Disclaimer:I own nothing. The characters are JKR's, the plot is Frank's, and the watermelon belongs to Jamie.

Chapter 2

"Good Witch of the North my rear end." grumbled Remus to his hairy companion several minutes later. He had since left behind the House Elf village, and had somehow found himself surrounded by large cornfields. It reminded him a lot of Iowa, where his cousin lived.
They had stopped for a breather, and Padfoot was barking at a bird or something of the sort. He sat on a rather large mushroom, and bent to remove a rock from his shoe. It was only then that he realized he was wearing proper robes, and not his pajamas at all.
Which only further proves that I'm dreaming. He thought gladly. Stretching, he began to explain his plan to Padfoot, who still was barking at the air, and did not appear at all concerned with anything else.
"….so I guess all we can do is follow this golden stone road…" he paused, almost expecting to hear a chorus of shrill voices behind him, then continued. "…and find this old wizard, since obviously I'm not going to wake up until I do. So let's get moving." Remus stood and turned back to the road, whistling to Padfoot. He came to an abrupt halt as he looked down the road in distress. It had somehow become some sort of intersection when he hadn't been looking, with three roads leading in different directions.
"Well that's just brilliant." He looked at the three identical pathways. "Now which way do I go?"

"I'd say the middle one." Said a voice from above. Padfoot ceased barking, and Remus looked around wildly. "It's always nice to be in the middle of things, don't you think?"
Remus looked upwards, and saw with surprise that James was flying above him on a broomstick. He seemed to be some sort of scarecrow, his messy hair sticking out in odd directions from underneath a floppy green hat. "I mean to say," James said, continuing his speech. "I always like to be in the center of attention, and in the middle of trouble, and between two good friends. Why should roads be any different?"

Remus looked at the roads, and realized with a start that there were now four paths, still identical. I guess more and more roads add on as time goes by… If he stayed here any longer, it would be impossible to choose the right one.
"Well, now there's no middle." James said mildly, still flying leisurely around in the air . "Oh well, you shall simply have to cut yourself down the middle and take both paths."

"That's stupid." Remus snapped. "And why are you up there still? Get down here."
"Why am I up here?" James repeated, looking bemused. "I don't know why I'm up here. Hm. Why am I up here?" he asked Remus, addressing him as if he had just noticed him.
Remus sighed in frustration. "Well…you're dressed up as a scarecrow. You must be scaring away the crows."
"Ah." Said James. "Well that's' pointless as there are no crows here."
"Then why are you up there?" Remus stressed, sitting down on a rock. "Just come down!"

"Now there's an idea!" James brightened. "Man, when you think, you think!"
He looked around. "Where's the ladder?" he asked brightly, grinning at Remus.
It was impossible that this James could be stupider then the real James, but the scarecrow seemed insistent on proving him wrong.
"There's no ladder." He said calmly, scratching Padfoot behind the ears. "You just get off."

"Oh, is that all?" James asked. He slid sideways and fell off the broom.
Remus clapped a hand to his forehead as scarecrow-James fell apart upon landing. "You stupid git." He said slowly. "I meant land the bloodybroom! Now we can't even use it!" The broom, indeed, had begun to drift away, and was soon out of sight.
"Sorry." Said James cheerfully, pulling himself together. "I guess you'll have to use your legs. Isn't it handy they have feet on the end of them?"
Since he didn't seem sarcastic, Remus threw aside the idea to kick him apart again.

"Oh good, there you are, I hoped you wouldn't go down these roads before I could reach you!" came a pleasant voice from behind him. Lily the Good Witch had appeared. She clapped her hands together and looked at Remus "The Evil Slytherin made it as a trap, you see. But you always want to go down the one farthest to the right. Right is always right." She added firmly.
James had been surveying her with interest, and grinned charmingly. He ran a hand through his straw speckled hair and said "Hey there beautiful" , nodding in her direction.

