Beginning Author's Note(s): Well I don't know how I really wrote this... It was just something to get rid of my writer's block. I've put the English translation of the Japanese song down below the lyrics line-by-line in parentheses so that you guys'll know what it's saying. I've also taken the liberty of giving you a way to listen to the song while you're at it.
Go to my profile and click on 'homepage'. It will take you to my journal. Scroll down to the bottom, where you will find a playlist. In the playlist, look for 'Anti-Nostalgic', which is the third from the bottom.
ANTI NOSTALGIC
Toumei ga yozora somete
(Transparency dyes the night sky, and)
hitori aruku itsumo no kaerimichi
(I walk alone on the road that always leads home.)
A young man wandered down the dark country lane, towards a cemetery just outside of London in a small town named 'Godric's Hollow'. He looked up at the ever-darkening sky with icy blue eyes. Eyes that had once held warmth, love and laughter, yet now seemed cold and empty - lifeless.
Kuchizusamu konna kimochi
(Singing to myself, I want to send these kinds of feelings)
nemuru kimi ni todoketai na OH... UM...
(to you in your sleep, oh, um...)
Happiness had avoided him for so long. Fifteen whole years, in fact. Sure, there were a few times hat he could remember feeling content, but then the feeling had been swept away from him all over again. The young man knew he should have been celebrating, for it was the end of the Hogwarts school year. Therefore, there should have been an after-school party.
Instead, there had been a funeral.
Now he stood in front of three gravestones, side by side and equal in size. He read each of them in turn, frown deepening with each word he read.
JAMES DEVLIN POTTER
1960-1981
Beloved Friend, Husband, and Father
"And more I admire Thy distant fire, than that colder, lowly light."
"James..." the figure whispered, a shining tear trickling down his cheek and onto the soft grass beneath his feet. He forced himself to shift his downward gaze.
LILIAN CELESTYNE POTTER
1960-1981
Beloved Friend, Wife, and Mother
"I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry,
I am not there.
I did not die."
Finally, shaking, the young man grit his teeth and replaced the long-dead water lilies that had been laying there for about a week. Ready for the worst, he turned towards the most recent death.
HARRY JAMES POTTER
1980-1996
Beloved Friend, Godson, Student, and so much more
"And though I venture through the unknown, those that I love shall never be alone."
Nanika ni obieteru jibun ga chotto iya ni naru
(I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself -)
tsugeru omoi torinokoshita hibi ni...
(tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...)
He knew that he should have moved on by now. Harry, James and Lilywould have wanted him to stay strong and live his life to the fullest, so Remus said. After all, he had been freed just two weeks ago, right after the incident at the Department of Mysteries. Fudge had grudgingly accepted Voldemort's return to power after they had force-fed Peter Pettigrew Veritaserum.
Sirius ran a hand through his now shoulder-length raven hair as he sat down in front of the three gravestones. He looked at each one in turn before speaking through a cracked voice.
"James, Lily..." he began, unsure of where to start. "I guess you're all having a great time up there together in Heaven, huh? I know what you guys must be thinking... I failed you. I failed to protect you guys from Voldemort and now I've failed Harry as well... I feel like such a dumbass.
"Remus couldn't come today... Almost full moon and all that. I was trying to insist that I stay home and take care of him, but he said no. He said I should visit you. Selfless guy, Moony... I still wish he would accept that he needs help sometimes, though. Anyway, It's been a couple of years, but we've finally established a huge manor not too far from your house. It's huge! We fixed it to look just like your house did, Prongs. We made a couple of adjustments, though. Harry had once suggested he might want a mini Quidditch field in the backyard if he ever got a house of his own, so Remus and I took the liberty of putting one there... Except that it's got to be hidden from the muggles, so we've still got to put the charms on it and such. Other than that, it's practically an exact replica. All that's left now is to move all our stuff into it and buy some new furniture."
