Thanks to the readers of this story and your reviews: it really motivates me.

Disclaimer: Do you really think I would write stories and publish it all over the internet if I good make good money out of it? Didn't think so!

Note: The title of this chapter belongs to a song of the sexy Lenny Kravitz!

Chapter 6 – Stillness of heart

Although I would never admit it, I had been anxious to know if there would come any kind of reaction to my letter. After a couple of weeks I indeed received a response. A letter. Handwritten. I was holding it in my hands, while sitting on a bench under a tree at Yale. I know I should open it but I also was a little afraid for what might be in it. After staring a couple of more minutes, I inhaled deeply and opened the envelop. It wasn't really a surprise, a couple of days before I knew from mom that Jess called Luke and what else should he be calling for, except her address?

There it was, a letter from Jess… I would recognise his handwriting everywhere. My hands were shaking as I started reading. 'Hi Rory…' I felt like I couldn't breathe. This was ridiculous, it was only my name! It was just a letter. I forced myself to read along.

Hi Rory

I don't usually write letters but I guess this is an exception. It's weird too… I mean your letter was written over a year and a half ago while I have to answer now, with all that time, distance and history between us. These letter doesn't come from pain or a broken heart, but from my fully conscious mind. I've never written you a letter and now I have to, in some strange circumstances but I get that it is important to you so that you can find 'stillness of heart, so I can start to find my way out of the dark'.

I couldn't help smiling. Lenny Kravitz had been a sore point in our discussions about music… I read further.

I indeed deserve you being mad at me, and I probably deserved it all those times you were supposed to get mad but you didn't. And no I don't blame you for it. I mad at me too for doing those things to you. I admit it: I didn't treat you right, in fact there were more things I did wrong than I did right. I know that now – and I'm really sorry about it all. I'm sorry I hurt you, I truly am. You have no idea…

In your letter you ask me like a million times 'why'. A good question but also a tough question. Do I really know why? I don't… but there are always rationalisations that retrospectively explain our behavior. Why didn't I speak when I called you? Why we never talked about what's inside me? Why I ran away? Why I didn't tell you about my problems? Why I didn't trust you? Actually, that's not true: I did trust you, but more importantly I wanted to do good and be right for you… and in trying to achieve that I did all the wrong things. One could say my intentions were good, but my actions weren't… it's no excuse, I know, but it's an explanation.

In short the problem was that I failed you. I failed you a lot I guess, but never ever did I feel so small..., so bad…, so inferior as I did then. I was not graduating because I worked too much. I ignored the warnings the school sent me so that I was too many days absent from school, so that I couldn't catch up in summer school. I should have redone the whole year. I found out at the day of Kyle's party, that's why I was so sad. I felt ashamed and stupid, because you were graduating and because I couldn't take you to your prom. And then my dad came along. He didn't say anything and the next day he was gone. Because I let you down and Luke had made it clear that I couldn't live there when I didn't graduate, I decided to follow him. I guess he was the easy way out.

I remember I saw you on the bus the day I left but I didn't have the heart to tell you. If I had told you, the hurt in your eyes would have killed me. If you had asked me to stay, I would have.

I couldn't help thinking: If he wanted to stay, if he would have stayed because I asked him than why didn't he just stay? I didn't know any of the things above, but I'm certain that if he told me, things would've been different.

I decided to tell you over the phone, so there was some distance. I thought that if I didn't see you things would be easier. But they weren't. I just couldn't force myself to tell you all this and then, after that last time at your graduation, I just stopped calling because I figured you'd want the rest.

Running away is a very familiar coping strategy. It's easy too… another world, other people who don't know who you are, who don't treat you differently, who don't ask you questions you want to avoid. It's a bit like starting over too. Unfortunately I have a talent for fucking things up, so… I have to keep running because I keep making mistakes.

I hope you had a nice time in Europe – some day I want to go there too – but who doesn't?

Stay in school!

Jess

PS I didn't get a basketball in my eye, I got beaked by a swan – Luke never had so much fun in his life!

I had to smile again. So that was what it was all about… and all I cared about was if he and Dean had gotten into a fight over me. Dean… I really couldn't let go apparently. Sounds familiar too.

I sat still for a while. I didn't exactly know what to expect if I got a letter, but I was certainly not expecting this! The tone in this letter was calm, almost soft and open. This was not what I was used to from Jess. So I guess he really did change…

Slowly I put the letter back in the envelope and started to walk around a little bit. The biggest questions were answered now. I felt relieved, in a strange way. But not quite satisfied actually… I couldn't really figure out why… As I was walking a lot more of thoughts and memories kept whirling trough my mind. The remembrance of these made me smile. It had been a beautiful chapter of my life, in spite of all the dark marks…

Suddenly I remembered a sentence from the letter:

'Stay in school'

'Unbelievably', I thought with a light smile around my lips … stay in school, that for him to say! It makes me wonder though… Did he ever graduate? Is he studying? I suppose not… he's smart enough, but of course, he has to want to… I very much wanted to know the answer, so I decided to write another letter… it were just letters right? Maybe we could be friends again…

PS Sorry that it took me so long. I know I promised that it was going to be posted soon. I had it all in my head so I thought this would be an easy chapter. Turns out it wasn't. I finally got it right, so I hope you like it! Please read and review!

Note: I noticed that I can't update every couple of days, it takes me too long to work it all out (plus I've got stuff to do for school) so I hope that you won't stop reading because of this!