A/N: Hi, all! I'm baaaack! I know that you loved the last chapter, so whatever. Now, we'll see more weirdness from Denethor, and some other weird stuff not seen in the books! Or movies! Well, you missed out on the Singles Club, you must be happy. The openings are over, and no more people can come. And this chapter might be really insane and confusing, but relax and enjoy! I hope it's so insane it's cool!
Chapter Thirteen: Denethor goes to the Hair Dye Salon and Elrond Burns a Rap CD
"Hey! BOROMIR! I'm going out! Come here for a minute! I need to tell you what not to do in the apartment." Denethor yells. He is holding scissors behind his back.
"What?" Boromir asks.
"Don't cook anything, don't open the door to strangers, and don't talk to telemarketers on the phone. Remember what happened last time?" Denethor asks. As he walks out the door, he snips off a bit of Boromir's hair to take to the salon...
At the Salon...
"Now, I want to dye my hair this color." Denethor says to the hair dye specialist, showing him the piece of Boromir's hair.
"'K. No problemo." The specialist says, going to get some dye that matches.
Denethor sits down in the chair and waits a bit, flipping through the Hair Style Today! Magazine. He stops at a picture of a crew cut and looks at it like it's the best thing since sliced bologna.
"Whoa..." He says, then shakes his head.
"Ok. Ready?" The specialist asks.
He globs some dye on Denethor's hair and lets it sink in or something. How does the process work? I don't care because I don't know.
"Ok, now just let it rest for a bit and then you'll have great hair color!" The guy says.
Denethor goes and sits down, reading a book called, "Dating: What to Do and Say" by Linda Q. Harley.
Time ticks bye, until it's time for him to see the new Denethor with New Action-Packed Hair Color!
Denethor gets up and goes to sit in the stylist chair.
"Ready to see the new you?" The specialist asks.
"Whatever, just do it already!" Denethor growls.
Off comes the protective plastic thing, and the towels, and the whatevers, and soon....
"I look FREAKIN' GOOD!!!" Denethor screams.
"Sure." The specialist says.
"SHE'S GONNA FLIP!! I'M REALLY SEXY NOW!!!" Denethor screams, getting up and running out and skipping around and looking happy.
Meanwhile, back at the Retirement Place...
"Sam! You can't just invite 20 billion people to a party and order 9 pizzas!" Frodo screams.
"It wasn't 20 billion! It was more like the entire retirement facility, minus Eowyn, and the girls we're supposed to be dating!" Sam protests.
"Well, yeah, except none are dating us!" Frodo screams.
"SHUT UP!!!!" Sam screams.
Gollum is standing on a corner outside holding up a sign that says, "Homeless. Will work for raw fish.", like those homeless people in the streets. A car swerves off track and hits him, as an ambulance comes and takes him to the hospital.
"Where's Gollum?" Frodo asks.
"Don't know, don't care."
"Fine, be that way."
Meanwhile, in his car...
Denethor is cruising around in his Suburban and listening to 94.7: the Zone and singing along.
"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screams, along with the singer of the band, whatever band that may be.
The car is black and shiny, and soon he pulls towards the retirement home. But, just when he was going to pull in, a little old lady started to walk across the street and Denethor swerved to avoid hitting her—and hits Gollum instead. He immediately pulled into the underground parking facility and grabbed a hose to wash the front of the car, which had blood in the grill. He took off the license plates and hid them, then ran into his room and barred the door so the police wouldn't find him. But this is Middle Earth and there are no police so ha!
In Elrond's Room...
"Aha! Now, the time is at hand! The dominion of rap in Music Stores is over! Watch now, as I, Elrond, Lord of Rivendell and the Immortal Halfelven, destroyes this rap CD!" Elrond says.
We see a metal garbage can, the sides slicked with oil. Elrond lights a match and tosses it in the can, as the can soon contains flames and is burning, just like the good ol' pyre of Denethor, minus Faramir nearly burning.
"The time has come!!!" Elrond screams, and with that, he tosses the rap CD into the can and it melts. Elrond does an evil laugh and walks out.
