A/N: Ah yes, I love the smell of Britain in the morning…you should probably disregard that. New chapter. If you're looking for brilliant comedic sketches and witty remarks—then you've come to the wrong place. I suggest you try another story. And now that the pleasantries have been dealt—on to the story!

Hope you enjoy.

Thanks to the following for reviewing!

darkened child: There will be absolutely no Draco and Harry. Harry and Ginny!

angatgirl: Thank-you—I am perverted. Lol.

Ezza: Thank you so much! I love Monty Python, but I haven't incorporated your idea into this chapter, but I defiantly will consider it later on!

Goldilocks31890: Sorry it takes me so long to update, but I'll try harder.

Little Red Riding Hood In Pink: I'd love to progress the story too, it's a shame my mind in lacking in all things romantic. Though I will be getting to that in a while.

chickflick004: Thanks!

Disclaimer: I OWN EVERYTHING…or, if you like, I own NOTHING…which ever you prefer.

Chapter 14:

Arranged sex, SACK WHACK, SLAP and a pigeon

'This is so unfair!' Ginny screamed, running up the stairs to her bedroom.

'And that's the end of that chapter' Mr. Weasley said to her retreating back, dusting his hands.

'Ok, Dad' Ron yawned, 'we're heading for bed too' he motioned up the stairs, and then back to Harry and Hermione behind him.

'Bed 'ay?'

'Yes, bed.'

'Well,' Mr Weasley responded, 'you know the rules. No sleep. Only one bed. And absolutely no condoms'

Ron looked delighted.

Hermione looked outraged.

Harry looked indifferent.

'If you think that I'm going to have sex with your son just because you demand—'

'Look, Hermione' Ron interrupted soothingly, 'rules are rules. Who are we to stand in the way of my Father's domestic legislation?'

'Ron! Your mind has been clouded with excess testosterone! Listen to yourself! You're talking about the new extreme of arranged marriage—arranged sex— BY YOUR PARENTS!'

'Alright! Get to bed—the lot of you! I don't want to hear one more word about it! If you even so much as think of coming down to breakfast tomorrow morning without at least one fertilized egg in your uterus you will suffer the consequences!' Mr. Weasley yelled at the trio, drawing the lounge room shudders closed with a slam.

'Alright, Hermione,' Ron said with enthusiasm, clapping his hands together, 'lets not disappoint. I know it's not ideal, but whatever is in this work-a-day-world? So, what'd you say to a night of—'

SLAP

Ron registered a 'Hmph' as Hermione passed him up the stairs, presumably on her way to Ginny's room.

'Not the best approach' Harry commented, receiving a scowl from Ron as he nursed his stinging jaw and what ever there was left of his poor, pathetic, male ego.

'I'd like to see you do any better!'

'You're on!'

Ginny ran down the stairs at a bolt, only stopped by Harry's arm, 5 steps from the bottom.

'What are you doing? I'm trying to—'

'You're so beautiful'

'—I'm trying to— what?'

'Stunningly attractive'

'Harry—I'm not following—'

'Shhhh' Harry raised a finger tip to her lips 'don't ruin this moment with words'

'Get off me before I—'

'Let's make love Ginny. Make it like lovers d—'

SACK WHACK

'I've got a boyfriend, Harry' Ginny stated exasperatedly before running down the remaining stairs and out the front door.

Harry lay curled up in a ball on the stairs.

'Smooth one. I didn't think it possible, but you sucked even more than I did'

Harry still lay curled up, not talking

'Harry?…Harry? You alright, mate?'

'I think I'm blind' Harry said pathetically, vocal cords clearly under strain

Ron heaved a sigh

'Here, I'll help you up'

They climbed the rest of the stairs in silence. Ron edged his bedroom door open with his elbow, holding Harry up with his other arm.

Not expecting Hermione to be sitting on the end of his bed in blatant anxiety, Ron let go of Harry, who promptly banged his head on the floor boards. Ron apparently had no moral dilemma with leaving him there.

