Chapter Two: The Friend.

Bleary-eyed, I sat up in bed the next morning, staring at the sunlight that attacked my face. Where'd that come from? I instinctively reached for my belt, forgetting I had stashed it elsewhere. Rolling onto my back, I suddenly noticed a servant at the door looking at me with mild interest.

"There is someone on the phone for you sir," he chirped.

"Well, who in Merry Toadland is it?" I grogged impatiently.

"Cranky?"

"Why yes I am," I rubbed my eye sockets dry.

"Er... no, sir," said the servant. "The one waiting on the line is Cranky, sir. Cranky Kong."

I bolted upward, not realizing I hadn't any pants. "Why didn't you say so!" I jumped into my coveralls and dashed off into the hallway.

"Sir, it's the other way for the phones."

"Oh..." I turned around and went the right way.

Mario had already gotten a chance to speak with aged gorilla, an old friend of the family. The call was long-distance, to say the least, but Peach would take care of the bill. So I promptly spoke into the receiver. "Yes?"

"Is this Luigi?"

"Yep."

"Well, good!" he spat. "I just heard that your father died, and I wanted to give you my, er, condolences, and stuff."

"All right."

An awkward pause.

"That it?" I asked.

"Oh, erm..." Cranky's voice cracked. "I've told your brother about the tape of your father that was left with me -- his last will and testament. You'll have to come over and view it with us."

"I understand." I was ready to hang up.

"Suppose that's all," said the ape. "Goodbye, now."

"Goodbye"?

Since when did Cranky speak like this?

---

"My name isn't Cranky!" he howled. "That's just a stupid thing my son and his friends called me when they were toddlers." He limped his way over to the far wall. "My name is Donkey Kong -- the original and best!"

Mario and I had taken Peach's private jet over to the DK Isles, discovering the ape's treehouse deep in the lush junglescape with the help of a guide.

"So, your son is actually Donkey Kong Junior?" I asked.

"Yes!" he said. "What's so confusing about that?"

My brother and I kept our comments to ourselves.

The jungle guide spoke up. "Er, Mister Donkey, sir? If I may ask, why was the video will left in your possession?"

The ape smacked the tip of his cane on the guide's mushroom cap. "Silly, silly. It was given to me by their mother."

"But why you?" he asked, afraid to get hit again.

An odd sort of noise left Cranky's lips, and he began his story:

"A long -- but not too long -- time ago, the father of these two boys and I had a... shall we say, 'scuffle'. I was in the prime of my adolescence, and adrenaline flowed through me like a roaring river. Sure, I was cocky then, thought I could do anything I wanted. You could say I was an animal... in a manner of speaking. I had also been experimenting with several different banana powders -- but I'd rather not get into that.

So, anyway... In a confused rage, I kidnapped a defenseless young woman and took her to the highest skyscraper that happened to be under construction. In my chemically impaired state, I tossed barrels at anyone who'd try to climb after me.

The police were baffled. How exactly do you get an overgrown, muscle-bound gorilla down from a building without harming the civilian taken hostage? People were naturally afraid to try anything, but one had gotten the courage to act.

An athletic young plumber who had been given the nickname 'Jumpman' got into gear and dodged those barrels. I hopped from building to building, yet he still had the strength and agility to catch up with me. It was only when he had loosened the girders from under my feet that I gave up the girl.

Naturally, she was smitten by her rescuer. As I was sent back to the local zoo with my parents, young Pauline did her best to try and repay him, though she knew she couldn't, so the next best thing was to fall in love and have a baby or two.

So, now do you understand? Pauline was your mother."

We stared. The three of us weren't quite sure what to say; we grew up never knowing what happened to our mother, or if she was still alive.

"I knew more about your mother than even your father did," added Cranky.

Mario and I had never seen the ape so dreary and mortal before. It was clear that Papa's death affected him as much as it did us.

With a tilt of his head, he reached behind a miniature barrel featuring the DK logo in bright letters and pulled out a video. Letting out a defeated sigh, he slid the VHS tape into the machine, and the monitor flickered on.

"Hello," spoke a painfully familiar voice. "If you're seeing this for the first time, that can only mean one thing."

The pause was excruciating.

"So then, onto the legal stuff..."