A/N: Simpson's Quotes still remain, one from Monsters Inc, annnnnnnddddddd
I think that's about it. The rest is just a whole bunch of crap I threw
together. Not that I think you all will mind much, I haven't had a bad
review yet, so I must be doing something right! lol.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But then again, who does? Ok, so J.K. Rowling does, big deal, my point is, eggplant tastes weird.
Chapter Seven:
Malfoy's testicle deficiency, testicle removal and the 80's testicle fad.
(A/N: Yes, testicles are a major theme for this chapter, lol.)
"Why are you so grumpy?" Ginny asked Harry while walking down one of Hogwarts many shabby corridors.
"I'm not grumpy!" A very disgruntled Harry replied in defensive tone.
Harry had spent both Saturday night and Sunday at the hospital wing and, if possible, it had made the situation worse. Instead of sleeping, Harry had stayed up all night thinking of ways to get rid if Malfoy. He vaguely remembered coming up with:
"Using mainly spoons.we dig a tunnel under Hogwarts and release him into the wild!"
45 scenario's, and that was the best one.
Harry soon realized that this idea was unpractical, he hadn't enough spoons.
Ginny turned off at this point in their conversation and over to McGonagall's classroom while the rest of them headed for Snape's Dungeon. Malfoy strode over to her, a little too cockily, and kissed her, in much the same disgusting way he had the evening before.
"Mr. Malfoy, kindly keep it in your pants. See me during transfiguration next period to appoint you a detention time and venue." Professor McGonagall scowled.
Harry and Ron laughed to themselves at Malfoy's misfortune. But after all, he did deserve it. After 6 years at Hogwarts, strutting around like he owned the place in a "look-at-me-look-at-me-my-father-is-a-death-eater" kind of fashion, it was about time he got a detention.
"You know what you need?" Ron suggested, taking Ginny's place, "A little comic strip called "Love is.", its about two naked eight year olds who are married..."
Ron's "helpful suggestion" was in vain, as the last thing Harry wanted to think about was two naked eight year olds.
"And how would that help?" Hermonie butted in.
"In numerous ways, all of which you are to dim witted to understand!"
"You don't know do you?"
"I don't see how that's relevant."
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle caught up to the rest of the class and trailed behind Ron, Harry and Hermonie.
"Well, I got detention," Malfoy said loud enough for Harry, and everyone else to hear, "but it was worth it." He winked in their direction as they waited outside Snape's dungeon.
This was about as much as both Ron and Harry could take, but surprisingly, in a not so surprising way, Hermonie was the only one who acted out on it.
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven."
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven." He mimicked in a high pitch tone.
"That's not funny!"
"That's not funny!"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Malfoy sucks!"
"Malfoy suc-"
"Will you all kindly shut up, I'm on the phone!" Snape yelled from inside his dungeon.
Curious, the class walked to the door and stopped in the doorframe to listen in.
"Yeah Minerva," Snape said into the mouth piece, "That team sure did suck last night, I mean, I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Oh, I've gotta go, my damn wiener students are listening."
***
After Potions Ron, Hermonie and Harry made their way to Transfiguration. The walk was fairly dull, apart from a little embarrassing incident with a house elf on the staircase. Goyle had been walking in front of the three some when a house elf sprung out from a hole in the wall on the unsuspecting 6th year and dacked him, rendering him trouser-less, amongst other things.
Goyle only worsened the situation for himself when, in a fit of embarrassment, called out to the run away house elf:
"I prefer my pant's on, THANK-YOU!"
Once in the class, they seated themselves in the middle toward the left, while Malfoy waited impatiently at Professor McGonagall's desk awaiting his punishment.
"Mr. Malofy, you know as well as I do, that any kind of physical affection between students is punishable by sack whacking."
McGonagall paused at the look of terror on Malfoy's face when he clutched his genitalia.
"Of course, I feel that that is a little harsh and have appointed you to serve detention at 7:00 tonight in Hagrid's hut."
"That's not to bad." Malfoy thought.
"Hagrid will inform you of your tasks on your arrival. However, I am under the impression that they will revolve around the forbidden forest.I'll be in to check on you at around 7:30."
Malfoy's face went pale. It was widely known that Draco Malfoy was gutless and all talk. In fact, compared to Harry, who had balls of steal, Malfoy was more on the Styrofoam side.
