She can feel herself falling deeper and deeper – and it is both exhilarating and terrifying to her. Being with him is a marvel, … a constant discovery of perfect moments.
When she sleeps in his bed, she feels safe and warm wrapped in his arms. And, when he sleeps in her bed, she feels peaceful, at total ease with another person invading her personal space. She likes him there, by her side, and longs for him when his presence is missing. In the mornings, she enjoys waking up next to him. And, she feels stronger knowing that whatever happens during her day, she can come back to him at night. Regardless of where they are, as long as they are together, she feels at home.
She loves wearing his blue flannel shirt, which she has now claimed as her own. She somehow feels sexier wearing his flannel than when she is wearing her own lacy lingerie. She realizes it's because it makes her feel closer to him – and when she is close to him, she always feels sexy. He has that effect on her.
She loves to give him massages after his long days in the diner, and she loves the rhythm of his breathing when he sleeps. She loves the way he caresses her thigh during a bed-time conversation, and how his eyes sparkle when he "pretends" to be annoyed with her antics.
She likes that she has learned so many new things about him. His daily routines, his likes and dislikes. Things that she had taken for granted before… this. Before they were together. And, she is always eager to learn more. To know more about her flannel-man.
Being with him has stirred emotions that she has never felt before. She finds herself in the middle of the day, sitting in her office at the Dragonfly, randomly juxtaposing the words Lorelai and Danes in the same sentence. Lorelai Danes. Lorelai Gilmore Danes. Lorelai V. Danes. When she shakes herself from her daydreams she can't help but smile at the possibility… at the Potential.
So she tries her very best to keep her dreams alive. She wants this more than anything. She wants them.
And, moreover, she is willing to do whatever it takes to hold on.
But, she doesn't realize, that sometimes the tighter you hold on to something the more likely it is to slip away…
"You were lying this morning."
I stood there, in the skates Luke had bought for me, in his embrace, when the words hit me like a ton of bricks. "What?" I replied, knowing full well exactly what he was talking about.
"This morning… you said you were fine, but you didn't look it. You get sick or something last night?"
I was so embarrassed. What was going to do? I decided it was best not to open the can of worms waiting to infest our lives if I told him the truth. "No. No, I just had a headache. Still do. Just one of those things."
"Yeah, I get headaches. I just feel bad." He really is just the sweetest person, I thought.
I shrugged. "That's all it was, a headache." I turned my attention to the beautiful ice-rink, wanting to rid myself of the current conversation. "I love this ice rink!"
"Try it out."
I was an awful person.
As I skated around the ice-rink, the rink that HE had MADE for me, I couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in my chest.
I had lied to Luke. Flat out lied. Twice. In the same day! And, I hated myself for it.
But, it had been well-intentioned! I thought. I mean, I didn't want anything messing things up. Messing US up. Things were good. Very good. And, the last thing I needed to do was tell Luke, Hey I spent the whole night drinking tequila with Christopher… the father of my child… former lover. That certainly wouldn't sit well with him.
I was simply pre-empting and avoiding any possible argument that could arise from this. Right?
Of course, the thought had crossed my mind that Luke would understand. Afterall, Chris had just lost his father, and Luke more than anyone knows how hard that can be.
I felt ridiculous and miserable later on that day. I didn't want to keep secrets from Luke. We were adults, in an adult relationship, and I wanted us to be able to share everything with one another. I'd never had that before in a relationship – complete confidence and trust in a romantic relationship.
And, I desperately wanted that with Luke.
But, it was too late. The lie had been formulated. There was no point in re-hashing it. No point in going back.
It seemed that perhaps some things were better left alone. Besides, it was an innocent lie.
What was the worst that could happen?
She's had her heart broken before. Too many times to count actually. From little Timmy Walker who left her in the sandbox to go play on the jungle gym with blonde pig-tailed Alexandra Cooper. And, then Mark something-or-rather in the 3rd grade, who had held her hand one day and then suddenly decided she had cooties.
There had been a number of guys in her early twenties who couldn't handle the fact that she was a young mother and walked away. But, she didn't really care about any of them anyhow. If they couldn't except her daughter, then good riddance. It was that defiant attitude that had left her relatively un-scarred.
She simply brushed herself off and kept on going.
She was never that girl. The one who cried and cried and couldn't function without the guy. Sure, she allowed herself time to wallow, but she was usually back to her normal self within hours.
She prided herself on her resiliency. For a long time she knew that she had be to be resilient. If not for herself, then for Rory. She couldn't let her daughter see her fall apart. She wanted to show her daughter how to be an independent woman.
It had hurt when Chris would zoom in and out of their lives. It had hurt when Max broke up with her the first time. However, she always chose to ache on the inside, and wear a smile on the outside.
It was just her way.
It would take a lot to keep Lorelai Gilmore down.
A heartache so large that nothing – no matter how large a smile she wore on the outside – could ever fade away.
"But, I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now." I was begging him. Trying as hard as I could to salvage our relationship.
His faced turned cold. "Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much."
I looked on completely stunned as he walked away. "No". The single word escape as a whisper from my lips.
I was at a loss. What had just happened? How did everything go so wrong?
I realized then that I was standing in the middle of Doose's, a pained expression on my face, and tears welling in my eyes.
I had to get out. I had to run. I needed a sanctuary away from prying eyes. Away from the blue and pink ribbons. They knew. Everyone knew and had expected that it would all go awry between me and Luke. They knew because it was typical of my relationships… it was typical of ME to mess everything up.
I ran all the way home, up the stairs, and fell into my bed, the tears now falling freely… heavily… as I relived those moments over and over in my head.
I can't be in this relationship... It's too much…
This wasn't supposed to happen. He had told me he was all in. He told the whole town that there would be NO breakup.
He promised.
I could feel the pillow beneath me soak through. But, the tears wouldn't stop.
Things were going so well between us. We had found our rhythm. What made us a couple…what made us click.
This couldn't be it. It couldn't be over. Eight years. It had taken eight years, and he was ready to give up so easily without putting up a fight?
Maybe I deserve it, I thought. Maybe, this is my punishment for not telling him everything that I long to tell him… not only the truth, but that I need him, and want him, and see my future with him.
That I... love him.
How could I let this happen? I thought, as I pounded the defenseless pillow beneath me. How could I have let my Mother come between us like this? Let Christopher re-enter my life and once again screw up my judgement?
But, most of all, how could I have been so juvenile to let others ruin the best relationship I have ever had?
I lay in bed for what seemed like days. Rory tried to help me. She tried to get me out of my depression. But, it didn't matter. Everything around me seemed to just fade away into nothingness. I didn't want to get up. Face the world. Have fingers pointed in my direction. Lorelai Gilmore… stupid woman… ruined her own chance at happiness.
Again.
And, they would all be right. I'm the one to blame. I pushed him. He needed time and I pushed him. I should have let him think. I know that about Luke. He always needs time… to process. But, I was relentless. I was stupid and needy. And, now…
Now he was gone.
And the tears won't stop. My heart won't stop aching for him. For his touch. For his warmth.
I had never been that girl.
But, this time was different. It was about something different.
It was about Luke.