CHAPTER 34
Priori Incantatem
The Abbreviated Ending
The graveyard. Voldemort has just been reborn, and has finished his Bond-villain bit. Harry is tied to Tom Riddle Sr.'s gravestone.
VOLDEMORT: (to his Death Eaters) You see, I think, how foolish it was to suppose that this boy could ever have been stronger than me. I'm going to kill him now, where there's no Dumbledore to save him, no mother to die for him…However, I'm an evil overlord completely secure with myself, so I've got nothing to prove.
WORMTAIL: Master…All respect…I thought the general plan was that you would allow Potter to fight, to prove that you were stronger…My Lord.
VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
WORMTAIL: T-t-that you have n-n-nothing to prove, my Lord?
VOLDEMORT: Exactly. Plans change as circumstances change. My loyal servant back at Hogwarts had more brains than I gave him credit for. Why duel with Potter when I can kill off almost the entire cast in one go?
Silence. Harry, still muddled from the Cruciatus Curse, just stares at Voldemort
LUCIUS: The…entire cast, my Lord?
VOLDEMORT: Observe.
Voldemort makes a sweeping gesture with his arm to the gravestones behind Harry. A gasp is heard from the group of Death Eaters, along with some scattered triumphant laughter. Harry strains to see, but as he's tied up, it's no good.
LUCIUS: My Lord, if I may…How did your servant manage this?
VOLDEMORT: NEVER question what I or my most trusted Death Eaters do, Lucius! EVER!
LUCIUS: Beg pardon, My Lord.
VOLDEMORT: Besides, it's none of your business.
LUCIUS: Oh…yes, My Lord.
VOLDEMORT: The point is, our sides are just about even-only we have the advantages of being stronger and not tied to gravestones.
There's laughter from the Death Eaters. Harry doesn't believe what he's hearing-he's sure it's a trick.
VOLDEMORT: All right, Death Eaters, fan out, choose a victim or two, wands out…(looks to Harry) I'll kill you personally. But I wouldn't take from you the excitement of seeing all of your loved ones die first.
Voldemort waves his wand, and Harry, still tied up, somehow winds up on the other side of the gravestone. He looks, and spits out the gag in surprise.
HARRY: I…don't believe this. No, it just can't be…
Most of the other cast members are also tied to gravestones. Ron and Hermione are on Harry's right and left; Sirius is a few stones away, next to Hagrid and McGonagall; the entire Weasley family occupies a cluster of gravestones around Ron. Even Snape is there, tied to a lone monument. And Dumbledore is tied to a stone directly across from Harry.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, hello, Harry.
HARRY: I…DUMBLEDORE, DO SOMETHING!
VOLDEMORT: "DUMBLEDORE, DO SOMETHING!" Please, desist with the melodramatics, boy.
HARRY: Let them go! It's me you want, just kill me, don't hurt them!
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry, don't get all excited.
VOLDEMORT: How can YOU be so calm, Dumbledore? I'm going to kill you as well! Right before I finish off Potter!
DUMBLEDORE: What have I always said, Tom? There are worse things than death. Much worse things.
HARRY: Why are you so willing to do this! What's wrong with everyone!
SIRIUS: We care about you, Harry.
SNAPE: I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, myself…
SIRIUS: Shut up!
MOLLY: Stop it, both of you! Don't make Harry feel worse…(to Harry) Don't worry dear, everything is going to be just fine.
HERMIONE: We figured out something that even Voldemort doesn't know, Harry…that's how we ended up here without a fight.
RON: And why we're all okay with it.
HARRY: But…what…THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL! VOLDEMORT'S GOING TO WIN!
DUMBLEDORE: No, he isn't.
HARRY: Why?
DUMBLEDORE: (to the rest of the group) Shall I tell him?
SIRIUS: Just don't let Voldemort hear it, Professor Dumbledore.
VOLDEMORT: I'm standing right here! Besides, I'm sure I already know.
HARRY: Know WHAT?
DUMBLEDORE: That this isn't the way the book's supposed to end. We've got a new author for this little…adventure.
HARRY: So…This isn't the way it's supposed to happen?
VOLDEMORT: No, the real ending is much more traumatic for you…And I was much more chilling. I prefer that ending.
SNAPE: It's not as though this one stands. It's not even real. Just a bizarre little footnote to our lives.