"Would it be wrong of me to assume," Professer McGonagall said to the class, dismissing Malfoy, "that you are all near the completion of you're studying for your practical task?"
"Shit." Ron heard Hermonie whisper next to him. They both had completely forgotten about the assignment, which was a lot unlike Hermonie. She had been so busy desperately trying to get Ron to notice her that she had completely forgotten all her schoolwork.
Neville and Harry were in the same situation, they had spent most of their time talking about beef jerky that they had forgotten their all-important education. Despite Ron's, Hermonie's, Harry's and Neville's lateness on this assessment, the rest of the class looked pretty well finished.
"Need I remind you, that this is an important task, and I expect no less then perfection concerning its completion. You will pre-form your task in this room next Thursday, two days from now in your pairs. Any questions?"
"We HAVE to study tonight Ron."
"Yeah, I know."
They whispered to each other, covering their mouths as to not arise suspicion with Professor McGonagall.
"Your dormitory?"
"Yeah. Eight O'clock all right?
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Planing another get together are we?" Dean said leaning forward from the desk behind them.
"You're really pushing it." Ron whispered angrily under his breath.
"No need to get so defensive, Princess." Dean taunted.
"If you don't piss off," Ron said, raising his voice, "then I'm going to turn around and stick my foot up your-"
"Problem, Mr. Weasley?" Professor McGonagall asked curiously, towering over Ron in an authoritative manner.
"No Professor."
***
Ron, Harry and Hermonie sat by a window over looking the school grounds in the Gryffindor common room that evening. Ron was flipping through some sort of Quidditch magazine, occasionally glancing up at Hermonie who was starring out into the grounds, and Harry was avoiding Ginny's eye. He wasn't doing a very good job; Ginny kept spotting him starring and then quickly looking away.
"Hey look at that!" Hermonie pointed out into the grounds.
It was Malfoy on a stretcher exiting the forbidden forest, hovering around him was Hagrid and Professor McGonagall. Harry opened the window as to hear what they were saying when they approached the castle.
"I'll have you sacked for this!" Malfoy was yelling at them from the stretcher.
"Oh shut up Malfoy, it can't be that bad!" McGonagall shouted back.
"I AM MISSING MY LEFT TESTICAL, HOW BAD ARE YOU ASSUMING IT IS!!!???!!!"
Apparently, Malfoy and Hagrid had been in the forbidden forest collecting wood and so forth when Professor McGonagall came to check on Malfoy as promised. When trying to catch up to them, Professor McGonagall stepped on a large twig, snapping it in half. This noise had scared Fang and he made an attempt to run for it. Unfortunately, for Malfoy, he was standing in Fang's way. One thing lead to another and some how Fang thought it necessary to bound into Malfoy's crutch and retrieve his left testicle as if in the middle of a game of fetch.
A few Gryffindors ran down the staircase to taunt Malfoy and his lacking of left testicle. Although the trio agreed the circumstances were taunt-able, they had to study sometime soon, and figured that he would still be missing his testicle tomorrow, so what was the rush?
The three some waited around in the common room for a while for the others to return with amusing news, but grew impatient and went to Ron and Harry's dormitory to study.
Upstairs they found Neville already preparing.
Harry walked over to Neville and Ron and Hermonie moved their things out onto the Balcony.
"So anyway," Harry said to Neville as he sat down, "in continuation of our earlier conversation, I would like to argue that the new beef-jerky range is no where near successful as the original. For one, it's not as-"
Ron shut the balcony door. He could never understand their obsession with beef jerky. For a while Harry had switched to ham, but complained it wasn't the same. He then went on to try Devon, luncheon, bacon and finally, his all time low, Spam.
"Good Idea. Do we have any information.at all?" Hermonie asked
"I have two answers for that question. One is made up.and so is the other one."
"I'll take that as a no. This is going to be a lonnnngggg night."
After many hours, and talk of beef jerky, Ron, Hermonie, Neville and Harry finished their studying.
"Are you guys hungry?" Neville asked the trio.
"No, no, no.yes." Harry replied.
So Harry and Neville went down to the kitchens for yet another memorable and harassing visit to the house elves. Ron and Hermonie remained on the balcony.
"So." Ron attempted to make conversation.
"Yes."
Luckily Dean burst in at this moment.
"Hey guess what?"
