CHAPTER 24
Rita Skeeter's Scoop
In Grubbly-Plank's class, Harry and Ron are discussing where Hagrid could be.
HARRY: Ron, what do you reckon's wrong with Hagrid?
RON: You think maybe a Skrewt…
MALFOY: Oh, he hasn't been attacked, if that's what you're thinking. Just too ashamed to show his big, ugly face.
HARRY: What do you mean?
Malfoy hands Harry a newspaper.
MALFOY: Hate to break it to you, Potter.
Harry and Ron look down at the newspaper. They read….
THE BOOK OF THE FIC
CHAPTER 24:
Those Not Appearing in the Fic, Except For This Bit Here
The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, are the first ones not to be appearing in this fic. They are all three very normal, thank you very much. It is perfectly normal to have no neck, or horse-teeth, or to be as large as a young killer whale. Five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Gilderoy Lockhart, is nowhere to be found in this fic either. Just as well, as he his currently in St. Mungo's, as his brain broke two years ago. Remus Lupin, the most lovable of former DADA professors, is also not appearing in this fic. Which is too bad, really-this fic would have done well to have his quiet, intelligent, kindly, and chocolate-loving influence. The Patil sisters, the prettiest girls in Harry's year, are sadly not in this fic either. As they are very pretty, this is a mite disappointing. True enough, Lockhart's not bad to look at either what with that charming smile, and Lupin has his good points, but this fic would be corking if the Patil twins were in it. As it is, it's pretty much bollocks, ain't it? Damn that John Cleese, I'm tellin' you…All his bloody fault. If it weren't for him, nobody'd've found us out! We could've included the werewolf, the fat Muggle, the blond wizard, the charming Patil sisters...But no-Cleese had to go and…
WE'RE EXTRAORDINARILY SORRY
We, the posters of this fic, were positive that the rabid fan-poodle from THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC had been got rid of. Please forgive the interruption, he must have sneaked past our security trolls, they've been a bit tetchy with us lately…Anyway, we will take every precaution to ensure that you, the reader, will not be harassed again. If you'll please just direct your attention to the next chapter, we are sure that…
Oh, you ain't going to get rid of me that easy, ya bunch of tossers!
So very sorry, reading public. We…Oy, there he goes! Down the drainpipe! After him! Grab his ankles…Get that bloody keyboard away from him!
Gerroff me! You let…go…!
Fat…bloody…chance…Ah! There we are. That's it for you, you anti-Cleese propagandist! We'll see that you STAY out!
STAND AND FIGHT, YOU DOGS! YOU SCURVY CURS!
He's mental…a raving bloody lunatic…Yes, that's it, get him out of here before he harms one of the canon characters.
BEG PARDON FOR THE INTERRUPTION
Everything is now under control. On with the fic.
…still in Care of Magical Creatures class...
MALFOY:…kids, ha ha!
HARRY: You-
GRUBBLY-PLANK: Are you paying attention over there?
Bollocks, we missed it…