Disclaimer: Just borrowing a swing on Paramount's playground.
AN: The reason I haven't said one way or another whether or not this fic is J/C is partly because I didn't want to give it away, and partly because I didn't know whether it would be J/C or not at first. I do know now, but I'd really rather not say (although I'm really not sure it's such a secret!).
DenouementChakotay sighed heavily, and reclined back into the cushions of his sofa, as Harry exited his quarters. He closed his eyes and let the fatigue wash over him in swamping waves. He was tired. As if the battle with the Gentarran ship had not been enough, there was the emotional turmoil of Kathryn's return. He had barely been able to acknowledge it since it happened, and wasn't really sure he wanted to.
I need to fold it away, pack it up, and move on, he thought, and smiled ironically. How easy to say… He wondered idly what Elizabeth was doing, and was rewarded with a paroxysm of guilt somewhere in his gut. She doesn't deserve this, and I certainly don't deserve her. She didn't even get mad. That might have made me feel a little less horrible. A thought struck him. Kathryn would have gotten mad. He smiled a little at the idea. He had been on the receiving end of her red-headed temper a few times – sometimes not even the trigger for the temper, but just a convenient target. She had never thrown anything in front of him, but he had been waiting for the day when she did.
Elizabeth was reticent and shy, disliking the center of attention. Her temper was mild, if she had one, and she was more likely to try and see what motivated the other person and empathize with them. She was highly intelligent, but not necessarily ambitious, and didn't appear to have command aspirations. She spoke several languages, and played the piano. She also loved to cook, but was a bit of a klutz, especially if she was nervous.
But, like Kathryn, Elizabeth had a Starfleet pedigree, excelled in science, and was quite a competent engineer as well. They were both somewhat insecure socially, and were uncomfortable at large gatherings, albeit probably for different reasons. They had a few similarities, but Chakotay could not understand why he was reminded so strongly of Kathryn when he looked at Elizabeth.
He stood, stretched the kinks out of his back, and put the discarded glasses in the recycler. He should be sleeping, as he had Alpha shift bridge duty in the morning, but his mind was moving at high impulse, and refused to be slowed.
"Computer," he said, abruptly, almost with no forethought, "locate Ensign McKay."
"Ensign McKay is in Holodeck One," the computer said in its placid way.
This gave him pause. She had been on duty as long as he, and had duty in the morning as well. She had been under a similar emotional duress. Why is she in the holodeck? He wondered, even as he acknowledged that it was none of his damn business.
Go to bed, Chakotay, a voice told him. Go to bed, get some sleep, and try not to think of anything for eight hours…especially not the woman you once thought you were destined for. He squelched his thoughts firmly from continuing in that vein, as his body disobeyed his mind, and headed out of his quarters.
Upon leaving Chakotay's quarters, Harry walked next door and keyed in the code. The rooms were dim, and Harry wondered momentarily if Kathryn were even there. Then he heard her voice, hushed and soft, her words unintelligible.
She was talking to Alli.
He walked softly over to the door between the living and sleeping areas, with part of his mind shrieking incongruously, this is the Captain's bedroom! She was sitting in the corner, curled up in a small gliding rocker, cradling Alli close. Kathryn was speaking low and earnestly, with Alli blinking back up at her with luminous dark eyes. Harry felt his heart clench almost painfully with love for both of them.
"Alli, sweet precious baby, Mama loves you so very much. I wish you knew how much. Your daddy loves you too, so much, and we're going to do everything we can to make you happy. You're so easy to make happy, baby girl, and I wish it were that easy for everyone else to be happy." Kathryn sighed, and stared out the viewport for a moment. She kissed the backs of Alli's fingers. "You are so beautiful. I can't believe we made you. I don't deserve this. I don't –"
"Yes, you do," Harry said, interrupting, and walking over to her. She started, and looked up at the sound of his voice. He could see the shine of her eyes in the dusky light of the room. Alli craned her neck in his direction, and smiled toothlessly in recognition. He couldn't help but smile back, and gave her a finger to chew. She grasped his finger tightly in her fist, and squealed. "She loves you, Kathryn. And I love you. Don't ever think that you're unworthy of that love."
"I don't know if I can do it, Harry," she said, honestly. "I'm afraid that I won't be able to balance, afraid that one part of my life, either my family or this ship, is going to get the short end of the stick."
"I'm concerned about that too," Harry told her. "I'm worried about this being awkward and uncomfortable, I'm worried about where Alli will be when we're up on the bridge. I worry about putting her in danger, or you being in danger. I don't think anyone is promised a relationship free from worry."
