Disclaimer-I own no characters. The idea belongs to citygirl1116, who did the same thing with Harry Potter.

A/N-Please read this with an open mind. I do not wish to mortally offend anyone, just poke some fun.

When Fanfiction Attacks

Heero rolled out of bed one bright August morning. After making sure his spandex was nice and tight—erm…after making sure his gun was secure, he walked out of the room. He lived in the Preventer building with the rest of the ex-Gundams.

He walked out the door just as Duo came out of his room.

"Hyuk! Hyuk! Gorsh! What is 2 plus 2?" Duo said, picking his nose at the same time.

"Pardon?"

"OHMYGODI'MSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAPPY!!!!!!!! SUGARISGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! IDON'TSUFFERFROMADHDIENJOYEVERYMINUTEOFIT!!!!!!!!""

"Are you feeling okay?" Heero asked.

"Whenever I'm with you, Hee-chan, I'm okay!" Duo said, throwing himself onto Heero. "Apparently, Hilde does not exist in fanon! Oh my darling my sweetie my angel my reason for living, tell me that you love me!"

Heero's faced blanched. "WHAT?!"

"You don't love me! Woe is me! I must go kill myself now! Oh, the angst!"

Duo was carted away to a mental hospital where he rocked himself back and forth and tried cutting.

Heero stared after Duo for awhile, when suddenly, Relena walked up to him. He was very relieved to see her, because she was his darling, sweetie, angel, reason for living—sorry, author got carried away—until he noticed that she was wearing a skimpy tube top, hip-hugger jeans, and shoes with heels two feet high.

"Heero!" She threw herself on him. "You don't know how I've longed to see you, to hold you, to make sweet monkey luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv to you!"

"O…kay."

"It's always about you! It's always about peace! It's always about the Earth Sphere! It's never about me! ME ME ME ME ME!!! And you don't care, do you?!"

"But, Relena, you worked for all those things…"

"HOW DARE YOU LOVE DUO AND NOT ME?! I'LL USE MY POSITION TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE!! I HATE YOU, YOU –expletive-!!!!!!!!!!"

She slapped him and ran off to seek solace in Dorothy's arms.

Heero wondered if the Zero System had been implanted in his brain, but decided against it. He just cocked his gun and went downstairs.

He walked in to find Quatre dressed in a frilly pink dress and applying cherry-red lipstick.

"Heero, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahling, it's so lovely to see you! Care for tea? More tea? Lots of tea? TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA….."

"Um…no thanks."

Trowa walked in. He was unnaturally buff, because we all saw what Endless Waltz did to him. Rarr.

"Oh, Quatre, you've melted my cold, icy, frozen, frigid, (Gets out Thesaurus), subzero, glacier-esque, tundra, barren wasteland of a heart! I love you, my darling!"

"Oh, Trowa!" Quatre clasped his (her?) hands together. "Am I woman enough for you?"

"Nope. Even though the creators originally wanted me and Quatre together, I'm going to go find love in Catherine's loving heart!"

"But isn't she your biological sister?" Heero asked.

"Heero, Heero, Heero," Trowa said sadly. "Don't you know that while no government except maybe Canada accepts it, slash and incest are totally acceptable in fanon? But maybe I'm not into Cathy. Maybe I love Dorothy. Oh, darn, I can't, Relena ran to her after you broke her heart about Duo."

"I'M NOT INTO DUO!!!!!" Heero yelled.

"Darn, that gets rid of my humorous Get-Heero-And-Duo-Together subplot!" Quatre said, crossing his arms and stamping his foot.

"And what about Middie?"

Middie appeared, and then suddenly disappeared. "She's not popular enough with authors to be of any use," Trowa explained.

Wufei walked in.

"Where is my Duo? I love him so even though I seem to despise him in canon!"

"Wufei!"

"The baka! BAKA BAKA BAKA! I'm going to cut off his braid! I can't use English insults! BAKA!"

"Wufei, are you ill?"

"WOMEN! I HATE WOMEN—yet I don't like guys—unless Sally can melt my icy cold exterior in some scene in the desert!"

Heero stared at him.

"Oh, T-T-Treize…I-It's m-m-my fault he's d-d-d-dead…HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT HIM???????!!!!!!!!! The guilt, Heero, the guilt!"

"………"

"You!" He pointed to Quatre. "You have shamed the He-Man Woman-Haters club by wearing that dress! We must fight, Winner-san! For honor! MORTAL COMBAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Mortal Combat theme came on. Heero quickly turned to leave and saw the ghost of Nataku sitting in a chair, looking wistful.

"There are, like, 11 romance fics between me and Wufei," she explained. "Not enough people read the Episode Zero manga, so I'm almost a nonentity. I HATE YOU, WUFEI! Wait…I LOVE YOU, WUFEI!"

Heero quickly walked out of the Preventer building and bumped into Zechs.

"Heero! You –expletive-! You made my perfect cherubim of a sister cry! I'll kill you!"

"Zechs, wait…"

"Oh, call me Milliardo, Hee-chan! Never mind the fact that Noin has patiently waited for me and never cheated on me for over two years! It's you I want!" He flung himself onto Heero.

"Zechs, get off me!"

"Heero, whatever shall I do without Treize?"

"Maybe you should hook up with Wufei."

Zechs stood upright, a thoughtful expression on his face. Heero ran away quickly, wondering why everyone insisted on calling him "Hee-chan". Wouldn't "Heero-san" be more respectable? Or even "Heero-kun"? And why were they using Japanese words when the stories were in English?

(Author has done that so she pokes Heero with a pencil)

Heero bumped into Lady Somethingreallylonginsomeforeignlanguage Une and Lucretia Noin.

"Are you okay, Heero?" Noin asked.

"Oh, thank God, you're yourself!" Heero said.

"Well, of course I am, Heero. But suddenly…I'm feeling an attraction towards you…"

Heero jumped away and screeched.

"Just messing with ya!" Noin grinned and walked away.

Heero turned to Lady Une. "How come you two are okay?"

"Because we are the only two female character in canon couples," Lady Une said. "And in fanon, there is no room for female characters in canon couples. No worries though, this is an AU."

"What's AU?"

"It's code for "I can torture the puny fictional peons as long as I keep the names and make Heero HOOOOOOOOOT"."

She walked away, leaving poor Heero unprotected as a thousand fangirls attacked him, while legions upon legions of Mary Sues made-out with Trowa and Quatre.

List of apologies:

citygirl1116, whose idea I've ripped off

All the authors who done things that I've made fun of, because I just wanted to poke some fun. I hope no one is mortally offended!!!!! If enough of you hate it, I'll remove it. Just keep in mind that it was HUMOR. Oh, yeah, and I'm a freak. Mustn't forget that. I have squirrel juggling Reeses Peanut Butter cups in my head.

The people who read this story, for wasting their time