Top of Form
Disclaimer- Characters belong to JKR, plot to Frank Baum, and the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness to Lord Voldemort.
Chapter 1
"I don't know what was in that soup…." moaned Sirius, flopping heavily onto his bed in the fourth year dorms. Remus grinned at his fallen friend as he and James entered the room "I don't know, I thought it was rather good!"
James wrinkled his nose and made a retching noise "I suppose werewolves must have stomachs of steel then, Moony, cause I feel like I've got flobberworms in my gut. Fire breathing ones, like Hagrid tried to get."
Peter nodded meekly as he crawled into bed, still fully clothed, and fell rapidly asleep. The other Marauders looked on in astonishment as his plump stomach rose and fell under the heavy covers of his four poster.
"Well." Sirius blinked "At least one of us will get to sleep tonight…"
James snorted as he went into the bathroom. "I think that everything Scandinavian should be outlawed and quarantined in Scandinavia, if that soup is the best they could come up with….International Cuisine week my broomstick! I don't know what Dumbledore was thinking! We could've at least have had something decent, like American, or Chinese!"
Remus yawned widely as he pulled on his nightshirt. "American Cuisine? Can't say I've heard of such a thing.."
"Me either." Said James, ruffling his hair and pulling on a pair of pajama pants. "I suppose it must be something greasy…..fast food maybe."
"Mmm…."said Sirius sleepily from beneath several layers of blankets and his pillow. "I bet Snape would like that. I'm sure hamburger grease works better than axle grease…..it hardens you know, so you could style your hair…"
"That could be something looking into…" James murmured. "What do you think?"
Only a raucous snore from Sirius and a rude noise from Peter's end of the dorm answered. But James was too asleep to be bothered. Remus smiled slightly, and sank into the warmth of his extremely squashy pillows. It had just begun to rain, and the slight pitter patter of rain against the panes of glass would put him to sleep in no time……
Remus awoke to howling winds, and rumbling thunder. The lights had gone out, and the shudders of the windows were making an awful racket as they banged against the windows. Even the fire was no more than a few smoldering ashes. He got slowly out of bed, peering around in the dark so as not to trip on the clothes and junk that was inevitably strewn all over the floor.
"James? Sirius?" he hissed at the other beds. Their curtains were closed, and they didn't answer. A clap of thunder boomed through the silent dorm, and Remus threw open the curtains to James's four poster.
He wasn't there.
It was the same for Sirius and Peter, their beds were made, as if they had never been slept in. Remus felt more than a little hurt. It was obvious that they had gone off on a midnight escapade without even waking him. He frowned. But, determined not to pout, he pulled on his robe and picked up his wand. He'd find them eventually…they were either in the kitchens or defacing school property somewhere.
He had just made it to the door to the stairs when the room gave the most awful lurch. Thunder rumbled ominously as Remus fell headfirst through the doorway, jarring his head painfully on a statue of Godric Gryffindor. He sat down heavily, stars winking before his eyes as he rubbed his cranium. Lightning flashed, and he closed his eyes against the sudden brightness.
But it didn't go away. He squinted into the light, still rubbing where his head had connected with Gryffindor's toe. There was a sudden tittering, and he sneezed violently as a bunch of flowers fell under his nose. Blinking furiously, Remus tried to discern what was making the giggling noise, and why it was so bright. The only thing he could possibly think of was that it was morning, and he had fallen out of bed…the others would surely laugh at that.…but it wouldn't account for the flowers…..
Something large and wet suddenly attacked his face. Remus struggled fiercely as a large, hairy thing stepped on his stomach. He heaved at the heavy beast off his chest and tried to sit up.
"Padfoot?" The animagus grinned down at him, and licked his face again. "Get off Sirius, you know I hate it when you do that!" Padfoot leapt off him, and began to drag him to his feet. There were more giggles.
Remus looked around impatiently….then almost fell back down in surprise. It looked like he had been thrown headfirst into a game of candyland. There were flowers everywhere, and odd, fruit shaped houses with glitter every few feet. Padfoot sat on his haunches, grinning up at Remus, in front of a large fountain spewing sparkling green water out of the mouth of a crazy stone statue.
I don't think I'm at Hogwarts anymore. He thought. Out loud he said "What the hell?"
There were a few gasps, and he wondered for a moment if the flowers could talk, but suddenly Padfoot growled, baring his teeth. A large bubble had appeared, and was growing bigger every second. Remus stared at it, fascinated, but Padfoot snarled, with hackles raised. He suddenly leapt at the bubble, which was approaching the size of an elevator, and it popped with a resounding poip
Lily Evans stood there, with her red hair tumbling down over a beautiful pink gown that largely resembled the bubble she had arrived in. She looked around wildly, then glared furiously at padfoot.
"You!" she shrieked, grabbing a large daffodil out of the ground and belaboring furiously with it on the poor dog's head. "You ruined my dramatic entrance!"
Remus stared as she finished whacking Padfoot, and began straightening her gown. The dog tucked his tail between his legs and snuck behind Remus.
"Right." She said sternly, glaring furiously at the poor dog. "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" Remus blinked. "Ah…well for starters, I'm a wizard…"
Lily blinked, then clapped a hand to her forehead. "Oh right. Of course, my apologies. It's only that the house elves wanted to know if you were good or evil…you know they can't really tell the difference between male and female, you'll have to excuse them."
"What?" Remus asked, bewildered. "House elves?"
"Well what do you expect?" she answered exasperatedly. "Midgets? They live here, and now they've practically proclaimed you King of the Universe because you dropped a castle on the Wicked Slytherin of the East."
"Excuse me!" Remus gasped, flabbergasted. "I did what?"
Lily sighed and pointed behind him with a ridiculous star tipped wand. "The Wicked Slytherin of the East. You dropped your castle on him."
