Disclaimer-Still don't own anything
When Fanfiction Attacks Part Three
Heero entered the store. Amazingly, it was very dark and shady, even though the outside seemed very nice and clean. Cigar smoke filled the room, and random detective music played in the background.
"She came into my office one winter day. I knew she was looking for love in all the wrong places…"
Heero turned and sent the Death Glare to Trowa. Trowa fell silent and slowly backed away, and Heero continued to the front counter.
"I need a gun," he announced to the man in a pin-striped suit, who had his back turned to Heero.
"Why's that, toots/sweetheart/some other mob boss nickname?" Wufei turned around, chewing on a cigar.
Heero blinked, but decided this wasn't the weirdest thing he had seen today.
"Because everyone's gone crazy," Heero deadpanned, "and I'm going to kill them if I have to."
An alarm suddenly went off. Screams filled the room loud enough to break the windows. Wufei jumped back against the wall and screamed like a girly man…which he was.
"What's the matter?" Heero asked, looking around. "I don't see anything wrong."
"You…you…you…you're IN-CHARACTER!" Wufei shrieked.
Duo screamed and fainted in the background.
"What?"
"You act like you do in the show! You threatened to kill people because they were crazy."
"Yeah, in episodes 25 and 26," Heero said, "when I was fighting Quatre."
Somewhere far, far away, all the little shounen ai fangirls were crying at Trowa's 90-second speech to Quatre before going boom.
"This is fanon, Heero! You're not supposed to threaten anybody."
"Oh, come on, Wufei," Heero said agitatedly. "I swore in Endless Waltz that I'd never kill again. It's just for self-defense."
"Don't say those words! Almost no one pays any attention to the movie. It destroys all the little fangirls' beliefs that Duo is jealous of you and Relena because Duo explicitly says "Anything at all for the one you love"/"That's what I call infatuation"/"So you really do care about her"/whatever other translation they come up with!" Wufei cringed.
"Fei-chan, is everything okay? I just got back from selling crack." Treize walked in.
"Oh, Treize!" Wufei jumped on Treize. "Even though I tried and succeeded to kill you, I just can't live without you!" He burst into tears. "Protect me from Heero's in-characterness!"
Treize began to throw roses at Heero. Heero blinked at the extremely lame and stereotypically Treize choice of weapon. He picked up a gun, dropped some money on the counter, and walked away.
He came across the clothing section of the store. He wondered why this hadn't been there before. He decided it was convenient for the author and shrugged it off, keeping a tight grip on his gun.
"Oh, hel-LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Heero!"
Heero turned around to see Duo holding some lacy undergarments.
"Duo, what are you doing in the women's section?"
"Are you calling me a man!" Duo gasped.
"You ARE a man."
"HOW DARE YOU!" Duo slapped Heero. "I'm a woman through and through!"
"You've been a male impersonator all this time?"
"Well, sometimes. Other times, I've been a female impersonator."
"But if you're female…This is fanon, isn't it?"
"Yep!" Duo grinned widely. "Now, don't try and spy on me in the changing room!"
"You can be sure I won't."
Duo was unsure as whether to be insulted or assured. He decided the safe thing to do was slap Heero and walk away in a huff, which he proceeded to do. Heero's face was beginning to grow very swollen.
Wufei sauntered up to Heero.
"Don't tell me you're a girl, too," Heero said warningly.
"No. I just cross-dress on weekends for the money."
"Just for the money?"
"Well…I've found that thongs are actually very comfortable…"
Heero looked at Wufei.
Then he just walked away.
He walked into the food court section to see a very confused Trowa sitting at a table, surrounded by several of the fangirls who had attacked him earlier.
"He's Latino!" one of them yelled.
Quesadillas appeared before Trowa.
"No! He's Greek!"
The quesadillas were replaced by baklava.
"He's Italiano, stupid!"
The baklava was replaced by ravioli.
"Latino!"
"Greek!"
"Italiano!"
"Latino!"
"GREEK!"
"ITALIANO!"
