Disclaimer: Just borrowing a swing on Paramount's playground
Conversations"Chakotay, I really don't know what there is to say," Kathryn was trying to keep her voice even and refrain from stammering. Her features were guarded.
"When I saw you appear on the viewscreen today, it was like… it was like coming back to life. It was like something that went terribly wrong was finally corrected. I – I can't explain it any better than that." His eyes were dark pools of emotion.
"I have never been so glad to see anyone in my entire life," Kathryn echoed his sentiment, feeling like her words were terribly inadequate.
"You know – you know how – how I feel about you," Chakotay said simply. "You know I love you." There. It was out. Kathryn flinched.
"You shouldn't being saying that to me."
"You have been gone for more than two years. We thought you were dead. Don't start handing me protocol on your first day back!" Chakotay's voice was sharp.
"That's not why I – what about the Ensign at Harry's post? What would you tell her?" Chakotay blinked, taken aback by the sudden change in the course of the conversation.
"How did you – nobody else knows about that."
"I'm not anybody else." There was a touch of humor in Kathryn's voice. "I was your Captain, and your best friend, and I know you better than anyone else in the universe." She smiled crookedly at him. "Don't I?"
Chakotay had to acknowledge the truth in her statement.
"Elizabeth and I … aren't that serious. We haven't been seeing each other for very long."
"Oh, so throwing her over for me would be okay?" she said sarcastically.
Chakotay refused to be sidetracked any further. "This isn't about her. This is about us."
"There isn't an 'us'," Kathryn said patiently.
"There could be," he argued.
"There could have been," she corrected. He looked at her in disbelief, and she felt tears springing to her eyes.
"Chakotay, Harry and I – we – "
"You were stranded together on a planet for a long time. You had a fling, you had a baby, I - "
Kathryn's mouth was dry, and she closed her eyes quickly, trying to quell the sudden feeling of nausea. She held up her left hand slowly, palm facing her.
"We got married." Her words dropped heavily into silence. She saw Chakotay's jaw work, but he said nothing. She continued, almost desperate to explain herself. "On Gentarra. We – we lived together and worked together, and we were all each other had. And we – we fell in love with each other." She laughed in disbelief. "Neither one of us saw it coming. It took him 6 months to call me something besides 'Captain'. And - "
"Kathryn," Chakotay spoke slowly, interrupting her. It was too much. "You don't owe me an explanation. We had no understanding."
"Yes, we did. I know it and you know it," Kathryn said tiredly. "Just because it wasn't ever mentioned, doesn't mean it wasn't there… a promise of something…someday." She sighed. "I never intended - "
"Kathryn, you don't have to explain, and you don't have to apologize. I – I'm being enough of an ass as it is. Your life is about to completely change – again – and I'm throwing all this on you." Chakotay shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kathryn."
Kathryn's smile was wobbly. "Well, what about me?" she asked. "You've been lonely and in mourning. Then I show up and shoot all your dreams to hell." Her eyes were troubled, stormy. "If it's going to cause too many problems, we could – we could go."
"No, Kathryn – no – don't – don't let me drive you away," he pleaded. "Please."
"I don't know, Chakotay. This is too awkward and tense and – maybe it would just be easier if - "
"You had to know I felt this way," Chakotay said gently. "What were you planning on doing? Hiding from me all the way to the Alpha quadrant?"
"Maybe!" she exclaimed. "I was already – I was afraid something like this – and I didn't know how people would react to Harry – to Harry and me - " Chakotay winced. "I mean," she continued, "I can't ever promote him now, because then everyone will say - " I'm rambling, she thought wildly. Am I even completing my sentences?
"Well, you weren't going to dissolve your marriage just because you found Voyager, were you?" Chakotay asked.
"No – at least - I don't think so. When I thought about seeing you again… I was confused. I loved you too, you know. Very much." She looked at the table top. "Maybe part of me still does."
Chakotay's breath quickened, and it was all he could do not to stride over to her, and take her in his arms, and…
"Do you still love him?" The question was deceptively casual. Chakotay wouldn't look at her.
She gazed at him, until the force of their silence drove him to look up at her. Her blue-gray eyes were luminous.
