"This is a map of the village. Guards are posted here," he pointed, "…here and here. The prison cells are here. Orochimaru and many of the high level ninja are currently away on some top secret mission, so they won't be a problem, and Sound isn't expecting an attack. It's still better guarded than the Leaf, though, so be on your guard at all times."

"This is the plan…"

"So… how often does he go off on these…" the Sound nin paused, feeling awkward. "…excursions?"

He was obviously newly cursed. "We call them 'top secret missions.'" The other, older guard informed him. "He needs them a couple of times a year. It's a great honour to be chosen to accompany him."

"Is it true what the other guys say…" the new guard leaned in closer. "Do you actually have to scrub his back?"

"Not if you're lucky. Just keep your head down, do whatever Orochimaru-sama says, and don't make any 'time of the month jokes.' He's very touchy when he's shedding."

Just inside the hot spring, Orochimaru sneezed twice in rapid succession. Someone was talking about him. Who would dare do such a thing?

"Guards!"

The two ninja stationed outside the entrance rushed in.

"You called, Orochimaru-sama?" asked the older one politely. The younger was still staring, open-mouthed, at his leader. Naked. In a hot spring, which, thankfully, covered him from the waist down. Bits of shed skin littered the floor around the pool. You saw a lot of weird things living in the Hidden Village of Sound, but this…

Unfortunately, he didn't cover his shock fast enough. And Orochimaru was not in a good mood.

"What are you looking at? You think I'm ugly, don't you? I look hideous right now! And I'm bloated! I could barely get that stupid purple rope around my waist this morning!"

And before the hapless guard could protest that no, Orochimaru-sama had never looked better, and could he be excused to get his great and terribly attractive leader some chocolate, said leader had wrapped an improbably long tongue around his neck. A few seconds later the guard was no longer in a position to enjoy the generous benefits package Sound Nin were offered, including full dental, provided you were willing to go to Kabuto-san for it.

"Go dump the corpse somewhere." Orochimaru said, somewhat more calmly, to the surviving guard. "And come back quickly. My back needs scrubbing."

The brick was quietly pulled out from the wall, creating an opening between the cells. A familiar voice whispered, "You've done everything we discussed, Izumi-chan?"

"Just like you said, aneki."

"The water?"

"Yep."

"The restrooms?"

"Every one but the ones on the far east side."

"Wonderful. I need you to do one more thing. Stand over by the window and stay there until I tell you to move, okay?"

"Okay… but why?"

"I… we… trust me. Please? We're almost out of here."

"Fine, fine… but you owe me. Especially since you had me do all the work while you sat in there and read."

"I promise to buy you ramen at the first stand we see."

"Ramen? Deal." The brick was quietly wiggled back into place and both sat back to wait. One of them with her nose buried in a book, and one with her back against the outside wall of the prison.

"...so the signal to head in to the village is when all the toilets explode?" Naruto asked, puzzled.

Naruto was confused and Sasuke was smirking. Some things, even after all that time, hadn't changed. "All the toilets but the ones on the far side of the village."

"Eh?"

"They've put something in the water supply that'll give everyone the runs. Then they exploded all the toilets through the sewer lines, except the ones farthest away from the prison. In the confusion and fighting, we slip in and grab the prisoners."

Sasuke was then treated to a display of Naruto smile #3, the one that turned half his face into a grin and emphasized the catlike whiskers on his cheeks. The one that expressed infinite joy in the universe. The one that was adorable and at the same time strangely…hot.

…when had he started considering Naruto's smiles alluring? Probably when he was bored and lonely and had nothing to do but stare at the reinforced wall of his holding cell, which was about the same time he'd started categorizing Naruto's smiles from memory. By now, the smile classification system was a thing of beauty in its own right, with subtle gradations of diameter clearly delineated, and subcategories including "reason for smile" and "inherent level of cuteness." This one probably rated about a seven on the adorability scale.

Okay, he was so not going to think about any of that right now.

"That was a prank worthy of an Uzumaki!" Naruto announced proudly.

It was only then that Sasuke grasped the true horrour of the situation. One Naruto loose in the world was terrifying, but two of them… Satori had better be able to keep her in line.

Off in the distance, a sound could be heard, a sound never before heard in the Sound Village. But one that would have been instantly recognizable to any inhabitant of Leaf.

The toilets were exploding.

It was time to move.

Sasuke shoved the scroll back into his pouch and gestured for Naruto to follow.

He was bored and not feeling at all well.

Why'd he have to be on guard duty anyhow? None of these prisoners were fighters, and all were under a compulsion jutsu not to try to get out. But no, since that Uchiha brat had escaped a few days prior, there was increased security on the remaining important prisoners. The rumour was they were also trying to get back the Uchiha before Orochimaru-sama came back from his retreat and found out they'd lost him.

Otherwise, Orochimaru-sama would not be happy. And when Orochimaru-sama wasn't happy, nobody else was either. Except Kabuto-san, who tended to use these occasions to pick up more test subjects for his experiments.

Okay, now he really wasn't feeling well…

"Take over for me, I'm gonna go use the toilet," he said to the guard next to him, who was looking a little green as well. By now he was almost doubled over, and all he could think about was a nice relaxing trip to the latrines.

"No you're not, you're gonna stay here while I use the restroom!" The other guard suddenly pushed him aside and began running towards the nearest public convenience.

Not one to back down from a challenge, and really really needing to use the damned restroom, he began sprinting after the second guard. They got to the toilet a minute or two later, having spent the entire trip elbowing each other out of the way in a mad dash to be first.

It is a well-known fact that Sound nin do not get along with other villages. It is less well-known, but equally true, that they don't get along with other Sound nin either. So when they saw a huge crowd gathered around the lavatories, their first thought was not to form an orderly queue, but to begin punching and fighting their way through the crowd. A crowd composed entirely of people trained from a very young age to fight and kill.

It was brutal and horrible, and smelled worse, on account of a few in the crowd not being able to hold themselves in any longer.

Then, of course, the toilets in front of them exploded.

As one, they all began running for the next available toilet. Which had exploded by the time they got there. Until it became clear that for the entire village of several thousand people, there was one set of community toilets left unscathed and usable.

It was going to be a bloodbath.

Well, here are the first two chapters... it's a little scary to post, as this is probably going to be the longest thing I've ever written. Was it funny? Comments and suggestions welcome.

The next chapter should be up in a week or two.