs..."
"Aherm..."
"Oh, sorry Hermonie..."
"Give me those!" Neville snatched the glasses from Ron, and upon putting them on, turned to Hermonie.
"Hey Handsome, wanna hook up later on?"
"What was that Hermonie?"
"I said stop picturing me in a thong!"
"Oh..." ***
Ron and Neville both had bottomless pits for stomachs, so naturally, even after having dinner, they were both still hungry and went down to the kitchens to harass some innocent house elves for food. If it had been any other time, Harry would have joined them, but the Ginny and Draco fiasco had him in a bit of a temporary depression.
"How are you?" Hermonie asked, moving onto the end of Harry's bed.
Harry was sitting up under his covers looking out the window, an odd expression of self pity and anger on his face that made him look like a demented sloth eating a pineapple.
"Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. A bit sleepy, a bit tired, a bit angry, a bit confused, a bit rejected, a bit-"
"Ok, I get the picture. I tried to warn you that night we were playing Wizards chess but-"
"Yeah, but I didn't actually think you were serious! I just don't understand. What does he have that I don't?"
"Toilet training?"
"One time Hermonie, ONE TIME!
"Ok, point noted. But think realistically Harry. Do you really think you two would have even got together if you weren't willing to make a move?"
"But Ginny could have-"
"Yes, Ginny could have. But you know Ginny. She's got more confidence this year, but not THAT much. Besides if you've defeated Voldermort numerous times, you'd think the you'd be able to master this."
"This is completely different! Defeating Voldermort was child's play, were talking about slaying sexual tension here Hermonie!
"Slaying sexual tension?"
"...Quiet you! And what do you mean she isn't confidant enough? She asked Malfoy didn't she?"
"No. He asked Her."
"Bastard, he's always one step ahead!"
"About that Harry...I don't know what Malfoy is getting at..."
"Meaning?"
"Well, when has Malfoy ever showed any interest in Ginny before this? He might like her, he might be trying to make you jealous, he might be getting a sex change, who knows? But I'm pretty sure that he's not after her child like innocence."
"You're right, but what do you want me to do? I can't reverse a sex change. If you're asking me to talk to her then I already do that."
"Talk to her about THIS Harry, about THIS!"
"Ok, fine, fine...later."
"Unless by later you mean tomorrow then I'm going to have to kick you in the nuts."
"No, by later I mean at the burrow."
"Fine, but if anything happens to Ginny between now and then, Mr. Harry Potter," Hermonie said, poking him hard in the chest, "then I promise you, you will never have to worry about contraception again!"
"Alright, enough about that, I don't want to hear you threatening my unproduced sperm again. How about you and Ron, 'ey?"
"Me and Ron? Like I said earlier-"
"You're madly in love with him!"
"Yes- WAIT-no!"
"I knew it! I knew it! Hermonie loves-"
At this moment Ron and Neville returned, arms full of food.
"What's going on?" Ron asked at the fragment of Harry's previous sentence he had over heard.
"Er- we were just talking about the wide market for new beef jerky products and other meaty accessories."
If it had been anyone else other than Ron and Neville, they wouldn't have bought it, but it so happened that they themselves had continued their conversation about beef jerky down in the kitchens and saw nothing suspicious about it.
Dean and Seamus walked through the door, saw the food and made there was towards it.
"Well, you four hungry? We bought back heaps of stuff."
"Yeah" Harry, Hermonie, Dean and Seamus said, moving onto Ron's bed.
A/N: The next chapter should be up some time this week. Please Review!