At the end of his shift, Tom found Harry sitting glumly in sickbay, holding a sleeping Alli.
"Hey, you all right?" asked the irrepressible pilot, looking at his friend with some concern.
"They – I feel like I'm waiting for some kind of cosmic jury to return with a verdict," Harry replied, scrubbing one hand across his face in a kind of soul-weariness.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Harry said tersely.
"Come on, let's go down to the mess hall. We have nearly three years to catch up on." Tom said jovially, his blue eyes revealing his underlying seriousness.
"I'd rather - "
"Nope, sorry," Tom interrupted. "You're coming with me." He steered Harry out of sickbay by his shoulders.
When they arrived in the mess hall, there was a low buzz of excited conversation, much more noticeable than usual. It dwindled away into silence, as various crewmembers noticed Harry and Tom enter the double doors. Harry felt the pressure of every eye on him and Alli, and he had half an urge to beat a hasty retreat.
The murmur gradually resumed, along with a few cheers and whistles. Harry smiled an acknowledgement of these, as he threaded his way to a booth near the back corner. Tom followed with two glasses.
"So, what's going on?" he said, setting the drinks down with a thunk.
"They're still in the conference room talking," Harry said. "I'm – I'm afraid I'm going to lose her, Tom," he blurted in a rush. He looked down at his hands, noticing the way his wedding ring glinted in the low light of the mess hall.
"Wow," Tom said, noticing the ring for the first time. "So you and the captain actually… got married?"
"Yeah," Harry answered, and his face took on a faraway expression. "It was all so odd… by some freak accident, we end up together in a place where… where none of it mattered… not our ages, not our ranks, not our past… we could just be ourselves, and…" He trailed off. "She has the most beautiful, infectious laugh. I never saw her laugh much before. I was so upset, when I found out we were trapped on Gentarra, but by the time we left, I almost didn't want to leave. It was perfect, because she was there. You know?" He sighed.
"I know exactly what you mean. Hell, Voyager's more of a home than I ever had in the Alpha Quadrant, and here, I have B'Elanna and the baby…"
"She told me once that this would never have happened if we were onboard Voyager," Harry said ruefully. "And she was right. I think I told her so. I never stopped to think what that might mean if we ever found Voyager."
"You don't really think it's over, do you?" Tom's forehead creased over anxious eyes.
"Did you see the way Chakotay was looking at her?" Harry's dark eyes flashed fire.
"Maybe he was just in shock," Tom suggested tentatively. Harry snorted disbelievingly.
"That's what she said. Why do people keep saying that? What would you do if someone was looking at B'Elanna like that?" Harry said hotly. Tom grinned cheekily over the rim of his glass.
"I'd let B'Elanna beat them to a bloody pulp." He then grew serious again.
"Think about it… the person you love that you thought was dead, suddenly shows up… the gods are smiling on you, it's the best gift you could ever receive… then, you find out she's with someone else, and it's all a cruel joke – ripped away from you before you even had a chance to close your hands around it." Harry regarded Tom for a moment.
"That's really beautiful, Paris," he said sardonically.
"Do you really think Chakotay is going to keep mooning around after her like that, if she turns him down? He is an adult, and he'll have to be realistic about it."
Harry shrugged. "He mooned around after her before." Tom choked on his drink, and started coughing. Harry let the corners of his mouth turn up in a slight smile. "What if she doesn't turn him down? What happens to me then? What happens to Alli?"
"C'mon, Harry! Kathryn Janeway has a streak of honor a mile wide. Do you really think she's going to ditch you and the baby?"
"I don't want her to stay because she feels she's obligated!" Harry's voice had risen a little, and he noticed a few sidewise glances from other tables. He lowered his voice to continue, "I want her to stay because she loves me, because she wants to. Is that too much to ask?"
Tom looked at him with sympathy, and shook his head. "No, Harry, it's not too much to ask at all."
There was a moment of silence between the two friends. Harry seemed lost in thought, but then spoke suddenly,
"Tom, if she – "
"No, don't," Tom interrupted him quickly. "You can't do this to yourself, Harry. You can't sit there and 'what if'… you'll make yourself crazy."
"Well, what are my alternatives?" The sarcasm was back. Tom shot him a look.
