Title: I'm Always Alright
Author: HisVampira
Pairing: M/A
Genre: angst/romance
Rating: R for language
Summary:
In a moment of epiphany, Alec breaks through his guise of 'I'm Always
Alright'. Will he be able to make Max see that her safety net is really
a cage for her heart?
Disclaimer: The characters and premise are not mine...blah blah
:wah: The song is not mine: "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical
Romance. The story is mine however, and I wouldn't mind knowing what you think.
I'm Always Alright
The sun was coming up over Seattle, its light sending tendrils of pastel colour through the sky, beckoning the city's inhabitants to wake up and watch. The magnificent display of the sun rising and driving away the darkness filtered through a window two stories up in Terminal City. But not even something as beautiful as this could remove the darkness that weighed heavy on the heart of the young man observing the sight, as he realized what the sun would bring. She'll leave before it's halfway up, Alec thought with bitter resignation as he turned to look at the young brunette that lay sleeping in his arms. Max didn't sleep often, so this was a rare occurrance - one Alec grudgingly relished. He silently begged her to sleep through the morning.
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
A soft sigh from the lips of the woman next to him chased away any hopes he'd had. She's awake. Max shifted, stretching her body in a feline manner and tried to rub the sleep from her eyes. Once she was alert enough to take in her surroundings, she groaned. "Why didn't you wake me up?" she asked, still slightly groggy from sleep.
Because you look beautiful while you sleep. Because the later you wake up, the longer it is until you leave. Because every time you leave my heart breaks just a little bit more. He wanted so much to tell her what he was thinking. "And be the one responsible for interrupting your beauty sleep?" Alec replied instead, laughing half-heartedly. "I think I'll pass on that one."
"Alec, you know I need to be out of here in like 20 minutes." Anger coursed its way through every pulsing vein in Alec's body. Why did she have to remind me of that He tried to keep his voice neutral, a skill he'd mastered through years of intense training. Having this relationship...or...whatever it was he had with Max, had helped quite a bit as well. "Oh, right. Breakfast with Logan." He glanced over her at the clock beside the bed. 5:40. Of course she needs to leave an hour and a half before the date. It's not like her apartment isn't a block from here, Alec mentally fumed.
"Yeah," she said quietly. Why did I even bring it up? She glanced around the room for her clothes, too comfortable to remove herself from the warmth the covers provided. They were scattered all over the room. Probably some in every room from the door to here, she mused. It was always the same when she came here. There would be little or no talking, clothes would disappear, and she would have mind-blowing sex...with Alec. Max couldn't wrap her head around why she still came to him after all that had happened. Logan knew. He'd seen the evidence, taken pictures even.
Flashback
The light from the candles moved across the room almost as if dancing to the music playing soflty in the background. Logan and Max sat at opposite ends of the dining room table having what was supposed to be a romantic dinner. It was far from romantic.
Logan wordlessly slid a manilla envelope across the wood surface, sending it to rest at the edge of Max's plate. "What's this? More Eyes Only stuff? Can't it wait until after dinner?" she teased. Logan only shook his head. Max hesitantly put down her fork and opened the envelope. She gasped as she saw its contents. Dozens of black and white photographs of her in various places. She sifted through them, not wanting to believe what she saw. Her eyes closed as she recalled the night these photographs had been taken.
She'd gone to him that night. It was one of the times she'd actually been able to sleep and had woken up late; after noon. She was supposed to have had lunch with Logan, and she'd called and cancelled. He must've come looking for me before I called. There it was in black and white; her in Alec's bedroom window; in his arms, kissing him; leaving the building, her appearance a disheveled mess. He knows. Surprise was quickly replaced by anger that bubbled over; anger at herself, at Alec, and now at Logan.
"You a stalker now? Following me around, taking pictures of me?" she spat, picking up her fork again.
"Max, that's hardly the issue here." Max snorted and threw her fork down hard causing the ornate plate to crack. "You slept with him. How could you do that to me, Max? How could you do that to us?" The rage Max had initially felt dissolved into panicked regret.
"Logan, I'm so sorry. I - I wasn't thinking..." she stammered, trying to think of an explanation - any explanation - that he would accept.
"Oh," Logan said, his eyebrows scrunching togther in puzzlement. "Was it...were you in heat?" Max's eyes opened wide. This is perfect, she thought. Logan was her safe harbour, the one who could give her a piece of that normal life she'd always dreamed of. She couldn't lose him if she wanted to keep that one small shred of sanity to which she so desperately clung.
