I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
/Everytime we lie awake/
I sigh.
I sigh as I feel his heartbeat by my side. His sturdy arms are almost weightless above my chest. He is sleeping very soundly now.
"Hanagata?"
Or so I thought.
"N?" I respond.
"Nothing."
I am almost annoyed whenever he does that.
/After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get/
I frown slightly. Damn. I almost forgot—we have overtime tomorrow. I'd have to trash another one of my dates again. Sucks, big time. Not only the date—of course not—I'd have to throw whatever steamier things go with the date again.
Just because this damn captain said so.
/But I still don't miss you yet/
I knew it'd come to this. It always did. And oh, it always will. Positive.
/Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make/
Yeah, yeah, after such a very hot practice session, I'd always be drawn to his house. He never failed to draw me to this same bed.
And tomorrow, I'd be going to school again, same routines, same old routines.
/All the feelings that I get
But I haven't missed you yet/
And tomorrow, he'd probably be flirting with some fangirl of his again. Or worse—a boy. I'd probably see him in the showers or in the washroom kneeling in front of some guy again, or hear his moaning from some secluded corner outdoors or some other fortunate place.
Damn, I hate when that happens.
You are such a bitch, Fujima. You grab every chance of a screw or a good slapping from a random headturner boy you bump with. That is so unbecoming of you, you being the basketball varsity captain, coach, manager, you being someone looked up by most. Why do you have to be like this?
Wrong point. Why do I have to go through all this, through you and all of your shit?
/Only when I stop to think about it/
But then…there were many, no, countless times I begged to be spared from it all. Countless times you tried to drive me away.
Countless times that I didn't have the heart to step back.
/I hate everything about you/
I glance at him. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is almost soundless. I wonder why I can't guess if he's asleep or not.
I hate how you make me hate myself. Was man really meant to yearn what does him no good?
You and your angelic face. Your angelic face that hides even more than what I know. I can't see through anything. Just keep me guessing until I die of it.
/Why do I love you/
I wonder why I would rather want to die of it.
/I hate everything about you/
At least you won't talk when you're asleep. We both know how your voice does of me.
Make me turn around, make me follow, make me do things I never really wanted to do. Just one call, I am powerless. That just brings my soul to shame. It's almost unbearable. You like that don't you? You are fully aware of how you can make me toil to your every whim, and you abuse that to no end.
/Why do I love you/
But why the hell do I let you, goddamit!
/Everytime we lie awake
After every hit we take/
His fingers slightly quiver twined with mine. Well, maybe he really is asleep now. Why am I even holding his hand? I slowly pull it away, away from the warm moist contact of our hands.
His grasp tightens, not wanting to let go.
/Every feeling that I get
But I still don't miss you yet/
Why do you do this? One moment you treat me like useless shit. But you won't throw me away. Why won't you just throw me away? Spare us from this bewildering torture.
/only when I stop to think about it/
But sometimes, even I do not want to be spared.
/I hate everything about you/
Your eyes, those endless blue eyes. I can never see anything in them but your knowledge of me. All I can see in your eyes is me. How you know me from tip to tip, how you can easily fool me, how you can so easily toy with me in your hands. In your eyes I see how helpless I am. What are you thinking? What is it that you want to do, exactly?
/Why do I love you/
Whatever it is, I know I have no choice. I have no choice but to let you do as you please.
/I hate everything about you/
What is in your mind?
/Why do I love you/
What is in your heart?
/Only when I stop to think about you I know/
But I have long known. There is no use denying it. Hiding from it only pushes confrontations with this horror in times that I never want to. I have come to know you as you are, Fujima, and I have accepted you wholly. Even I cannot explain it, but as much as I can't stand you and your unexplicable ways with me, I cannot stand being without them. I have tried, but it scares me to even think about it now.
Could it be love?
Now, I want to just wrap my arms around you, and I just hope you would let me. And I just hope you would not know because you would better know my vulnerability against you.
/Only when you stop to think about me do you know/
Fujima rouses, and I wonder why. He looks at me, straight in the eyes, and brushes a lock of hair from my forehead. He kisses me there, leaning his own forehead against mine, and closes his eyes. He opens them again, my own eyes filled with wonder as I see a familiar shine in his azure eyes, something I have seen before though not many times, yet I still do not know what it is. He takes my lips in his own in a soft caress which is so unlike him, then his arms tighten around me. He nuzzles his face into the curve of my neck, much like a cat, and I just let him.
Could it be…that you feel the same need as I do?
Could it be the reason why you cannot let me go?
/I hate everything about you/
Please tell me. Tell me. Do not leave me wandering around this darkness alone. Answer me.
/Why do I love you/
Please…
/I hate everything about you/
You're not being fair. Why am I always on the losing end? Why am I always the one suffering? Tell me. Tell me why you do this. Tell me why you want to keep me in this aching pain.
/why do I love you/
Why do I gladly endure all of this for you? Why do I still want to be with you, to be in this humiliating failure I call a life?
/I hate
You hate/
I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I'll probably end up in the dump again. In your dump again. I hate this, but I cannot let it go. Maybe it will eventually be the death of me.
/I hate
You love me/
I reject all of it, yet I want it. Do you know how you confuse me? Do you know how you make me love what I hate?
Why?
"I love you, Toru."
It was no more than a whisper, but I heard it. Did I hear it right? I do not know, but I do trust my ears.
Is it real? Do you really love me? If you really do, why don't you show it? Why do you make me feel all your hate? Why do you make me feel like I'm shit? Why do you step on me like that? If it is real, then why don't you let me show it? Why don't you let it show?
/I hate everything about you/
"Do you really?" I ask. I await for an answer, but you are silent. Why don't you answer me?
I hate you for always leaving me, practically hanging on for my life, hanging on the edge of my sanity thinking of the reasons why you do the things you do.
/Why do I love you/
It is getting too redundant. I know I am tired of it, but I do not stop. Maybe I do not want to stop.
Please save me.
/I hate everything about you/
I want you to stop. But it's always about what you want.
/Why do I love you/
Will it ever change?
I do not know, as I do not know anything at all.
Well, someday, maybe.
But for now, it is my life.
I love you too, Ken.
-fin
A/N: This is fu-fu's that would be myfirst songfic. Well, all I have to say is...uh, I don't think I'm gonna write songfics no more. See, I suck BIG time. I just tried if I can, and I can, but I must admit I can do better than this. I'm not expecting good feedback, but, just give me feedback!
Thank you. Ja, ne-fu-fu