Padfoot faltered, remembering the exact reason they had built the house. Neither of them wanted to be too far from the three Potters, for all five of them were a family in their eyes. But they hadn't wanted to move into James and Lily's flat, either. Sirius felt that it would give them too many past memories, and Remus felt that it would be an insult to their memories if he ended up destroying the house as a result of a memory lapse and forgetting to drink his Wolfsbane potion.
"I miss you, James. I miss the times we had at Hogwarts... Pranking people and everything... Especialy Snivellus. Hey, remember the time we cursed his breakfast so everytime he took a bite, his hair would change color? That was great... You know, your son's inherited most of your skills? He used to sneak around Hogwarts all the time... Sometimes with Ron and Hermione. I'm sure he's told you all about his adventures by now. You should be proud of him, Prongs."
Sirius almost laughed as his gaze shifted to the middle headstone. That of Lily Potter's.
"Hey Lils. Keepin' James in line, I hope. How you holdin' up? I'm sure you're pretty happy now that you've got your son back... You and James were so excited about having a baby it was almost funny... That reminds me, I never did thank you for agreeing with James to make me Pronglet's godfather, did I? Sorry... I meant to, really, I did... But somewhere along the line, things just got a bit out of track and now..."
The raven haired animagus had to bite his lip to keep from crying. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry."
A seemingly comforting wind blew through the cemetery at that moment. Strangely, it had a scent of lilies. Again, almost nervously, he turned to Harry's grave and looked at it through rapidly dampening eyes.
dokoka ni wasureteru kokoro ga chotto itakunaru
(The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.)
toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru
(I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.)
"Hey, Kiddo. Well, I guess you got your wish, huh? You got to meet your parents and best of all, you get to stay with them... It's gotta be great up there. Wish I was with you... In fact, I wish it was me who went through that goddamned veil instead of you. Merlin knows you had a lot ahead of you, Pronglet. You might've become a world-famous Quidditch star. You could've become the best Auror the Ministry ever had...
"It hurts, you know. I got to spend so much time with your mum and dad, and you were taken away from me again in just two days. Harry, I wish there was some way that I could tell you how mucheverybody misses you. As I've heard, Ron's locked himself up in his room and hasn't come out as of yet... Hermione's taking it so badly her parents apparently believe she needs therapy... Or, rather, that's what Dumbledore said the last time he checked up on her... Everyone else is pretty much the same: We're all crying for you.
He sighed deeply and looked up at the star-filled sky, finding his namesake rather quickly as he reminiced the battle in the Department of Mysteries and the few days following after.
Toozakaru kumo ni nosete
(I place my feelings on the receding clouds)
boku no kimochi tachidomaru kaerimichi
(on the road home, where I pause to stand.)
"Come on, I know you can do better than that!"
Harry, however, was quick to notice the skirmish between the rival cousins, and pushed Sirius out of the way of Bellatrix's curse.
"NO!"
Sirius made a mad grab for Harry, who had just fallen beyond the Veil, knocked over by Lestrange's stunning spell. He watched as the fifteen-year-old's body slowly dropped down into oblivion, and eventually out of his tear-filled sight. He turned towards Bellatrix with a vengeful glare.
"You... You killed him." he stated, deathly calm. Most of the room had gone quiet and was watching with mounting apprehension.
"Yes, I did." the witch returned, rolling her eyes. "And what, pray tell, are you going to do about it, dear cousin?"
"You KILLED HIM, YOU BITCH!" he practically screamed as he lunged at her, random curses flying from his mouth as he did so. "I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Sirius, please!" Lupin pleaded, holding the man at bay by arms and trying with all his might to hold his friend back. It was too late, though. Lestrange had been damaged way beyond repair at that point.
"Sirius -"
"She killed him, Moony!" Padfoot practically wailed into his shoulder. "She killed Harry! My Harry! My godson
"Sirius, I know you must feel horrible... Merlin, I do too..." Remus muttered as he pulled Sirius into a hug. "But right now, there's nothing we can do. Right now, our main priority is to defeat Voldemort and the Death Eaters. You know that that's what Harry would have wanted. He would have wanted us to go on with our lives."