"I liked you better when you were starry-eyed and idealistic," he snarked. Harry glared at him, and Tom decided that the better part of valor was returning to the subject at hand.
"You can either accept whatever decision she makes or you can fight it," Tom said simply.
"I could leave," Harry said quietly. Tom did a double take, and looked unsure whether or not he'd heard Harry properly.
"What?"
"I could leave," he repeated. "I have a ship, state of the art, almost as fast as Voyager. I could take Alli and go."
"Harry, you couldn't do that," Tom's eyes were wide, and his voice was panicky. "You – you wouldn't do that. What if something happened to you? Alli would be all alone."
Harry looked at him for a moment, his face set like a stone. Then he chuckled bitterly.
"No," he shook his head, "I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't separate Alli from Kathryn. No matter what happens to me."
"Lieutenant Torres?"
B'Elanna almost groaned when she heard the precisely modulated tones of their resident former Borg.
"What is it, Seven?" she asked, sliding out from under the console she'd been working on. Seven looked distracted.
"I do not believe that Lieutenant Paris would be gratified to learn that you have been working under consoles."
"Is that what you came over here to say?" B'Elanna said in an annoyed tone.
"No. I came to ask you about the meeting in the conference room. I am… confused about what transpired there." B'Elanna's eyes slid shut momentarily. This oughta be fun, she thought.
"What is confusing you, Seven?"
"Everyone in the room seemed to be experiencing a high level of anxiety, especially Captain Janeway, Captain Chakotay, and Ensign Kim. Their heart rates were accelerated, as was their respiration. Body temperature was also elevated. Was this not supposed to be a happy occasion?"
"How do you know it wasn't?" B'Elanna asked belligerently.
Seven raised one eyebrow. "I have not been around humans for an extensive amount of time, but even I am able to determine the difference between anxiety and excitement. I am very … agreeable to Captain Janeway's return, and Ensign Kim's as well. Why then was Captain Chakotay so upset?"
B'Elanna looked uncertain as how best to proceed.
"Seven," she began, "have you ever been in love?"
"I believe that what I felt for Axum in Unimatrix Zero could be correctly identified as affection," Seven answered cautiously. B'Elanna rolled her eyes.
"Were you sad when Unimatrix Zero was shut down?"
"I felt an emptiness in my life. I wished to see and talk with Axum, and it was difficult to accept that I could not."
"That's the way Chakotay felt when Captain Janeway ended up missing, when he thought she was dead."
"But Captain Janeway and Ensign Kim are in a relationship, are they not?" Seven asked.
"Yes," B'Elanna patiently replied.
"Then th – " Seven stopped, and thought a moment. "Ah," she said. "I believe I understand." She paused again. "Why would the captain engage in desire for someone who is not available? It does not make sense."
"Seven, it's hard to explain," B'Elanna began, but Seven interrupted.
"Perhaps I should ask the captain for an explanation," she said thoughtfully.
"No!" B'Elanna cried comically, lunging toward the former drone.
"Yes, I do love him," Kathryn answered quietly. Chakotay's face was impassive.
"I guess that settles that, then," he said, just as softly.
"Chakotay, I didn't want to hurt you."
"I know you didn't, Kathryn." He seemed subdued, as if the reality of all of it had finally begun to sink in. "You couldn't have foreseen any of this. And I really had no claim on you anyway."
"You did have a claim on me…once," she looked at him a little wistfully. "Now somebody else does…two somebodies do," she amended. "You were starting to let go too, when I came back, weren't you, Chakotay?"
He thought guiltily of Elizabeth. What must she think of me? he wondered.
"I don't know if I'd even gotten that far, Kathryn," he admitted. "I was trying. Obviously, not very successfully."
"All you can do is try," Kathryn said unoriginally. "On Gentarra, for months, I would think of you… and Voyager… and wonder where you were and what you were doing. Finally, I started trying not to think of you. I wasn't really trying to think of Harry… or anybody else. It just happened." She half-smiled. "It certainly wasn't in my plans. The point is, you would have let go, were already letting go, when we came back."
"But then you did come back," Chakotay countered. "Knocked my world off its axis, told me everything I thought was true was a lie."