Trowa looked hungrily at the rapidly-changing food in front of him and sighed. Heero shook his head and walked away, thankful that everyone knew that he was Japanese.
No sooner did he think these thoughts that several hundred girls, all stunningly gorgeous with blinding white teeth and who you could tell were really, really nice, all appeared before him.
"Who are you?" Heero asked, covering his eyes with his hand.
"Here," one said, graciously handing him a genuine Ray Ban product. "We are the Teenage Fanfic Authors."
"Have YOU been doing this to me?"
"Why, yes."
"WHY?"
"Because it's fun. Since we are Otaku and lack real lives, we have created Mary Sue worlds in which our fantasies come true!"
"Duo being a woman is your idea of a fantasy?"
They all nodded in unison.
"Why?"
"Because it's fun, didn't we just say?"
"What kind of reasoning is that? How could you possibly defend completely destroying what actually happens in the show?"
"Well, we usually defend it like this: OMG ur soooo cols-mindid!1!11!1 BTW diz iz a fr33 cuntry n i cna du wut i wanna n u cant stop mee LOL!1!1!1!1!1!1!1."
"And people take you seriously?"
"Of course! How could anyone not take our attractive, brilliant selves seriously?" They all smiled again. All people in a twenty-mile radius screamed and went blind.
"I'm almost sorry I didn't let Zechs blow up the Earth…"
"Heero, we have to teach you the basics of fanon. First, we'll teach you about yourself!"
A blue portal opened and sucked them into the ground. After a few moments of contrived time travel applications, Heero landed in a classroom. The Teenage Fanfic Authors landed in the front of the classroom, all dressed like Harvard graduates.
"Cough, cough," one said. "Heero, you're here at Fanon 101 to learn about the noble art of fanfiction."
"I'm out of here." Heero stood up.
"SIT!"
Heero immediately sat down.
"What!"
"You're in Fanon, we can make you do whatever we want!" Teenage Fanfic Author Number 1 said. "Now, cough, cough. Fanon Case In Point Number 1: Heero Yuy."
A picture of Heero suddenly appeared on the blackboard.
"Heero Number 1: This is what we call Mean!Heero. You are a cruel warrior-man who enjoys torturing puppies, kitties, birdies, and small rodents."
"Why would I enjoy torturing puppies if in Endless Waltz—"
"DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS!" the TFAs screamed at him. "Cough, cough. You would sell your friends up the river if Dr. J told you to. You have an obsession with saying the word "Mission" in any or all of the following sentences: "Mission: Completed", "Mission: Accepted" or "It is my Mission". You also feel the need to say "Omae o korosu" for no reason."
"I'm not a soldier anymore, so why would I use that terminology?"
The TFAs blinked.
"What?"
"You used a big word," one stated. "We're TFAs. We don't understand big words."
"Are there any that do?"
"Oh, of course, there are plenty," another one said contemptuously. "But since they write stories dealing with serious issues and actually spell 99 percentof their words correctly, it's a general rule that their stories are never read. I mean, come on, who wants to read a story where someone isn't turned into a neko?"
"I would," someone in the background offered timidly. He was promptly escorted away by the authorities.
"Who was that?" Heero asked.
"Oh, he was one of approximately six male Gundam Wing fans," another said dismissively. "Now, cough, cough. Heero Number Two: This is what we call Sad!Heero. You are a sad, sad man. You are on all the anti-depressants ever made, but such is your misery that they cannot help you. You spend your time looking wistfully at your gun."
"And what's the plot of that story?"
"Nothing. Just you being angsty. Those usually last for only one chapter since you inevitably wind up shooting yourself, anyway. Now, for Heero Number Three: This is what we call Yaoi!Heero. You are very sad and depressed."
"That's the exact same as—"
"SILENCE! Cough, cough. As I was saying, you are very sad and depressed. This is because you realize you are in love with Duo. But since Duo is being Manwhore!Duo right about now, you are so sure that he can never return your feelings. Plus, SuperSlut!Relena is still hitting on you left and right, and all you want to do is kill her."