"But Moony..."
"Sirius."
Kimi wa mou yume no tsuzuki
(You are already a part of my continuing dreams;)
todoku hazu mo nai koto da to wakatteiru
(I know that (those feelings) can't possibly reach you from here.)
The following few days had been nothing but hell to the people who were closest to Harry. Sirius was taking it especially hard, feeling that he had failed the three most important people in his life at that point.
"Sirius?" Remus called, frowning when he found his childhood friend where he always had been for the past five days - standing by the window, arms and legs crossed, looking up at the sky with tears in his eyes. He was unclean, unshaven, and looked like he hadn't eaten in quite a while.
"Sirius, you have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Moping."
"Remus, it's usual for a person to mope after they've lost someone they loved."
"I know, but this has gone a little too far. You know Harry wouldn't have wanted this. Every morning when you get up you wander over to the window and stare. You don't even eat and you're getting to be as thin as you were since you escaped Azkaban. Every night you wake up from a nightmare and you start sobbing about how it was all your fault. I know. I've heard you."
"Would you please stop using Harry against me!"
"I'm not, Siri. All I'm saying is that he would have wanted you to starve yourself just because of him. You're a free man now. Harry would want you to enjoy life, not spend it leaning against a window frame and staring. Come on, the wake is today. You have to get cleaned up before we go."
"Wha? The wake is today?" Sirius mumbled, showing emotion for the first time in the past five days.
"Yes."
"...I can't go."
"Sirius!"
"I can't, Moony!" Sirius cried. "I can't because it would be a reminder of just how much I've failed James and Lily, and now how much I've failed him
"Sirius Orion Black! You are going to this wake whether you like it or not! This is your godson we're talking about, for Merlin's sake!"
Sirius bit his lip and grudgingly allowed his fuming friend to escort him to the bathroom, where he washed enough to make himself appear presentable before changing into a set of velvety black robes that had been gathering dust in his own wardrobe before apparating Hogsmeade and making their way towards the castle. Remus led Sirius towards the Great Hall, where a mass of people were gathered to pay their respects to Harry. Sirius felt a surge of hate towards some of them. It grated on his nerves that Severus Snape in particular would be invited to an occasion such as this.
"Sirius, I beg of you, please try not to lose your temper today…" Remus muttered in Sirius' ear as he let go of his arm. Padfoot frowned at him, but didn't get the chance to reply as at that moment, Albus Dumbledore stood up to speak. He raised his hands in an effort at silence and everyone quieted instantly.
"Five days ago, we were drawn into battle with Voldemort and his followers. In the process, we have lost some lives. However, the most notable of those people is Harry James Potter."
Dumbledore waited patiently for a reaction from his audience, from which could be heard sniffling and such.
"Harry died a brave, selfless fifteen-year-old boy. He passed through the Veil at the Department of Mysteries trying to save his godfather Sirius Black, and succeeded. I think now would be the proper time to allow those who would like to speak let their voices be heard."
Everyone waited at their seats, and eventually Ron Weasley walked up to the front and cleared his throat. In a dry, cracked voice that sounded like he had been crying as long as Sirius had, he began.
"Harry was a great friend of mine whom I've known since I was eleven. He has always made me feel special, wanted, and he made my worries go away by accepting me even though I was and still am very poor. He always stood by my side and defended me, even though most of the time, I was wrong. Harry was a really great person, and I hope that wherever he is, he continues to rest in peace."
There was random clapping from the crowd and Hermione Granger managed to find enough courage to stand up and speak. Her eyes were red and puffy, and a few hiccoughs escaped her mouth.
