Author's Note You probably get tired of reading this but thanks to all the lovely people who have read and reviewed this fic – you keep me writing! There's not long to go until the end of this one but there will still be a few more twists and turns for Mary yet. This is another short chap I'm afraid but I promise I'll try to make the next one extra long to make up for it! :o)

Laura

Chapter Nine

There was a short, stiff silence. Gray's eyes flicked between Jack and myself. All of the breath was sucked out of me and I sat, feeling long lines of sweat trickle down the side of my head. It happened whenever I was nervous. I would go red then start to sweat. I longed to have the last few moments back again so I could stop myself from kissing Jack. This whole situation had just got a whole lot worse. I watched as Gray's face changed from shock and the startings of anger, to full on rage. I didn't blame him. He had every right to feel that way.

"Gray..." Jack started, his strong hand clutching my arm.

"Don't even look at me." He spat in return and I prayed that Jack wouldn't say anything else. I had seen that look before in people. It was a dangerous look, one that let you know something was smoking inside and if anyone dared to chuck a match towards it, they would never be able to get away before the explosion hit. "I don't want to hear your voice." He looked over at me, his wide eyes were clearly saying "How could you?"

I rose from the bench and shook off Jack's grasp. I didn't say anything, I just stood there, waiting, I waited for all the insults and condemnations that I deserved. It was in Gray's nature to throw it all out there in the moment of hurt. Let everyone know his disappointment, his hurt and his anger. But he didn't say a word. He stood there too, just looking at me with those eyes that seemed on the verge of watering but didn't. He didn't even blink. I wondered whether now it would be safe to say something, if only I could ease his pain somehow. But I had no right to. I had no right to even speak.

After minutes like this he walked off, hands in pockets, chin stuck out slightly. As soon as he had disappeared, Jack tried to circle me with his arms, his lips touching my ear. I pushed him back and stepped away from him.

"I have to go after him." I said, starting towards the inn.

"What are you going to do?" Asked Jack, sighing. "You can't say anything that's going to make it better."

"I've been in that situation, you haven't. I just need to explain."

"Explain what? That you were never going to marry him in the first place? Is that going to make him hurt less?" Jack kicked a pebble across the square. "No, it's gonna make you hurt less. Come on, there's nothing you can do."

Tears sprung up in my eyes. "Is that what you thought when you and Karen moved in together? That there was nothing you could do to stop me hurting less so you might as well just leave me to it? Is that what you thought?"

"No. I never said that." He reached out for me but once again I pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you Jack but when you and Karen... when that happened, I would have wanted nothing more than for you to come and explain it all to me. I was so confused. And if..." I paused and held a swallow full of hot air in my mouth then released it. "If you think like that then maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did. I'm sorry..." My feet quickened as I started making my getaway. "I'm sorry. I can't be here anymore."

"No, no... Mary, please wait!" He ran after me and started tugging at my arm. "Please let me explain..."

I glared at him. "Why are you allowed to explain but I'm not? All it's going to do is make you hurt less." I had to stiffen my body and my heart to stop myself from relaxing back into his arms, letting go like before. I just had to get away, if I looked at him again I would just give in and despite our love, I didn't want that, not after all we've been through together. I couldn't taint my memories with this moment but I couldn't let my memories make me brush this moment under the carpet. Who was Jack? Did I even know him? I had kept things back. It seemed he had done the same. I thought that maybe we could go back but we never can. The wound is too deep. His actions are unexplainable and when things cannot be explained things cannot be settled. So this argument would never be settled. I will never be able to forgive him and he will never be able to understand me. "Jack... I think that... I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. I'll try and sort something out about you seeing Charlie. Now please let me go." I felt his fingers grow cold before he released me but his hands were still cupped like he was holding me. I walked away but I felt his eyes on me all the way, burning through my back, desperate, desperate. But love wasn't enough. This time love wasn't enough.

When I asked Ann she said it was perfectly okay for me to go upstairs and see Gray in his room. From the way she smiled I knew she was under the impression that we were engaged. What would happen when the truth came out? She would never smile so warmly again. I didn't deserve warm smiles so I didn't resent the fact but I watched her smile for a second before it disappeared, savouring it, and she went back to whatever drink she was making. I went upstairs and knocked on Gray's door before I entered.

He lay on his bed, faced to the wall so all I could see was the beige back of his outfit. I sat down on the other bed, sinking into the green blanket, wishing I could bury myself beneath it and cry. Instead I held myself back, watching Gray who had made no movement since I entered the room. I took a deep breath.

"I know how mixed up you're feeling right now, Gray, but I just have to say that not one part of this is your fault. All the time you've been brilliant and if I were a better person we would be announcing our engagement right now but I'm not. I throw myself into things and I can't let go. I wish I could but I can't and once I let someone into my heart they won't get out and I refuse to see anything else."

"That's not a bad thing." Gray said, weakly. His voice like sand-paper. "That's a great thing."

"No, no. It's not. You can love someone too much. Refuse to see their faults and hurt everybody around you."

"But you've never done that. You would never hurt anybody, that's your trouble."

I laughed. "How can you say that? You're hurting now, aren't you?"

He sat up, turned around and looked at me. "Why don't you get it, Mary? You can't choose who you love. You can't stop yourself from doing it, it just happens. You always try and hold yourself back from people but eventually you're going to have to open up, you can't keep running away. I thought I could help you but it's always been Jack. Jack's always been the one. I knew that. And I suppose... I suppose I already knew that this would happen... So, go to him, Mary, open up to him or you'll always regret it." I stared at him. It was the first time he had spoken openly, without embarrassment, about something like this. He looked sort of weary as if he were tired of the whole business of life.

"But..." I found myself shaking. "Jack and I can't be together."

"Why not?" One eyebrow was raised at me. I tried to open my mouth and describe what had happened before in the town square but suddenly I couldn't. I knew that the reason I had invented was an excuse. Just an excuse for running away, not opening up fully and letting him in or rather not fully opening up and letting in the hurt. Of course we could repair the breakages, if we really wanted to. If we really loved enough. Gray loved me but I didn't feel anything back. There was no way I could force myself to. But Jack loved me, I loved him. It wasn't just first love that made you feel like you could walk on water, it was love itself and if we really tried we could cross the ocean. I knew we could. I rose from my chair and Gray smiled at my determined face.

"I hope it works out for you and Jack. I know you'll be happy."

"You'll be happy too, Gray. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will find someone else, someone who will give you everything you deserve and more." I retrieved the blue feather from my pocket and handed it across to him. "Make sure you give it to her."

He took it from me and lay back down on the bed. I knew he was still hurting but there was nothing more either of us could say. I ran towards the stairs, now I just had to hope that Jack would be willing to grab the chance again. We could do it, I knew we could. Just as my feet touched the top step I felt movement behind me, I saw a face darkened with shadow and then hands were on my back. Before I could cry out the person pushed and I lost all control as my body tumbled down the stairs like a rag doll. Liquid pain leaked into every part of my body until darkness finally washed over me like a bath of cool water on a hot day.