"That doesn't make any sense. I stopped wanting to kill Relena before the second DVD was over. And since when are Duo and Relena sluts?"
"DON'T INTERRUPT OUR BRILLIANT BRILLIANCE! But secretly, Duo is pining for you as well. He's just showing it by painting the town red with every random girl on the street."
"That's stupid."
"Yes, yes, good! You often say that to Duo."
"I don't recall ever calling Duo "stupid". "In the way", yes, but not "stupid"."
"WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING US? Anyway, there is simply one day when you cannot hold it in anymore. You shove him against the wall in the Preventer office, declare your undying love, and make-out with him right then and there."
"I make-out with Duo in a public place ofoccupation that I don't even work at, and no one says anything?"
"No, nobody notices. Except for the other pilots who were always watching you two through the hidden cameras in hopes that you'll eventually get together."
"You can get arrested for that."
"QUIET! Of course, you come out to SuperSlut!Relena for no apparent reason, since you've been trying to avoid her for all the rest of the fic, and she becomes Homophobe!Relena and tries to make your lives miserable, but winds up making herself look like a fool and we all have a good laugh at her."
"And where is Hilde throughout all of this?"
"Who?"
"Hilde. You know, the one that lives with Duo? The one that took him out on a date to the circus? The one who risked her life twice to help him?"
A very large green sign reading DENIAL suddenly appeared over the TFAs's heads.
"BROTHER-SISTER RELATIONSHIP!" they shrieked loud enough to shatter a few windows.
"Whatever, but my question was, where is she through all of this?"
One TFA turned to another. "You know, that's a good question."
The TFAs all looked confused for a while, before suddenly becoming mad.
"OMG lyke WTF! Wee r da arthurs n we cna du wateva we watn so dont u mak funn ov ussssss!1111111111"
Heero rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever."
They all calmed down, happy that their brilliant brilliance had stopped being questioned. "Now, for Heero Number 4: Het!Heero. You have run away for no particular reason, knowing full well that Relena is in love with you. Secretly you love her too."
"But you just said I was in love with Duo. Can't you pick a contrived plot and stick with it?"
"SHUT UP! Anyway, you change your name and hide away. But suddenly, Relena appears! She has decided to run away, too."
"Since when does Relena run away?"
"SILENCE! So, you accidentally meet up. There is a very tense moment in which you deny your love. That happens in every chapter until the last one, until your grab her and kiss her."
"I don't shove her against the wall in a public place and make-out with her?"
"No. This kiss is usually very pretty and romantic." Half of the TFAs pretended to barf. "For a Het story."
"And is there a Heterophobe!Duo?"
"No, Duo is very supportive."
"Fairness is not a strong point for you, is it?"
"OMG WTF—"
"Fine, fine, whatever."
They all settled down again. "Now, here is a sample Heero fic."
A projector suddenly appeared and began rolling.
Heero: I'm so upset. Think I'll go poke badgers with spoons.
Relena: Oh, Heero, you're so sexy! I love you! Be mine!
Duo: Oh, hi, Heero, like my new girlfriend? She's so fine, even though I've forgotten her name. But…you know…I think I have feelings for you.
Heero: (Shoves Duo against the wall) and makes-out with him
Relena: OH MY GAWD EEEEEEWWWWWWW GAY GUYS! (Trips over her dress)
Heero: (Stops making-out) with Duo I don't love you, Relena.
Relena: I don't love you either, Heero.
Heero and Relena: (Kiss romantically)
Duo: Aww! I so totally support you even though I still love Heero.
Heero: Mission Completed. Omae o korosu. (Shoots Relena)
The TFAs wiped their eyes and sighed. "Wasn't that romantic?"
Heero blinked.
"Now, on to Duo!"
Standard Disclaimer: This fic does not make fun of yaoi or fans thereof. It makes fun of bad fanfic authors and contrived plot devices. A contrived plot device can be good if it has a good author, but unfortunately, that is a very rare occurrence.