"What?" they both asked, mildly interested.
"Madam Promfry jerry rigged Malfoy another testicle."
"Damn!" Ron had been looking forward to the many insults he could have dished out about hating to have only one testicle and so forth.
"Word has it, that it's made of a slightly retarded pumpkin and half a piece of pie."
"Caramel?"
"Yeah."
"I suspected so."
It was widely known Madam Promfry favored caramel pie over all other foods concerning the process of jerry rigging body parts, especially testicles. You wouldn't think that jerry-rigging testicles would be a common task, but it was. Out of all her patients Madam Promfry had given out more fake testicles than any other organ. This procedure reached its peak during the 80's when testicle removal became immensely popular for some odd reason or another. Anyway, the fad fizzled out, but you can bet any money that more than half of the male staff at Hogwarts have a fake testicle, as it was the style at the style at the time.
"Ok, well I'm off to go taunt Malfoy in his hospital bed, see ya Princess."
"Piss off!"
Dean left and Ron and Hermonie laughed for a while over Malfoy's demented fake testicle, then they moved back out onto the balcony.
"Hey, do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Shhh, listen."
Professor McGonagall and Snape were out on one of the fields talking.
"I do hope Malfoy is alright." Snape said in a mock empathy tone.
"Ha! Yes, Ahem, I mean, I.also.hope Malfoy is ok.ahem."
Ron and Hermonie both knew McGonagall couldn't give two shits about Malfoy.
"I don't like being outdoors Minerva, for one thing there are two many fat children." Snape complained, looking over at Crabbe and Goyle talking to Pansy, probably about Malfoy and his absent testicle.
"Yes, I do agree."
Snape and McGonagall walked back to the castle, hand in hand.
Ron and Hermonie found this both shocking and disgusting.
"Ewwww there should be a law against that, they're so old!"
"Agreed, but who would have ever picked those two as a couple."
"Who would ever WANT to pick those two as a couple." Ron said, gagging.
"Are you planning on going back to your dorm tonight?"
"Depends if Harry goes into another spiraling depression and a lengthy speech on "Why I am a beef addict," Hermonie quoted, but I probably will, but if I get too tired I might just sleep on the floor or something."
"Good, good."
***
A/N: Next chapter will be up.soon. PLEASE review.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But then again, who does? Ok, so J.K. Rowling does, big deal, my point is, eggplant tastes weird.
Chapter Seven:
Malfoy's testicle deficiency, testicle removal and the 80's testicle fad.
(A/N: Yes, testicles are a major theme for this chapter, lol.)
"Why are you so grumpy?" Ginny asked Harry while walking down one of Hogwarts many shabby corridors.
"I'm not grumpy!" A very disgruntled Harry replied in defensive tone.
Harry had spent both Saturday night and Sunday at the hospital wing and, if possible, it had made the situation worse. Instead of sleeping, Harry had stayed up all night thinking of ways to get rid if Malfoy. He vaguely remembered coming up with:
"Using mainly spoons.we dig a tunnel under Hogwarts and release him into the wild!"
45 scenario's, and that was the best one.
Harry soon realized that this idea was unpractical, he hadn't enough spoons.
Ginny turned off at this point in their conversation and over to McGonagall's classroom while the rest of them headed for Snape's Dungeon. Malfoy strode over to her, a little too cockily, and kissed her, in much the same disgusting way he had the evening before.
"Mr. Malfoy, kindly keep it in your pants. See me during transfiguration next period to appoint you a detention time and venue." Professor McGonagall scowled.
Harry and Ron laughed to themselves at Malfoy's misfortune. But after all, he did deserve it. After 6 years at Hogwarts, strutting around like he owned the place in a "look-at-me-look-at-me-my-father-is-a-death-eater" kind of fashion, it was about time he got a detention.
"You know what you need?" Ron suggested, taking Ginny's place, "A little comic strip called "Love is.", its about two naked eight year olds who are married..."
Ron's "helpful suggestion" was in vain, as the last thing Harry wanted to think about was two naked eight year olds.
"And how would that help?" Hermonie butted in.
"In numerous ways, all of which you are to dim witted to understand!"
"You don't know do you?"
"I don't see how that's relevant."
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle caught up to the rest of the class and trailed behind Ron, Harry and Hermonie.
