Title: Green Eyes
Author: Nemesis
Rating: Hard R/Soft NC-17
Pairing: HP/SS
Summary: Severus deals with his thoughts and demons.
Warning: Extremely dark, character death.
green eyes staring into his soul, no hate, no disdain, no disgust, no emotion, just assessment. a flicker of understanding, then nothing again. feeling as though his heart would break, looking away, averting his gaze, avoiding emerald eyes. pain flared bright and the eyes were looking at him sympathetically, coming closer. he backed away, trying to run from the eyes testing his soul, worse than the egyptian feather of truth.
Severus shook off his thoughts and turned his hand to his work again. But they would not leave, instead forcing themselves to the surface.
eyes that looked at him sadly, as though understanding everything he had been through. a look of hope, as though they wanted him to bare his soul. a look of disappointment when they were ignored. a look that carried no emotion. the green eyes turned away, a tear forcing its way out. he wanted to make it better, wipe the tear away, but his hand froze, and the green eyes lost their light.
Severus frowned and grabbed a sprig of Wolfbane, chopping it quickly and efficiently. His movements were unusual; normally they were graceful and reserved, but today they were harsh and jerky. He swept the chopped Wolfbane into the simmering cauldron, furious with himself. He didn't need to go around reminding himself about it.
pain, sorrow, anger, hurt, hate, worry, concern, sympathy, empathy, he had seen all of them in the green eyes. green eyes so bright they dazzled him, so full of pain they burned him, so full of sorrow they saddened him, so full of anger they enraged him, so full of hurt they consumed him, so full of hate they lacerated him, so full of worry they...
Severus interrupted his thoughts again. Dwelling over that would do no good. Snarling, he grabbed his jar of scarabs and counted out forty of them, occasionally dumping them back in and starting again. Enraged at himself, he finally managed to count out forty correctly, and then grabbed his mortar and pestle, pounding the scarabs into a fine dust, which he then proceeded to dump into the cauldron.
green eyes looking at him, no hate, no disgust, no assessment, nothing. just looking. no reason, no explanation. nothing. just looking. green eyes that had followed his every move respectfully, interestedly, and asked for nothing in return. eyes so green they pained him.
Severus finally finished the potion he was working on, and grabbed a beaker. Making sure that the potion he had made was properly decanted and stored, Severus threw the empty beaker across his workroom with all his strength. The glass broke the second it hit the stone wall and the shards fell to the floor. Not satisfied, Severus grabbed more beakers and vials, hurling everything around, ripping apart his workroom.
green eyes that had imprinted themselves into his memory, every look imaginable in those eyes. so hard to forget. impossible to forgot. but impossible to remember.
Severus tore his workroom apart. Everything that he did not need was in pieces on the floor. All of his potions were stored in a cabinet specially protected against such occurrences. A knock sounded on the door and in his frustration, Severus threw a large vial at it. The Headmaster ducked just in time to miss the vial flying at his head. Straightening cautiously, he looked around. Severus heard a slight intake of breath, and whirled around, a beaker in his hand, ready to throw at the intruder. He paled considerably when he saw the Headmaster standing nonchalantly on the threshold, inspecting the damage.
"Albus, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was you," Severus said tersely.
"Don't mention it," Albus said mildly, still surveying the damage. "May I ask why you ripped apart your workroom?"
green eyes full of pain, imprinted on his memory, full of anger, full of disappointment. green eyes lit up in happiness, downcast in sorrow, a tear escaping from them. he wanted nothing more than to gaze into and lose himself in, green eyes turning away, leaving, disappointed, upset, angry, sad. gone.
Severus didn't answer the Headmaster. Albus carefully stepped around the broken glass and approached the suddenly weary man. "Severus?" he said tentatively.
Severus' shoulders slumped and he rested his hands against one of his tables, his head hanging down defeatedly, his hair falling down, hiding his face from the Headmaster. A small shudder worked its way through him.