"Harry… Harry, I think, always had a special gift which enabled him to see the best in people. If it weren't for him, I'd probably still be the lonely bookworm that I used to be before he and Ron came along. If it weren't for him, I would not have lived my life to the possible fullest that I have been lately, and Harry, if you can hear me, I thank you for that. I miss you, Harry. I think we all do."
A few more people stood up to pay their tributes to Sirius' godson, including Remus, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and, to his disgust, Snape among many others. Finally, he uncrossed his arms from his chest and walked to the front of the room.
Namida ga koboreteru egao ga chotto hoshikunaru
(The tears keep falling; just by being able to be close to you,)
kimi no soba ni ireru dake de boku wa...
(I'm starting to want to smile, just a little...)
Dareka ga toikakeru rikutsu ga motto hoshikunaru
(Someone asks questions; I'm starting to want this to make more sense.)
kieru kage ni mabushisugita hibi wo utsushiteru
(You cast those too-brilliant days into a fading shadow.)
At first he just stood there, staring at the nameless faces in the large crowd. What could he say? There were a million and one things that were so great about Harry that he would be so proud to tell them all, but then again there was so little time…
"Well, first of all, let me begin to say that this is certainly not easy for me. I loved my godson like he was my own, and I tried everything in my power to protect him from the world. Never did I realize that this might have happened. I just want to take a second and thank Harry for what he's done for me."
Following this was a moment of silence in which everyone bowed their heads in respect for the young boy who had given his life to save a loved one. Sirius felt a sharp pang in his chest as he thought about the selflessness of his godson... But he just figured that it meant his heart was healing. Little by little.
"I could spend years ratting off the greatest personality traits about my godson. He was… Is… Brave, selfless, funny, loving… Just everything. I could do that, but I choose not to. I simply choose to remember him as my son at heart, as a broken boy who found a family in his friends and became happy. Harry was one of those few people who would go out of their way just to make you smile when you were feeling down, to make you feel better if you were nervous or scared. He cast everybody's fears into nothing and it was almost always replaced with a light of happiness and warmth that I believe only he could give. I will never remember him as The-Boy-Who-Lived, but as Harry James Potter, and I hope you all will too."
The crowd, at first, whispered amongst themselves, then eventually broke into thunderous applause. Sirius smiled softly and looked to the bewitched sky that was the Great Hall's ceiling, tears spilling from his eyes once more...
Nanika ni obieteru jibun ga chotto iya ni naru
(I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself -)
tsugeru omoi torinokoshita hibi ni...
(tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...)
"Harry," said the present-day Sirius, looking to his godson's grave with a fatherly love that was absolutely only reserved for him. "I don't know where you are, or if you're really dead, but wherever you are, know that I will always love you, no matter what."
His now clear blue eyes swept over the three headstones as a whole before looking towards the heavens. "James, Lily, Harry… You guys were and still are my family. I promise, one day, I'll join you up there. Up there in Heaven with Remus. Then we'll all be together again."
dokoka ni wasureteru kokoro ga chotto itakunaru
(The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.)
toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru
(I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.)
Sirius never noticed three sets of hands on his shoulders as he found and continued to stare at his namesake star once again completely devoid of tears as an almost unnoticeable smile began to spread across his features. His heart was healing. It would take a very long time, but it was healing nonetheless.
Disclaimer, Author's Notes, andCredits:
I do not own any of the characters or the song... Or the epitaphs for that matter. I give credit to:
J.K. Rowling - Characters and setting
Edgar Allan Poe - "And more I admire...", and "Though I venture through the unknown..." epitaphs. (Not sure of the poems' names)
Melinda Sue Pacho - "I am..." Epitaph. An excerpt from her poem, "I Did Not Die".
Kotani Kinya - The song "Anti-Nostalgic".
Ending Author's Note(s): See, I bet you some of you were going to say, "Hey, Harry's eyes are DEFINITELY not blue!". Remember, this is an AU, which means "Alternate Universe", which means it is different than what happened in the canon. Make sense? Oh good.