A/N: this chapters title comes from an Elvis song

Disclaimer: mine: this storyline, not mine: persons, places, names, other storylines

Chapter 3 – A little less conversation, a little more action

I was driving, but I didn't really realize that. The world looked like a blur to me. When I got home, my mom was waiting for me. She made coffee and had bought some apple pie. I felt like a zombie. I didn't really know why I was so upset about that dream. It wasn't the first time I've had it. Waking up out of my trance I saw my mom staring at me, she was waiting for something. I realised she must have been talking to me. But I had no idea what she talked about…

I took a deep breath, shook my head and said: 'Oh I'm sorry mom'. My voice sounded a little weird. 'I wasn't listening. I… I really don't feel well, that dream really upset me.' A silence fell after I spoke those words. I saw the coffee damping in those familiar coffee cups.

'What dream? On the phone you just said you wanted to talk… are you OK?' Lorelai bended towards her daughter, who looked very small and vulnerable. She saw tears standing in her eyes. Getting really worried, Lorelai put her arm around Rory and said softly: 'Babe, what is it? Enlighten your mommy who is getting very worried!'

I snuffed a bit and started talking about my dream and how I had had it before but never had that effect on her… My mom listened. She didn't know all this was going on inside her little girl's brain.

But Lorelai didn't just listen. She remembered how Rory had dealt with Jess leaving: by studying more than ever. And than they left for Europe, they had fun, they saw a lot of new things, different things… she thought Rory was just to busy to think about him and that it would all go away, magically, like a sweep of Harry Potter's wand. She realized she was wrong all the way, that he wasn't just a boyfriend, he had been her soul mate and that Rory hadn't dealt with it at all, she just ignored it.

After I had done the story about last night, I drank some coffee. Mom sat in silence besides my. I could feel the questions burning on my mothers lips. I was just glad she didn't ask them right away. After a piece of pie and more coffee, my mom broke the silence. 'Eh… you said you had these dreams before, but that they never affected you… do you know why?' I thought I felt my heart skip a beat. I thought I knew why… but I didn't really look forward to tell my mom all this. She wasn't always as understanding about Jess… but I decided I kept a lot of things and this in particular long enough from her, so I started telling about last summer, how he had come to Yale… Her reaction was exactly as I predicted: 'He was at your dorm? Can't he leave you alone for just a minute?' I didn't have the energy to fight this argument, I just said in a lifeless voice: 'He wanted to do a trip with me over the summer. I told him to go away, that I didn't want that.'

Lorelai knew she had crossed a line. Although she just realised what he had meant to her sweetheart she still couldn't repress her instinctive reaction. She waited a couple of seconds and than she asked in a calm voice: 'Why did he think you wanted to go with him on a trip after he hadn't seen you all year?' Immediately she saw that her question wasn't as neutral as she meant it. She had never seen her daughter, who had always been a bad liar, look more guilty.

'Well, I saw him when he was here to pick up his car. Although I tried really hard to avoid him, but I kept running into him… and away from him. Each time I saw him, I just went off. I couldn't be near him, not after everything I thought we had, after what he did to me, not after… ' she hesitated … 'not after I said to him I might have loved him'

Lorelai was stunned. Why didn't she know any of this stuff? But she didn't fell angry anymore towards Rory for not telling, she felt bad for her. 'Oh honey! I didn't know that… 'When did you tell him that?' 'You remember, at graduation, how I got al this phone calls but nobody answered?' I asked her. She nodded. 'It was him. He never said anything but I just knew. And at graduation, right after I got my diploma, he called again and I walked away and I said all the things to him that had been on my mind ever since he left. How he handled things wrong, how he hadn't treated me like I should be treated and that I may have loved him but that it was all over now. And then last year, he was back to pick up his car and I kept running away from him. And once he came running after me, because he had to tell me something. I screamed that I didn't want to hear it, that I wanted to be left alone, that he just get the hell out of here and never come back. And then he told me that he loved me too.' Again, a pause fell. 'And than he left again!' I yelled. 'I don't understand, how can you tell that and than go away, to never send a letter or a card of an e-mail?' I started crying when I said that. My mom took me in her arms and let me cry.