"What do you think?" she asked him.
"About what?"
"Do you think I can do it…balance everything in my life?"
"I think we can," Harry said, meaningfully, and smiled at her. Kathryn felt her heart begin to melt. Why was it so easy for him to change her moods? Because you're in love with him, a voice inside whispered. She smiled, and said with a half-laugh, half-sob,
"I hope so." Harry felt his spirit soar at her words, and knew then that she was going to give them a chance. He leaned over the arm of the glider, and kissed her tenderly.
"I talked to Chakotay," Harry said casually, watching Kathryn's face closely. She tensed up a little, and looked at him guardedly.
"When?" she asked.
"Just now," he replied.
"What for?"
"He saw me wandering around the corridor outside like I was lost, and invited me in to talk."
"What did you talk about?" she wondered. He looked at her for a long moment, saying nothing. "Oh."
"He's a pretty good ship's counselor," Harry admitted. Kathryn felt an urge to ask him what Chakotay said, but she restrained herself.
"I just want you to know," Harry continued, "that you don't have to be afraid, but if you ever are, you can talk to me about it. I love you, and I'm willing to do as much as it takes to make this work. I'm going to be there for you, right beside you, always."
"Thank you," she said softly, thinking briefly about Chakotay's "angry warrior" speech that mirrored this one of Harry's, and wondering what she had done to merit the love of two such remarkable men.
"And as for the crew," Harry mentioned, "I think you'll find them more than satisfied that you have a family. It may not have been with whom they expected, but they are happy for you. I think Neelix is planning a little something in a couple of days, but you're not supposed to know."
"How do you know all this?" she asked, in mock dismay.
"Tom and B'Elanna still tell me things. Although they may be the only gossip channels I have left, now that I'm married to you!"
"Just marrying me ruined your status on the grapevine?"
"Are you kidding?" Harry laughed. "I'm sharing a bed with the captain! Nobody's going to say anything in front of me ever again!"
Chakotay stopped in front of the double doors that led to the holodeck. He reached one hand up to tap the control that would open the door, but checked it. Then he reached again and checked again. Reach. Check. He looked around, but it was the middle of the night, and the corridor was deserted. He was glad. If I'm going to make a fool out of myself, at least I don't have an audience.
He glanced at the program she was running, but it said only 'McKay Seven' and gave nothing away. He felt like a voyeur. He turned to go, but spun on his heel and found himself back in front of the closed doors.
He reached his hand up one more time, and his finger quickly made contact with the panel, before he had time to retract it again. Evidently she had not engaged the privacy lock, because the doors hissed open, and light spilled out into the corridor.
He stepped through the doors, to find himself standing on a highly polished wood floor. There were mirrors and gauzy curtains everywhere, and somewhere, a haunting melody played on something that sounded like a flute.
He stepped back reflexively, as he saw Elizabeth, but he needn't have worried. Her eyes were closed, as she danced. She was clad in a simple black leotard, her hair swept up on top of her head, and she stood gracefully en pointe. The music swelled to a crescendo, as she stepped and twirled, her arms arching above her head.
She was beautiful, ethereal. Chakotay stood entranced. When the music died down, Elizabeth ended the routine, but stood, still balanced on her toes, staring off into the distance, for a long moment. Chakotay became increasingly aware that he was intruding, when she signed, flopped down onto the soles of her feet, and began unlacing her toe shoes.
He cleared his throat, and stepped forward from the shadows of the curtains. She looked up, alarmed, and stumbled sideways before catching herself. Her face flamed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
"How long have you been here?" she said, her voice breathless.
"I just saw the end of your dance," he paused a moment, searching for words. "It was – you were – exquisite.
Her lashes fluttered a little at the intensity of his voice, but she wouldn't look at him.
"Thank you, sir," she said, reminding him of the distance he'd put between them, by speaking formally.
"I didn't know that you knew ballet," he said conversationally. She finished untying her shoes, and removed them, placing them back in her bag.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, sir," she replied.
Touché, he thought ironically. And less than I deserve.
"I never said I didn't want to learn," his voice was gentle. Her eyes flashed fire then, as she quickly glanced up and met his eyes.
"With all due respect, sir, yes, you did." Her voice continued to be formal. Chakotay decided not to pursue that route, thankful that she was, for the moment, still talking to him.
"When did you start dancing?" he asked, trying to find an innocuous subject.
