Chapter 2 - After All These Years

"There's nothing more we can do right now." Kerry tries to explain, but each word seems to be so far away. It is almost impossible for me to understand something right now. Everything just seems so blurry and unreal. They just brought Abby up to surgery. It took them almost an hour to get her stabilized. I still can't believe it.

They didn't allow me to stay with her - Susan had to push me out of the room. It's "too personal for me," they said. And I wonder: How can it be still so personal after all these years?

I look at Kerry, not being able to give her an answer.. "All we can do right now is hope,", she continues. "Abby fractured her skull as well as her leg and two rips. She had severe internal injuries. There is a lot of swelling around her spine. We..." I watch Kerry as she suddenly pauses and can tell that she's holding back tears, "We had to crack her chest and shock her three time to get her back. We also had to trache her because of complications caused by her injured airway. "She pauses again and I feel her hand on my shoulder, shaking, "I'm sorry John. It doesn't look good. She's in a deep coma and even if she makes it out of surgery alive she won't probably wake up."

I turn my head to the wall. I don't want to hear anymore of it. I can't stand it. It took me so long to be finally able to live my life without her. I was finally able to block out most of my thoughts concerning her and the way things went. And then everything is suddenly back. She is back leaving even more questions. Questions which I will probably never get answers for.

I want to scream. I want to make all these feelings go away. I always wished that she would come back one day. And now I hate myself for all those thoughts.

"The results for the girl are back!," I hear someone say. "Everything looks clear."

The girl. I forgot. She must be Abby's daughter. What a strange thought, Abby being a mother. We never talked about this issue. I always thought she was too scared to talk about it to me after everything that happened.

Susan comes up to me, "I'll go and tell her. You better get some rest."

I can only shake my head, "No. I'll go. I have to see her. I have to talk to her!" I get away from Susan as she's trying to stop me.

"John, you shouldn't do this. Not now. I know it is hard, but don't go!"

"I have to. It's my right to understand what was going on all these years. You would do the same if you were in my situation.," I cry, walking faster and faster.

"Be careful!" She says letting me go.

Joanne looks quite peaceful now playing with some stuffed elephant as I enter her room. "Hi." I say, "Can we talk?" She just nods being still busy with that animal. I take a chair and place it beside the bed, "Joanne, they brought in your Mom." I watch her eyes grow big as I mention her mother.

"Where is she? I want to see her!" she cries looking at me waiting for a reaction.

I sigh, "There is something you need to know."

"Where is she? Where is my Mommy?!" she says again, trying to get out of bed.

I hold her and place her again in the sheets, "Sweetie, listen to me. You can't see her now. She's in surgery, the doctors are trying to help her get better"

Her eyes start to fill with tears, "Why do they have to help her get better? Isn't she fine? I want to see my Mommy!!!"

I can't keep watching this. She's breaking my heart. I secretly dry a tear away when she's not looking, "Honey, I know it's hard to understand, but your Mom got hurt in the accident very badly. Everybody is trying to help her now. But sometimes the doctors can't help. Sometimes people have to go, even it hurts others. Even if they have to leave their children, their friends, their loves ones..." I find myself crying even harder with every sentence.

"You're a liar!", Joanne suddenly screams at me, "Go away, I hate you! You're a liar!!" She starts beating me, "Go away! Mommy is fine! You're lying!" I have no power to get away from her. She's beating me harder and harder and I can't do anything about it. I just sit there waiting.

I don't know when she finally stopped. A glance to my watch tells me that I must have been in her room at least for an hour until Susan came and got me out. She said I should go home, but I can't right now. I have to speak to Joanne again, no matter if she want me to or not. And I also have to wait for Abby to get out of surgery. I just can't leave now, the lack of knowledge would kill me.

Susan suggested getting coffee and waiting in the lounge. To talk, to be quiet, to think, to rest. Whatever I feel like. But I don't know what to feel like. I feel like not really being there. It all just seems like a big bad dream.

Suddenly I feel someone touching my shoulder, "John, wake up!" It's Susan.

I open my eyes and notice that I've must have fallen asleep on the couch, "What happened?"

"You fell asleep on the couch two hours ago. Abby is out of surgery now and I thought I better let you know."

I get up and stare at Susan not knowing what to say, "She made it? How is she?"

"She made it. They were able to repair most injuries. She's now in the ICU," Susan answers, looking more than exhausted, "It's not over yet, John. She's still in a deep coma and this might not change. Her head is pretty swollen and they don't know how much damage is done."

"I need to see her!" I cry and swallow, "I really need to see her."