Albus carefully walked to where Snape was, and placed a comforting hand on Severus' back. Severus didn't say anything, just sighed sadly. "What's wrong, Severus?" Severus looked up, and Albus was shocked at the state of the Potions Master. His normal scowl was gone, replaced by a weary and sorrowful expression. He was terribly pale, paler than usual. His eyes were rimmed with red, and slightly puffy, as though he had been crying. Albus was immediately worried.
green eyes, gone. no goodbye, no emotion, just gone. gone. gone. gone.
"Gone," Severus whispered.
"Who's gone?" Albus asked, worried.
"He's gone," Severus answered.
"Who?"
Severus didn't answer, just sighed, even sadder, and straightened. "Goodbye, Headmaster," Severus answered tersely, and walked to the edge of his workroom, opening a door and disappearing into his personal rooms. Albus decided against following him. He walked out of the room and went back to his office, still fretting. Perhaps the war was finally taking its toll on Severus.
Albus turned to the folders on his desk. One was a report done by Remus, who had managed to spy on the Death Eaters without joining them. Albus hoped that he was alright. He hoped everyone he sent in would survive. But he knew they wouldn't. Not everyone would survive this war. Already so many had died, in both wars. Albus sighed. The war was taking its toll on everybody in a way.
Albus opened the folder that contained Remus' report and muttered the translation spell to translate it from Swahili to English.
'A, I've done as you asked. They are planning to catch us by surprise by attacking Hogsmeade Friday night. Be prepared for such an attack. They've also captured H. and are torturing him. R.'
"More of a note than a report," Albus muttered. "But still helpful. I'll get everyone ready for Friday night." Suddenly a thought hit him. "Gone. Severus said someone was gone. What if it was young Mr. Potter who was gone? Hmm. . . could be. After all, Severus doesn't even suspect that I know that he's been watching him closely. I'll talk to him after I finish with these reports."
Albus picked up the next one. It was from Harry, who had also been nosing around for information in his Animagus form- a snake.
'A. I haven't managed to find out much. Nagini says that V. is planning an attack on Diagon Alley the seventeenth- next Wednesday. I haven't been able to find out more. H."
Albus noted that those two were the only ones that were reports. He shut the folder that contained Harry's report and stood up. "I need to talk to Severus. I can't let him stay like this."
Ten minutes later he was knocking on the door to Severus' private chambers. "Go away," Severus answered sulkily.
"Severus?"
"What do you want?" he snarled.
"Severus, open the door, please."
"No."
"Severus!"
"Just fucking go away."
"Severus, be logical."
"I don't care who you are, and I don't care about what you want to talk to me about. Go away."
"Professor Snape, this is your boss, the Headmaster. I demand you open your door immediately."
Severus paled at having sworn at the Headmaster and stood up. He opened the door to find Albus standing there, waiting for him to open the door. "I must say, Severus, last time you were a bit more hospitable."
"Go away."
"You have said that a few times. I need to talk you. Let's have some tea." Albus swept past Severus and sat down in one of the armchairs.
"I know who's gone," Albus said without preamble.
Pale and shaking, Severus fell into a chair, just managing to hit it and miss the floor.
"It's Harry, isn't it?"
green eyes torment pain emotion beauty not for him look saying everything pain sorrow hate love lust content upset disappointed hopeful hopeless everything nothing gone gone gone.
"Yes," Severus whispered.
"Why are you so upset about him being gone?" Albus asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it from Severus.
he wanted green eyes to look up at him, dark ivy green with lust, ruby red lips parted invitingly, black hair disarranged framing his face. legs spread for him, inviting him to do as he pleased. cock hard for him, red lips begging for kisses. he wanted to fuck him until they were both sweaty and spent.
"I think you already know the answer to that, Albus."
Albus sighed. "Can't I hear it from you?"
"No. I'm not about to say it out loud. I would only say it out loud for one person."