"Yeah, I - I was." She was almost telling the truth. The first time had been a fluke. She'd gone into heat earlier than expected and Alec had just happened to be there, helping her make plans for a heist. But after that, she'd developed a craving for him. She didn't understand it, but she couldn't ignore it. And so she kept going back time after time.
"Oh, just...I know you couldn't help it, and...it's...it's alright. Just please don't do it again, Max," he pleaded. He believes me, she thought. Her moment of triumph was dulled by her guilt, and she'd agreed. She told herself it would never happen again.
End Flashback
Max had gone to Alec's that night to tell him once and for all that whatever they'd had was over. She'd tried, she really had. She told him she couldn't see him anymore, and he'd kissed her, taking away all of her resolve. They hadn't spoken of it once since then. Max had been more careful after that, putting her stealth skills to work; coming in from the roof, the fire escape, never taking the same route consecutively. And she always made sure to leave before dawn.
But today, she'd almost made the same mistake as before, almost missed a date with Logan. "We don't need another close call like we had the other week," she reminded him as she sat up, stretching her arms above her head. Her eyes closed, she didn't see the hurt expression that washed over Alec's face at her words.
Shortly after her confrontation with Logan, she'd spent the night at Alec's, and they had both slept in late. Logan had gone looking for her when she didn't show up in HQ to discuss an Eyes Only mission, and, after finding her apartment empty, he'd gone straight to Alec's place. They'd barely had enough warning for Max to get dressed and scramble out the window before Logan had literally tried to break the door down. In her panic to get out unseen, her feline grace had abandoned her, and she'd fractured her foot jumping from the second floor's fire escape. Alec would've laughed at the memory, that is, if it didn't hurt so damn much. She'd rather break her damn foot than be with me.
"Earth to Alec?" Max prodded after a long uncomfortable silence. He shook his head as if to physically clear the thoughts from his head. "So, seriously, beauty sleep aside, why didn't you wake me up?" She went to move out of the bed, but a strong hand on her shoulder kept her seated. "What the hell ?" she began. Her voice caught in her throat as she saw the open emotions on Alec's face. She'd never seen him so exposed since he'd talked with her about Rachel late one night when Max had been feeling unusually clingy and emotive after one of her...visits.
"Seriously?" Alec asked hesitantly. Max nodded, suddenly unsure of herself.
Alec was emotionally exhausted. This charade that Max was putting on was wearing on him. He was too tired to pretend anymore. He took a deep breath and tried to tell himself that it was better off this way, that it would be great to finally unload the weight that all of this put on his heart. He told himself that it would hurt less if he told her. If she doesn't leave halfway through my heartfelt confession.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
"Max, I didn't wake you up because..." Shit! he thought. Why the hell to I turn into some teenager with a crush whenever I'm around her? He breathed a low sigh and decided to try a different approach. "You remember that close call? You jumped out the window and broke -"
"Fractured," Max interrupted.
Alec rolled his eyes. "Whatever. You fractured your foot."
"How could I forget? I got asked lots of fun questions about why I was limping. Then Mira kept trying to find out how I broke my foot." Max laughed at the memory of her very questionable explanation and the stern looks from Mira.
Alec mentally retorted, Make up your damn mind...broke, fractured, what-the-fuck-ever. She was going to make this difficult, as was her way.
"Anyway, okay. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that...it hurt."
"I would know, it's my foot."
"Max would you shut-up for just one goddamned minute?" Alec burst out. Max was taken aback by his sudden outburst and, speechless, she nodded for him to continue.
"Um...sorry," he began. "Wait. No, I'm not sorry. I have something I need to say and you're gonna listen." Damn that felt good. Alec ran a hand through his bed-ruffled hair, closing his eyes. It was hard to think of what he wanted to say now that he actually had the opportunity to say it. "What I mean is that it hurt me that you'd rather risk breaking your neck than be with me."
"But we're-" Max stopped mid-sentence when she saw the determined look on Alec's face. She sighed and leaned against the headboard of the bed.
"I'm not going to be the substitute, Max. I'm not going to be the replacement for the one you can't touch. I can't do this anymore."
"But, I thought you were okay with how things were. You've never once complained when I've come here, not even when I came here to stop this. You kissed me that night. You initiated it." Even before she finished speaking, she knew it wasn't the thing to say. Alec's expression confimed it.
"Max, you know me, I'm always alright." He managed a small smile, but it quickly faded. "But I'm not okay."