Elizabeth sat down on a small bench, and threw a towel around her neck. She took a swig from a small bottle of water before she spoke.
"When I was thirteen, I was in a bad accident… two transports collided leaving the colony on Mars," she began. "I was injured, most of the damage was to the nerves in my spine, and the doctors didn't think I'd walk again." She attempted a smile. "But I did. Ballet was one of my forms of physical therapy. At first I hated it, and my mother had to make me go to practices."
"But now you'd be lost without it," Chakotay observed. Elizabeth looked up it, startled at his perceptiveness, and he smiled. "It's written all over your face, your movements when you dance, that you love it. It's easy to see."
She shrugged, a little self-deprecatingly, and murmured thanks.
"The two transports," Chakotay said, as a thought occurred to him, "were they the Pacifica and the… the…" he groped for the name, as Elizabeth nodded.
"The Capricorn," she finished, looking a little misty. "The pilot of the Capricorn was my brother… Darren. He – he was killed…in the accident."
Chakotay nodded, sympathy etching his features. That accident had made headlines across the Federation, as well as prompting outcry about the way the ancient Mars station was designed.
"I – I – " Elizabeth stammered, obviously not really paying attention to him anymore. "I was in one of the front seats, just outside the cockpit, so I could – could go see him, if I – and – when the Pacifica hit us, there was this explosion – and the bulkhead – I was pinned." Tears brimmed over and spilled out of her eyes, and she tried to dash them away with one hand, embarrassed. "I could hear my brother s-s-screaming, as the cockpit burned, and I couldn't – I couldn't – I was pinned," she repeated again, as if to make him believe her.
"Hey, hey, sshh," Chakotay soothed, reaching out one hand to stroke her arm. She jumped a little, as if realizing once again where she was and to whom she was talking.
It makes sense now, he mused, the thing about her that seems so like Kathryn. It's tragedy, survivor's guilt. They both witnessed the death of someone close to them, while powerless to do anything to stop it.
She relaxed against him for a moment, and then sat up abruptly, her cheeks burning. "I'm sorry – I'm sorry, sir," she said quickly, throwing the rest of her things in her bag.
"Sorry? For what?" Chakotay asked. "I'm the one who came in here, bothered you, asked you questions, and got you upset." She smiled a little at the chagrin in his voice.
"Why did you come down here?" she asked, forgetting to add the 'sir'.
"We had a long day, and I wanted to see how you were holding up. I was surprised to see you in the holodeck instead of asleep," Chakotay said. There was a glint in her eyes, like she wasn't buying what he was saying.
"I guess you're checking on everybody then," she said, trying to repress a smile. "That's going to take a while." Chakotay paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to protest, laugh off her remarks, or change the subject.
"I wanted to see you," he said suddenly, opting for the direct approach. The flush raced up Elizabeth's neck to flood her face. Her lips trembled a little, but she did not speak. They gazed at each other for a moment, the moment suspended between them fragile and tenuous, yet nearly tangible. At that one instant of time, there were all the possibilities in the universe, and they both knew it.
Three days later, Voyager initiated orbit around an uninhabited planet, and prepared to properly welcome back her erstwhile captain and Ops officer. There was a small rotation of officers ready to man the bridge, with strict instructions to contact Commander Tuvok, should the need arise.
Kathryn was anxiously preparing for the fete. The one formal gown that still hung in her closet didn't fit, and she was trying not to get upset about it.
"Why can't I just wear my uniform?" she complained.
"We're not members of the crew yet. And you're gonna have seventy years to wear that uniform," came Harry's rejoinder from the lavatory, where he was completing his relatively simple toilette.
"That's easy for you to say. You look fabulous," she grumped, eying his slimly muscled form and broad shoulders, encased nicely in black pants and midnight blue shirt.
"Thank you for the compliment," Harry said, his eyebrows raised at the tone, in which it was given. "You've replicated a new dress, and it's very pretty. So what's wrong?"
"I can't wear that one," she pointed. "And I hate playing dress-up."
"You're nursing an infant," Harry reasoned. "And I think you just like hiding in your uniform." She glowered at him. Harry just grinned at her, and went to get Alli.
"Did you replicate the stroller?" he asked.
"It's folded up by her crib," she answered, grabbing a handful of silver hair clips, and stomping over to the mirror. A few short minutes later, she was ready to go, looking absolutely stunning in a deep coral dress made of something like chiffon.
