A/N: The title is from a song by the Chemical Brothers
Disclaimer: I didn't steal anything, I just borrowed… !

Chapter 4: Where do I start?

Dear Jess

Yes, you are still dear to me. God only knows why. And I don't even believe in God.

I'm in Europe now. Very far from home and very far from you. I don't even know if that's a good thing.

I know I said I was going to move on, but clearly I haven't. I can't help it, I think about you, I dream about you and I picture myself wandering around these old towns, eating even crazier food, having fun. But we're not having fun, because you ran away (again), because you didn't talk to me (again), because you handled it wrong (AGAIN).

Yes I'm angry. Do you blame me? I've never been angry with you. Or at least, not in your face. But you deserved it, you did and you still do. I just don't understand. Hey, everybody fucks up every once and a while, you have to learn, you have to grow… nothing new here, it's been going on for a couple of million years. Why, just why didn't you call me? Or actually, you did, but you didn't say anything. So let me rephrase: why didn't you ever talk to me? Actually, that's not true either. We talked for hours… about music, about politics, about books, about movies… but never, NEVER was it about you. Why not? You must have had problems. Yeah, duh, you ran away from them, you ran away from me! Why did you have to run away from me too? Why didn't you trust me? Why? Just tell me why…

I sound pathetic. Look at me, is that the person you've known? The person you fell in love with? DID you even fall in love with me? I really do wonder Jess, because people don't abandon persons they love, no they TELL them things, they can count on each other! I couldn't count on you, could I? How many Saturdays have I spent on the couch, by the phone, waiting for you to call? I knew you weren't that kinda guy and I don't want to be that kinda girl. Still I thought I was special enough to call and that you were special enough to wait for. Thanks for appreciating that.

What did change exactly? One day we're planning to go to prom, we argue about movies and whether we should eat pizza of Chinese, you 'yahood' how far Yale was from Stars Hollow… and the next you almost force me to have sex with you, you fight and than you disappear. Why do you always have to disappear? Do you like it that much that people just don't know where you are? I really think you do, because what else did you needed me for than company, friendship, love, affection?

And why did you keep calling me, when you had nothing to say? Why couldn't you even then, weeks later, lots of land between us, talk to me over the phone? Over the freakin' phone? You didn't see me, you couldn't feel me, you couldn't hear me breathe and yet, even the impersonality of a phone call couldn't get you to at least say 'hi'. Thank you very much!

This makes no sense…I should be over you, you don't deserve me. Than, why does it still hurt? Why? Why can't I get you out of my head? Why do I sometimes long to be with you? Why Jess, why? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you leave? Why didn't you trust me? Why? Why why why why why? WHY?

You'll probably never read this. I don't even know where you are, why you went there and why you're not coming back. Wasn't I important enough to know that stuff?I was your girlfriend! Do you know what that even means? The concept 'girlfriend boyfriend'. Do you even know what love is? Have you ever loved Jess… well I have and it sucks if it falls apart. Let me tell you that! I loved you, stupid girl I was… and am because, unbelievingly I still do love you.

God, I wish I didn't feel that pain anymore… do you know how it hurts when someone you love just leaves, without goodbye, a note, a card, a phone call… yes you did call, but what was the point, you never said anything…

Ugh I'm starting to repeat myself…

Bye

Jess read the letter over and over again. Her words cut in his heart, he could feel her pain trough her words. The words were real, strong, not covered up by politeness. They were agents of her emotions at that time. He realized though this was an old letter (it had no date, but it must have been a year and a half ago) and still, it felt so real, so close… like it didn't happen a long time ago at all. He didn't really know what to think: why did she send him this? Was it possible that by saying that he loved her and by asking her to leave with him, he had loosened some emotions? Did she still deal with feelings for him? Or did she find this and mailed it to him to see ho he could react? Or just to let him see how much he hurted her? Would she be that cruel?

He didn't sleep all night. By the time the sun rose, birds started whistling he knew the letter by heart. The room suddenly felt too small, he had to get out. So he put on his clothes, left a note so that they at least knew he had been home (didn't he say people could count on him now?). His feet carried him automatically to the beach. That has been a popular place to be lately. He walked to the water line, put off his shoes, put his hands in his pockets and stared a little into the distance. 'Why' she asked in her letter… well, he could ask the same thing. Why the hell did she send him that letter? And what should he do with it? In spite of her hurting words, he felt hope. Was it a sign that she still wanted to see him, that she wanted to hear from him?

He probably shouldn't get his hope up, most certainly it was the last faze in a dealing process… suddenly he felt really energetic, so he started running along the coastline. It was the only way to stop the never ending whirl of questions and thoughts.

PS I know I hadn't updated a long time, so now you get two for the price of one (or something like that)

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