A/N: Ok, I realise how long this chapter has taking to get finished, and I
do realise it's considerably shorter than the ones from before, but it's
done now so read it! Ok, this chapter also doesn't go anywhere, just aiming
to get a few laughs really. Last time I updated I only got 3 new reviews,
so I guess I was a little discouraged. Anyways READ ON!
Disclaimer: ...
Chapter 10:
The "I have violent diarrhoea ploy", Miss Fern and Ron's pubic hair of steel
Ron, Harry and Hermione followed McGonagall in single file to her office, chained to each other at the wrists.
Ron had tried to escape, but failed. The "I have violent diarrhoea" ploy only ever works once.
When McGonagall found his claim to be false, she went into the men's room (not an uncommon thing really), blew open the door, and caught Ron trying to unlock his handcuffs with his pubic hair.
Ron had always said the Weasley genes were only good for a few things, it was now evident as to what. Harry remembered one summer, when Hermione, himself and Ron had taken up residence at the burrow. Mr Weasley gathered the children round the campfire and told tales of old: like, how to sexually exploit pot plants, The myth of the Female orgasm, and, Harry vaguely recalled and entire evening devoted to capsicum: friend, or foe?
Ever since his recapture Ron had been trying, pointlessly, to get McGonagall to reconsider that perhaps his excretory system was in crisis.
"Owwwwww, my colon!" Ron said, collapsing into a ball in the corridor, a few doors ahead of her office.
"Get up Mr Weasley before I kick you in the general rectal area! "
Ron bounced back up and resumed his previous stance.
"What's the purpose of these shackles?" Hermione said as eloquently as you can with your face still covered in the remains poultry and all the other food groups.
"Sexual pract- Security purposes, Miss Granger, Security purposes!"
***
"What do you MEAN my membership from Parish porn has expired?! Oh, hang on, I've got another call on the line. Hello?"
"Mr Weasley?"
"Yeah"
"Good. Your son, and his "groupies" ("Hey! I'm Harry Potter, if anything they should be MY groupies!" "No fucking way am I your groupie!" "BLOODY HELL, SHUT-UP, I'M ON A CALL!") were caught breaking several school rules, if you don't come to some sort or consequence, then he won't have to worry about coming in on Monday! ("Wahoo! Three day weekend!")
"Listen here lady, I pay you to parent my children, so go ahead, expel him, give him the cane, whatever, but don't put it on my head if he's taking part in strange sexual practices!"
"I never said anything about strange sexual practices"
"You didn't? Sorry, my bad"
"He needs to be punished. I believe with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
"Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join: John Marshall. Charles Evans Hughes. Warren Berger. Hmmmm, Burger..."
"Yes, Burger. Do you have any idea when Ron became so rebellious?"
"It started the summer of 1989, Molly and I had had a few, long story short, she was on the pill, and I was impotent for the better part of the evening, but we still managed to accidentally conceive Ron"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Not a lot"
"Oh, and I suppose when you brought him to Hogwarts you thought it would straighten him out a bit?"
"Actually, we were more concerned with how much we'd get back on our tax return. But I suppose, in a way, yes. But it seems my impression of Hogwarts is a little false. When I first heard that Ron was enrolling at Hogwarts, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy"
"Yes, very well then, I'll leave it up to you to talk to the boy, I'll be down at the feast-"
"So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free!"
"Dad?"
"WAY TO GO SON- I HEAR YOU'VE PART TAKEN IN YOUR FIRST STRANGE SEXUAL PRACTICE!"
"...have you been drinking?"
"It' St. Patrick's day, I'm aloud a few."
"St. Patrick's day was weeks ago."
"Fine, post-St. Patrick's day"
***
Ron, Hermione and Harry awoke on the floor of McGonagall's office the following morning. Apparently Mr Weasley had spent all night talking, because when Hermione picked up the phone to put it back on the hook Mr Weasley said: "It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever."
"Since your father was either to inebriated or just too stupid to come to some sort of punishment, I've been forced to make one myself" McGonagall announced upon her arrival.
"And us?" Harry and Hermione said in unionism.
"ALL of you are suspended for 2 weeks"
"Where at?"
"Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get onto either of your parents. Apparently, Miss Granger, your parents have gone on an overseas holiday, with out leaving a contact number. And Harry, well, your parents are dead, so there you go. You'll all be at the Burrow because of this, and these 2 weeks run into the Christmas holidays, so I'll be seeing you all when school starts again."