Lily looked at him in disgust. "Get away from me, straw for brains."
James winked at Remus. "She likes me, you know." He whispered, loudly enough for Lily to hear him.
"What!" she shrieked in outrage. "I most certainly do NOT! You don't' have enough brains to fill a child's sock! I would prefer the Evil Slytherin of the West to you, at least he can count past ten!"

James looked terribly offended. "Oh yeah?" he said arrogantly. "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-12. So there."
Lily scoffed. "Twelve doesn't come after ten."
"Does it come before?" James asked, confused.
Lily hesitated, thought about that, and then promptly ignored him. "Anyhow…." She said, turning back to Remus. "Take that road. Right there, you should be okay." She gave James one last, very dirty look, and disappeared.
They were quiet for a moment, then James said sullenly "I thought she liked me."
Remus smiled. "Don't' worry, you have just as bad luck as you have in real life."
"Huh?" said James, scratching a spot on his chin. "Real life?"
"Erm…yeah. See this is just a weird dream I'm having, and I'm going to Foz to have the Wizard get me out of it. I guess he's like…omnipotent or something. Curer of all Ails, and whatnot."

James brightened. "Hey…if I went with you, do you think the Wizard would give me brains? Then I could score with Lily! She's always saying I wouldn't be so bad if I was smarter." He looked around and nudged Remus secretly. "And it's either me or those House Elves she watches over. Not much competition, if you know what I mean."
Remus looked down at Padfoot, who was licking James's hand appreciatively, and shrugged. "Sure, you can come. But I don't know if even brains will help your chances with Lily….."

As they soldiered on, James's boasted about his prowess as a scarecrow. "Yeah, you see the only reason there aren't any crows around here is because I've scared them all away already." He said proudly. "I'm like…like….super crow-scarer-guy!"
Remus smiled vaguely, for he had stopped paying attention to his friend ten minutes ago.
"You know," he interrupted. "I'm starved. Is there anything to eat around here?"
James paused, and whirled around really fast. "I don't see anything….let me try again!" he repeated the act.
"There!" Remus looked where James was pointing, and saw what appeared to be a very large willow tree….only it had all sorts of fruit imaginable tucked within its branches. "I'll go get you something!"

He stood at the base, and leapt as high as he could to try and snatch a peach. But the minute his hand came close enough to the branch, it suddenly pulled back, out of reach. The two stared at the tree, then James tried again, this time aiming for a watermelon on a lower branch. The branch flew up again, out of reach, as if it was an arm.
James scowled heartily, and thumped the tree soundly on the trunk. "What's all this about?" he whined. Before Remus knew what had happened, a large branch swung down and knocked the poor scarecrow off his feet. Remus ran over to the dazed James, who was rubbing his head, and cursing wildly. "How rude!" he exclaimed vehemently. "All I wanted was a…" they both ducked as another branch when swinging wildly overhead.

It was almost as if the willow was trying to avenge the thump James had given it.
Well, yeah! Remus thought, mentally kicking himself. The Whomping Willow!
"It's alright." Remus got to his feet. "I think I know how to get our fruit."
He picked up the stick and dodged nimbly between the flaying branches. The stick connected with the familiar knot and the tree slowed, so the only movement was the gentle rustling of the leaves in the wind.
"Well." Said James after a moment. "That's handy."
Remus grinned, and plucked a peach and a plum from the tree. "You've got to know where to aim. Want one?"

James puffed out his straw-filled chest "I can get my own fruit thanks!"
He decided to get the biggest one there: The watermelon.
Remus rolled his eyes as James forcefully tried to lift the gigantic melon. Pretty soon, his arms began to fall off. As he lost more and more straw, he seemed more and more determined, until he suddenly paused, straightened, and walked away, head held high.
"I wasn't very hungry anyway." he said arrogantly, swaggering onwards down the road.
"The wizard would do some good giving you some modesty along with those brains." Remus murmured, following his friend.