"My universe has been knocked awry too," Kathryn agreed. "Hell, for awhile it was completely gone! I'm not the same person I was when I left. I haven't been a captain for a long time. I'm somebody's wife… I'm somebody's mother." She shook her head as if she couldn't comprehend it. "I don't think the person you were in love with even exists anymore."
"She's still here, trust me," Chakotay replied, with a slight return of the trademark twinkle. He appeared to be pondering what to say next. "Your happiness has always been of paramount importance to me. I made a vow to you on New Earth, a long time ago. I'll not withdraw it now."
Kathryn smiled. She knew that was Chakotay's way of saying that he would still be there for her, supporting her, standing beside her, no matter what happened. She took a step toward him, and held up her hand, palm toward him, fingers outstretched.
He held up his hand too, mirroring hers, until they touched, palm to palm. Their fingers folded down, intertwined with each other. They didn't speak, but there were all things in their shared gaze: a question, a promise, an apology, a benediction.
Gently, Kathryn removed her fingers.
"I need to go see about Alli," she murmured. "We'll probably spend a last night on the Renaissance, and start moving and dismantling everything tomorrow." She looked at Chakotay questioningly, and he nodded his agreement to this plan of action. "I'll just take your quarters," she ventured uncertainly.
Chakotay shook his head. "I never moved out of them, Kathryn. Your quarters haven't been touched. I'll have someone clean them out, and Harry's too, before tomorrow."
"Harry won't – Harry won't need his – " she struggled. Chakotay flinched and felt stupid. Right, he'll be sharing her quarters now.
"Of course," Chakotay said smoothly. "I wasn't thinking." Kathryn smiled at him, a little sadly, and with her head down, exited the conference room.
Chakotay sat at the empty conference table, slouched in the chair, fingers steepled, brooding out at the starscape. The pain of loss sliced through him again, anew.
"Hey," Kathryn said, "I've been looking for you." She came more fully into their quarters on the Renaissance, where Harry sat thoughtfully on the small sofa, staring out the viewport, unseeing.
"What do you want?" Harry asked, not rudely, but indifferently. Kathryn blinked, as his words hit her like a physical blow.
"I just came to find you. And Alli. Is she okay?"
"She's fine. Sleeping. She'll probably be ready to eat when she wakes up," Harry said. He could have been talking to a stranger. More silence.
"Harry, I wanted to apologize for what I said to you in sickbay. I was scared and nervous and worried… and you were a convenient target. You didn't deserve it."
"I was all those things too, Kathryn," he said, finally looking at her. "And you can throw jealous and insecure into the mix too, if you'd like. Did you ever think about just talking to me about it?"
"I didn't know how. Everything happened so fast, and I – I wasn't sure what I wanted." Harry noted the past tense. "I told Chakotay we'd start moving everything back to Voyager tomorrow. Maybe B'Elanna could help us dismantle the cloaking device." She watched him with anxious eyes, and sat down at the other end of the sofa. "I figured we could spend one last night on our ship."
"That sounds good," Harry said neutrally. "I am going to miss her." Kathryn looked at him, but his face was blank. She wondered if there was some kind of double meaning to his words.
"So am I," she opted to say, in a reminiscing tone. "Alli was born here. There are some good memories here." She would have continued rambling down this happy path, but Harry spoke quickly before she could continue.
"Kathryn," he interposed. "I know what's going on. Just – just tell me."
"Just tell you what?" she asked archly, one eyebrow raised.
"Everybody already knows you and Chakotay have a history together," he burst out.
"Then, 'everybody' is incorrect. Chakotay and I have never spoken of any kind of formal arrangement," Kathryn informed him. He looked at her skeptically. "There was an … unspoken understanding that we might begin a relationship once we reached the Alpha Quadrant… nothing more."
"Nothing more! How the hell can I compete with the promise of some idyllic future together?"
"Why are you competing at all?" Kathryn asked defensively.
"I just can't believe you're willing to throw all this away at the first sign of - "
"I never said I was throwing anything away."
"Look, I can only assume that you made your decision while you were in there talking to Chakotay. I saw the way he looked at you," he said, sounding drained. "Everybody saw it."