"Well, I got detention," Malfoy said loud enough for Harry, and everyone else to hear, "but it was worth it." He winked in their direction as they waited outside Snape's dungeon.
This was about as much as both Ron and Harry could take, but surprisingly, in a not so surprising way, Hermonie was the only one who acted out on it.
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven."
"Oh grow up Malfoy, and stop being so cock driven." He mimicked in a high pitch tone.
"That's not funny!"
"That's not funny!"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Malfoy sucks!"
"Malfoy suc-"
"Will you all kindly shut up, I'm on the phone!" Snape yelled from inside his dungeon.
Curious, the class walked to the door and stopped in the doorframe to listen in.
"Yeah Minerva," Snape said into the mouth piece, "That team sure did suck last night, I mean, I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Oh, I've gotta go, my damn wiener students are listening."
***
After Potions Ron, Hermonie and Harry made their way to Transfiguration. The walk was fairly dull, apart from a little embarrassing incident with a house elf on the staircase. Goyle had been walking in front of the three some when a house elf sprung out from a hole in the wall on the unsuspecting 6th year and dacked him, rendering him trouser-less, amongst other things.
Goyle only worsened the situation for himself when, in a fit of embarrassment, called out to the run away house elf:
"I prefer my pant's on, THANK-YOU!"
Once in the class, they seated themselves in the middle toward the left, while Malfoy waited impatiently at Professor McGonagall's desk awaiting his punishment.
"Mr. Malofy, you know as well as I do, that any kind of physical affection between students is punishable by sack whacking."
McGonagall paused at the look of terror on Malfoy's face when he clutched his genitalia.
"Of course, I feel that that is a little harsh and have appointed you to serve detention at 7:00 tonight in Hagrid's hut."
"That's not to bad." Malfoy thought.
"Hagrid will inform you of your tasks on your arrival. However, I am under the impression that they will revolve around the forbidden forest.I'll be in to check on you at around 7:30."
Malfoy's face went pale. It was widely known that Draco Malfoy was gutless and all talk. In fact, compared to Harry, who had balls of steal, Malfoy was more on the Styrofoam side.
"Would it be wrong of me to assume," Professer McGonagall said to the class, dismissing Malfoy, "that you are all near the completion of you're studying for your practical task?"
"Shit." Ron heard Hermonie whisper next to him. They both had completely forgotten about the assignment, which was a lot unlike Hermonie. She had been so busy desperately trying to get Ron to notice her that she had completely forgotten all her schoolwork.
Neville and Harry were in the same situation, they had spent most of their time talking about beef jerky that they had forgotten their all-important education. Despite Ron's, Hermonie's, Harry's and Neville's lateness on this assessment, the rest of the class looked pretty well finished.
"Need I remind you, that this is an important task, and I expect no less then perfection concerning its completion. You will pre-form your task in this room next Thursday, two days from now in your pairs. Any questions?"
"We HAVE to study tonight Ron."
"Yeah, I know."
They whispered to each other, covering their mouths as to not arise suspicion with Professor McGonagall.
"Your dormitory?"
"Yeah. Eight O'clock all right?
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Planing another get together are we?" Dean said leaning forward from the desk behind them.
"You're really pushing it." Ron whispered angrily under his breath.
"No need to get so defensive, Princess." Dean taunted.
"If you don't piss off," Ron said, raising his voice, "then I'm going to turn around and stick my foot up your-"
"Problem, Mr. Weasley?" Professor McGonagall asked curiously, towering over Ron in an authoritative manner.
"No Professor."
***
Ron, Harry and Hermonie sat by a window over looking the school grounds in the Gryffindor common room that evening. Ron was flipping through some sort of Quidditch magazine, occasionally glancing up at Hermonie who was starring out into the grounds, and Harry was avoiding Ginny's eye. He wasn't doing a very good job; Ginny kept spotting him starring and then quickly looking away.
"Hey look at that!" Hermonie pointed out into the grounds.
It was Malfoy on a stretcher exiting the forbidden forest, hovering around him was Hagrid and Professor McGonagall. Harry opened the window as to hear what they were saying when they approached the castle.
"I'll have you sacked for this!" Malfoy was yelling at them from the stretcher.
"Oh shut up Malfoy, it can't be that bad!" McGonagall shouted back.
"I AM MISSING MY LEFT TESTICAL, HOW BAD ARE YOU ASSUMING IT IS!!!???!!!"