HARRY: We're not going to die?
RON: Come on, mate…How can we all die in one go? It'd be pretty anti-climactic, wouldn't it?
HERMIONE: And anyway, Harry, you're guaranteed to make it at least to the end of Book 7.
HARRY: That's true…But I don't want you guys to get hurt.
SIRIUS: Oh, we won't. I have to say, I'm having a pretty good time…exciting, being tied to a tombstone in an overgrown churchyard.
SNAPE: Well, you always were…No, never mind, that's too easy.
DUMBLEDORE: Don't worry, Harry. It'll just be a little bit of a bump, so to speak, and then we'll get put back in our proper places in the septology.
HARRY: So we'll all be okay? For now, anyway?
RON: That's about the size of it.
HERMIONE: So just don't worry. It might be a fascinating experience to write about, having a fictional death and all.
HARRY: Sure, Hermione.
DUMBLEDORE: So you see, Harry? It's nothing. And Tom here gets to pretend that he's managed to kill us all off, at least once.
VOLDEMORT: Shut up! Just for that bit of cheek, Dumbledore, I'm cutting off this ridiculous conversation! Death Eaters, form a ring, wands out, get ready to Avada Kedavra!
HARRY: Dumbledore, you're sure no one will get hurt.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Harry, really I am. All of us are going to be fine.
A bit of a pause as the Death Eaters form a ring around the captives.
HAGRID: C'mon, now, everybody! If Dumbledore says there ain't nothin' ter worry abou', then there ain't nothin' ter worry abou'!
FRED: Hagrid's right!
GEORGE: How about a song, before we shuffle off the fictional coil?
MOLLY: I don't think now's the time, George.
ARTHUR: Why not, Molly? I agree with Hagrid. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
MOLLY: Arthur, look at Harry! He doesn't look all that convinced!
HARRY: Well, I have to say…I'm really not. Sorry, Dumbledore, but the Death Eaters are about to do a fictional Avada Kedavra, and Voldemort is standing right behind me!
SIRIUS: Well, would a song cheer you up, Harry?
RON: Yeah, why not? Let's have a song!
DUMBLEDORE: A song…I do love music. It's the very best kind of magic. And I do believe I've got the perfect tune for the occasion.
Dumbledore clears his throat, then smiles at Harry
DUMBLEDORE: Now cheer up, Harry. You know what they say:
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
FRED and GEORGE: Python! Wicked, Dumbledore!
DUMBLEDORE: Thank you. (continues with the song)
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble. Give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And…
Always look on the bright side of life.
Fred, George, Arthur, Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid whistle.
DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Go ahead, do the next bit, Sirius.
SIRIUS: All right then.
When life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing!
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!
And…
Always look on the bright side of life!
Whistling. McGonagall joins in.
DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Come along, everyone, join in if you know it!
For life is quite absurd,
And that's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin,
Give the audience a grin.
EVERYONE: Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow.
So…
HARRY: Always look on the bright side of death.
Whistling.
EVERYONE: Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Whistling.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, your turn!
SNAPE: I most certainly will not.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, come along, none of us are going to remember this, anyway.
SNAPE: Fine.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it,
Life's a laugh, and death's a joke it's true.
I'm done.
HARRY: I'll pick up, then.
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And…
Always look on the bright side of life!
And so this is where this version of the story ends. Harry and most of the people he cares about tied to gravestones in the Little Hangleton churchyard, surrounded by Death Eaters, and singing a cheery song. Good for them. And they all come out fine, in case you were wondering.
EVERYBODY!
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
SNAPE: Worse things can happen in the Potions lab, you know.
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
SIRIUS: What have you got to lose? You come from nothing.
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
DUMBLEDORE: You're going back to nothing. What have you lost?
HARRY: Nothing!
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
HAGRID: So cheer up, there, everybody! Give us a grin, c'mon!
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
Always look on the bright side of life!
(Whistling)
DUMBLEDORE: And here's the real end of this story.
FRED: And incidentally…
GEORGE:…the record is available by owl post.
Always look on the bright side of life!
HERMIONE: I don't know what this new author was thinking…
(Whistling)
HARRY: I know. She's never going to get her reputation back.
Always look on the bright side of life!
RON: Who do you think would read this rubbish?
(Whistling)
HARRY: Dunno. Let's just finish up.
Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the light side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life!
END