He whirled around and saw with mild hilarity that a large portion of Hogwarts had obviously followed him. The Gryffindor 5th year dorm sat firmly upon the ground, with a leg and an arm poking out from underneath. The leg was clothed in a pine green robe, and the hand clutched a long black staff with a snake atop it, identical to the one Lucius Malfoy seemed permanently attached to. Remus walked over and peered inquisitively at the bodiless appendages.
"If he's the Wicked Wizard…"
"Slytherin." Corrected Lily.
"The Wicked Slytherin of the East, who are you supposed to be?"
"I.." said Lily, straightening herself and glowing slightly, "Am the Good Gryffindor of the North."
Remus did not answer; several flowers were now leaning over to explore his robes, and he felt violated.
"So you're good?" said Lily hopefully "Because the house elves would like to come out…."
She gestured towards the bushes, from which all of a sudden thousands of house elves sprung. Remus stared, since these could no be real house elves…they were dressed in an odd manner of random, garishly colored clothes, with large buttons.
Lily looked at him, rather embarrassed "Yes well, our tailor was taken awhile back, and they've had to make do by themselves….Anyway!" she clapped her hands together "This young wizard came here, and killed the Wicked Slytherin of the East!"
The house elves gasped and moaned for their poor poor master. Lily put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes "He was a horrible, cruel person! He enslaved you, beat you, and in every respect belittled you! It's a good thing he's gone!"
The house elves blinked, then began to cheer. Remus stared in bafflement.
"House elves" Lily whispered to him furiously "Are some of the stupidest creatures in Foz!"
"Foz?" asked Remus, still a little preoccupied with the elves, who had just begun to congratulate him by hanging onto every inch of spare robe they could find.
"Foz." Said Lily a little distractedly as she began to pick at and prod the house elves away from Remus "It's where you are."
"I thought I was dreaming." He murmured, looking around at the village again.
"Hm. Maybe you are." Said Lily, looking around. "Or maybe I'm dreaming….a bad dream, anyway."
"Well, I want to wake up." Said Remus firmly, pushing the remaining house elves away. "All these colors are hard on my eyes."
"I'm not sure if you can wake up. If this is your dream" added Lily thoughtfully. "But I'm sure the Wizard could help you! He lives in the Ruby City." She pointed down a long, winding road, completely paved with golden bricks. "Just follow the Golden Stone Road."
"Follow the Golden Stone Road." Repeated the house elves obediently.
Remus peered down the endless road. "Isn't there another way?" he asked weakly. "Can't you just pinch me or something?"
The seven house elves who had crowded around him all pinched him with their bony fingers. "Ouch!" yelped Remus. "That HURT!"
"Well of course." Said Lily crossly. "And didn't I just tell you? You can't wake up! If that were possible, I'd have been out of here ages ago. Only the wizard can help you. Get a move on, Lupin. And watch out for the Wicked Slytherin."
Remus paused in mid turn. "I thought I just killed him!" he said, pointing over to the dormitory. "He's dead!"
"Morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably, and reliably dead!" Lily agreed. "But I meant his friend, the Wicked Slytherin of the West."
Remus looked at her blankly. "You are crazy." He declared.
"No really!" Lily pointed with her sparkly wand "See look!"
He sighed and turned.
This could not get any weirder.
You really shouldn't tempt fate, said a voice in his mind as Padfoot began to bark, and he saw just who this Wicked Slytherin was.
"Lupin, what the HELL?" Snape came stalking forward as the house elves scampered out of the way, terrified. He was clothed in pure black robes with a silver clasp, but his face was a hideous shade of green. Lily was trying to stop giggling, and Padfoot was barking joyfully.
"Snape, you look lovely." Remus grinned at him.
Snape scowled heavily "I've been trying to wash this off for HOURS! If you don't wake up right now, I'll…." he paused, suddenly catching sight of the staff. Glaring suspiciously at Remus, he moved to pick it up.
"Ah ah!" said Lily, jerking her wand. The staff flew out of Snape's reach and landed next to Remus.
Snape gaped at Lily "Hey! Give it back!"
She shook her head regally. "No! Remus needs the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness to make his way to the Wizard of Foz!"
Snape gave her a Look, and crossed his arms. "First off, that staff is mine. Second, it is most certainly NOT called the Slytherin Staff of Sneakiness!"
"Is now!" she grinned cheekily.
"He's not even Slytherin! And he doesn't know how to use it! Only I know how to use it!" Snape shouted, looking quite close to jumping up and down. He looked from Remus, to Lily, then to the staff, then pulled out his wand. He pointed at Remus, who ducked behind Lily's poufy gown.
"Sorry Snape dear, but you have no magic here, remember?" Lily put in sweetly. Padfoot barked loudly and tried to tackle the green faced Slytherin, but was stopped by a well-placed kick from the Good Gryffindor. Snape gave them a poisonous look, then turned away. "Fine. But don't think I won't try and get it back when you're not about, you meddlesome Gryffindor… I'll get you, Lupin. And that bloody dog too."
He disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke.
Then he suddenly reappeared, looking livid.
"PINK?" he shouted at Lily. "PINK!"
"It's not MY fault you chose to be evil!" she said defensively. "That's what you get. And pink is a very nice color! Now go away before Frank Longbottom drops the seventh year dorm on you!"
More insults were exchanged, and Remus was beginning to become quite frustrated with the whole ordeal.
"Come on Padfoot." He muttered, starting off down the Golden Stone Road.
"Follow the Golden Stone Road!" The house elves chorused from their respected bushes.
"I GET THE POINT!" Remus shouted, sprinting as fast as he could down the road, hoping that the rest of Foz wasn't as crazy as the House Elf village.
Bottom of Form