Bleeding Romantics and the Nymphomaniac Purebloods that Shag Them

By DramaPhile

Keywords: Harry Draco Romance Humor Valentine's Day

Rated: R for some pretty slashy shagging

Pairings: Harry/Draco,

Summary: "Please, Harry, Malfoys don't do romance, we are much better suited for wild, kinky sex without any strings attached."

Author's notes: This little plot bunny popped into my head while I was driving around and talking to myself, and is the first comedy fic I've written in over a year, considering the other pieces I'm working on are rather heavy and depressing... Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Hopeless.

Valentine's Day was flourishing at Hogwarts in a sickening sort of way. Love was in the air and the entire Great Hall was coated with a sickly sweet residue of hearts and flowers and everyone's sweetheart was trying their damndest to be the most romantic in the whole school.

Except Draco Malfoy, that is. He was much more occupied with getting shagged by his favorite Gryffindor in the nearest broom closet.

Harry was pleased with the idea of taking a little romantic stroll around the Castle and was not taking the not so subtle hints from his overzealous boyfriend as to what their destination activity would be. Draco finally grabbed Harry's hand and tugged him down the corridor.

"Did you see what Ron got for Hermione?"

Draco rolled his eyes. Granger had been surprised this by an unexpected owl delivery from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes containing a tiny cupid charmed to flit about and shower her with compliments and rose petals wherever she went. She was delighted, of course, and gave Ron a huge kiss before running off to the library to look up what sort of spell was used to charm it, the cupid frantically flitting after her, raining rose petals on half of Gryffindor's breakfast.

"That Godawful thing? Only a Weasley could have found a gift as tacky and hideous as that." Draco thanked Merlin that he and Harry had decided to forgo the petty gift-exchange holiday this year.

Harry frowned.

"Really? I thought it was kind of-"

"Kind of what, Harry? Romantic? Were you going to say romantic?"

Harry avoided his eyes and blushed a little.

"Why Harry James Potter, you're a bleeding romantic, aren't you!"

"Am not!"

"Are too! Admit it! You want nothing more than for me to buy you silly gifts and write you love poems and hold your hand between classes and make tender, sweet love to you on a bed of rose petals with candles and chocolate strawberries like some kind of girl!" Suddenly Harry wanted nothing more than to wipe the smirk off of his boyfriend's pointy little face.

""I just don't think straight people should hold the monopoly on affection. C'mon, Draco, it's not like you wouldn't benefit from a little more romance in our relationship. You know, that last suggestion wasn't half bad…"

Draco caught himself before he thought too much about naked Harry with chocolate strawberries and scoffed.

"Please, Harry, Malfoys don't do romance. We are much better suited for wild, kinky sex with no strings attached." He reached around and squeezed Harry's bum and winked. Harry slapped away his hand indignantly.

"So that's what you think out relationship is? I'd bet you couldn't last a week without all the romantic things I do for you."

"What romantic things?" Harry glared at him and Draco smirked back. "Besides, it is perfectly respectable to have a relationship entirely based on shagging."

"So, it's a bet then? If I win, I get one night or complete romance every week- that means poetry and flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries - the works."

"And if I win, I get all the animalistic, kinky sex I want." Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Don't you get that anyway?"

"Not while you keep making silly bets you're bound to lose anyway! So, deal?" Harry grinned.

"It's a deal."

Draco gave up on dragging Harry to the nearest broom closet and decided the space under the staircase would do just fine for their purposes. He pulled Harry into the dark crevice and pressed him up against the wall.

"now, about that animalistic , kinky sex…" he began to work at the buttons on Harry's uniform shirt while kissing his collarbone, but Harry wriggled our of his grasp and straightened his tie.

"Where are you going?"

Harry looked as though he was going to kiss Draco, but then moved back and patted Draco on the arm.

"Off to go make plans," he said, and with that scurried off down the corridor towards Gryffindor Tower.

"Harry!" Draco shouted after him, "How am I supposed to extol the virtues of a relationship based entirely on shagging when I'm not getting any!" Two second year girls burst into giggles as they came down the stairs and Draco glared at them, embarrassed.

"What are you giggling at? It's not funny!" Draco shouted, but they only giggled harder. Needless to say, Draco was not amused, and was instead irritated, horny, and more determined than ever to come out on top, one way or another.

..O..

Author's notes: Okay, I will try really hard to update this story often, but voluminous amounts of praise always helps.. wink wink. I do actually have the last chapter written already, I just need to finish the middle section… Review it, you know you want to!