Sadness and compassion washed over Kathryn's features. "Harry," she whispered brokenly. "I'm so sorry - " she watched his shoulders slump at her words, and his lips clamped tightly together, restraining an outbreak of emotion.
"I guess that - " he began, starting to turn away from her. She stopped him.
"Harry," she repeated, and reached out to him, bracketing his face with her hands, and forcing him to look at her. "I am sorry that I led you to believe that there was some kind of decision that had to be made. I made that decision 18 months ago, when I married you. I don't regret it, and I don't want out." She looked at him searchingly, hoping he understood.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to stay… because of Alli, or because we're married," he replied.
"I don't. I love you, Harry Kim, and I love our daughter. I may always wonder what would have happened if Chakotay and I had gotten together, and I may always harbor a little nostalgia for that. But I would never seek to trade what I received in exchange."
"Do you promise?" Harry whispered, feeling a little foolish, but wanting badly to believe her.
"Always," she whispered back, and leaned toward him until their foreheads touched. They sat in silence, savoring the bittersweet moment of reconciliation.
"People are going to talk," he observed, a while later. "About us being together, I mean. Are you okay with that?"
"I guess I have no choice," she answered. "I've always been worried about what people thought of me. And I guess it's because I've always been held up as an example. When I was little, I was supposed to set an example for Phoebe. When I got in the Academy, I had to be an example because I was Admiral Janeway's daughter. When I made captain, I became an example for other women with command aspirations." She smiled at him then. "Marrying you wasn't exactly regulation behavior."
"You weren't a captain when you married me," he murmured. "But Starfleet doesn't make married captains get unmarried when they take command."
"We would have to be careful not to engage in inappropriate behavior while on duty, or in front of the crew," she said seriously.
"What does that mean?" he asked. "No kissing? No groping?" he continued, providing examples of the cited inappropriate behavior. Kathryn felt herself melting under his touch. "No sex on the bridge?" He teased her, well aware of her dislike of overt displays of affection in public.
She drew back to look at him then, her look of wry disapproval giving way to a suggestive glint in her eyes.
"I'm not the captain yet," she said, in a throaty voice. Harry looked at her in horror, and Kathryn burst out laughing.
"I wasn't talking about the bridge on Voyager!" she exclaimed. "I know another bridge that's completely empty right now."
Harry pulled her close to him, and kissed her, a rough hungry kiss that was an outlet for all the uncertainty and anguish he had gone through that day. She kissed him back with all the ardency she possessed.
"Were you serious?" he asked.
"About what?" she murmured.
"The bridge thing," he replied.
She pulled him toward the access tube, by way of answering.
Chakotay was unsure how long he sat in the conference room, alone at the long table, continuing his somber vigil. When he finally left, the lighting in the corridors had been lowered in deference to ship's night. He walked into his darkened quarters, and stopped short when he saw the silhouette of a woman, outlined in starlight, seated on his sofa in front of the viewport.
She turned toward him, at the sound of his footfalls, but remained otherwise motionless, and did not speak.
"Elizabeth," he said heavily.
"Chakotay," she echoed. "I've been waiting for you. We had.. we had a date tonight, so I let myself in." Her voice was so normal that he thought she might not have noticed any aberration in his behavior.
When he ordered the lights up to full, he saw her reddened eyes, and knew he was wrong.
"I'm glad she's back, Chakotay," Elizabeth ventured, trying to smile. "I know how much that means to you."
"Elizabeth - " Chakotay tried again, but she interrupted him.
"I always knew that failure was a possibility. Although," she laughed, "I certainly didn't think this would be the reason for the failure. You can't really blame me for that." Her voice was bright, but brittle.
"Elizabeth, stop!" Chakotay finally got out. "Stop, please." The petite blonde subsided in subdued surprise.
"Kathryn and I… had something special… in another time and another place," he said slowly. "We spent a long time talking… working things out." He watched Elizabeth swallow, blinking back fresh tears, and wondered if this is how Kathryn felt, watching him.
"Elizabeth, I don't know if this relationship is the best thing for us right now," he finally said, bluntly.
"I understand," Elizabeth replied, bracing her hands on the sofa, as if to rise.