'Gave me a bit of a fright Hermione…' He tried to say in an off-handed tone, running his fingers through the back of his hair.

Harry rolled over on the floor, groaning painfully.

'A little help here?'

'Oh yeah, sorry…' Ron pushed Harry out the door with his foot and closed it on him, clearly having no moral dilemma with this either.

An awkward silence passed between them for several moments. And Ron, feeling he had a cunning plan, broke it.

'So…periods? How are they going for you?'

'Don't ever say that again'

'It's not a problem, chief'

'Don't call me chief'

'Sure thing jerk'

'Chief is fine'

Ron sat next to her on the bed. If neither of them had been so uptight about apologising then they'd probably be arguing at this moment.

Ron cleared his throat

'Listen, about before. What I said. I didn't mean to sound like a—'

'—Chauvinist bastard?'

'Well. I was going to say like a—'

'—pervy little prick?'

More like an—'

'—emasculated donkey?'

'Hermione! I'm trying to apologise in my half assed chauvinistic bastard, pervy little prick, emasculated donkey kind of way! Will you please just let me continue?'

'Yes ma'am'

'Hermione, I love—' Ron suddenly cut his statement off, he didn't particularly feel like accepting rejection…on this day '—Harry'

And odd expression spread over Hermione's face

He's gay?

Ron, realising what he had just said, burst out in horror, trying to correct himself.

'In a masculine kind of way! Me and Harry, testosterone filled MANLY men! Always enjoying a good wrestle—NON-sexual of course, forever chasing skirt!'

'Chasing skirt?' Hermione splattered, perplexed

'What I mean to say is…'

'…yes?'

'I didn't mean it! Well—I did mean it. But not in the sleazy way it came out. I meant it to come out more…er…'

'Romantic?'

'Er…yeah'

'Well, Ron. Just as a warning for the next girl's pants you try to get into—that proposal was about as romantic as receiving an invitation to a mass gang bang with the option of having an umbrella snapped in half and rammed up my ass'

'I see…' Ron said, stroking his chin.

'But…it's ok'

'It is?'

'No'

'Oh'

'ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH'

Harry had apparently received a fresh stroke of pain…which was wilfully ignored by pretty much everyone.

'So…We're cool?'

'No. I'm cool—you're crap'

Ron smirked down at her. Even sitting down their height difference was appalling. Hermione was just thinking how some sort of elevating escalator contraption would be useful in eliminating the problem when Ginny burst through the door in tears.

'FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCKER!'

'Problem?'

Ginny paused a moment, punched a hole in the wall, and then fled the room in a fresh wave of tears. As she left the room, a piece of parchment fluttered to the floor.

Harry crawled back into the room on his hands and knees, and got to the parchment first. Un-crumpling it, he read aloud:

Dear Ginny,

Parting is such sweet sorrow…or some shit like that. Anyway moving onto business. You're poor and I hate you. I feel that a coupling such as this is unsuitable, owing to the fact that I couldn't give a shit about anybody else but me and my bags, and bags, of money. I've found something prettier and smarter than you. And when my father bribes the Minister of Magic to abolish the bestiality legislation, me and my love will be able to go public with our relationship. Fine animals, pigeons. So, in closing: Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

Malfoy

'Oh my…' Hermione said when Harry had finished and looked up the two on the bed.

'Ha…a pigeon…' Ron chuckled.

'Well, with any luck he'll die of a urinary track infection and his family will all catch syphilis and be doomed to sexual solitude for eternity' Harry said, trying to instil some hope in them.

'Wow Harry,' Hermione gasped, wide eyed, 'what a lovely thing to say! Go in there and tell her right now!'

'Well, somebody's gotta go in there and comfort Ginny—and God knows it's not me' Ron asserted.

'Me neither…I'm…knitting'

'No you're not'

'But I could be. You don't know anything about knitting. I could be doing it right now'

'…You win this round'