We got ourselves another piece of Luke's apple pie and some coffee. My mom felt really sorry for me, I could tell by the look on her face. But I also noticed that she wanted to say a whole bunch of things and I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to be very pleasant.

'When did he show up at your dorm?' The question was calmly asked and took me by surprise. 'eh, right after the wedding. I guess we have a thing with weddings.' I smiled a little, I saw my mom did too. For the first time since the dream I felt a little clarity in my head. 'Dean' … I hesitated again… 'Dean was there too.' 'Why was he there?' Again, the calmness and understanding of her voice took me by surprise. 'He… eh.. he came to save me from a horrible date. We talked a lot those days, but we were just friends. It was a couple of weeks before it happened.' Clearly avoiding that subject Lorelai asked whether she send both boys away. 'Well Jess said he wanted to talk to me, alone and Dean was like all protective so I send him away. And than he asked me to leave with him, that I could depend on him now…' My voice fell silence. I felt like I couldn't speak anymore. My mom, very subtle, asked if he said anything else. That gave me the strength to tell the rest. 'He said that he knew we belonged together. That he had known that ever since he saw me and that he knew I felt the same way. I just kept saying 'no' to him. I just couldn't believe that he was there, that he demanded such a forgiveness of me, that he expected that in absence of a whole year, we could just pick up where we left. He wanted to be me with me, but not in Stars Hollow. I… I really didn't know what to do, so I kept saying 'no'. And than he said: 'Stop saying 'no' unless you really don't want to be with me.' He looked me right in the eye, I looked back and for the last time I answered him 'no'.

'Was that really what you wanted?' Lorelai asked. 'I don't know… I just couldn't pick it up as if nothing happened. I wanted him to know that he just couldn't leave me and expect I would be there, waiting for him. He didn't really do that either.' I answered.

'How do you feel about him now? Have you still feelings for him?'

'I really don't know. I don't really think so, I just think it's not quite out of my system…'

'Than get it out of your system hon, because it's tearing you apart. And not only don't I like it seeing you that way, it is also very unhealthy. Mentally I mean, because… everything in life needs closure. People die, things break, relationships end… and eventually you need to move on. You only get one shot, don't blow it over a guy.'

'He was not just a guy, Mom.' '

I know dear, but still, it needs closure.'

'How do I do that?'

'That's for you to find out. Everybody's different and every relationship is different. Maybe you have to write him some letters you'll never send. Or maybe you do send them. Or you collect everything you can find, remember the bad and the good stuff and than try to let go… you'll have to find something that suits you and this particular relationship…OK?'

'Yeah, thanks Mom. Thanks for listening and all… I mean, you never really liked Jess and so… '

'That doesn't mean I don't want to know kiddo… I want to know everything about you, I want to know what you think, what you feel, why you feel it and who made you feel that way. Than I can go beat him up!'

'Mom!' A smile appeared on my face. It felt liberating. 'Love you Mom.' I stood up and started walking to my room.

'Love you to honey…' I stopped and turned around. 'And eh, I understand that you don't want to tell me everything and sometimes I really don't know the details, but ehm, would you please keep me posted on your major life events? I really didn't know this was going on inside you…'

'Yeah, sorry 'bout that… I will never do it again! I promise mommy dearest!' I said in the most childish voice I could think of. With again a little smile on my face I entered my room. I still love walking and being into my room. It was still my room, here I felt the safest, the most at home. I sank down on my bed and pulled a pillow against my stomach, still thinking about what mom had said about closure. A letter… I remembered a certain letter I had written. I didn't have to search long. The envelop was already closed but it has no address on it… yet. You never knew who would find it… I had already written a goodbye-letter, but I never sent it, I didn't have the guts. But now I thought: 'why not'?