Disclaimer: not mine. Although I wish Daniel was. ahem what?
Warnings: um. Spoilers for FIAD, Past and Present, and Divide and Conquer.
I Really Do
It's been four weeks since Martouf died and Sam's heartbroken. Jack tries to ignore it, but he can't. He just wants this to pass by, but when Sam's so hurt, he doesn't know what to do. I try to talk to her, I know the path she's going to take, and I don't want to see her take it. It happened to me when Sha'uri died…what am I saying? She wasn't in love with Martouf, was she?
It's just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when I can't do anything except "be there". But I'm not "there." She isn't telling me how she's feeling, but I can see it. I see it in her eyes. I want to make her stop hurting, but I can't. I wish I could take away her pain and her hurt. I really do.
It's been two months since Martouf died, and Sam's better. She's still hurt, but not so much. She talked to me about it and I've been helping her since. I hope she knows that I would do anything for her, everything. But I don't think she knows how I really feel for her. I don't think she realizes how much it hurt me to see her in pain. But it hurts more when I see her with Jack. Everyone on base knows that they're meant to be with each other. And all those alternate realities. I lost the first woman I loved and I'm going to lose the other woman I love before I even had a chance.
Sure, Sam and Jack aren't a couple…yet. But I see it, I can see it, it's going to happen. Janet sees it too. She's in love with Jack, and he can't see it. I told her that I've been in love with Sam, even before Sha'uri died, and I felt so guilty. I felt I was betraying my wife, but she told me that she would have wanted me to move on. She said she's loved Jack for a long time. She couldn't remember exactly when she did; it just suddenly came to a realization. It's sad, isn't it? We're both in love with each other's best friends, and they'd rather be with each other.
I'm sitting in my apartment, listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. All those sad songs. I remember Sam telling me that she loves Ewan McGregor, especially in that movie. I'm writing a letter, telling her how I feel. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. She's in love with Jack, for cryin' out loud! And I'm going to write out my resignation also. Seeing her with Jack, it's too much. It's more than I can stand. I wish I could stop being in love with Sam. I really do.
I walked out of my office, and I saw an envelope taped to my door. I recognized the writing as soon as I saw it, Daniel's. I wondered why he wrote me a letter, instead of just talking to me. I put the letter in my bag, deciding to read it once I got home. The colonel seems so surprised that I'm going home. I reminded him that I do go home once in a while.
Once I left the base, I went straight home. I wanted to know what was so important for Daniel to say that he couldn't say to my face. After putting in the CD that was attached to the envelope, I started to read the letter.
Dear Sam,
I bet you're probably wondering why I'm writing you a letter. What I'm going to say, I just can't say it to your face without breaking down. Doesn't really seem like me, huh? It's odd, isn't it? How people can suddenly change after an event, how it can change feelings, emotions, everything about people.
I don't know what happened between us, Sam. Ever since Martouf died…we've distanced ourselves. Why Sam? I miss our late nights at the base, when it would just be us awake, talking about some new discovery we made. I know it's partly my fault as well. I saw myself breaking away from you, and I did nothing to stop it. I let it happen and I regret that.
He's right. We did break apart from each other, distancing ourselves. Fighting whenever we had a chance off-world…and they were about the smallest things. About who cooked, who got first watch, who put up the tents, or who gets the wood for the fire, all stupid, petty things. It got so bad that I almost punched him. I would have, if the colonel and Teal'c didn't stop me.
I reread those two paragraphs and that's when I saw the smudged ink. I realized that he was crying while he wrote this. Why didn't he just come to me? Why didn't we talk about it? Why didn't I go to him? I could ask myself that. I continued to read the letter, feeling the tears that were bound to come.
I didn't want you to find out this way. I don't know when it happened, really. I don't know when I began to fall in love with you. I just did. It hit me after Sha're died, but I had feelings for you before she died. I felt guilty, like I was cheating on her. And when I thought I felt something for Ke'ra, I was trying to ignore my feelings for you. But that's when I knew I was in love with you.
My heart soared after I read that. Daniel loves me! Feelings of joy spread throughout my body. I began to reach for the phone, but my eyes caught sight of the next lines.
Silly, isn't it? How quickly I fell for you. But you're an easy woman to fall for, Samantha Carter. It happened to Jack, Narim, Martouf, and most of all, it happened to me. And I know that it's going to happen to other men, I'm sure of it. But I can't be around to see it, it hurts me too much.
So, this is my goodbye. I don't know when I'll see you again. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But by this time tomorrow, I'll be gone. I will have resigned from the SGC and be out of your life. I'm so sorry about this Sam, but I just can't take it. Not when I know that all we'll ever be is friends.
Goodbye Samantha Carter, I'm so sorry, but know that I love you.
Love, Daniel Jackson
I couldn't hold the tears any longer. He's leaving, and it's because of me. Why didn't he just tell me? Rereading a few lines, it hit me. It happened to Jack… He didn't tell me because of the colonel. He knows that he's in love with me. Hell, the whole base knows it. He didn't try all that hard to hide it. Daniel's too honorable of a friend to tell the woman his best friend loves that he has feelings for her. Why do you have to be such a good person?
But that's why I love him. Then I realized what song was playing and what movie it was from. El Tango de Roxanne. I started to cry even harder. Listening to the words in the song…realizing how much it related to Daniel, how much I must have hurt him…it hurt me to know that it was me, the reason why he's so heartbroken.
I must have cried myself to sleep because when I woke up, it was 6 in the morning. Remembering what happened the night before, I rushed to get ready and head to the base. Luckily, I just might be able to catch Daniel before he leaves.
Daniel hurried to his office and shut the door. Looking around the office, seeing the life that he loved, he began to cry. Knowing that he was going to leave what he loved to do behind and start a new life was too much. But he knew he had to go.
He dried his eyes and began to pack the artifacts. Not hearing the door open or close, he was surprised to hear Sam's voice.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"What does it look like?"
"Daniel…"
He turned around and looked into her eyes, surprised to find them bloodshot.
"You read it, didn't you?"
She looked at him carefully, taking notice of his disheveled appearance. His red eyes, un-combed hair, he was a mess.
"Why didn't you just tell me? Daniel, you could have told me."
"Told you? Sam, everyone knows that you and the colonel have it made. Everyone knows that you have feelings for him."
"He…he was a safe bet. But he's not the one, Daniel. It isn't him. So I know why you think you should leave. But you don't know why you have to stay."
She walked over to him, closing the gap between them, and put her arms around him. Looking into his beautiful blue eyes, she kissed him.
fin-
a/nhope you liked it. might write a sequel depending on reviews.