A/N: My first Boy Meets World fic. w00t! Takes place after Cory and Topanga's wedding, but maybe not in the way you think. R&R and enjoy. Cory POV.
Warnings: Cory/Shawn slash. That's about it. That means: HOT BOY LOVE. Yeah, so... just read it. -;;
Hard
To Say
by HoldenHItHollywood
I guess I should've done more from the beginning. It always seemed easier to just pretend. Pretend that I didn't touch you just a little bit more than was necessary. Pretend that you never touched me back. I thought it was safer that way. I didn't know what to think of it, or myself. I'm pretty sure you were just as confused.
I latched onto Topanga. That was wrong. I know that now, but there's still nothing I can do about it. It hurt to let her go, because I really did care about her. Almost as much as I cared about you. Not enough. She hated me for it, probably still does. But that feeling will fade. One day, she may even be able to think of me without wanting to throw up. Right now, it's you I'm worried about.
You see, it's always been about you. Nobody else in my life has been nearly as important. I know I get crazy sometimes, but you keep me grounded. You were always there for me, no matter what. I tried to do the same for you, and I can't help but think I failed you somewhere along the way. I'm not as strong as you are. I never really was. You were always the one showing me things. Introducing me to the world. I know you, and I know that when I tell you how I failed you, you'll just sigh and smile and tell me that I was the only one who bothered. That I did something that mattered. You always tried to be honest with me. That's what I love about you.
I want to tell you how I feel about you. It's hard to say out loud. Writing it down, while cowardly, is much easier to do. I love you, Shawn. It's not something I can help, and I can't turn it off, it just... is. You know me so well; inside and out. Like nobody else does, or ever has. I can't lie to myself anymore; can't lie to you. You make me happy.
That having been said, I can't help but think that in some ways, I also resent you. I know it sounds weird. First I say I love you, and suddenly I resent you. But, just like my love for you, it's not something I can just stop. Yes, it has to do with Topanga, and I know that sounds lame, but there's more to it than that. She's the love I'll never have, the life I'll never have. Because I'm in love with you. It's not that I don't want a life with you, it's just that my expectations have shifted. Maybe it's just something I have to go through. Kind of like mourning the life I'll never get to live. I have to let it go in order to make room for you.
I'm writing this, and I don't even know if you love me, hate me, or just feel awkward. But I guess I do. I always did. Just like you know me so well, because it's a two-way street. I guess I should've done more from the beginning, but I didn't know how back then. I didn't even know who I was. You keep asking me why Topanga left the day before the wedding. I gave everybody else some lame excuse about falling out of love, and just realising it now, and they swalowed it reluctantly. But I think you knew all along. She left because I told her that I'm in love with you. That I can't be any other way. I can't be without you, because without you, I am one half of a whole. I love you, Shawn. I love you.