Apparently, Malfoy and Hagrid had been in the forbidden forest collecting wood and so forth when Professor McGonagall came to check on Malfoy as promised. When trying to catch up to them, Professor McGonagall stepped on a large twig, snapping it in half. This noise had scared Fang and he made an attempt to run for it. Unfortunately, for Malfoy, he was standing in Fang's way. One thing lead to another and some how Fang thought it necessary to bound into Malfoy's crutch and retrieve his left testicle as if in the middle of a game of fetch.
A few Gryffindors ran down the staircase to taunt Malfoy and his lacking of left testicle. Although the trio agreed the circumstances were taunt-able, they had to study sometime soon, and figured that he would still be missing his testicle tomorrow, so what was the rush?
The three some waited around in the common room for a while for the others to return with amusing news, but grew impatient and went to Ron and Harry's dormitory to study.
Upstairs they found Neville already preparing.
Harry walked over to Neville and Ron and Hermonie moved their things out onto the Balcony.
"So anyway," Harry said to Neville as he sat down, "in continuation of our earlier conversation, I would like to argue that the new beef-jerky range is no where near successful as the original. For one, it's not as-"
Ron shut the balcony door. He could never understand their obsession with beef jerky. For a while Harry had switched to ham, but complained it wasn't the same. He then went on to try Devon, luncheon, bacon and finally, his all time low, Spam.
"Good Idea. Do we have any information.at all?" Hermonie asked
"I have two answers for that question. One is made up.and so is the other one."
"I'll take that as a no. This is going to be a lonnnngggg night."
After many hours, and talk of beef jerky, Ron, Hermonie, Neville and Harry finished their studying.
"Are you guys hungry?" Neville asked the trio.
"No, no, no.yes." Harry replied.
So Harry and Neville went down to the kitchens for yet another memorable and harassing visit to the house elves. Ron and Hermonie remained on the balcony.
"So." Ron attempted to make conversation.
"Yes."
Luckily Dean burst in at this moment.
"Hey guess what?"
"What?" they both asked, mildly interested.
"Madam Promfry jerry rigged Malfoy another testicle."
"Damn!" Ron had been looking forward to the many insults he could have dished out about hating to have only one testicle and so forth.
"Word has it, that it's made of a slightly retarded pumpkin and half a piece of pie."
"Caramel?"
"Yeah."
"I suspected so."
It was widely known Madam Promfry favored caramel pie over all other foods concerning the process of jerry rigging body parts, especially testicles. You wouldn't think that jerry-rigging testicles would be a common task, but it was. Out of all her patients Madam Promfry had given out more fake testicles than any other organ. This procedure reached its peak during the 80's when testicle removal became immensely popular for some odd reason or another. Anyway, the fad fizzled out, but you can bet any money that more than half of the male staff at Hogwarts have a fake testicle, as it was the style at the style at the time.
"Ok, well I'm off to go taunt Malfoy in his hospital bed, see ya Princess."
"Piss off!"
Dean left and Ron and Hermonie laughed for a while over Malfoy's demented fake testicle, then they moved back out onto the balcony.
"Hey, do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Shhh, listen."
Professor McGonagall and Snape were out on one of the fields talking.
"I do hope Malfoy is alright." Snape said in a mock empathy tone.
"Ha! Yes, Ahem, I mean, I.also.hope Malfoy is ok.ahem."
Ron and Hermonie both knew McGonagall couldn't give two shits about Malfoy.
"I don't like being outdoors Minerva, for one thing there are two many fat children." Snape complained, looking over at Crabbe and Goyle talking to Pansy, probably about Malfoy and his absent testicle.
"Yes, I do agree."
Snape and McGonagall walked back to the castle, hand in hand.
Ron and Hermonie found this both shocking and disgusting.
"Ewwww there should be a law against that, they're so old!"
"Agreed, but who would have ever picked those two as a couple."
"Who would ever WANT to pick those two as a couple." Ron said, gagging.
"Are you planning on going back to your dorm tonight?"
"Depends if Harry goes into another spiraling depression and a lengthy speech on "Why I am a beef addict," Hermonie quoted, but I probably will, but if I get too tired I might just sleep on the floor or something."
"Good, good."
***
A/N: Next chapter will be up.soon. PLEASE review.