*** Ron, Harry and Hermione went up to the boy's dormitory to collect their things. After waking in Ron's bed many, many times Hermione had just decided to move in. This involved Seamus moving into the girl's dormitory, not that he had had a problem with it. But, of course, when Seamus moved, Dean wanted to move, and when Dean moved, Neville wanted to move. And so it happened, that Neville, Dean and Seamus now lived in the girl's dormitory, and there hadn't been any complaints since.
Harry was sulking, sitting on top of his suitcase, trying to push down the lid. Ron went over to help close it.
"Are you stealing those Hogwarts bed sheets?"
"They're souvenirs, Ron, souvenirs. They expect you to take a few things."
"Is that my tie?"
"Souvenir"
Hermione joined them.
"You know, this is actually going to be all right."
"Yeah..." Harry replied
"What's wrong with you?"
"Ginny wont be there for weeks."
"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch!" Ron shouted, now the only one trying to close the suitcase.
"What?"
"Ever since you started therapy (Harry had been sent to a counsellor, by order of Hermione that morning before McGonagall informed them of their suspension) all you can talk about is yourself!"
"I just came out of my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet!"
"See: I just came out of MY first session and I haven't opened MY mouth yet."
***
"All right, I'll be seeing you when you get back, I hope this suspension will teach you all a valuable lesson, and maybe, you might just come back a little more mature."
"Perhaps, but I'll never be like those men who stroke their chins, cluck their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Ronald Weasley!"
"...just get on the train"
"Yes Miss"
Though it seemed strange to be starting a whole train just to go to Kings cross Station for only three students- that's just how the bloody story goes- so don't question it!
They pulled in at the station and said goodbye to the conductor. Hagrid had been driving the train, well, at least temporarily. The real conductor had got his license revoked when he was caught drunk at the wheel. Though Harry wasn't so sure if putting Hagrid on as his replacement had been such a good idea- He was pressing the controls with his toes when they departed and had his beard stuck in a pencil sharpener.
Mr Weasley greeted them at the station entrance.
"Harry, so good to see you" He turned to Ron, "And you must be one of my many, many offspring?"
"Yes, dad."
"And you are?" Mr Weasley asked, now facing Hermione.
"Come on Mr Wealsey, we've met...several times"
"Oh yes, I recall you making a pass at me at my works last Christmas party"
"No, you must be thinking of someone else"
"Are you sure? Because I can distinctively remember some one of your height, your hair colour, kind of spiky too."
"ER- Dad-"
"Not now Ron. Yes...as I recall there was quiet a lot of bark...Fern, yes that's right, Miss Fern"
"Dad, are you thinking of the time when you were arrested for disturbing the peace and Mum had to bail you out of jail?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"That wasn't Miss Fern, that was A Fern."
"Oh...WAIT! Now I know who you are! You're that little fuzzy haired friend of Ronald's!"
"...Yes"
She felt a little embarrassed at this point. She had tried and tried to smooth her frizzy locks, but 'twas no good.
"And by the way." Mr Weasley bent his knees and brought himself level with Hermione's ear. Hermione listened in, hoping that perhaps he was going to reveal some sort of miracle tonic for her hair troubles, or at least some sort of contraceptive, "Ron quiet fancies you."
Mr Weasley resumed his previous stance and locked his hands into his belt buckles, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet, looking quiet pleased with himself.
"Oh, well, Very good then. Now, quick, to the bee mobile!"
"You mean your shebby?"
"...Yes"
***
"Oh, I nearly forgot," Mr Weasley said on the way home, "I think me and you're mother are having a bit of trouble."
"...You woke up on the lawn again, didn't you?"
"...Yes..."
The car neared an intersection.
"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"
"Mr Weasley! What about the Road rules?" Hermione spoke up.
"Screw the road rules! This is a democracy! Majority rules!"
"But wouldn't that make you the minority?"
"...Shut up!"
***
A speeding ticket, an officer assault charge, a taxi ride home and three and a-half-hours later they arrived, exhausted back at the Burrow.
"What was the assault charge for again?" Ron asked as they neared the front steps.
Mr Weasley sighed, "I told you, I thought the cop was a prostitute"
"Oh..."
Mrs Weasley emerged from the front door and ran towards them, looking some what constipated, or angry, her expression was a little vague on her current mood.
"And where have you been, Authur! I've been out of my mind with worry, in much the same way I was when Ron, Fred and George flew to Privet drive and rescued Harry! That reminds me- Ron, go to your room!"
"Molly, Molly, calm down, calm down."
"Stop repeating everything!"
"Ok, ok."
"Aurthur, for how long is this going to go on? Ever since your vasectomy you've been a real shit!"
"Dad's de-sexed? HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!"
"Shut up or I'll have you circumcised!"