In Pippin's Room...
"HA! I did it!" Pippin screams, jumping up from his computer.
"What?" Merry asks, looking on from the couch, where he is watching a movie about cars.
"I just won a FREE Sony Digital Camera!" Pip says.
"How?"
"Well, on this website, you can try to hit the target, which was Aragorn's head, and then if you do, you win! Then you fill out a form and they send it to you!" Pip explains.
"That's not a good idea...."
"Relax! I filled out address as Grima's address. No one will know it's for me, and then I'll pick it up and run away, leaving Grima with the bill!"
"But it was free, Pip!"
"No, you had to pay 19.95 shipping and handling."
"Grima's gonna be so mad at you!"
"Relax, Merry!"
In Faramir's Room...
"I love Finding Nemo!" Faramir says.
"I love you, Dad." Nemo says on the TV.
"This part always made me cry!" Faramir says, his voice cracking.
"It's ok, Faramir, I'm here and everything is going to be ok." Mary says.
"I miss my mom! Nemo lost him mom like me!!" Faramir sobs, crying a river with no one but me to comfort him. And boy do I know how to do that!
"It's ok, Faramir, I love you and everything is ok."
Faramir continues to sob and Mary continues to comfort him until the movie is over (Ok, at this part I was crying at how unlike Faramir crying might be).
Meanwhile, elsewhere, as in Denethor's Room...
"You're home early!" Orliey says, looking at Denethor shaking behind the bolted door. Oh, the barred door. Whatever. The door is locked and you can't come in, so phbbt!
"Why are you in my room with the lights off?" Denethor asks. Ok, that was just..../shudders at the wrongness/.
"I'm here because I know about the accident on the corner." Orliey says.
"You...you do?" Denethor asks.
"Yeah. And I also know that you died your hair and that it now looks even sexier." Orliey says.
"Then you must also know that I must leave." Denethor says.
"What? No!" Orliey says.
"Yes. It is no longer safe here. I might be hunted down and thrown into a vat of boiling oil, then tarred and feathered!" Denethor says.
"NO! If you die, I die as well!" Orliey says.
"I don't want you hurt..."
(And at this part, I was thinking how like a movie this bit was and then I snorted my iced tea out of my nose and at my computer and it went 'fzzzzz!' and then I nearly got electrocuted from touching the keyboard but I'm ok! And on we go...)
"I love you and will stand by you to whatever end!" Orliey says.
"Ok, then, will you marry me?"
(And then I just started to shake with laughter and then my computer got another shower of iced tea and again went 'fzzzzzz!' and tried to shock me.)
"I'm speechless! I...of course!!!" Orliey says. (If Orliey has any problems with this, tell me and a plot in the story will undo the engagement.)
"I'm so happy!!!"
"Me, too!"
And they hugged and everyone went 'aawww!' except for a few who went 'yuck!'
Meanwhile, in Pippin's Liquor Walk-in Closet...
"I need some beer...and money..." Pippin thinks, and suddenly he is grabbed by a mysterious person and pulled into the darkest part of the closet...the back!
"Aha! Now my evil plan for kidnapping Pippin is complete!" says a voice...this is PopcornLeader.
"PopcornLeader! I would have run away with you any old day!" Pip says.
"I love you!"
"!!!"
"Ok, where to, master Peregrin?"
"Uh...Cuba?"
"Why Cuba? Let's go to Hawaii!"
"How bout we go to the party together?"
"Ok, Pip! That's wonderful!"
And so everyone had a date for the party, and the singles club was fulfilling its role...
A/N: Ok, these people are the dates:
Faramir and Mary
Boromir and Breck
Pip and PopcornLeader
Merry and Annabel
Denethor and Orliey
Aragorn and Arwen
Haldir and Galadriel
Sam and Tulip
If there is a person NOT on the list you'd like to date...please review with whom that may be! Boys can review, also, as Eowyn is open!
That party is near approaching and people are lonely! Date and whatnot! Sorry, no more singles club applicants, you missed out. Whatever. Just have fun and review! Time for another party!!!