CHAPTER 14
The Unforgivable Curses
Harry, Ron, and Hermione, along with the rest of the fourth year Gryffindors, walk into Moody's Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Harry, Ron and Hermione are right up front. Moody clunks into the room.
MOODY: Put away your books. You won't need'em.
They put away their books.
MOODY: We're going to talk about the Unforgivable Curses. Who knows'em?
Ron, Neville, and Hermione raise their hands.
MOODY: You there, miss. (points to Ron)
RON: Er, what do you mean, "miss?"
MOODY: I'm sorry, I've got a cold. Do you know an Unforgivable Curse?
RON: Um, my dad told me about one…the Imperius.
MOODY: Yeah, the mind-control one. Not the one I'm looking for, though. You, there, miss. (points to Neville)
NEVILLE: Er…
MOODY: I've got a cold.
NEVILLE: Oh, right. The…uh…Cruciatus Curse.
MOODY: Yep, that's another of'em. You'd know about that, it's your major plot point, isn't it, son?
NEVILLE: Er…
MOODY: Never mind. It's the last curse I really want to get to…You there, the one who's really a miss.
HERMIONE: Avada Kedavra.
MOODY: Ah yes, the last and worst. The Killing Curse. No blocking it, no reversing it. This young miss right here (points at Harry) is the only one who's ever survived it. Just so you'll all be ready to recognize it, should it ever happen…I'll demonstrate the Avada Kedavra.
HERMIONE: But sir…It's illegal!
MOODY: Dumbledore wants you all to be able to recognize these curses! You all need to practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
The students jump.
MOODY: All right, then. I've got this here toad…
NEVILLE: (gasps) Trevor!
MOODY: What?
NEVILLE: I…Sir, that's…
HERMIONE: Sir, that's Neville's pet!
MOODY: Can't be; it was runnin' around loose. I wouldn't Avada Kedavra someone's pet. Here.
Neville whimpers as Moody places Trevor the toad on the teacher's desk.
RON: Excuse me, Professor Moody, but I really think that's Neville's Trevor. He's been known to escape every once in a while.
HARRY: I think so too, Professor. Why don't we practice on something else?
MOODY: Because the damn toad's already on the desk. Now, observe. AVADA KEDRAVRA!
A flash of green light. Trevor lies dead on the teacher's desk.
NEVILLE: Oh no…Trevor…(begins to cry)
HERMIONE: Professor Moody, what did you do!
MOODY: Avada Kedavra. I thought you were the smartest witch in the year.
RON: Hermione meant: How could you kill Trevor!
MOODY: I didn't.
HARRY: Yes, you did! I can tell that's Trevor, he's been in our dorm for four years now!
MOODY: Er… (realizes he's indeed killed Trevor). I didn't kill him.
HARRY: But we just saw you!
RON: Don't lie to us, professor!
MOODY: I NEVER LIE, BOY! This toad's…resting.
RON: Professor, I know a dead toad when I see one!
HARRY: And we're looking at one right now!
MOODY: No, he's RESTING.
RON: He's stone-dead! (Neville whimpers) Sorry, Neville.
MOODY: I'm telling you, that toad ain't dead! He's resting, is all.
HARRY: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!
Harry gets up and bends over Trevor. Ron follows. Harry shouts at the top of his voice.
HARRY: HELLO, TREVOR! LOOK, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME BOWFLIES IF YOU MOVE!
Trevor doesn't move. Harry and Ron glare at Moody. Moody nudges Trevor with his wand.
MOODY: There. He moved.
RON: No, he didn't! That was you nudging him with your wand!
MOODY: I never!
HARRY: Yes you did!
HERMIONE: Ron, Harry…Stop yelling at the professor!
RON: Hermione, he killed Neville's pet! (Neville whimpers) Sorry, Neville.
HERMIONE: But he didn't know…
HARRY: The point is Trevor's dead, and Professor Moody killed him!
MOODY: I never did anything!
RON: (bending over Trevor) HELLO, TREVOR! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
Ron picks Trevor up, and then lets him flop back down on the desk, lifeless.
HARRY: Now that's what I call a dead toad.
MOODY: No, no…he's stunned, is all!
HARRY: Stunned!
Neville comes to the front of the room. He picks up Trevor and cuddles him.
NEVILLE: Professor Moody, I've had about enough of this. Trevor is definitely deceased. He is not resting, and he is not stunned.
HARRY: Good for you, Neville. You tell him.
MOODY: Well, maybe he's just…pinin' for the garden pond.
RON: PINING for the POND?
HARRY: What kind of talk is that, professor? Why did Trevor just flop on the table when Ron dropped him?
MOODY: Because he's PININ'!
NEVILLE: He is not PINING! He's passed on!
RON: This toad is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker!
HARRY: He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If Neville weren't holding him in the air, he'd be pushing up daisies!
NEVILLE: His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the lily pad!
RON: He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-TOAD!
A pause.
MOODY: Well, I'd better replace him then.
NEVILLE: Thank you.
HARRY: Was that so hard, professor?
MOODY: Here. (rummages in pocket) I've got a slug.
Pause.
RON: (sweetly) Can it croak?
MOODY: No. It's a slug, boy.
RON: THEN IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT!
HERMIONE: Ron! Stop screaming at the professor!
MOODY: Listen, Neville…My cousin's got a pet shop in Diagon Alley. She'll replace your toad for you.
NEVILLE: I…
HARRY: (whispers) I'd take it, Neville…I think it's all you're going to get.
HERMIONE: You can share Crookshanks, Neville.
HARRY: And Hedwig.
RON: And Pig. But there's really not a lot of him to share.
NEVILLE: Oh…all right, I suppose.
Neville, Ron, and Harry walk back to their seats
MOODY: Yeah…well, I suppose you're dismissed. Remember: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!