It was at this Ron ran inside and cowered in the corner of their kitchen, rocking back and forth, repeating something about not being Jewish and nobody touching his foreskin, whether it be for religious purposes or just a kinky interest.
***
Disclaimer: ...
Chapter 10:
The "I have violent diarrhoea ploy", Miss Fern and Ron's pubic hair of steel
Ron, Harry and Hermione followed McGonagall in single file to her office, chained to each other at the wrists.
Ron had tried to escape, but failed. The "I have violent diarrhoea" ploy only ever works once.
When McGonagall found his claim to be false, she went into the men's room (not an uncommon thing really), blew open the door, and caught Ron trying to unlock his handcuffs with his pubic hair.
Ron had always said the Weasley genes were only good for a few things, it was now evident as to what. Harry remembered one summer, when Hermione, himself and Ron had taken up residence at the burrow. Mr Weasley gathered the children round the campfire and told tales of old: like, how to sexually exploit pot plants, The myth of the Female orgasm, and, Harry vaguely recalled and entire evening devoted to capsicum: friend, or foe?
Ever since his recapture Ron had been trying, pointlessly, to get McGonagall to reconsider that perhaps his excretory system was in crisis.
"Owwwwww, my colon!" Ron said, collapsing into a ball in the corridor, a few doors ahead of her office.
"Get up Mr Weasley before I kick you in the general rectal area! "
Ron bounced back up and resumed his previous stance.
"What's the purpose of these shackles?" Hermione said as eloquently as you can with your face still covered in the remains poultry and all the other food groups.
"Sexual pract- Security purposes, Miss Granger, Security purposes!"
***
"What do you MEAN my membership from Parish porn has expired?! Oh, hang on, I've got another call on the line. Hello?"
"Mr Weasley?"
"Yeah"
"Good. Your son, and his "groupies" ("Hey! I'm Harry Potter, if anything they should be MY groupies!" "No fucking way am I your groupie!" "BLOODY HELL, SHUT-UP, I'M ON A CALL!") were caught breaking several school rules, if you don't come to some sort or consequence, then he won't have to worry about coming in on Monday! ("Wahoo! Three day weekend!")
"Listen here lady, I pay you to parent my children, so go ahead, expel him, give him the cane, whatever, but don't put it on my head if he's taking part in strange sexual practices!"
"I never said anything about strange sexual practices"
"You didn't? Sorry, my bad"
"He needs to be punished. I believe with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
"Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join: John Marshall. Charles Evans Hughes. Warren Berger. Hmmmm, Burger..."
"Yes, Burger. Do you have any idea when Ron became so rebellious?"
"It started the summer of 1989, Molly and I had had a few, long story short, she was on the pill, and I was impotent for the better part of the evening, but we still managed to accidentally conceive Ron"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Not a lot"
"Oh, and I suppose when you brought him to Hogwarts you thought it would straighten him out a bit?"
"Actually, we were more concerned with how much we'd get back on our tax return. But I suppose, in a way, yes. But it seems my impression of Hogwarts is a little false. When I first heard that Ron was enrolling at Hogwarts, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy"
"Yes, very well then, I'll leave it up to you to talk to the boy, I'll be down at the feast-"
"So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free!"
"Dad?"
"WAY TO GO SON- I HEAR YOU'VE PART TAKEN IN YOUR FIRST STRANGE SEXUAL PRACTICE!"
"...have you been drinking?"
"It' St. Patrick's day, I'm aloud a few."
"St. Patrick's day was weeks ago."
"Fine, post-St. Patrick's day"
***
Ron, Hermione and Harry awoke on the floor of McGonagall's office the following morning. Apparently Mr Weasley had spent all night talking, because when Hermione picked up the phone to put it back on the hook Mr Weasley said: "It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever."
"Since your father was either to inebriated or just too stupid to come to some sort of punishment, I've been forced to make one myself" McGonagall announced upon her arrival.
"And us?" Harry and Hermione said in unionism.
"ALL of you are suspended for 2 weeks"
"Where at?"
"Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get onto either of your parents. Apparently, Miss Granger, your parents have gone on an overseas holiday, with out leaving a contact number. And Harry, well, your parents are dead, so there you go. You'll all be at the Burrow because of this, and these 2 weeks run into the Christmas holidays, so I'll be seeing you all when school starts again."
*** Ron, Harry and Hermione went up to the boy's dormitory to collect their things. After waking in Ron's bed many, many times Hermione had just decided to move in. This involved Seamus moving into the girl's dormitory, not that he had had a problem with it. But, of course, when Seamus moved, Dean wanted to move, and when Dean moved, Neville wanted to move. And so it happened, that Neville, Dean and Seamus now lived in the girl's dormitory, and there hadn't been any complaints since.