"I'm going to be the envy of every guy in the room," Harry said, looking stunned. Kathryn smiled at his words, but they stung a little. At least one, anyway, she thought. I hope Chakotay's going to be okay, now that the crisis is over.
The holodeck had been transformed to be the city of San Francisco, right on Starfleet HQ's quad. There was a huge white-canopied tent, full of small intimate tables, low lighting, and a dance floor. A band played unobtrusively at one end. Most of the crew had opted for civilian formalwear, although a few had shown up in their dress uniforms. As captain, Chakotay was one of the latter. Elizabeth had arrived alone, looking delicately pretty in a pink so pale that it was almost white, but had already made unobtrusive eye contact with Voyager's leader.
When Kathryn and Harry entered the holodeck, the crew broke into a spontaneous ovation, with cheers and whistles and huzzahs punctuating the applause. They both smiled, but looked slightly overwhelmed by the adulation. They were swamped and swept away from each other by excited crewmembers, and were only able to speak briefly when Kathryn retrieved a fussy Alli from Harry.
Kathryn spent a majority of her time reacquainting herself with her crew, who seemed, to a man, ecstatic to have her back. There were careful and solicitous inquiries about Harry and the baby, and while much of the crew appeared a little surprised by the news, no one seemed to disapprove.
She had just finished talking to Ensign Wallace from Engineering, and was headed to the punch bowl to refill her glass, when a low voice rumbled behind her.
"Are you about ready to take center stage?" It was Chakotay. She turned slowly to see him, looking resplendent in his dress uniform. "You look lovely," he added, his tone sincere, but obviously trying to stay light.
"Thank you. What about center stage?"
"Well, you knew you were going to have to make a speech, right?" he teased. "And there's a little ceremony we'd like to do." He was right about her expecting a speech; she had. But she eyed him suspiciously at the last part of his statement. What ceremony?
Chakotay had already retrieved Harry, who was standing by the base of the dais, holding Alli, waiting for them to arrive. She looked nervously at Harry, who put his hand at the small of her back, and whispered reassuringly in her ear. Chakotay moved to the center of the platform, tapped his communicator, and requested that his voice be amplified.
"May I have your attention please?" he asked. The murmur of conversation stilled, and the music faded into silence. "I know you are as thrilled as I am to welcome Kathryn Janeway and Harry Kim back onboard Voyager!" This was as far as he got before the cheering and applause began again, and it went on for so long that Kathryn felt herself turning red.
"They have expressed the desire to stay onboard, and be reinstated as part of this crew," Chakotay continued. Kathryn felt her heart began to pound. They had not discussed exactly what was going to happen. She felt guilty stepping in and demoting Chakotay when he had obviously led the crew so ably in the last 2 and a half years. Harry had expressed a similar feeling about causing Elizabeth McKay to be removed from her current post.
"I am happy to reinstate Harry Kim as a member of Voyager's crew," there were some isolated cheers, probably from Tom and B'Elanna, and Chakotay spoke over them. "As my last official act as Voyager's captain," he continued, looking significantly at Kathryn, "I hereby promote Ensign Harry Kim to Lieutenant junior-grade."
Harry looked up in shock, and the crowd went wild. He could hear Tom's voice clearly, hoarsely shouting, "It's about damn time!" Chakotay smiled at Kathryn, and handed her a small silver box.
"Would you like to do the honors?" he asked. Kathryn's eyes were awash with tears, and she murmured inaudible thanks. She took the box from his hand, and opened it to reveal j.g. pips. She turned it toward Harry, and presented it to him formally.
"Now don't you wish we'd worn our uniforms?" she teased him, smiling, with swimming eyes. "I am so proud of you," she whispered, her voice threatening to break.
"And now, I, Captain Chakotay of the Federation starship Voyager, hereby resume my previous rank of Commander, and relinquish command of Voyager to Captain Kathryn Janeway. Authorization Chakotay delta 242," Chakotay said, standing straight and speaking formally.
"Voiceprint command request acknowledged," came the flat voice of the computer.
"Computer, who is the senior officer aboard Voyager?" Chakotay queried, his eyes twinkling.
"Captain Kathryn Janeway is the senior officer…" the computer began, but the rest was drowned out in cheers and whistles. Kathryn laughed, obviously blinking back tears, and stepped forward to speak. The crew grew quiet.