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
"What are you saying?" Max had a sneaking suspicion that she knew what he was going to say. He doesn't want me like that. To her surprise, the thought brought a great sadness to hover over her. Anger she expected, but disappointment? That was something she wasn't ready to face yet. She braced herself for the rejection that was sure to come.
"You are so dense sometimes. You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" Alec stated resignedly.
"You're the one that told me to shut-up because you had somethin' to say. So say it already." Max hid behind the guise of sarcasm and annoyance, her well built defense.
"I'm not okay with the way things are between us. You can't keep playing me like this, Maxie. You're either with me, or you're not. And if you're with me, then I'm it. No Logan, no anyone else."
Max was once again speechless. He wasn't rejecting her; he was telling her he didn't want to share her with anyone. "You...you're making me choose?"
"You can't have us both, Max. I may not like Logan, I mean, he came looking for you and brought a camera. Who the hell does that?" Alec breathed in deeply as he tried to regain his train of thought. He hated that he couldn't seem to speak coherently when he was near her. "He doesn't deserve to be lied to about things like this, Maxie. And as much as I love what we do together, I won't settle for having you for a night, and then when you're done with me, you leave. I don't deserve to be used like that."
"Alec, oh god. I didn't...I mean..." So many emotions were flooding through her that she couldn't think straight. Emotions that she'd never thought would be synonomous with Alec. "I didn't mean to make you feel used. You...when I'm with you, it's easier. Everything is easier. I forget about all my problems, and for a few hours, I get to feel at peace."
"Did you ever stop to think about that? That what you feel could mean something?" Alec braced himself for a typical Max response. He didn't get one, and what she said made him want to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming.
"Sometimes I picture us together," she said after a long silence. "But I don't know if it could ever work. Logan's my saftey net, he brings something normal into my life. I need that sometimes, y'know?" Max was tired too. She was tired of the lying, of the guilt. But most of all, she was tired of ignoring the feelings that had been brewing since that first night she'd spent in Alec's bed.
"Max, Logan will never be able to understand you. You don't need what he thinks is normal. Normal for us is something better than the normal normal." He frowned and his brows pulled together in a pensive expression. How many times do you have to say 'normal' in a sentence? he reprimanded himself. Seeing the look on his face that made him seem so damn cute, Max wanted to laugh, but decided it was best to keep her foot out of her mouth, for once. "You say you want a normal life, but that's something you'll never have. You can't keep holding on to an unrealistic fantasy like that. It'll only come back to bite you in the ass."
Max leaned over and put her head on his shoulder. She shook with dry sobs as Alec pulled her into his arms. She couldn't let him see her cry, see her so weak. "I- I can't just leave him, Alec."
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!
"Maxie, I know it's hard, but...don't you feel something? There is something between us."
"It's called lust," she bit off fouly. She'd managed to get her shaking body under control, but her emotions were still storming violently.
"It's more than that and you fucking know it." Alec wanted to scream at her, shake her, anything to make her say that she was feeling the same things he was. "You said that when you're with me, you feel at peace. And now you say that it's only physical attraction that brings you to my bed -to me- almost every night?" He pulled away from her and moved as far to the other side of the bed as he could without getting up.
"No, Alec. It's...I didn't mean it. I mean, I did, but..." Max growled in frustration as Alec refused to look at her. "Dammit Alec! It's just that I have so much history with Logan, I... love him. If I leave him for you, it'd devastate him. With you, it's just..." Max broke off, on the edge of tears once more. Once again, she had lied, this time to Alec. Why did it hurt more to tell Alec she loved Logan? More than lying to Logan about not seeing Alec? She knew why. She just didn't want to face what she knew to be the truth.
Alec's face contorted in almost physical pain. "So I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love? That's rich, just fucking rich," he muttered bitterly.
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)
He moved to stand up. "Goddammit, Alec! Why do you have to make everything so hard! You can't expect me to just walk away from everything that I've worked so hard to build!" Max was yelling now, too upset and confused to hold it inside any longer. Love?
"Of course it's hard, Max! Life is hard!" Alec boomed, waving his arms angrily in the air. "You need to figure it out, sweetheart," he spat. "You can't keep pretending! Why is it so hard for you to admit what you really feel? What's the problem, Maxie?"