Harry was sulking, sitting on top of his suitcase, trying to push down the lid. Ron went over to help close it.
"Are you stealing those Hogwarts bed sheets?"
"They're souvenirs, Ron, souvenirs. They expect you to take a few things."
"Is that my tie?"
"Souvenir"
Hermione joined them.
"You know, this is actually going to be all right."
"Yeah..." Harry replied
"What's wrong with you?"
"Ginny wont be there for weeks."
"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch!" Ron shouted, now the only one trying to close the suitcase.
"What?"
"Ever since you started therapy (Harry had been sent to a counsellor, by order of Hermione that morning before McGonagall informed them of their suspension) all you can talk about is yourself!"
"I just came out of my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet!"
"See: I just came out of MY first session and I haven't opened MY mouth yet."
***
"All right, I'll be seeing you when you get back, I hope this suspension will teach you all a valuable lesson, and maybe, you might just come back a little more mature."
"Perhaps, but I'll never be like those men who stroke their chins, cluck their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Ronald Weasley!"
"...just get on the train"
"Yes Miss"
Though it seemed strange to be starting a whole train just to go to Kings cross Station for only three students- that's just how the bloody story goes- so don't question it!
They pulled in at the station and said goodbye to the conductor. Hagrid had been driving the train, well, at least temporarily. The real conductor had got his license revoked when he was caught drunk at the wheel. Though Harry wasn't so sure if putting Hagrid on as his replacement had been such a good idea- He was pressing the controls with his toes when they departed and had his beard stuck in a pencil sharpener.
Mr Weasley greeted them at the station entrance.
"Harry, so good to see you" He turned to Ron, "And you must be one of my many, many offspring?"
"Yes, dad."
"And you are?" Mr Weasley asked, now facing Hermione.
"Come on Mr Wealsey, we've met...several times"
"Oh yes, I recall you making a pass at me at my works last Christmas party"
"No, you must be thinking of someone else"
"Are you sure? Because I can distinctively remember some one of your height, your hair colour, kind of spiky too."
"ER- Dad-"
"Not now Ron. Yes...as I recall there was quiet a lot of bark...Fern, yes that's right, Miss Fern"
"Dad, are you thinking of the time when you were arrested for disturbing the peace and Mum had to bail you out of jail?"
"Yes, that's the one."
"That wasn't Miss Fern, that was A Fern."
"Oh...WAIT! Now I know who you are! You're that little fuzzy haired friend of Ronald's!"
"...Yes"
She felt a little embarrassed at this point. She had tried and tried to smooth her frizzy locks, but 'twas no good.
"And by the way." Mr Weasley bent his knees and brought himself level with Hermione's ear. Hermione listened in, hoping that perhaps he was going to reveal some sort of miracle tonic for her hair troubles, or at least some sort of contraceptive, "Ron quiet fancies you."
Mr Weasley resumed his previous stance and locked his hands into his belt buckles, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet, looking quiet pleased with himself.
"Oh, well, Very good then. Now, quick, to the bee mobile!"
"You mean your shebby?"
"...Yes"
***
"Oh, I nearly forgot," Mr Weasley said on the way home, "I think me and you're mother are having a bit of trouble."
"...You woke up on the lawn again, didn't you?"
"...Yes..."
The car neared an intersection.
"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"
"Mr Weasley! What about the Road rules?" Hermione spoke up.
"Screw the road rules! This is a democracy! Majority rules!"
"But wouldn't that make you the minority?"
"...Shut up!"
***
A speeding ticket, an officer assault charge, a taxi ride home and three and a-half-hours later they arrived, exhausted back at the Burrow.
"What was the assault charge for again?" Ron asked as they neared the front steps.
Mr Weasley sighed, "I told you, I thought the cop was a prostitute"
"Oh..."
Mrs Weasley emerged from the front door and ran towards them, looking some what constipated, or angry, her expression was a little vague on her current mood.
"And where have you been, Authur! I've been out of my mind with worry, in much the same way I was when Ron, Fred and George flew to Privet drive and rescued Harry! That reminds me- Ron, go to your room!"
"Molly, Molly, calm down, calm down."
"Stop repeating everything!"
"Ok, ok."
"Aurthur, for how long is this going to go on? Ever since your vasectomy you've been a real shit!"
"Dad's de-sexed? HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!"
"Shut up or I'll have you circumcised!"
It was at this Ron ran inside and cowered in the corner of their kitchen, rocking back and forth, repeating something about not being Jewish and nobody touching his foreskin, whether it be for religious purposes or just a kinky interest.
***