"You have no idea what it means to us to be home," she said simply. "And we are home, even though we are still thousands of light-years away from Earth. That was brought home to me more than anything while we were stranded. I really didn't think of Earth with as much loss and regret, as I thought of you." She gazed out over the sea of faces. "I am so pleased and grateful at how you've accepted me – and my family – " she darted a glance at Harry and Alli, "so wholly back into yours." She bit her lip, and looked quickly up at Chakotay. "You have my word that I will lead this crew to the best of my ability, and I will continue to further the journey back to our other home." She finished somewhat formally, and stepped back, looking at Chakotay for whatever finale he had planned.
"Neelix," Chakotay said, "bring out the cake." Two crewmembers held a tent flap open, while Neelix and two others brought in a towering, white-tiered cake. There were two figurines perched atop it. Kathryn looked at it, realization dawning, and looked back at Chakotay, almost accusingly. "We didn't get to see Kathryn and Harry get married," Chakotay said, with relatively little strain evident in his voice. "So we hope you don't mind, if this party also serves as a kind of reception." He watched Kathryn hopefully, as if gauging her reaction.
"Thank you very much," Kathryn said sincerely, and they made their way back down the floor to cut the cake. "The promotion, the cake, the reception…you didn't have to do this," she hissed at Chakotay, as they walked.
"I know," her first officer said simply.
"May I have this dance?" Chakotay asked, holding out his hand toward a seated Elizabeth. The wedding cake had been cut up and dispersed, and dancing had resumed. Kathryn and Harry sat at a small table, chatting quietly with Tom and B'Elanna. Tom was holding a limp, soundly sleeping Alli in the crook of his arm. The party was beginning to thin out somewhat.
She looked at him guardedly, and slowly put her hand in his.
"You look beautiful tonight. That color suits you," Chakotay said, conversationally, as they made their way out on to the dance floor.
"Thank you, sir," she said, biting her lower lip.
"Are we back to that again?" he asked gently. "After.."
"You're the one who said you weren't fit for a relationship. You're the one who said you needed time." Her voice was angry. "I'm trying to give you that. I told you I would. You're the one who keeps…keeps…being around!"
"I know, but I - " Chakotay faltered, stepping smoothly with the music. How could he explain his feelings to her, when he wasn't really sure of them himself? Had he changed his mind about pursuing a relationship with her? Was he just that lonely? Was he giving himself enough time to deal with his lost chance with Kathryn? He wasn't sure.
"Chakotay, I said I loved you that night in your quarters, and I meant it," she said firmly, pulling confidence out of some deep place within her soul. "But I will not be someone you are settling for. I will not be someone who will do in a pinch!" Her voice snapped on the last phrase.
"I wouldn't do that to you," Chakotay protested. But aren't you? He asked himself. "When I spoke with Kathryn the first day she came back, she pointed out that I had already begun to let go of her." He smiled ruefully. "I didn't believe her, but I think maybe she was right."
Elizabeth opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her, placing one hand lightly over her lips.
"I didn't say I was ready. All I know is that I like being around you, I enjoy your company. I hope that we can still… spend time together, and see where it leads." Chakotay watched her carefully. "I know I don't deserve it, but – "
"I can deal with that," she interrupted, flushing slightly.
"You are – amazing," he said, embarrassed, but grateful that she thought that much of him.
"I know. I think I've handled myself pretty well. Losing my job, losing my…" she trailed off, smiling sheepishly and blushing anew.
"Do you always blush so easily?" Chakotay teased her, watching her fair skin pink even further.
"Stop it!" she protested, smothering a smile, and not meeting his eyes.
"You're not losing your job," Chakotay interjected suddenly. She looked at him again, a question in her green eyes.
"Harry's going to take Beta shift most of the time, and Kathryn will have Alpha shift. That way, someone can …"
"…stay with the baby," Elizabeth finished for him. Chakotay remembered how Kathryn and Harry finished each other's sentences in the conference room. For some reason, that memory filled him with a hope for their future.
Kathryn glanced at the couple dancing from time to time. Their stance appeared tense at first, but then they seemed to relax, and Kathryn saw them laughing. She smiled then, and was genuinely happy for her best friend.
I could have been happy with him, she acknowledged to herself. Then she looked over at Harry, protesting furiously against some needling from Tom and B'Elanna. Alli shifted in Tom's arms, and her eyes begin to blink open.
"See what you did!" was Harry's withering response. Kathryn couldn't help but smile. But I am happy with Harry. She watched Chakotay and Elizabeth dance, watched Harry gently extricate Alli from Tom's arms, watched B'Elanna lean back tiredly in her chair, absently stroking her stomach.
It's going to be an interesting voyage home, she thought.
TBC
Epilogue!