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed
"The fucking problem is YOU!" Max stood up, pulling the sheet around her. "I pretend because it's easier that way. I can just make believe that I'm normal. I've clung to my so-called love for Logan for such a long time; I - I don't know if I can stop. Logan's safe. There's nothing safe about you. You're confusing, and passionate, and dangerous. But I feel more alive when I'm with you than I've ever felt in my whole damned life and I don't know how to deal with it!" Her face was red and her eyes full of fire, but just as quick as she'd been to anger, she quieted. She lowered her head, her hair falling down, obscuring her face from view. "And you're wrong. You're not good enough to fuck."
Any relief he'd felt at hearing that she wasn't in love with Logan was crushed with her final words. His face fell and he could do nothing but stare at her. As she raised her head he saw the slow trickles of wetness cascading down her cheeks. "You're not good enough to fuck...you're more than that. Fucking isn't what I do when I'm with you," she choked out, her throat constricting as the tears kept falling. "You're too good for me. After everything I've done; lied, cheated, used you. I'm not deserving of anyone's love...not deserving of your love." The last few words were whispered, just barely audible even to Alec's enhanced hearing.
Me? I'm not good enough for her Once Alec regained his senses, he was in front of Max before she could even blink another tear from her eye. "Not deserving?" he said incredulously as he reached out to brush a strand of hair from her eyes. "Maxie, you're perfect," he whispered.
"Don't, Alec," she said, placing her hands on his chest to push him away.. "I. Don't. Deserve. You. Period, end of sentence. After all I've put you through, what I've done to Logan, without once stopping to think about anyone but myself. I didn't think about who I was hurting."
"Maxie, shut-up." Alec grasp her hands in his own, the only obstacles keeping him from her, and pulled her into a tight embrace, resting his cheek on her hair. "I love you. Nothing you could ever do would stop me from loving you."
"I- I love you, too Alec," she replied, her voice muffled against his chest. Her cell-phone began to ring, the one Logan had gotten her as a "keep in touch" gift. Logan. "I - I just...I can't do this to you. I can't do this..."
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed
She turned and attempted to gather her clothes, but a firm pair of hands on her arms prevented any further movements. "You are not leaving. You can't just tell me that you love me and then leave! That would be worse than anything you've done so far. Don't leave me," he entreated.
Standing there, that pleading tone in his voice, his sad face; Max couldn't have left him if her life depended on it - and this was worse. Her heart depended on it. "You know it wouldn't have lasted anyways. I left you for all of what, 10 minutes last time?" she quietly joked. She knew she wouldn't regret the decision when she saw the way his eyes lit up as realization dawned on him, that smile he flashed that had so quickly grown on her. Things weren't back to normal by a long shot, but they were headed in the right direction. There were still lots of things that needed to be sorted out. One of which was the cause of the incessant ringing in her ears.
The cellphone rang again. And again. And again, until Max finally reached down and picked it up.
Max and Alec both turned to the window as they heard the sound of a car outside. Alec rolled his eyes. "You're a whole minute and a half late and he's already here looking for you. You'd better answer that phone before I decide to use it for wall art; I could use a new dent," he said absently, pointing at the various indentations and holes in the wall behind the door to the room. Max made a mental note to ask about those later, but it wasn't important right then.
"Hello? Yes Logan, I know I'm late. Yes. No. Listen... No. Logan, I need -." Max sighed in frustration. "Logan, shut-up and let me talk for a minute, will you?" Alec tried - really he did - not to listen to the other half of the conversation. It was simply too tempting.
>
"I've been trying to tell you. We're just not working-" Alec was actually surprised. He didn't expect her to do this so soon.
>
"Us. Me and you? We're not working. I tried to convince myself that we could be alright, but we can't."
> Logan asked incredulously.
Alec snorted, forgetting that he 'wasn't listening.' "Oh you're a quick one, buddy."
>
"Excuse me? What're you trying to say?"
>
"Oh yeah?" she huffed. "Understand this: Yes, I'm breaking up with you. Yes, I'm at Alec's. Yes, I can see you from the window. And YES, I'm leaving you for him." Without giving him a chance to respond, Max clicked the phone off and turned to Alec. "That went better than I expected," she joked after she'd calmed herself down.
Alec just laughed and pulled her closer to him. "So, you okay?" Looking her in the eyes he tentatively ran a finger across her jaw. "Are we okay?"
Max looked up at the man who'd somehow managed to warm a heart that had been cold for so long. "That depends. Do you still mean what you said? About loving me?"
"You bet." He grinned the trademark idiot grin only someone in love would recognize as he held her.
"Then yeah, we're okay."
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
Trust me