"No, I don't think you do," Chakotay interjected. "Just hear – hear me out, please." She did not stand up, and Chakotay took that as his cue to continue. "I have always had feelings for Kathryn, and I think they've been somewhat of a badly kept secret. All my dreams of a relationship with her came suddenly back to life when she reappeared today. It was a … heady feeling, to say the least. But…" he trailed off.
"But?" Elizabeth echoed, raising her eyebrows at his silence.
"She told me some hard truths today. For one thing, she and Harry are married," he said, with a kind of detached amazement. "Kathryn Janeway has never been one to bail out on a commitment. And she's in love with him as well."
"She turned you down," Elizabeth said in wonder. Chakotay winced at her blunt summary of the facts.
"She told me that the Kathryn I fell in love with probably didn't exist anymore, and she's probably right." He saw the hope, which had fizzled out, spring back to life in Elizabeth's eyes. "But, that being said," he added hastily, "It's almost like finding out she died all over again. That Kathryn may not exist anymore, but I still love her."
"What are you saying?" Elizabeth asked warily.
"I'm not fit for a relationship right now," Chakotay said honestly. "Elizabeth, I know this is not fair to you, but neither is being with someone who is struggling with feelings for someone else."
"I see," she said slowly. "May I tell you something?"
"Of course," he nodded, looking at her oddly.
"Maybe, just maybe, I feel for you something like what you feel for Captain Janeway," she said, standing up to face him. "Maybe I'm in love with you, Chakotay."
"Elizabeth – " he began, but she interrupted him.
"I understand what you're saying. And I may even agree with your intentions. But I'm also saying that I'm going to wait… until you're ready to completely love me. And I think one day, you will be."
"You don't have to – " She put one hand over his lips to shush him.
"I know," she murmured softly.
Kathryn disentangled herself from Harry, early the next morning, unwilling to disturb him quite yet. They had packed a few things the night before, and she readied those things for transport, after she had gotten dressed. Alli woke up, fussy with hunger, and Kathryn fed her.
She awakened Harry right before she beamed over.
"I thought I should get you up before I left," she whispered, as he stirred and opened his eyes. "I already beamed some things over, and I'm going to go to Voyager and start getting us settled."
He mumbled a sleepy assent.
"I'll send B'Elanna over in a little while, and you can start uninstalling some of the Gentarran technology. We don't need to leave anything here."
"Okay," he said thickly, but began to get up. She climbed up to the transporter pad, with Alli on one hip, and transported over to Voyager. When she arrived at her quarters, she found that they had been cleaned, just as Chakotay had promised. She began to rearrange the rooms to more comfortably suit three, rather than just one.
She had been at this task for about two hours, when Voyager shuddered beneath her feet, and the red alert klaxon began its mournful wail.
On the bridge of Voyager, the Alpha shift had just come on duty, when an alarm began to chime on the tactical panel.
"There's a ship, Gentarran, dropping out of warp, decloaking off the port bow," Ayala said in alarm, "Weapons are locked. It – "
"Shields up!" Chakotay snapped. Weapons fire arced toward them too late, but sailed past them, without touching Voyager. Chakotay realized in shock, where the particle beams were going.
"Transporter room!" Chakotay began, even as the Renaissance was struck. The tiny ship shuddered under the barrage. "Transporter room, get everyone off of the Renaissance now!"
"Stand by," the transporter chief responded.
"Target that ship and fire!" Chakotay snarled. Ayala fired, and the Gentarran ship faltered, but continued advancing on the Renaissance. It ignored Voyager.
"Tom, can you maneuver us between the enemy vessel and Kathryn's ship?" Chakotay asked.
Even as he spoke, several things happened at once. Kathryn burst onto the bridge, having dropped Alli off with the doctor, and headed there at a dead run, when the red alert sounded. Voyager began to swing around under Tom's deft hands, and the Gentarran ship fired again.
"Fire at will," Chakotay ordered, and then noticed Kathryn standing there, looking somehow more vulnerable in civilian clothing. She watched the battle taking place on the viewscreen.
"Kathryn," Chakotay said.
"Harry," Kathryn murmured slowly, not appearing to hear Chakotay.
The Renaissance exploded in a noiseless bloom of debris.
TBCNext chapter: Confrontation
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