Albus shrugged. "Do as you will." But it was clear he was disappointed.
"I think… I think I love the little brat," Severus admitted shakily.
Albus nodded. "Do you know how he feels about you?"
"No," Severus said sulkily. He wished he did, though.
"Remus dropped a note on my desk. Harry's been captured by the Death Eaters."
Severus looked up, terrified. "No," he whispered.
Albus nodded.
Louder, more forcefully, "NO!"
"I'm afraid so, Severus."
Severus sighed, and dropped his head into his hands. "No, no, no, no, no," again and again, as though telling himself that would change what had happened.
"Yes," Albus said softly, and laid a comforting hand on Severus' shoulder.
"Albus, you know I value your friendship greatly, but right now I need to be alone," Severus said, sounding like he needed to cry himself out.
Albus nodded and left. The second Severus heard the door shut, he let a long, shuddering sob work its way through his body. He attempted to keep his tears from falling, but in vain. They streamed down his face.
He buried his face in his hands, his ebony hair falling over and around his fingers, thoroughly covering his face, and cried until he felt he had no more tears left in his body to cry, and still he cried.
He had no idea how long he cried, but he finally fell asleep in his chair, the occasional shudder still working its way through his body.
It was well into the afternoon of the next day when he woke, his eyes incredibly puffy and red, his nose stuffy, and his mood exceptionally foul. Severus stood and swept out of his sitting room and into his bathroom, cleaning himself up.
He returned to his sitting room and re-lit the fire, staring into its flickering flames.
"He's gone," Severus whispered quietly.
green eyes full of pain full of sorrow full of hurt green eyes without their light turning away in disappointment gone green eyes jaded from the pain of torture green eyes glassy in death.
Snarling, Severus stood up and paced. No matter what, he could not get away from his thoughts.
It was seven days later, seven days of torture, pain, and sorrow, that Albus came to him again.
"Severus?"
Severus looked up at Albus, and the Headmaster couldn't stop the shocked gasp that came from him. The person sitting in front of him was certainly not the snarky Potions Master Albus had known. Severus was tired, weary, and shaky. His eyes were burning hollows in his face, his face gaunt and haunted, looking like he had just escaped Azkaban. His eyes were full of pain and grief, as opposed to the usual cold look. His face was no longer arranged in its customary scowl. Instead, he had a defeated expression on,
"Severus, what's wrong?"
"He's gone."
Albus sighed in shared pain. "I know, Severus, I know."
Severus looked at Albus with haunted eyes. Albus was struck by the intensity of Severus' sorrow.
"You're right," Albus conceded a moment later. "I don't know."
Severus let a long, shuddering breath. "Bloody hell, Albus, what do you want?"
Albus inhaled deeply. He knew this wouldn't be easy. "Severus, there's a group of people approaching the castle. I need you there."
"Like this?" Severus asked, motioning to himself.
"I can cast concealment charms, Severus."
"Then do so, and I'll go change."
Albus pulled out his wand and cast the charms. Severus again looked like the dreaded Potions Master, although he certainly didn't feel like it. Ten minutes later, he was ready to go.
They walked to the Great Hall and opened the doors to the main entrance. A large group of people were steadily and silently approaching the castle. Severus watched with a stony face.
"They're not Death Eaters," Severus whispered. Albus gave a nod so small it was barely noticeable.
The group finally reached Albus and Severus. The front of the group stepped aside as seven people walked forward, the leader in front, and six of them carrying something following him.
The leader bowed to Albus, who bowed back, and moved to the side. The six people set down their burden. It was of stone, with inscriptions all over it. Severus attempted to remember where he had seen it before.
They lifted the lid of the stone box, and Severus looked inside. His worst nightmare was staring him in the face. The still, silent, pale cadaver of Harry was lying peacefully in the coffin, hands folded on his chest, his wand in his hand, his eyes closed in eternal sleep.
Severus looked down at Harry with a stony face, never betraying emotion.